I'm Sorrier Than You Can Know
Two
A movement occurred in the doorway behind Frankie; unbeknown to him, but the sound of a little cough caused frankie to start and turn around.
“Bren…”
“Shh.” He moved over to the sofa and Frankie sat up, allowing him to sit down.
“Look, Frankie…” He braced himself, ready for the awkwardness that would follow.
“Brendan, I don’t want to hear it-”
“No. be quiet. I just…I wanted to say that…What I did was wrong, and I know how much I hurt you, and I’m sorrier than you can know.”
Those words. They echoed off the walls, in and out of Frankie’s brain.
“I…but, I still don’t get why…”
“I guess neither of us will ever know why. Truth is, I loved you, and I really fucked everything up. And I just wanna say sorry.”
Frankie sighed. Nothing could make him feel better; not even being with Brendan, not even bringing his mom back to life. He had dug himself into a hole, and there would be no digging out of it.
“Thanks Bren, but you have no idea what I’m going through. And don’t look so offended,”
“I’m not offended I’m just…taken aback,”
“Well, at the moment, nothing seems like it is worth a thought, because nothing matters any more. Life is pointless and everything is disappearing before my eyes. Speaking of, what happened to that Jay guy?”
“He left. He said that you and I had to talk, and he didn’t want to be in the way of anything.”
“Are you seeing each other?” Stupid question. Of course they were seeing each other. Brendan was extremely good-looking, and Jay wasn’t too bad. He looked like the kind of guy Bren would go for.
“No. well…no. it’s complicated.”
“Right. Well, sorry I made your boyfriend leave. I’ll be going, then,” Frankie stood up from the sofa but Brendan pulled him back down again. He gave Frankie a pleading look, and he felt such an urge to kiss him it was almost unbearable. At that moment Frankie would have done anything, anything just to hold him again.
Brendan pulled Frankie into a hug, and as Frankie pressed his now tear-soaked face into Bren’s shirt, he felt safe. Frankie thought for a split second, as he sat there on Brendan’s sofa, that everything was going to be ok. The world had meaning again.
Frankie awoke to the sound of the garage door opening, and Brendan’s parents’ car backing out of the driveway. He could feel Brendan’s morning glory pressing into his shoulder, as Frankie had fallen asleep across his lap, and it turned him on.
“H-huh?” Brendan twitched and woke up. Frankie pretended to still be asleep, and groaned quietly. He sat up, and rubbed his eyes, causing eyeliner to rub off on his hands.
“Morning frank,” Brendan said quietly, “Shit, my parents have left already,”
“Yeah, I heard them leave. Think they will care that I’m here?”
There was still a faint outline of the wet patch on Brendan’s t-shirt from Frankie’s tears. Brendan stared contemplatively at Frankie, and as he did so, he sucked his bottom lip. Frankie couldn’t help it any longer; he kissed Brendan. Brendan pulled back, and looked away. Raising a hand to his cute blonde hair, Frankie whispered “what’s wrong?”
“You shouldn’t still love me, Frankie. I broke your heart. This isn’t right…”
“I don’t care; I just want to be with you!”
“Frankie….” Brendan looked down at the carpet, and his black-varnished toes, “There’s a reason why we had to break up. I didn’t plan on ending it the way it did, but I was going to end it soon because…” he gulped, as if the words he was going to say held painful truth. Frankie did not want to hear what he was going to say, but instead he braced his overactive emotions.
“My family is moving to New York, and there’s a possibility that we will never see each-other again.”
Frankie’s stomach dropped. His head was spinning, and all he could think was: no. no, he can’t leave. He can’t leave me here on my own…
Once again, tears began to well in Frankie’s eyes, and he could see the same happening to Brendan. A pleading look was all he could muster as he whispered “please. Don’t leave me here."
“You’ll be ok Frankie. I promise.”
“No, I won’t! Don’t you see, Bren, I fucking need you! I can’t keep living like this, not alone…I can’t take any more…” his voice lacked appropriate emotion. He stared blankly at a spot on the wall and Brendan watched him with concern.
“Jesus Frankie, don’t do anything stupid…We will stay in touch, you can still tell me-”
“No Bren. I’m not o-fucking-kay, and it will never be ok again.”
Without another word, Frankie left Brendan sitting there on the sofa, and began to walk home. What awaited him, he didn’t know, he just knew that there was no turning back. What he left behind him was gone, and would never be coming back.
“Bren…”
“Shh.” He moved over to the sofa and Frankie sat up, allowing him to sit down.
“Look, Frankie…” He braced himself, ready for the awkwardness that would follow.
“Brendan, I don’t want to hear it-”
“No. be quiet. I just…I wanted to say that…What I did was wrong, and I know how much I hurt you, and I’m sorrier than you can know.”
Those words. They echoed off the walls, in and out of Frankie’s brain.
“I…but, I still don’t get why…”
“I guess neither of us will ever know why. Truth is, I loved you, and I really fucked everything up. And I just wanna say sorry.”
Frankie sighed. Nothing could make him feel better; not even being with Brendan, not even bringing his mom back to life. He had dug himself into a hole, and there would be no digging out of it.
“Thanks Bren, but you have no idea what I’m going through. And don’t look so offended,”
“I’m not offended I’m just…taken aback,”
“Well, at the moment, nothing seems like it is worth a thought, because nothing matters any more. Life is pointless and everything is disappearing before my eyes. Speaking of, what happened to that Jay guy?”
“He left. He said that you and I had to talk, and he didn’t want to be in the way of anything.”
“Are you seeing each other?” Stupid question. Of course they were seeing each other. Brendan was extremely good-looking, and Jay wasn’t too bad. He looked like the kind of guy Bren would go for.
“No. well…no. it’s complicated.”
“Right. Well, sorry I made your boyfriend leave. I’ll be going, then,” Frankie stood up from the sofa but Brendan pulled him back down again. He gave Frankie a pleading look, and he felt such an urge to kiss him it was almost unbearable. At that moment Frankie would have done anything, anything just to hold him again.
Brendan pulled Frankie into a hug, and as Frankie pressed his now tear-soaked face into Bren’s shirt, he felt safe. Frankie thought for a split second, as he sat there on Brendan’s sofa, that everything was going to be ok. The world had meaning again.
Frankie awoke to the sound of the garage door opening, and Brendan’s parents’ car backing out of the driveway. He could feel Brendan’s morning glory pressing into his shoulder, as Frankie had fallen asleep across his lap, and it turned him on.
“H-huh?” Brendan twitched and woke up. Frankie pretended to still be asleep, and groaned quietly. He sat up, and rubbed his eyes, causing eyeliner to rub off on his hands.
“Morning frank,” Brendan said quietly, “Shit, my parents have left already,”
“Yeah, I heard them leave. Think they will care that I’m here?”
There was still a faint outline of the wet patch on Brendan’s t-shirt from Frankie’s tears. Brendan stared contemplatively at Frankie, and as he did so, he sucked his bottom lip. Frankie couldn’t help it any longer; he kissed Brendan. Brendan pulled back, and looked away. Raising a hand to his cute blonde hair, Frankie whispered “what’s wrong?”
“You shouldn’t still love me, Frankie. I broke your heart. This isn’t right…”
“I don’t care; I just want to be with you!”
“Frankie….” Brendan looked down at the carpet, and his black-varnished toes, “There’s a reason why we had to break up. I didn’t plan on ending it the way it did, but I was going to end it soon because…” he gulped, as if the words he was going to say held painful truth. Frankie did not want to hear what he was going to say, but instead he braced his overactive emotions.
“My family is moving to New York, and there’s a possibility that we will never see each-other again.”
Frankie’s stomach dropped. His head was spinning, and all he could think was: no. no, he can’t leave. He can’t leave me here on my own…
Once again, tears began to well in Frankie’s eyes, and he could see the same happening to Brendan. A pleading look was all he could muster as he whispered “please. Don’t leave me here."
“You’ll be ok Frankie. I promise.”
“No, I won’t! Don’t you see, Bren, I fucking need you! I can’t keep living like this, not alone…I can’t take any more…” his voice lacked appropriate emotion. He stared blankly at a spot on the wall and Brendan watched him with concern.
“Jesus Frankie, don’t do anything stupid…We will stay in touch, you can still tell me-”
“No Bren. I’m not o-fucking-kay, and it will never be ok again.”
Without another word, Frankie left Brendan sitting there on the sofa, and began to walk home. What awaited him, he didn’t know, he just knew that there was no turning back. What he left behind him was gone, and would never be coming back.