Take It Slow, 'Cause I Can't Be on My Own

I laid on my bed with my eyes wide open, staring at the wings of my ceiling fan twirling quickly above me. I had been in bed all day, waiting for some kind of contact from the outside world. Preferably from Jack, Alex, or Matt. And just as I’d prayed for a phonecall for the 100th time that minute, one finally came.

“Hello?”
“Hey babe.” I breathed a sigh of relief with the sound of Matt’s soft voice.
“How’s California?”
“It’s alright. I’d rather be in Maryland.”
“Oh whatever,” I laughed. “When is your first show again?”
“Tomorrow night at 7.”
“God I wish I could be there.”
“Me too, babe, me too.”

We sat on opposite sides of the country, phones held to our ears, not saying a word.

“I don’t know what to say, except that I miss you already.”
“I know. Exactly. I just realized that this is going to be harder than I thought it.

I heard a muffled voice in the background and Matt sighed quickly. “Fuck. Em, I guess I have to go. We’re going to go meet with some guy about some thing. I don’t know when I’ll be able to call you again, I’ll try to tomorrow night after the show.”
“Okay. Just, don’t worry about me. Think about how great this is and have fun.”
“I think that will be impossible. You’re always on my mind. I’ll talk to you soon. I love you.”
“I love you too, Matt.”
“Bye.” He said quickly, hanging up the phone.
“Bye...” I whispered into the dead reciever.

I clasped the phone in my hand and closed my eyes, feeling worse than ever, and this was just the very beginning.

~

One day later.

All day at school, I trudged through the halls, barely there, just waiting, waiting, waiting. For anything. When I got home, I stared at the television blankly. For the first time in so long I felt not, depressed, but bored. I realized how dependent I was on just a few people. My eyes glanced at the clock every ten seconds it seemed, waiting for 7 o’clock. My eyes felt heavy as they were fixated upon the screen and I was moments away from slumber when my phone rang. I looked at the time, it was 6:45. The call was from Alex. I clicked okay and held the phone to my ear.

“Emily?” Alex immediately sounded panicked with just one word.
“Alex, what’s the matter? Are you okay?”
“N-no... I don’t know, I...”
“What’s going on?”
“We go on in five minutes and I.. fuck, I can’t do it.”
“What are you talking about? Of course you can.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I... I don’t know. I’m nervous. I’m nervous as hell. I don’t think I can do this.”
“Alex, listen to me... you are going to be great. You’re just getting nerves, it’s your first show, it’s expected. You’re going to get out there and you’re going to hear yourself and I know you’ll feel it, you’ll feel what you’ve always wanted to feel. This worry will slip away, I know it will.”
“What if I fuck up?”
“So you fuck up. You only have a zillion other tour dates to not fuck up on. Okay? Stop worrying, get off the phone, and go do this. You’ve been waiting for years. Go and live out your dream.”

I heard him sigh and he was silent.

“I know I’d be okay if you were here. I’m starting to regret this whole situation.”
“Alex. Just stop. I swear I’m getting mad over here. You go across the country for months, leaving me behind, and you say you regret it after not only two days? You don’t regret things. Just please go. Call me after the show and tell me all about how wonderful it was.”
“Thank you.”
“Of course. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Aren’t you going to wish me luck?”
“You don’t need it.”

Alex’s POV.

I shoved my phone in the back pocket of my jeans, tapping my foot rapidly against the floor. I sighed heavily, releasing the tension that consumed me. I saw Matt peak through the backstage door, nodding at me and waving his hand to come forward. It was time. As I practically ran up the stairs with such adrenaline, it all felt so cliche. I saw Jack follow me and then Zack and Rian. As soon as the door opened and I saw that stage, a wave came over me. Something like I had never experienced. I threw the guitar strap over my shoulder and gripped the microphone with my hand. It was a surge of adrenaline that made you feel like you could do anything. Goosebumps raised over my arm and my neck felt cold with a nervous sweat of anticipation. In unison, our instruments striked up and sound that we had rehearsed so vigorously actually came to life.

As I separated my lips to sing, my heart felt heavy knowing that Emily couldn’t be here. But I took a deep breath and began to sing with everything that was in me as if she were. And exactly as she had predicted, my nerves disintegrated. After dreaming for so long, the dream was a reality. A reality that I was grasping so violently on that stage, opening my eyes to see even a relatively small crowd, I felt at ease with a new sense of power. As my lungs strained for breath and melodic perfection, I felt more at home than I had ever been.