Mixed Feelings of Elation

Neon froze, her thoughts racing through her mind. She thought she was ready for this. She thought she could handle it. But she was wrong. Her thoughts swarmed, blocking her speech path; he head began to ache. She tried to keep the smile on her face.

"So are the rumors true?" the interviewer asked, "Have you really lost weight? Or have you always been thin and people are just now realizing it?'

"I have lost weight. I wish I could say I haven't and be telling the truth but I have," Neon answered.

She didn't want to be able to say she hadn't lost weight. Losing weight was what she had to do to be happy. Well, not directly making herself happy. In repulsing the male race, she made the rest of the world happier. Knowing the world was better off if she wasn't taking males away from the able women made her feel better.

"Have you been sick?" the interviewer asked.

"No. I have been intentionally dropping weight."

She was trying to pick her words carefully. She didn't want anything to be taken the wrong way.

"Why? You've always been thin. There's never been a reason for you to lose weight. I know you're probably aware that the tabloids are calling you a hypocrite. You've always promoted self-acceptance and here you are dropping weight," Robert said.

"I am aware that I'm being called a hypocrite but no one has taken the time to talk to me about this. No one is trying to understand what's happening. This isn't the first time this has happened. I don't know if this will be the last."

"What is happening?"

Neon sighed. Her smile had dropped awhile ago. She couldn't keep the fake perfect smile up under these conditions. The pounding in her head was just getting worse and there was a pounding in her ribcage where her heart sat.

"I can't do this," Neon said.

"Why not?"

"I don't know what to say. I'm afraid of how the fans will react. I never care what people think but, this time, I do."

"Explaining to the fans what all is happening is better than them thinking you're a hypocrite."

Neon nodded. For an interviewer, he was being nice. Most would have attacked her for saying she couldn't talk about something. He was giving her a pep talk on live television.

"You said this isn't the first time this has happened. What has been going on?" he asked.

She could do this. Her band mates were in the crowd. Alex was in the crowd. They were there for her, for support.

Neon glanced out at the crowd. Her band mates were on the edge of their seats, each with a different emotion on their face. All probably feeling nervous for her. Jack was clutching Arpeggio's hands in his, comforting the drummer, wide eyes waiting for Neon's response. And then there was Alex, biting his lip and wringing his hands together. He noticed her looking at him and mouthed "you can do it."

If he thought she could do it, then she could do it.

Neon looked back at the interviewer, mildly prepared to answer his question.

"When I was a freshman in high school, I stopped eating. I got really thin and ended up passing out in the bathroom while I was forcing myself to throw up. My little sister found me. My parents sent me to a psychiatrist first, who I refused to talk to. Since I wouldn't eat, I had to be hospitalized and was eventually admitted to a psychiatric ward by my second semester of freshman year. I went through a lot of treatments, was diagnosed as suffering from anorexia nervosa. A week before sophomore year, I was released from the hospital. Everyone thought I was cured, that I would never turn to starvation again. I relapsed a few times during sophomore year. Nothing major, maybe a day or two without eating. My parents passed away in the middle of my sophomore year; I didn't have time to think about food anymore. I was busy taking care of my sister and making sure we had money to pay bills. I started dieting again at the beginning of this month," Neon said.

"Why didn't you tell anyone you weren't okay after the stay in the psychiatric ward?"

"I was okay for about a week."

"But you weren't cured of your problem. Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"Anorexia can't be cured. My psychiatrist made it quite clear that I may never fully get over it. Treatments for anorexia are made to help the sufferer learn to deal with their problems in a way that's more positive than starvation. It’s the same with drug addiction and self-injury. You never completely get over it but your cravings start to become fewer and farther between. And you learn to deal with the cravings so you don't relapse."

"You relapsed."

"The road to recovery is full of relapses."

"Why did you start the weight loss cycle?"

"I don't know. I can't give you a specific reason for it. It wasn't that I hated myself. I had nothing against the way I looked. I was never that self-conscious. A comment was made on my first day of school and it set me off. I couldn't tell you why it did. I never gave a shit about what people said about me."

"How do you not know?"

"Anorexia is a lot more complex than the average person thinks. It's never about the food or the weight loss. There's always something bigger behind it. A lot of the time, the sufferer doesn't know what the reason is."

"Do you condone this lifestyle?"

"No. Never. I'm killing myself by doing this. I know that, one day, I'll have a heart attack or my organs will just stop working because my body is so weak. I'm only twenty-one years old and I'm going to die before my twenty-second birthday if I don't stop. Even if I do stop, I'll have to face a load of medical problems. I would never wish anyone to live like this."

"Isn't the fact that you're dying enough incentive to start eating?"

"No."

"It doesn't worry you?"

"Honestly, I'm terrified."

She was being honest, letting her vulnerability expose itself to her fans. In any other interview, she would be joking around and laughing. She couldn't do it here.

"But you keep starving yourself."

"I can't stop. No matter how great the threat on my life is, I can't stop."

"How can your fans take you seriously then?"

"Look," Neon faced the crowd, "I can't tell you what you can and can't do. But I do believe you should love yourself. I don't want to see you ending up like me; I don't want you to hurt. Starving myself is the stupidest thing I've ever done and I don't want you all to make the same mistake. You're all better than this. You have a life to live and, no matter how bad things get in your life, you should always love yourself. Love the things that everyone loves about you and love the things people hate about you because they make you who you are. Don't look at me as role model because I am flawed. I need time to get over this problem. I need you to understand that I am hurting and this is how I cope. Hopefully, I'll get better. If I don't, I'll end up dying and it's no one's fault but my own."

She could see that some people were crying. If she had something that hit them hard, she didn't know. Arpeggio was sobbing into Jack's chest, who had tears falling down his face; Alex was crying; she could see tears falling from her band mates eyes. The reality check must have hit them harder than it hurt her. She had come to accept it.

"Do you have advice for fans who are suffering from anorexia or any other eating disorder? And any advice for parents of children suffering?"

"Tell someone. I know the number one rule is not to tell but you can't get better without support. It's hard to try to get better on your own. You can tell anyone; your parents, your friends, a trusted adult. Just tell someone. And when they try to help you, don't fight them. They're trying to help because they care; they're not trying to ruin your life, they're trying to save it. You're not alone. For all the parents out there: you can't fix the problem by forcing your child to eat. That only makes it worse. Try to find the source of the problem and fix that first."

"My daughter looks up to you," the interviewer stated, "She's fifteen now and, about a year ago, she started refusing to eat. During that time, she looked to you for strength to keep getting through the day and ignore all the things people said about her. I want to thank you because you helped her get better. And I know this interview has been hard but you just shed light on an eating disorder that no one wants to talk about."

So that's why he had been so nice to her. His daughter, a fan of hers, had been suffering. She must have been keeping things from him and this was his way to get her to see that everyone suffers.

"Do you have any last words?" he asked.

Neon searched her mind for the right words to say. She stared into the faces of the RxN fans, all eager to hear what she had to say, all looking at her in a different light. She had become a beckon of hope without trying. She was still a role model just more realistic.

"You are amazing, beautiful, and unique. Remember that. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise," Neon said.