It's Worse Than You Think

Time was passing by too quickly, and as I pulled on a pair of skinny jeans and white cardigan, there was only about ten minutes until I had to leave. For the entire day, I’ve had this anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. That feeling where you’re nervous for something and you just want to get it over with, but at the same time you know that you’re being dramatic and unreasonable. The evening ahead of me will be fun, being surrounded by the people who mean everything to me. The more I think about it, the more I realize that’s not what’s getting to me. Just the fact that it’s my birthday, and it’s the same routine every single year. Dreading the day, having a great time with Finn, dreading opening presents, looking forward to going to sleep so the day’s over.

I feel too old, I can feel it in my bones and in my heart. Twenty two seems like such a large number, it’s hard to handle. I am handling it, but I don’t want to nor do I enjoy it.

Before I could slip on a blue jacket and grab my keys, I heard a knock on the door, causing me to furrow my eyebrows. I dashed over, and was surprised to see it was Finn, swinging open the door with a grin on my face. “Finn, what are you doing here?”

He stepped in and wrapped an arm around me, squeezing my shoulder gently. “Happy Birthday, Zeke.”

I smiled softly, “You’ve told me three times since this morning.”

Finn laughed loud at that, rolling his eyes. He reached behind to pull a pack of cigarettes out of his back pocket, pulling one out for himself, placing it between his lips before offering me one as well. “Actually,” he began as I took one, “I’m here because I figured I’d drive you to your lover’s place. I want to spend some more time together today, even if it is only for the car ride there.”

I murmured a shy thank you before lighting the cigarette he’d given me. We headed out the door to the parking garage, and I inhaled the nicotine that I’ve been so addicted to. Maybe I should quit smoking, I know that it wouldn’t be the worst thing that I could do for myself. But shit, I don’t think I could do it. I’d give up, I know I would.

Finn shot me a quick look before we got into his car, and I laughed, knowing exactly what he was thinking. Honestly, his car’s a piece of shit. It’s red, it’s small, and it smells like smoke and cologne. We have this mutual, unspoken understanding that his car is a trip to the junkyard waiting to happen.

“How are you and Marshall?” Finn asked suddenly, and I jumped slightly in surprise before turning to face him, smirking slightly.

“We’re great,” I answered, and he nodded, looking away from the road to eye me for a moment. His lips were pursed, one hand gripping the bottom of the wheel carelessly. I probably shouldn’t even feel safe with him driving, actually. I bit back a smile, raising an eyebrow. “What?”

“I’ve never seen you this happy. Never, as long as I’ve known you. Not even when you paint. It’s great, I’m proud of you.”

The car shut off, and I was left sitting there, not sure what to say. Was it really that noticeable? I gazed at my reflection in the glass, trying to study the lines on my face, the emotions, trying to read what I could see. Then again, if anyone was to pick up on anything about me it’d obviously be Finn. But still, it’s strange. I’ve never thought about it. We got out of the car, silence and Finn’s words hanging in the air, but not awkwardly. It was comfortable, and eventually I decided that I didn’t need to say anything at all. Once we got to his apartment, I swallowed hard and wrinkled my nose.

“Well, are you ready?”

He grinned at that, “I think the better question would be if you’re ready.”

I shot him a panicked look, knocking on Marshall’s front door as my hands tapped against my hips anxiously.

“Zeke! Happy Birthday!” Marshall blurted out, offering me a smile as he pulled me in, wrapping his arms around my waist to embrace me in a hug. I raised my arms to return it, attempting to casually inhale his scent as I tightened my own arms around his torso. Once we pulled away, I caught sight of Finn taking a place on the kitchen counter, before pressing my lips against Marshall’s for a lingering kiss.

“Thank you,” I told him, running a hand through my hair as I felt the heat flush up to my face and my neck. “How are you?”

He leaned forward once more to attach his lips to mine before moving towards the kitchen, “I’m fine, I didn’t do shit today. I’m starting to realize that I don’t do much on the days I don’t work, or don’t see you.”

I had to agree, that’s becoming more and more true for me. “Oh, gosh,” I murmured under my breath, biting my lip at the equally frightening smirks on both Marshall and Finn’s faces as I noticed a medium sized box on his dining table. It was still unnecessary money spent on something irrelevant, but it seemed they’d listened. Kept it small, nothing was too much.

Deciding to ignore the present completely for the time being, I moved to sit down on the couch, and fought back the urge to smile at the memory of Marshall and I actually putting together and arranging his furniture. That seems like ages ago, years rather than just a handful of months. We had just started dating, it’s rather odd thinking back to the very beginning, to what events ultimately brought us together.

Finn sat down next to me, and I leaned over the couch arm to peek around the corner to see where Marshall had disappeared to. He saw my confused expression, and his lips curved up into a smirk, clearing his throat. “You’ll see.”

It was only a matter of minutes before Marshall reappeared, a large cake balanced on his hands. I laughed as they both began singing a rather bad rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’ and my face flushed once it ended, the cake being sat down right in front of me. I bit my lip, looking up at both of them. “Thank you.”

“Zeke, I made a cake, you’re acting like I’ve done something really spectacular,” Marshall told me, a smile on his face as he cut all three of us a slice hastily before sitting down. I ignored him, chuckling when he took a bite, groaning. “This is really fucking good, I have to admit.”

I nodded in agreement, watching him for a moment, Finn’s words echoing once more in my mind. I honestly don’t think I have ever been happier, except maybe back when my parents were alive, but I’d classify that as a different kind of happiness. Everything was so innocent when I was younger, but I can’t say I prefer that to how my life is now. Not when I’m with someone that I can certainly see myself being with for a long time. Meeting Marshall has changed virtually everything, and I hadn’t even fully realized it until now. Where the fuck have I been, and why am I just now completely understanding how much he means to me? My eyes darted back and forth between his, smiling softly as he broke out into a grin at something Finn was talking about, something that I wasn’t paying the slightest bit of attention to.

“Well,” Finn began after we’d all sat around talking for about an hour, his tone dripping with obvious sarcasm, “Shall we get to the part that I know you’ve been looking forward to?”

He leapt up to get his gift, when Marshall gently pulled my ear to his lips, “I feel like an ass, but I’m going to tell you about your present later.”

I furrowed my eyebrows, but nodded all the same just as Finn returned, propping himself up on the couch cross legged. I half attempted to cover up the automatic cringing I did as he handed it to me, and my best friend rolled his eyes, shaking his head.

“Ezekiel, quit pulling faces, just open it.”

Before I could shoot a quick glare in his direction, I immediately became distracted by the two cardigans that were folded up inside, a smile crossing my face as a pack of cigarettes fell out once the green fabric was lifted out of the box. Without any hesitation, I pulled it on, turning to face him. “You realize this is essentially my life in a box? Thank you so much-” I started, but he cut me off, perhaps sensing I was merely about to ramble.

“It’s no problem at all, Zeke. I did look like a proper tool picking the sweaters out, though,” he commented, causing both Marshall and I burst out laughing. I could imagine it perfectly, Finn attempting to be manly with his plaid shirts and casual expressions as he bought two light colored cardigans for his homosexual best friend. “But I’m glad that you like it.”

Finn pulled out another cigarette, clutching a green lighter in his left hand as he stood up. “I’m sorry that I’ve got to leave so suddenly, and early actually, but I’ve got to get going.”

I furrowed my eyebrows, but shook my head. “Don’t be sorry.”

He nodded, pushing up his glasses as he pursed his lips. “Do you need a ride back home?”

“I, I actually think I’m going to stay here for a while,” I responded, a blush rising up to my cheeks as he winked and pulled me in for a tight embrace. He grinned before reaching out for the doorknob.

“I’ll see you Monday, Marshall.”

“Yeah, definitely. Talk to you later.”

As soon as the door was shut, I threw myself down on the couch, and ran my hands over my face. That wasn’t so bad, I’ve got to admit. For turning twenty two, for feeling ancient, for feeling strange about being three years older than Marshall, for the sexual innuendo Finn left me with: it was a great time, at least.