Take It Slow, 'Cause I Can't Be on My Own

It was four AM, I walked downstairs to grab a bottled water from the fridge. There was only one light on, it dimly lit the room just enough for me to see my father sitting on the loveseat. He was wearing boxers and a nice shirt from work, it was unbuttoned, showing his white t-shirt underneath. He had a bottle of whiskey sitting on the coffee table and an empty glass in his hands. His eyes were red like he’d been crying, or maybe just from lack of sleep. I could tell that they were glazed over and blood shoot, it wasn’t an uncommon thing.

“Dad? What are you doing down here?”

He looked over at me, giving me a plain glance, not saying a word.

“Come upstairs and go to sleep, Dad.”

I walked over to the table and grabbed the whiskey bottle, screwing on the cap. I reached for the empty glass in his hands, but he pulled away violently. “I’m not going anywhere.” His voice was cold and sharp, and I knew I should just leave it alone. Tonight, he was a lost cause, much like other nights. He’d been drinking for hours and would never see reason. I was almost out the door when I heard him speak.

“Before she got pregnant…” he began, his throat scratchy and hoarse, “she was the most care-free woman I’d ever met. We never wanted kids. I never wanted to be a business man. We didn’t want things to be like this…”

“Dad…”

“…that day, if you goddamn kids wouldn’t have been so fucking selfish, she would have never gotten into that car. You just had to make her go get you guys pizza. You couldn’t fucking make your own food. So she got in that car… and well,” he paused, “it was your fault.”

I felt tears creep from my eyes, my mouth gaping open, speechless.

“She was so warm, loving, giving… but you just took and took and took. You little shits. You took the life right out of her. And you didn’t even fucking say goodbye to your own mother,” he looked me right in the eye, “why did you make her go get you pizza? You couldn’t fucking make yourself some food?!”

“D-dad,” I stammered, “I was seven. Jack was ten.. It wasn’t our fault…” Tears were flooding from my eyes now and dripping down my chin, onto my neck.

He stood up, throwing his glass to the cement ground. It shattered around his bare feet. He looked at me calmly, and I could see such pain in his eyes. Then he suddenly flipped the coffee table to the side, shattering the glass bottle and the glass of the table. He came at me before I could even turn to run. He grabbed my arms and slammed me into the wall. My back hit the back of the door hard, and I could feel where there would be bruises. “You did this,” he hissed. His breath smelled heavily of liquor, he was only inches from my face. “You did this!” He screamed, forcing me to the ground. I couldn’t move, or even scream, I just cried silently as he yelled. I tried to block it out, but I felt like I couldn’t blink. I froze.

I saw Jack from behind my dad’s figure, he was only fourteen but he used all his strength to push my dad out of the way. He tugged at my arm, helping me up. He helped me upstairs, into my bedroom. We sat down on the bed together, and he enveloped me in his arms. He lightly rubbed my back, and pain seared threw me. He looked at me, and I’ve never seen my brother look so sincere. I could tell he was near tears.

“Emily.. It was not your fault. It was not. Your. Fault.” He spoke so gently, and his words were so heartfelt and honest. “She loved you, you know that.” He pulled me into his arms again. All I could do was just cry into his chest. “I love you. I will always protect you, Emily. Always. I will never let anyone hurt you again. Ever.” He looked at me, his dark brown eyes were so soft. “I promise.”

“Hey, are you ready to go?” Jack called from outside my door.
“Five minutes!” I called back. I grabbed my school bag and shoved my Geometry book inside, running down the stairs and out to Jack’s car.

The car ride to school was not usually quiet. Jack and I were obviously not the bickering siblings which is so common with such an age difference. He was very involved in my life, I told him everything that was going on with my friends and with school, he helped me with homework almost every night, and he took me to school almost every morning. I didn’t know what was wrong today.

“Is something wrong?”
“No… I’m fine, just tired. I didn’t sleep well last night.”
“Neither did I,” I added.
“I uh, I didn’t know you were friends with Matt.”
“I’m not really. He just eats lunch with me, sometimes.”
He looked over at me skeptically. “Because of Alex.”
“He’s way too old for you, you know.”
“Okay, calm down. All I said is I eat lunch with him. Why do you think that I would.. Like him, or, whatever…”
We were at a red light, he looked over at me, confused.
“I mean.. I know he’s too old for me, and it’s not like he would like me. We’re like, four years apart. And I mean.. he’s your best friend.. And..” I was rambling.

He pulled up to the Dulaney High student parking lot.

“…Whatever. I’m not saying stay away from him, I’m just saying don’t get too..”
“Too what?”
“Don’t be a girl about it.” He shrugged.
“When am I ever a girl about it?”

He laughed and leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “Love you. Be careful. Seriously, Emily!”
“Don’t be a big-brother about it,” I joked and shut the door before he could say anything else.

~

Usually I met up with Alex at my locker after the third period bell. I waited until the one minute warning bell went off. It I didn’t go now, I’d be late. I took out my phone. No new messages. I was curious but I figured he was just at home, asleep. Maybe he’d come later. But after I bought a muffin and a water and sat down, he still didn’t show up. I ate lunch alone for ten minutes with my phone in hand, waiting for a text message. I had just opened up my phone to text him when Matt slammed his tray onto the table. “Do you have to do that?” I mumbled, typing in Alex’s number into my phone.

“Where’s Alex?” I asked eagerly.
“I don’t know. Why?”
“Why what? I want to see him.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean why?”
“I mean, do you like him?” He didn’t look at me when he said this.
I scoffed and took a bite out of my muffin. “No. Ew.”
“So you’re.. just friends?” He seemed nervous.
“Not just friends. Best friends. He’s like my brother.”
“But Jack is your brother,” he questioned.
“And so is Alex.”

My phone vibrated ferociously on the table before I picked it up.
‘Alex Gaskarth’.

“Hello? Where the fuck are you?”
He laughed, “well, I’m kinda busy..” I heard a girl whining in the background.
“Uhm.. Okay.. You disgust me. But.. Are you coming to school?”
“No.. no, I think I’m gonna be wrapped up for a few hours.”
“Shut up. Why did you call?”
“Well you’re so scary right now I don’t really want to talk anymore.”
“You called to talk?”
“Well, no. I thought you’d be wondering where I was. I called just to tell you that I love you, to enjoy your lunch alone with Matt, and that I’m gonna pick you up today.” *Click.*

Matt smiled at me. “What’d he say?”
“Stuff.” I grunted, taking another bite of my muffin.

I didn’t want to be at this table with Matt, with nowhere to go. I didn’t even know why he was sitting here when Alex was gone. “Don’t you have friends you can sit with?”
“Yes, but I like it here.”

Once again, that breathless feeling. I figured my best option right now was to ignore my butterflies, and just try and say as little as possible. I could feel him staring at me even when I looked away. I could see his brown, gelled hair and his black t shirt out of the corner of my eye. He hadn’t shaved this morning, so he had a little prickly stubble. When he smiled, I could see the fluorescent cafeteria lights reflecting off his lip ring, making the silver glisten. I heard him let out a breathless laugh.

“What’s funny?” Cool, calm, collected.
“Why do you have to be like that?” He joked.
“You ask too many dumb questions."
“Alright, well how's this; Can I take you out tonight, Emily?” The words rolled off his tongue so smoothly. He was irresistible. I think that was his plan. He was cocky. Very cocky. He knew it, too.

He had a little wry smirk on his lips, his eyes dancing all over my face; I could practically feel him picking out each flaw and imperfection. My face felt hot, I could feel my hands sweat, but I didn’t break eye contact. My pale face must have been bright red. And for once, I let myself match his smiling face. And somewhere from inside me, I found the strength to let out a meek ‘yes’. I’d completely forgotten about every single thing Jack said in the car that morning. I’d completely forgotten I had only met Matt one month earlier, and that he was 18 and I was 15. I completely forgot about everything, I just let go, and for once, I just said yes.