It's Worse Than You Think

Okay. I like him.

Don’t ask me what it was that made me officially admit it to myself, but it’s happened. Call me a fucking lunatic for all I care: because I like someone two years older than me who I’ve known for a little over two months. Zeke’s simply too amazing not to like. He’s so easy to be around, and I love having someone like that in my life. I don’t need anymore complications, because it’s just not worth it.

Jesus, I definitely wasn’t this romantic in Oregon. What’s happening to me? A few days ago, when I was talking to Zeke and Finn about relationships, I wasn’t lying. I didn’t really date in high school. I mean shit, I didn’t lose my virginity until I was well over seventeen in a half. And even then, it wasn’t like I was in love with the guy.

The more I think about it, I don’t know why I didn’t have a lot of boyfriends throughout high school. I guess I just preferred things casual, and I never liked anybody enough. But it’s different whenever I think about Zeke. What I want with him isn’t this random fling that’ll go on for a few weeks. I don’t just want to have sex with him, and then dump him a few days afterwards. I want to see if we could last, and I want it to be real.

And to be honest, I think Zeke’s reason as to not having a boyfriend is pretty fucked up. He really believes that people think he’s not worth it? I find it hard to believe that guys aren’t approaching him left and right, even if just the idea of that makes my stomach churn.

I don’t know though, I’ve never liked someone this quickly. I’ve never liked someone despite knowing so little about them. But I don’t even fucking care. And that is what’s scaring me the most.

I walked over to the mountain of furniture I currently had grouped together in my living room, and couldn’t help but laugh at myself. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. All of the things I had bought from IKEA arrived yesterday, and I haven’t even touched anything. I don’t know what I’m waiting for, either. It’s not that I’m lazy, more like I’m at a loss of where to begin.

You know, I think I’m going to call Blake. It’s been a little over a week since I’ve last spoken to him, which is totally fucking unacceptable. Seriously, for the first time in my life, I’m not talking to my best friend everyday. It’s weird to think about, because I never thought that would happen to me. But things have changed, we both have our own, separate lives now.

“Blake?” I said, “It’s Marshall.”

“Marshall! How are you, man?”

I grinned into the receiver. “Jesus, Blake. If you could see me. I’m in my living room, currently trying to set up some of the furniture that I bought.”

“I’m sure that’s working out great,” he laughed sarcastically.

“It’s . . . coming along. Do you remember that time we spent the entire afternoon trying to build that nightstand for your bedroom?”

“Yeah,” Blake muttered, “Shitting thing wouldn’t stand up for anything.”

“Right, well this is about fifteen times worse.”

“Oh,” he groaned, “And you’re doing this by yourself?”

“Yep. It’s fucked, really. I’ll figure it out eventually, though. Anyways, anything exciting happen to you lately?”

“Not really. I'm actually starting to regret taking a year off before college.”

I furrowed my eyebrows, “Why? You were so sure about it, before.”

“’Cause I’m not doing anything useful like I’d originally planned. I’ve been hanging out with Alec and Hannah constantly, man. I’m getting nothing done.”

“It’s only October. Things will get better, I know it. I promise I won’t let you just sit around, and I doubt that you’ll really let that happen,” I added. “A year’s a long time.”

Blake let out a sigh, and I could imagine him lying on his bed, looking up at the ceiling. “You’re right. October, wow. Marshall, you’ve only been gone for three months. Why does it feel like forever?”

“I don’t know, but I get what you mean. I feel like I’ve lived in Chicago for years. And I don’t even know if that’s a good thing or not.”

He chuckled, “It is. You’re happy.”

I smiled softly, “I am.”

We talked for another half hour, before I told him I had to go. For some reason, I didn’t mention Finn, or Zeke. I guess in my head, it makes me leaving a little easier if I don’t talk about those kinds of things with him. Fucked up, I know, because I doubt he’d mind.

I eyed the couch with a weary expression and ran a hand over my face. That’s good enough, isn’t it? It’s not like I have anyone else to impress with my kick-ass apartment other then myself. Besides, I have a much more pressing matter to worry and stress over.

Tomorrow, I’m going to do it. I’ll go up to Zeke, and tell him that I want to be his boyfriend. No wait, I’ll ask him if he wants to be. You can’t just demand something like that, what the fuck is my problem?

No, wait! Shit! What am I thinking? He’s not interested in me. I’m only nineteen; he probably doesn’t want to get involved with someone that’s technically still a teenager. Zeke’s blushing doesn’t have anything to do with me. That’s just him, isn’t it? And even I know it’s moving fast to ask him that. Just because I like him, doesn’t mean he must automatically like me back.

There’s still too much that I don’t know about him. There’s still too much he doesn’t know about me.

I threw myself down on the couch, and rested my hands on the back of my head. Then I’m going to get to know him.

--

“Do you have any plans?” Finn wondered, reaching for his nametag with eager hands so he could put it away. I loved how we both complained immensely about this job, but I know deep inside, neither one of us would give it up for anything.

I bit my lip, “Not really. I’ll probably just head straight home today.”

For some reason, the idea of asking Zeke to hang out, and then sticking around afterwards just felt like an odd situation that I wanted to avoid. Mainly because I see Finn making it a big deal, and even though it is to me, Zeke doesn’t need that.

He furrowed his eyebrows, “You’re not staying with Zeke and me?”

“Nope. And besides, it has to be just you two sometimes,” I pointed out.

“I don’t mind. And I bet you anything he doesn’t have a problem with it either,” Finn grinned, winking.

“You need help, man.” I went to slip my own nametag off, which I really do fucking hate, and turned only to see Zeke through the coffee shop window. Why does he have to be so good looking? I’m not saying I’m this hideous monster, but the fact that he can look so perfect is disturbing. “There’s Zeke. I’m going to go say hi, so I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Alright, Marshall. You go and say hi to Zeke,” he responded, giving me a grin only Finn could pull off.

I rolled my eyes and took a deep breath, walking over to Zeke who smiled upon seeing me. That’s a good sign, isn’t it? Fuck. I don’t even know.

“Hi, Marshall.”

“Hey, Zeke. I- Uh,” I sputtered out as he started to walk around me, “Do you want to do something together this weekend?” I asked him, trying to appear at least somewhat confident. Like I totally couldn’t pass out due to my nerves right now.

I don’t know why this is suddenly all so different. Maybe because I like him, as in have feelings for him, and in my own head, I want this to mean something else completely.

I must have sounded alright though, because Zeke pursed his lips, and averted his gaze to the floor for a moment. His face was flushing, and I took that as another good sign. “With Finn?”

I paused, debating about whether or not to back out completely or keep going. “No. Well, I don’t know. I had a lot of fun with you at IKEA, and thought we should hang out again. Just . . . us.” Jesus, I’m really butchering this.

Zeke’s face stretched out into a smile, “O-Okay. Do you want to come over to my place after I get off at Quimby’s? That’s around seven thirty.” His expression became pinched, and he looked down on me with hesitant eyes. “Is that too late?”

I shook my head, fighting the urge to roll my eyes. “That’s fine.” That’s basically fucking perfect, I really wanted to say. Anytime wouldn’t have mattered to me. Oh man, now I sound desperate. I’m really glad he can’t read my mind, because I have a feeling over the half of the things I’ve been thinking lately would send him running away from me so fucking fast.

If it wasn’t Zeke, with anyone else that I’ve ever known, this whole ‘coming to my place’ could totally classify as a hook-up or something. But I know that’s probably one of the last things on his mind. And I have no clue how that’s really supposed to make me feel.

It doesn’t matter, because Saturday can’t come fucking fast enough.