It's Worse Than You Think

I groaned for probably the third time in the past fifteen minutes, and leaned against the kitchen counter, ignoring the jabbing pain in my lower back.

For some reason, this was making me extremely nervous: the idea of Finn and Zeke coming over. I know that I’m overreacting, and that everything will go fine, but that’s only slightly comforting. I mean, I consider them my friends. They’re the only people here in Chicago I have to turn to. It’s bittersweet, the more I think about it; being completely on my own in a foreign city the way that I am. I can be whoever I want, because nobody knows me. And that’s what I fucking needed.

I ran a hand through my hair, tugging on the ends, and then the doorbell rang. It all felt so dramatic, and I almost wanted to laugh out loud. I made my way towards the door, and just as I was about to reach out for the doorknob, I realized something. They were coming over on their own accord. They were doing this for me. This was Finn’s idea, and Zeke wanted to be a part of it. I need to fucking calm down, don’t I?

I swung the door open, smiling almost immediately, and let them in. Finn patted me on the arm on his way by, and dropped a tray of food onto the counter. I didn’t even notice what it was because I was too busy staring at Zeke.

There was something off about him, and I found myself struggling to figure out what. His eyes were bloodshot, like he had a hangover, or he’d just been crying for a long period of time. The first one didn’t sound probable, because even if I hardly know him, I don’t peg him as a big drinker. But he simply didn’t seem like himself. It was almost like he was trying too hard to keep a frown off of his face. Here I am, going off like I’m best friends with him. I don’t know who I’m trying to kid, because I’m not.

Zeke however, despite everything that I had assumed in my mind, smiled naturally at me. “Hi, Marshall.”

He walked past me to stand in the center of the living room, looking around with a small smirk tugging on his lips. “The place looks great.”

We all laughed, and I pouted. “The lack of anything, really, has been getting old. But I have my own place!” I shouted in excitement, looking back and forth between the two of them.

Finn chuckled, “So, have you had any problems with the apartment at all?”

“No, it’s been great, actually. There’s not much to do, but fuck, I hardly care. You know,” I began, mocking a professional expression, “Floors are more comfortable then you’d think.”

“I think I’ll stick to beds, thanks,” Finn responded, imitating my face.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Zeke cut in, and I turned to look at him, scanning over his outfit momentarily. Jesus, does he ever just wear a t-shirt? Oh well, because he’s fucking adorable anyways. “Hardwood floors aren’t so bad, Finn. They’re . . . cold so if you’re hot, it feels good?” he said, attempting to have a successful argument, and I simply ended up laughing.

“Exactly,” I stated, going along with it by crossing my arms in triumph.

“You guys can go ahead and have a grand time sleeping together on the floor, then.”

I peeked at Zeke casually to see if he had caught the double meaning in Finn’s words, and my eyes became amused when I saw his head ducked down with a pink tint on his cheeks. God, he’s so innocent.

“Marshall, you should give us a tour of the place,” Zeke suggested, his eyebrows raised in a somewhat hopeful expression. I have no clue why he seems so eager, but whatever. The idea that Zeke is actually interesting in something about me, makes me want to smile like a dumbass.

I nodded, “Sure. Well,” I paused to clear my throat, “Here’s the living room. And Finn, you’re currently standing in the kitchen.”

They both laughed, and I headed down the hallway, gesturing for them to follow me. I stood in front of the doorway, and shuddered internally when I could feel Zeke right behind me, looking over my shoulder. Goddamn it.

“Is this going to be your room?” Finn asked.

“Yep. I imagine it’ll look better with, you know, a bed or something,” I responded sarcastically, and then I turned to face them. “The bathroom’s down the hall and to the left, I have a shitload of hall closets, and that’s my apartment for you.”

“I love it,” Zeke commented, sauntering back into the living room.

I smiled, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Finn turn away and roll his eyes. Zeke suddenly looked uncomfortable, and his eyes darted to the food tray. “Is it okay if I open this now?” We both gave him odd looks for even asking permission, and he pursed his lips. “Fuck you, guys,” he whined, taking off the plastic lid so he could steal a few crackers.

“No, I’d rather not if that’s okay.”

He glared at Finn, who was merely grinning, “Come on, you’d be lucky to get some of this.”

“Well, save some of ‘that’ for Marshall, yeah?”

I wasn’t sure if I supposed to hear that, seeing how it was kind of a whisper, so I pretended I didn’t to save Zeke more embarrassment; even though he blushed and punched Finn on the thigh anyways.

I watched them, my stomach churning with an odd feeling of jealousy. Or maybe it was longing. Watching them interact around each other made me think of Blake. We have the exact kind of friendship that they share, and I hate seeing it displayed right in front of me. It’s not their fault, and I’m pretty fucked up for complaining; but I can’t help it. I miss my best friend. But then at the very same time, I don’t have an ounce of regret coming here.

“Marshall?” I looked up to meet Zeke’s eye, and bit my lip. “Are you okay?”

I nodded, praying I was convincing. “I was just zoning out.” Which wasn’t even a lie. Zoning out is something I seem to be doing more and more of everyday.

I took a few of the crackers and cheese as well just to give my hands something to do. “Thanks for bringing food,” I told them, because honestly I hadn’t even thought about anything like that. I think my fridge is currently stocked with TV dinners, and lunch meat. I don’t know why I’m so bad about buying groceries, either.

“It’s no problem,” Zeke answered, and Finn shot a playful glare in his direction.

“Zeke, taking all of the credit. I’m the one that brought the food, because you were-” He cut himself off, and his expression flickered into one of momentary guilt.

I sighed, feeling out of the loop once again. Why do I have a feeling that Zeke has some big, horrific secret? Okay, maybe that’s going far, but I’m dying to get to know him, and I never see the chance to actually ask him anything. Then again, who am I to expect him to tell me anything?

“Hey, you know what?” Zeke said suddenly, “I should do a painting for you!”

My mind immediately became distracted, and I beamed. “Would you? That’d be amazing! But not if it’s too much trouble for you,” I added, suddenly feeling like a fucking idiot for being so eager about it.

“Not at all, I’d love to.” We smiled at each other, and I laughed softly when he averted his attention to his skinny jean clad thigh. “Can I ask you a question?” he continued.

“Sure.”

“Have you always lived in Chicago?”

I swallowed hard, “No, I actually lived in Portland, Oregon, and I moved here once I graduated high school.”

“Oregon?” Zeke repeated with a confused expression, “That’s so far away. Why’d you move?”

“It’s a really long story.” He nodded, obviously completely understanding, but I still felt the need to elaborate. “I’ll tell it another time, I'm not really up to ruining this party with my life story,” I joked, even though it was true. Simply thinking about the reason why I left is enough to make me sad, let alone explain everything aloud to them. I doubt I’d be able to completely make it through.

“Mine’s probably worse,” Zeke returned, and the thing that bothered me was that the way his eyebrows were knit together, he didn’t look like he was lying.

We spent the next two hours talking and eating, while lying down on my hardwood floor. The warmth that was radiating off of Zeke’s body since he was about three inches away from me, made me want to roll on top of him so that I could give him a hug. But you know, that’d be slightly creepy.

“Well, we should probably go,” Finn said finally, getting up off the floor; gripping mine and Zeke’s arm to help us up as well. “But Marshall, I’m in love with your place. You should probably expect us over a lot more often.”

I laughed, not really doubting it, and walked behind them as we headed to the door. “I really appreciate this,” I said around a smile, causing them both to shrug in response. “I’ll see you guys later.”

“Bye Marshall,” Zeke responded, leaning forward to give me a quick hug. It took me a moment to respond, his warm body pressed against mine was almost too much to handle. As I was about to raise my arms he pulled away, heading out into the hallway with a pink tint scattered over his cheeks. Finn rolled his eyes, giving me an exasperated look before leaving as well to follow him.

I smirked, and shut the door, shaking my head to myself.

Zeke Carelock, you confuse the fuck out of me.