The Patient Ferris Wheel
1/1
“I love you,” James said as he stood before me, his blue eyes burning with intensity “and I want to spend my whole life with you.” His expression suddenly broke out into a nervous laugh as he whipped his flat cap from his head holding it in front of his chest and then gently bit down upon his lip before asking “Will you marry me?” He then bent down on one knee producing a small box from his pocket. As he opened it there lay brightest diamond placed on a small delicate silver band, so small yet so beautiful. Reflected in the diamond I could see my own emerald eyes, staring back at me, yet not recognising the expression which lay behind them.
Breaking my gaze from the ring, I turned my eyes back to James’. He waited patiently, his expression filled with hope and expectancy. He was always so patient, not like me. I just couldn’t wait around forever.
When we met, maybe I was more patient then. That summer in ’54. I was only 17 and you 19. Everything was so much more different back then. I first laid eyes on you at that carnival, a cane in one hand and a smile on your face so wide and happy, I think as cliché as it sounds I fell for you there and then. I definitely fell for something about you at least. But I was shy, I smiled at you before breaking eye contact when feeling my face flush. It was then I felt your hand upon my shoulder.
“Hey, how about a free ride?” You asked, your eyes almost twinkling under the bright carnival lights. Your hand spread out wide and inviting, waiting for me to accept the invitation, and I did. Gently I placed my hand in yours feeling butterflies flutter within my stomach.
We took a ride on the Ferris wheel and it was perfect. We laughed and joked the whole way round and I felt so at ease with you. When we reached the top, fireworks set off in the distance and illuminated the night sky. It was beautiful. The colourful carriages of the wheel lit up, red, green, yellow and blue lighting up the whole carnival, causing the Ferris wheel to be the centre of attention. Everyone could see the Ferris wheel for miles, its lights gleaming across the whole bay. Underneath the glow of the bright white light your face lit up against the back drop of the night sky. You became the focus of everything. Then you took my face in your hands and softly planted a kiss on my lips. It was then I became yours.
I learnt you were the son of the carnival owner, but you were born in Illinois but raised mostly on the road, travelling around with the carnival. But every summer the carnival returned to New Jersey and you returned too.
When we first met that summer, I always thought I’d wait for you forever. Nothing would come between us. Time was nothing compared to love. But those are all such cliché words. Meaningless phrases when it comes to reality. When you left that first September, it hurt so much. I never knew it would hurt that bad. If waiting was this constant feeling of pain, I wasn’t sure if I could ever wait for you.
I always waited for you though, always. I pushed the pain away and the loneliness. God, you will never understand how alone I felt. I hated it. Knowing you were on the road, having fun in the carnival, and jealously soared through my veins when I thought of the other girls from other cities you would meet. Just like you met me. I was only happy when you were with me, and you hardly ever were.
Now, five summers down the line and here you were proposing to me.
“Cecilia?” he asked, his face full of questions and worst of all, pain.
“I’m sorry,” I began with a sigh, the pain ripping through me as I knew how much this would devastate him. He thought we were happy. “I don’t love you anymore. I don’t know how else to say this but I just can’t wait for you any longer. I’m sorry.”
He jumped up and placed his hands on my shoulders, looking me straight in the eye trying to read what thoughts lay behind my eyes. “No! You can’t just say you don’t love me anymore, I don’t believe you! And wait for what? I’m here!” His voice rose with impatience as he demanded his answers.
“You’re here now for the first time in months! I just can’t wait anymore; you don’t know what it’s like.”
“Of course I know, I miss you too but I never stopped loving you. I know how hard this is but I love you so we’ll work it out.”
“Hard?! You think it’s hard. Jay, it’s unbearable. You’re off travelling the world, living life on the road, living life like you’re free. I’m the one who’s left behind in all this. It hurts so much; it feels like I’m rejected every time you leave again. I go to work and then I come home to an empty house. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m sorry. I need someone I can depend on.”
“Why are you doing this to me?” He begged me, his voice breaking and his eyes suddenly becoming distant as though a barrier had already emerged between us separating our emotions and feelings. I felt cold and heartless as I looked at James and realised how true my words were. I really didn’t love him anymore. Waiting all that time, all that pain I felt, just churned into this emotion that was now directed right towards him. It wasn’t quite hate, just emptiness. When I looked at him I felt nothing, just hollow and drained.
Slowly I kissed him on the cheek, leaving a faint imprint of my lipstick on his skin. “Things just went wrong. I’m sorry.” Then I turned away, ready to leave him forever, and this time as we separated I finally felt at peace.
Breaking my gaze from the ring, I turned my eyes back to James’. He waited patiently, his expression filled with hope and expectancy. He was always so patient, not like me. I just couldn’t wait around forever.
When we met, maybe I was more patient then. That summer in ’54. I was only 17 and you 19. Everything was so much more different back then. I first laid eyes on you at that carnival, a cane in one hand and a smile on your face so wide and happy, I think as cliché as it sounds I fell for you there and then. I definitely fell for something about you at least. But I was shy, I smiled at you before breaking eye contact when feeling my face flush. It was then I felt your hand upon my shoulder.
“Hey, how about a free ride?” You asked, your eyes almost twinkling under the bright carnival lights. Your hand spread out wide and inviting, waiting for me to accept the invitation, and I did. Gently I placed my hand in yours feeling butterflies flutter within my stomach.
We took a ride on the Ferris wheel and it was perfect. We laughed and joked the whole way round and I felt so at ease with you. When we reached the top, fireworks set off in the distance and illuminated the night sky. It was beautiful. The colourful carriages of the wheel lit up, red, green, yellow and blue lighting up the whole carnival, causing the Ferris wheel to be the centre of attention. Everyone could see the Ferris wheel for miles, its lights gleaming across the whole bay. Underneath the glow of the bright white light your face lit up against the back drop of the night sky. You became the focus of everything. Then you took my face in your hands and softly planted a kiss on my lips. It was then I became yours.
I learnt you were the son of the carnival owner, but you were born in Illinois but raised mostly on the road, travelling around with the carnival. But every summer the carnival returned to New Jersey and you returned too.
When we first met that summer, I always thought I’d wait for you forever. Nothing would come between us. Time was nothing compared to love. But those are all such cliché words. Meaningless phrases when it comes to reality. When you left that first September, it hurt so much. I never knew it would hurt that bad. If waiting was this constant feeling of pain, I wasn’t sure if I could ever wait for you.
I always waited for you though, always. I pushed the pain away and the loneliness. God, you will never understand how alone I felt. I hated it. Knowing you were on the road, having fun in the carnival, and jealously soared through my veins when I thought of the other girls from other cities you would meet. Just like you met me. I was only happy when you were with me, and you hardly ever were.
Now, five summers down the line and here you were proposing to me.
“Cecilia?” he asked, his face full of questions and worst of all, pain.
“I’m sorry,” I began with a sigh, the pain ripping through me as I knew how much this would devastate him. He thought we were happy. “I don’t love you anymore. I don’t know how else to say this but I just can’t wait for you any longer. I’m sorry.”
He jumped up and placed his hands on my shoulders, looking me straight in the eye trying to read what thoughts lay behind my eyes. “No! You can’t just say you don’t love me anymore, I don’t believe you! And wait for what? I’m here!” His voice rose with impatience as he demanded his answers.
“You’re here now for the first time in months! I just can’t wait anymore; you don’t know what it’s like.”
“Of course I know, I miss you too but I never stopped loving you. I know how hard this is but I love you so we’ll work it out.”
“Hard?! You think it’s hard. Jay, it’s unbearable. You’re off travelling the world, living life on the road, living life like you’re free. I’m the one who’s left behind in all this. It hurts so much; it feels like I’m rejected every time you leave again. I go to work and then I come home to an empty house. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m sorry. I need someone I can depend on.”
“Why are you doing this to me?” He begged me, his voice breaking and his eyes suddenly becoming distant as though a barrier had already emerged between us separating our emotions and feelings. I felt cold and heartless as I looked at James and realised how true my words were. I really didn’t love him anymore. Waiting all that time, all that pain I felt, just churned into this emotion that was now directed right towards him. It wasn’t quite hate, just emptiness. When I looked at him I felt nothing, just hollow and drained.
Slowly I kissed him on the cheek, leaving a faint imprint of my lipstick on his skin. “Things just went wrong. I’m sorry.” Then I turned away, ready to leave him forever, and this time as we separated I finally felt at peace.