Mixed Feelings of Elation

Neon had been lying on her couch for hours. The television was on, playing some movie that she wasn't paying attention too. She was lost in thoughts. Not of her impending interview but of Alex. His features that she recently started finding attractive, the anorexia that he caused years ago, all the clothes she stopped wearing because of him, the attitude she gained because of him; everything.

He was the one who said she looked cute with pink hair after she dyed it.

Of course, the compliment was followed with a rude remark. But it was a compliment, nonetheless. It meant a lot to Neon. She overlooked the backhanded remark that followed.

Maybe she did like him and never realized it. Maybe that's why the comments he made hit her hard. Maybe that's why her stomach did flips when he touched her and her heart beat increased. Maybe that's why his kisses were the best she had ever had. Maybe that's why she willingly had sex with him.

She needed time to think over her feelings. She couldn't just decide she liked someone, that she wanted to be with someone, that quickly. This was something she could have been thinking about for years but she didn't. It wasn't even a plausible possibility years ago.

Neon stared at the ceiling, making shapes out of the dots. A few days ago, Alex was on top of her on this couch. Tears perked in Neon's eyes. She couldn't believe she had been so mean to him. He had stayed cuddled against her back through the night. He wanted to stay in bed with her. And she was too worried about her stupid reputation among her band mates to let him stay.

She ended up telling them anyway.

The cell phone on the coffee table vibrated. Neon groaned. This was the tenth time in the past twenty minutes that some called her. She didn't know who it was; she hadn't picked up the phone to check. It wasn't a member of RxN. If it had been, they would have already been at her house to check if she was okay.

Her phone stopped vibrating, sending the person on the other end to her voicemail. Whoever was calling her hadn't left a voicemail yet. But they had called almost nonstop. Maybe they were assuming she would check her phone to see who was calling.

Her phone vibrated again, only twice. Neon turned her head to look at her phone. The light on the top of the small object was flashing. Someone either sent her a text or left a voicemail.

Neon reached her arm out, grabbed her phone and brought it to her face. "1 new voicemail; 20 missed calls" the screen read.

She missed that many calls in the past few hours?

Neon opened her call log to check who called her. The only name that appeared for the missed calls was Alex Gaskarth.

Neon cringed. Alex was hell-bent on talking with her. Not leaving a message. She could understand. She didn't exactly return his call when he asked. He was probably hoping to catch her off-guard.

Neon pressed the voicemail button and put the phone on speaker. The automated voice gave its introduction, telling her she had one unheard message.

"Hey," the message started, Alex's voice coming from the phone speakers, "I guess there's no point in saying who this is. You should know by now. I'm sorry if I'm coming off as a freak by calling you so much but I'm worried. Just give me some sign that you're not hurt. Please. You don't even have to call me. You can send a blank text message. Anything to know you're okay."

The message ended there. Neon hung up her voicemail and sighed. She had to call him back. She wasn't ready to talk yet but they needed to.

Neon opened her call log again, highlighting Alex's name. Now or never. She took a breath, clicking the call button and bringing the phone to her ear before she could think. At the first ring, the nerves awoke in her stomach. With the second ring, her palms began to sweat. The third ring cut off in the middle.

"Hello?" Alex's voice pumped into her ear.

Tentative, Neon replied, "Hey, Alex."

"Neon, is that you?"

"Yeah," she breathed.

Alex sighed on the other end, "Thank God you're okay. You had me so worried."

"I'm sorry. I should have called you back sooner."

"It's okay, you've been busy."

"I've been staring at the ceiling for the past few hours," she corrected.

Alex chuckled. Neon's stomach flipped, something Neon noticed immediately. Maybe she did like him.

"Sounds like you," Alex said.

"Yeah, I guess I do that a lot."

"You are okay, right?"

"As okay as I can be."

"What's wrong?"

"My body feels terrible. Worse then it ever has. I don't know what's wrong."

Neon left out the part about crying over him and missing him. She didn’t want to say it over the phone. Things like that had to be said in person.

"Maybe you should eat," Alex suggested.

"I ate yesterday, Alex."

"But not today and its well after twelve."

"I'll be fine."

"No, you won't. Eat. Please."

"Would it make you feel better if I got up right now and made some food?"

"You have to eat the food too."

"Fine," Neon grumbled.

She pushed herself off the couch and walked to her kitchen. She opened her freezer to pull out a TV dinner.

"Is that the sound of me winning an argument?" Alex asked.

"If that's what you call the sound of my freezer opening, yes," Neon replied, pulling out a random box.

It didn't matter which one she ate as long as she ate it.

"Why are you opening your freezer?"

"To get a frozen dinner."

"But your microwave is broken."

"I bought a new one."

Neon opened her TV dinner, pulling up a corner of the plastic and sticking it in the microwave for the appointed amount of time.

"Man, I missed a milestone in your life over the past few days," Alex joked, "Anything else I missed?"

"I shopped at Wal-Mart for the first time in a long time. Arpeggio met Jack's parents. And RxN knows we slept together now."

She had to tell him at some point. The silence that followed the news made her worry.

"I thought you didn’t want them to know," Alex said.

"They didn't understand why I was so hurt by us fighting. I had to tell them."

"Why did you kick me out?" Alex asked.

He sounded so sad.

"Can we talk about this later? In person. I don't want to talk about this over the phone," Neon asked.

"Yeah, I'd like to do that. Do you want to meet up tonight?"

"Not tonight. I'm exhausted. After I eat, I'm going to sleep."

He didn't question the reason she was going to sleep before eight. She was thankful for that. He probably understood that not eating brought on exhaustion.

"Tomorrow?"

"I have an interview tomorrow."

"Oh right. Jack's going. He invited me," Alex trailed off.

"I don't mind if you show up. The more support, the better."

"You'll be talking about high school. I don't think I want to be there for that. They'll zoom in on me in the crowd and label me 'douche.'"

"Don't worry, I'm not dropping your name."

"You can if you want. I deserve it."

"I'm not that mean."

"I guess I'll show up then. Can we meet the day after your interview?"

"Yeah. I'm not busy that day."

"How about at the coffee shop near your house around noon?"

"Sounds good."

"Alright."

The microwave beeped.

"Your foods ready. I'll let you go so you can eat," Alex said.

"Bye, Alex," Neon said.

"Bye, Neon."

The line went dead. Neon pulled the phone from her ear. She could throw the food she was making away and ignore Alex's request. It was something she would have done to anyone else.

But it was Alex who was asking her to eat and she would.