Mixed Feelings of Elation

Arpeggio hopped down the stairs moments after Neon flipped the last pancake. Hearing her younger sibling's happy steps, Neon turned from the stove to look at her. Of course, she was wearing a corset top and a skirt. It's what she wore for any important occasion. Neon's own attire was not half as dressy at the moment. She was still wearing her boy shorts and tank top that she slept in.

She would change before the party.

"How do I look?" Arpeggio asked.

"You better be taking your birth control because Jack is going to be all over you," Neon replied.

"Well, if you walk around in that," Arpeggio motioned to Neon's attire, "Alex will try to reproduce with you."

Neon gave a dry laugh, "Yeah right. Alex and I are barely friends. There's no way that will happen."

"Oh please. I see the looks he gives you. And I see the looks you give him."

Neon rolled her eyes, lifting the last of the pancakes from the pan and placing it on the plate containing a small stack.

"What looks? The one's that say 'I want to murder you in your sleep?'"

"That wasn't the bedroom activity I was thinking of. Unless, of course, you call it murder," Arpeggio replied.

"You need to stop talking to Dorian," Neon placed the plate in front of Arpeggio.

"I can't help it. He's always harassing me."

"Whatever you say. I'm going to shower and change. Then we can set up."

"You're not going to eat?" Arpeggio asked.

Neon could see the worry coating her younger sibling's features. Arpeggio shouldn't have to worry about her. It was Neon's job to look after her; not the other way around.

"I ate an apple already," Neon replied, making her way towards the stairs.

"That's negative calories. I'm not stupid."

"You shouldn't know that."

Neon walked up through the hallway, leaving her sister to eat alone. Jack would probably show up any minute to help with the party setup, dragging a reluctant Alex along. Jack volunteered him against his will.

Her sister was right though. Apples were a safe food. It took more energy to digest them than they contained, hence the term "negative calories." She should have eaten another fruit but she couldn't help going to the apple first. It was either that or the grapefruit, another negative calorie snack. And there was no grapefruit in the house.

Today was a bad day. It was one of those days that she didn't want to eat. Normally, she could get away with eating negative calorie foods all day without people thinking she was relapsing. But Lestat and Dante had looked up a few things on anorexia nervosa. Now, everyone checked what she ate. They knew her day-to-day calorie intake better than she did.

She just ate the foods that would get them off her back and pretended it didn't hurt her on the inside.

Neon didn't want her friends to know she still suffered from the mental exhaustion her bout with anorexia left her in. She didn't want them to know she still wanted to starve herself and loose weight. They didn't know she still had a scale tucked away in the confines of her closet. She would take it out every night and hold back tears when she read the numbers.

They would never know that.

Neon walked into her bedroom. Everything was the same as it had been during her freshman year. The black wall with neon paint splatters, the full length mirror, the bright pink sheet on her bed with matching comforter; everything. Except the clothes in her closet. It hurt her to say she weighed more than she did during high school. She didn't want to get bigger; she wanted to get smaller.

Neon pulled a pair of black skinny jeans and a bright blue tank top from her closet. From her dresser, she grabbed a neon green bra and matching thong.

Wearing skinny jeans with underwear other than thongs and avoiding panty lines was almost impossible.

Neon could hear the front door open and slam shut. Loud footsteps and her sister's shrill scream met her ears. She should have been worried but she knew who walked in the house. It was Jack; she could recognize his heavy footsteps a mile away. Not to mention her sister's scream was one of delight, not fear.

"Hi, cutie," Jack yelled.

That boy needed a volume control button.

Neon ignored them, stepping into her bathroom. She made sure the door was locked behind her before stripping her clothing off. Jack didn't need to walk in on her naked. Neither did Alex, if he was even there.

She stepped into the shower and turned the hot water knob, avoiding any eye contact with the mirror above her sink. Her reflection would cause her to burst into tears, she was sure. Ever since high school, mirrors had been one of her worst enemies.

Next to Alex, of course.

How she saw herself in the mirror depended on how she was feeling that day. Some days, fat was hanging from the band of her skinny jeans. Sometimes she had a muffin top.

But she could never see the visible ribcage and protruding hipbones she felt on a regular basis.

She didn’t know when the body dysmorphia kicked in. She just knew that, one morning, she woke up and all she saw was fat in the mirror. Globs of it. She never could feel it when she ran a hand over her stomach.

Nowadays, she didn’t know if she was supposed to trust the mirror or her sense of touch.

Neon let the warm water cascade over her body. She lathered her body with lavender scented soap and let the water remove it from her body. The soapy liquid ended its journey in the drain. The dye-protecting shampoo experienced the same treatment, but was rubbed into her scalp and hair instead of on her body. Neon stood under the water just letting it wash over her.

She felt her purest in the shower for some reason.

There was a bang on her bathroom door.

"Neon, open the door," Jack called, his voices wrapping around cracks to fill the bathroom.

"Fuck off, Jack. I'm in the shower," Neon replied.

She would get out soon. There was a party to decorate for.

It was quiet on the other side of the door. Any hushed murmurs were killed by the noise coming from the shower head.

"Hey," Arpeggio called, "if you open the door, we'll send Alex in there and you guys can start making babies."

Neon groaned. Arpeggio needed to get off her baby obsession.

"Go do something productive," Neon replied, hitting the back of her head against the shower wall.

There was no response. Neon let out a sigh. Hopefully, they had left her to shower in peace.