Take It Slow, 'Cause I Can't Be on My Own

The light comforter on my bed was freezing. My sheets were chilled and shivers ran through me. My curtains had been pulled shut, allowing no light in. A glass of fresh ice water had been set on my bedside table and my door was open by just a crack. I closed my eyes and pretended it was November. I wished for the summer to be over. I wished for cold snow storms, blazing fires, Christmas lights and music, the warm feeling of a holiday season with your family. I sighed and let my feet fall to the icy wood of my floor. As I walked down the hall, I noticed that the house was silent. It’d been that way for a few days. I heard a few pans clanking in the kitchen and the hum of a washing machine, a ticking of a clock, the murmurs of the basement television, but no teenage boys. No music. No rough housing. I didn’t hear Jack’s voice, nor Alex’s, Zack’s, Rian’s, Matt’s... I heard nothing. My heart felt heavy as I noticed the silence of change.

When I walked into the kitchen I smelt the unfamiliar scent of actual food. Something other than pizza, for once. Pancakes sizzled on a pan and Jack stood in front of the refrigerator, staring at rows of ingredients. I watched him as he checked labels and he let out some incoherent whispering. He stared at the back of the box for the pancakes, carefully studying directions. Smoke rose from the frying pan and I let out a quick laugh. He turned around, startled. He looked at me, then back at the mess he’d made in the kitchen, and back towards me again. He scratched his head and cleared his throat. “I... uh. I was trying to make you breakfast. But, it appears I have no fucking idea how to cook.” He turned away from me awkwardly and shut off the stove, trying to waft away smoke with his hand.

“You were making me pancakes?” I asked.
“Well. Yeah. Dad always used to make Mom pancakes when she was pissed. I don’t know. Chicks love that shit, right?”
“I’m not pissed,” I said quietly. “I thought you were pissed at me.”
“You? No. At Matt, yeah, I’m fucking pissed. But not at you.”
“It’s not his fault.” This was the first time we’d spoken in about three days. That was the day that I finally came home. But we weren’t yelling. We were quiet. I think we were done yelling.
“Emily, stop being so self righteous. Stop saying this is all your fault. This is not your fault. It’s Matt’s. He knew better, he knew how I’d react. He knows you are too. young. But he did it anyway. And it’s his fault.”
“I want to be with him.”
“Why?”
I paused to think for a moment. “He makes me happy.”
“A lot of things can make you happy. Choose something else.”
“No,” I looked him in the eye, “he makes me really happy, Jack. Like, genuinely happy. I don’t know. I’ve been.. better lately.”
“He treats girls like shit.”
“Not me.”
“Not yet, you mean.”
“Alex treats girls like shit. But not me. And it’s the same thing.”

He turned away from me and walked out of the kitchen. He climbed the stairs and stepped into his bedroom, and slammed the door. I followed him, and opened it. “Jack. Stop walking away. We haven’t spoken in three days. Yeah, I lied to you, but you can’t keep treating me like this. I need you to be here for me, I need you to be my older brother. I need to talk to you. We have to work this out. Because I’m not letting Matt go this soon, and I’m not ruining my relationship with you. So face me, and talk to me about it.”

“You’re my baby sister. Enough fucked up shit has happened in our family. You have enough to handle. I don’t want some dumb ass guy to come and ruin you all over again, alright? I’m always going to be here for you to fall back on, I promise. But you’re setting yourself up for trouble. Honestly, it’s just Alex all over again.”

“You don’t understand. Alex was just.. stupid. I admit, it was stupid. I cannot believe I did that. Repeatedly. But I needed someone, badly. And I thought that Alex could be that person. That was a dumb, horrible idea. But I slept with him, whatever. I slept with him because I was scared, and alone, and he was there, and we we hours and hours away from home, and I felt okay for a few minutes. I wanted Alex to be something he wasn’t. But.. Matt is everything that Alex can never, ever be for me. That you can’t be for me, that dad can’t be for me. He fills a void that every person has. So just, please don’t take it away. If I get hurt, I get hurt. But I just want to feel okay for a few minutes, a few months, whatever.”

Jack sighed. I mimicked his actions, preparing for the worst. He looked up at me. “...Okay,” was all he said.
“Okay...?” I repeated.
“Okay. Okay. You can be with him. It’s okay.”
“I can be with him?” I breathed.
“Yes,” he smiled, “if it makes you happy. I have never seen you stand up to me. I’ve never heard you argue with me about something this this important. You’ve never disobeyed me, but now you have, and I can tell that it’s something you’re willing to fight for. And you’re right. You’re right, Emily. I think... you need this. You’ve been needed something worth fighting for.”
I wrapped my arms around his waist tightly. I laughed and hugged him for a long while. “I love you,” I said to him.
He smiled and laughed. It was funny, seeing him so defeated, but still okay with things. “I love you too, kid.”

~

“I’ve been waiting for a good day, I’ve been holding back long enough. I’ve been hurting to tell you some things…”

He quietly sang the word to himself, absent-mindedly tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. He stared intently at the road in front of him, watching as cars passed. I watched as he toyed with the small ring on his lip, pulling on it with his teeth, most likely not even knowing he was doing it. I stared at the profile of his face, his nose, his eyes, his lips. He glanced to the right and noticed I was looking at him. “What..?” he asked self consciously.
“Nothing,” I muttered, smiling.
“I can feel you staring at me.”
“I’m not staring.”
“You’re staring.”
“Okay, well what else am I supposed to look at?” I laughed.
“Look out the window.”
A yellow light shown in the distance and he began to slow the car to a stop. “Nope, I can’t look away.” He turned and faced me. “I can’t look away, you’re just too cute.”

I leaned over to the driver’s seat and smiled at him. I kissed him on the cheek and laughed. I trailed my lips along his jaw line and neck. He still faced the road, waiting for the light to change. I could feel him smile as I continued to place light little kisses all over. “Hey,” I whispered. He turned his head and looked at me. I pressed my lips to his, slowly kissing him.

“I’m trying to drive,” he muttered between kisses.
“It’s a red light, and there’s seems to be no one around.”

He kissed me harder, pulling me into his lap. I loud out a startled giggle. He started to kiss my neck in quick little pecks, making me giggle even more. “Matt! Stop it,” I yelled out playfully. I tried to think. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d felt like this. I don’t remember the last time I just felt.. Silly. Where I just messed around and giggled and felt crazy. When I really started to think of it, Jack hadn’t been himself at all lately either. But there I was, kissing him, giggling with him, smiling with him.

When he leaned in to kiss me again, I smile spread onto my face. “I love you,” I blurted out. As soon as I said it, I felt a strong sinking feeling in my stomach. I felt myself lose my breath, but at the same time, I felt like a weight had been lifted. I held my breath with anticipation, with fear. We hadn’t even been together four months. It was too soon. It was cliché, it was crazy. He pulled away from me and stared at me. He stared for a good ten seconds. I was too scared to say a word. He looked away from me awkwardly. My eyes fell, I knew I shouldn’t have said it. I began to feel horribly embarrassed and nauseous. I felt a headache coming on, like I could break down in tears right then and there.

He looked up at me with thoughtful eyes, and he let out the sweetest whisper I’d ever heard. “I love you too, Emily.”