Temporary

- -University of North Dakota, January 2007.

Her stomach churned.

She couldn't believe it, even as she watched with her own eyes. Deep down she knew, she always knew that this day would come, the day when she just wasn't enough anymore. She attempted to clear her throat and failed; the noise barely registered with her own ears.

He was completely oblivious to his audience. They both were.

His fingers began threading through her hair. Her stomach churned again. She wanted desperately to move, to yell at him, to plead and bitch and moan but her body failed her. Even as an arm snaked around her midsection and a hand offered her a red plastic cup she failed to move, to make a noise.

“Emma?”

Finally, her spell was broken. She blinked slowly and gave a hard stare to the show before her; it was still happening. Her conscious yelled and pleaded with her not to do anything stupid, anything rash. Emma didn't listen. Instead she squirmed around in the grasp of TJ Oshie and kissed him hard on the mouth.

The plastic cup fell from his hand, his mouth opened in surprise but he didn't reject the kiss. Her arms wound around his neck, his around her back. It was wrong, oh so wrong, she was his best friend's girl, but he'd be lying if he said he didn't think about it, didn't want it.

It was all about revenge for her and that's why he broke it off, panting ever so slightly as he pushed her away. He wanted it but not under those circumstances. Emma stared at him, confused and a little hurt. TJ had the kind of rep that he would sleep/hook up with any girl that was willing and he was rejecting her?

Her mouth opened and closed, words escaping her. TJ nodded to the direction behind her before walking away, shaking his head as he did so. Emma didn't want to look, she had a sinking suspicion that he noticed their show.

And when she finally looked she realized she was right.

He was staring at her, his eyes full of hurt, embarrassment and even a little regret. The skank that was previously occupying his lap had scampered off. Jonathan Toews knew he made a mistake, he knew it the second it started but he couldn't stop. It was so different.

As he tried to stand up he stumbled and nearly fell. Emma ached to go to him, to help him and put him to bed but she couldn't. She resented him far too much and really, she resented herself as well. Mistakes happen, especially when you're as drunk as Jon appeared to be.

She hated herself as he made his way towards her, his shirt half unbuttoned and hair a wicked mess. But for every inch of hate for herself she found another twenty inches of hate for Jon. He was supposed to be the one. They had everything figured out after years of being together, right down to their future kids names.

Seeing him the way he was, drunk out of his mind and another girl's perfume ingrained on his body? It changed things, it changed them a lot and Emma realized just how naïve she had been.

Finally, Jon reached her. His normally bright brown eyes were slightly glazed over and his pupils were huge. The smell of alcohol wafted toward her nose and she fought the urge to gag. Was this how Jon always was around the boys? Did he always get this drunk and cheat on her with random girls just looking to be seen with him? Did she even know her boyfriend at all?

Emma regretted showing up to the stupid party. She regretted having the intentions of telling Jon that yes, she would like to marry him. The aching pain in her stomach returned as she watched Jon's wandering eyes. Her fingers itched and tingled and she knew what she had to do. Without giving it a second thought she pulled back and slapped him hard across the face.

The chorus of 'ooooh' barely registered with her, she was seething and too far gone. She picked up her pride off the floor, dusted it off and glared at Jon. “We're done,” she spat through clenched teeth before turning on her heel and walking away.

His drunken pleas were lost on her, barely even reaching her ears as she walked away with her head held high. TJ smiled at her on her way out and she nodded her acknowledgment. The door slammed shut behind her but she couldn't bring herself to care.

Emma was far too focused on distancing herself, on putting miles between her and Jon. She gave up so much for him, thinking that he was it for her. She never realized her first love wouldn't be her last, she never entertained those kinds of thoughts or had any doubt when it came to her boyfriend.

Seeing Jon the way she did, it brought elements of their relationship into light.

After being together for years -before they even attended Shattuck- things just became assumed. They stopped talking as much, stopped sharing things and when Emma thought about it, she realized they became quite distant with one another.

It's in the air now,
Bitter tears and broken hearts
We're teenagers,
We count the years we think were smart,
But we're not,
We don't know anything

As she walked along the beaten path to a spot she found in the woods during freshman year, Emma realized things. She realized that she made too many sacrifices for Jon. She wasn't living for herself, she was living for him, doing things for him. That's not love, that's slavery.

Was it ever love? She was sure it was, when it first started out, but she couldn't recall the last time Jon even told her he loved her.

I love you, she would say, you too, he would reply.

A lone tear slipped down her cheek. She sniffled softly but it was no use. The flood gates open and the waterworks came. How could I be so stupid? she asked herself, her mind repeating the question over and over like a broken record. Were things always this bad? Always this different? Did just turn the other cheek for habits sake? Because being with Jon was easy and stable?

Why must we all make sense,
Of what just won’t make sense,
For once, I'm just gonna live.
I'm just gonna live.

The questions came, piling on top of each other and fighting for dominance in her mind. Her answers, her weak attempts at quelling the fears, they died in her mind as her tears stopped. It occurred to her that she could wait it out and go back to Jon in the morning, apologize and claim a two many drinks and over emotional PMS as her cause for freaking out. She could sit back and take his actions, knowing they would probably get much worse once the Blackhawks call.

Or she could find someone who really truly loves her, someone that will fight for her and treat her right. Someone with whom the relationship won't be easy and things won't be ignored. Someone with whom the relationship won't continue just because of convenience; because of habit.

Emma was torn. She wanted to believe that she was wrong, that the signs were wrong about Jon, but she knew, she absolutely knew in the depths of her heart that she wasn't. And when her phone started buzzing uncontrollably and it was TJ's name on the caller ID everything was cemented for her.

I'm gonna go on,
Living like I never met you,
And it'll feel wrong at first,
But I think i can forget you.