Mixed Feelings of Elation

The party was finally over. It had been fun, filled with laughter and various water games. Neon received praise for the cakes she created. She ate a slice of both, knowing well that she would be harassed by her band members if she didn't. Her shorts and shirt stayed on for the whole party, she just wasn't quite comfortable enough in her skin to take them off.

Neon leaned against the door with a sigh. The last guest had left. She glanced at the clock, noting that it was after eight. For her, it was time for bed. Fatigue was a problem that came with mild starvation.

The lead singer trudged from the front door to the living room, ending her short journey on the couch.

"Where are the rest of the boxes?" Arpeggio's voice floated into the room.

Ever since Arpeggio started dating Jack, her vocal cords were becoming stronger. Talking to Jack and everyone around her was putting them through exercise they should have gotten when she first tried to kill herself. Another positive of dating one of Neon's high school enemies.

"In the hall closet," Neon responded.

Arpeggio was packing to move out. Neon would be alone in the house, something that was not good for multiple reasons.

"Okay," Arpeggio responded.

Neon rested her head on the back of the couch, closing her eyes. Was she ready to let Arpeggio take such a huge step in her life? There were so many things that were likely to happen at Jack's house, so many checkpoints that Neon would miss in Arpeggio's life. Arpeggio was still a virgin; she hadn’t slept over at someone's house since she was seven; she hadn't been away from Neon for long periods of time since Neon gained custody of her.

But Arpeggio was in good hands. Jack made sure he took care of everything when he was around Arpeggio and when he was away. Sometimes he would call Neon to make sure Arpeggio checked her blood sugar and ate. He even made sure the house was everything Arpeggio dreamed off and made sure he stocked the house with diabetes-friendly foods of all kinds.

Jack was great. Neon couldn't hope for a better man for her little sister.

The couch cushion next to Neon sunk under another person's weight. Neon opened her eyes, glancing to her side where Alex now sat.

He was there to help pack. Jack was there too for the same purpose.

"Are you okay with all this?" Alex asked.

"I'll get used to the idea," Neon responded.

"Why are you letting her go then?"

"Every parent has to let go at some point."

Alex smiled, "You're going to make a good mom one day."

Neon didn't say anything; she looked down at her hands. People were constantly telling her she should have children, that she would be a good mom.

"What's wrong?" Alex asked.

"It's nothing."

It couldn't have been nothing. Alex noticed the change in Neon's tone just as he had noticed it outside when Lestat's sister asked when Neon was due.

"Tell me," Alex demanded.

"Why do always catch my discomfort, Alex?" Neon asked.

"I can read you. I spent years making fun of you. You know, you have to be able to read you archenemy in order to beat them. I'm sure you know a lot of my quirks."

She did. Neon learned everything she could about Alex in high school just to fuel her arguments, like the fact that he checked his appearance between every class. Sometimes during class with the mirror he connected to his binder.

"I guess," Neon replied, smiling.

"Exactly. Now tell me what's wrong."

Neon took a breath. Should she tell him? Could she tell him? She and Alex had become considerably close in the months following the benefit concert. But were they close enough to talk about this?

"Please," Alex begged.

No one else knew. She hadn't told her band mates or her parents before they passed away.

"I can't have children," Neon whispered.

She looked into Alex's confusion-stricken face.

"What do you mean? Is it because of your career? You handled taking care of a teenager while you were in the band; you sure as hell can handle a baby," Alex said.

"No, Alex, you don't get it. I'm physically unable to have kids."

"Why?"

"When I first stopped eating, I hadn't even had my first menstrual cycle yet. Apparently, I was so thin to begin with that it wouldn't have shown up for another year. I didn't worry about it then; I figured I would get my first period when I started eating again. I went to the psychiatric ward, started eating. The period never came. Turns out not eating screwed up my body to the point where I can't have kids."

"Well, if you start eating right again—"

"That's not how this works, Alex. I'm never going to be able to have kids. And it's kind of sad to think I dreamed of having this huge family when I was little but I've never been able to have kids. Ever."

"So there's no way to fix it?"

Neon shook her head.

"Does Arpeggio know?"

"No. Please don't tell her. I don't want her dreams to be crushed like mine were when the doctor told me," Neon pleaded.

There were tears that wanted to spill from Neon's eyes. Thinking about the day she went to the psychiatric ward doctor for a routine check up and ended up receiving the worst news of her life was difficult.

"Don't cry," Alex cooed, wrapping an arm around Neon.

The tears in her eyes did the opposite of what Alex asked of them. They dripped down her face and landed on Alex's shirt.

"It's so hard. I wanted to have kids. And everyone keeps mentioning me having children every chance they get. Arpeggio wants a niece and nephew. My parents always wanted grandchildren. It was their dying wish for me have kids. Claudia wants me to have a baby so she can play with it. You know, she's the youngest in the RxN family. Jazz has always been too immature to have kids and Dorian could never handle one so they put that dream into me. Annabelle can't have kids with her modeling career taking off so Lestat hints at babysitting my future baby. Dante is constantly telling me I'll be a good mom. And Grim has told me that having a baby wouldn't put a damper on RxN's plans."

"Maybe you should tell them."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't handle it. I don't want to say it because it makes it so real."

"But it would make them stop."

Neon rubbed her face into Alex's shirt, letting her tears have easier access to it. Alex rubbed his hand over her back. He could feel each bone in her vertebra.

"You need to eat," Alex stated.

"There's no point in eating if I can't have children," Neon returned.

It was how Neon felt. At this point the constant dieting wasn't to impress anyone or stop any harassment. It was because she couldn't have children. Why have a healthy body if the only thing she wanted to do with it was have kids?

"Don't say that. You need to be healthy so you can keep living."

Neon bit her lip. Alex grabbed her chin, forcing her to look at him.

"You do want to live, right?" Alex asked.

Alex's caterpillar eyebrows drew close together. Worry creases appeared on his forehead.

"Yes, Alex," Neon said, looking him in the eyes.

"Good. Now stop crying. Everything will be okay," Alex wiped the tears from Neon's face.

Neon stared into Alex's eyes. She never noticed how brown they were before. She didn't know they were brown in the first place. It wasn't something she ever took note of before. His thumbs left sensations on her cheeks as they removed the tears.

Alex's eyes darted from Neon's eyes to her lips. He was so close. Maybe five inches away. If he just moved in, his lips could touch hers.

Alex slowly closed the distance between them, hoping to get the confirmation he wanted. Neon saw his movements and aided in closing the distance. Their lips were centimeters from touching. They paused, staring in each others eyes. Their breaths mixed, becoming one. Alex tilted his head to avoid bumping noses and went to completely close the distance.

"Hey, do either of you know where the tape is?" Arpeggio asked.

Alex jumped at the sudden noise, body flying off the couch and falling to the floor. Neon's eyes were wide.

Leave it to Arpeggio to ruin the moment she had been waiting for since she started dating Jack.