Take It Slow, 'Cause I Can't Be on My Own

Soon we had found ourselves in an empty room, dimly lit by just one lamp. We were floors above the rest, but we could still hear the faint beating of music. Alex’s face had been lit up by excitement and a wave of newly found energy the entire night. For a second, both myself and Alex had to think to remember how we’d ended up here. Miles and miles away from home, we were rebellious and ready for any adventure the city handed us. Alex’s hand slipped from mine as he walked around the small apartment-like room. I opened the sheer curtains draping over the windows; the room had been bathed in streetlights and lit up billboards, cars zoomed by and spotlights sparkled all over the building. Shadows formed in every available space. I turned around, pleasantly surprised by a sweet sound coming from behind me. Alex had found a stereo system and was playing with the dials. A soft song that I had never heard filled the room.

“Emily,” Alex said in an excited whisper. I looked up at him and he smiled back down at me. He was giving me a look like I had never seen; he was trance-like, or maybe it was just the alcohol, I couldn’t be sure. He leaned down and kissed me, much more soft and gentle than before. At first I didn’t react, kiss back, move, anything. He barely pulled away, his breath was warm on my lips. My eyes were closed but I could feel him smiling. “Emily,” he whispered again, “look at me.”

I looked over at my lit up phone, Matt was calling me. I decided that ignoring the call would not make things any better. I had no idea if he was upset about the other morning, I should have never left that way. I sighed and pressed the green button that was pulsating.

“Emily,” he breathed.
“Hey, Matt.” My face fell as I heard his hurt tone.
“I really want to.. I don’t know, just.. Talk?”
“Ok-kay,” I stammered, “so talk.”
He took a long pause, “did I… do something the other night?”

I had no idea if I could ever explain to him the memories that had been relived, that ones I tried to see past every day. I don’t think telling him would be the right time. It would never be the right time, but not now. Not so soon.

“No, no… Matt. I.. I was just very agitated. I shouldn’t have been so cold to you.”
“Are you sure I didn’t do anything? I really like you, I’ve told you that.. And if I’m doing something, I just want you to be open with me.”
My stomach flipped. “You didn’t do a single thing to upset me, babe.”

It was the first time I’d used such affectionate words. I hoped he could sense the smile in my words and just let things go.

I heard him laugh quietly into the receiver. “Can I see you today?”
“Of course you can.”
“Okay,” his tone had changed significantly, “twenty minutes?”

I stared in the mirror, playing with my unwashed hair and bare face. I scrunched up my face, “uh, yeah. Twenty minutes would be great.”

Just as I got ready to change out of my pajamas, Alex walked into my room with no knock.

“I can’t hang out, I’m meeting Matt in a few minutes.”
“OooooOOooo,” he taunted, making kissey faces at me.
“Shut up. We’re… I don’t know right now.”
“What? Trouble in paradise?”
“Something like that.”
He looked sympathetic, “no really, Emily. What’s up?”
I let out a long sigh. “I don’t want to tell him.”
“Tell him what?”
“I mean.. I figure it’s a vital part of a relationship.. To know those things. But we aren’t even dating, we aren’t in a relationship at all. So why should I tell him?”
“Tell him what?”
“I’m pretty sure he’s figured out by now that there’s shit between us. You and me, I mean.”
“Oh…”

I sat down on the bed next to him. “I’m not going to tell him. Right? I’m not. I figure he doesn’t want to hear about every guy I’ve slept with, and I don’t want to hear the same from him.”
“Or you mean, the only guy you’ve slept with.”
I sighed. “Same difference.”
“I think he’ll be pissed when you two are madly in love with each other and he finds out you had sex with his best friend.”
I scrunched up my face. “Nah,” I laughed sarcastically. “I’m over-thinking things. Or, I want to say I am. It’s just. I don’t know.”
“Just go with your gut, baby girl.” He messed up my already unruly hair and stepped out of the room.

~

Just a few minutes later, Matt was at my house. We went up into my room and sat on my bed. Right when we sat down, he leaned over and kissed me softly. I couldn’t help but smile. “I want to talk. About us.” He said to me.

“Matt, I already told you. I’m not upset with you,” I reassured him.
“No. Not about that. I mean, really, what are we?”
“What do you mean..?” I paused. “Oh. I.. uh. Well. What do you want us to be..?”
He looked at me softly and grabbed my hand. “I want you to be my girlfriend.”
I felt myself blush and butterflies filled me. “Okay, so I’m you’re girlfriend then,” I laughed.
“And you don’t want to see anyone but me..?” He laughed nervously.
“Of course not. But I wasn’t sure about you.”
“Who else would I want to see?” He grinned at me.
“Um, every other girl in Baltimore?”
He shook his head and gripped my hand tighter. “No. I only want you.”

3 weeks later.

I laid in Matt's bed with my eyes closed as I let the music from his stereo wash over me. His bed was perfectly made but I crawled under the comforter and wrapped myself in it. His pillow smelled just like him, it was clean, sexy, ...comforting. I heard him come into the room and I opened my eyes. He had such an adoring smile on his face, it gave me butterflies. He walked over to the bed and pulled the covers off of me.

“Where’d you go?” I asked him curiously.
He sat next to me on the bed and leaned over me. He kissed me gently on the lips. “It’s a surprise.”
“For me?” I asked excitedly.“For you.” He kissed me one more time and lightly touched my forehead, smoothing down my hair. He pulled me out of the bed and looked at me. I wore my black pumps and a black formfitting dress. The little black dress, perfect for every occasion. “You look amazing,” Matt sighed. He was wearing a black t-shirt and cargo shorts. I had begun to accept that I would always be over dressed compared to him.

He put his hands over my eyes and guided me down the stairs. I had been in his house so much recently that I knew I was in in his kitchen, even when I couldn’t see. When he finally brought down his hands, I saw that a candle-lit dinner had been set up for us. I laughed, “you actually cooked this?” I was astonished. “Fuck that,” he laughed, “my mom did it.” He grinned at me. He pulled out the chair for me and I sat down. There was a heaping plate of spaghetti steaming in front of me The room was dimly lit but the candles added a perfect glow around us. Before he sat down, he went to the kitchen and grabbed two wine glasses. He sat one down in front of me and filled it with red wine. “Your mom got us wine?” He smiled, “nah, that was me.”

“You know,” I said as I took a bite of my spaghetti, “this is incredibly cliche.”
“What can I say? I’m a romantic,” he said through a stuffed mouth; I could barely understand him. A spot of sauce was still dribbled on his lip. I leaned over the table and wiped it off. “Yeah babe, very romantic.”

While the candle-lit dinner was very cliche, Matt was not. Any other guy would have tried to make romantic conversation or try to impress me. But Matt wasn’t like that in the least; he talked to me like a friend would. We shared stories about our day and we joked and teased each other.
A while later our dinner was rudely interrupted by a constant ringing of the doorbell. Matt rolled his eyes and got up to see who it was. As soon as the door opened, I could hear Alex shouting about something. He walked into the kitchen and was very surprised to see me.

“Emily?”
“Get out,” I said to him.
“Oh damn, got guys got wine?” He walked over to the table and grabbed the bottle of wine.
“Alex!” I said, louder this time. “Get out!” I gave him a serious look but he still didn’t move.
“Can I talk to you for a second, Emily?” Alex asked me.
“Okay, Alex, I am clearly trying to enjoy dinner with Matt. So please leave.”
“It’ll just be a second.”

I sighed and followed him into another room.

“Really Alex, what is it?”
“Where are you leaving here? I really wanna hang out.”
“Alex,” I said, annoyed. “Are you drunk? You’re being weird. I’m with Matt right now.”
“I had a few drinks, so what. Just ditch him and let’s go.”
“Alex, just go home. I’ll call you later.”
“I’ll call Jack. I’ll do it right now. I’ll tell him.”“No, you won’t. Now please Alex, you’re acting like a child. Just let me have a nice night alone with my boyfriend.”

I lead him towards the door and placed his keys in the palm of his hands.
“Okay, whatever. Just don’t do anything that I wouldn’t do,” he joked.
“So, that rules out, like, nothing?”“No. I don’t have sex with men. That I don’t do. And I especially do not have sex with men named Jimmy Flyzik!” I pushed him out of Matt’s front door, and locked it before he could say another word.

After a few more glasses of wine, we were much more comfortable than before. We weren’t drunk, but we’d had just enough to make us.. experimental. Enough for boundaries to disappear. He laid on his bed and I sat on his lap. I kissed him hard on the lips through giggles and slid off his shirt. I crawled onto him, sitting on his legs, playfully kissing his neck and chest. I didn’t want to wait any more, I couldn’t hold back another second longer. I felt his hand glide over the bare skin of my thigh. I kicked my shoes off and they fell to the floor with a thud. I felt light, weightless. He smiled at me as I toyed with his belt, struggling to get it off. I could already feel him getting hard beneath me. His hands felt my hips, my waist, skimming over her breasts and placing a light hand below my ear. I smiled up at him and bit my lip before I went down on him. His fingers twirled through my hair, giving a slight tug. His breathing quickened as a low sigh escaped his lips, giving me all the confidence I needed. Moans slipped from his mouth, finding just enough breath to say my name, making such a perfect sound. He smiled at me and laughed as I gave him the release he’d been patiently waiting for.

He grabbed my waist and rolled me onto my back. Somehow he positioned himself perfectly above me, hardly placing any weight on me. I took in a deep breath as he kissed my jawline, my neck, my collarbone. I felt his leg brush up against my inner thigh as his finger lightly slipped a strap from my shoulder. He tenderly kissed my shoulder and my breast, one hand playing with my hair and the other playing with the hem of my dress. His hands slipped just a bit higher, I let out a sharp moan. Just as the other strap of my dress began to fall, Matt stopped everything he was doing completely. He was completely still.

“What..? Matt? What are you doing?”

The second I finished my sentence, Matt’s bedroom door opened. I looked over and saw Jack, my older brother, my confidant, my everything, standing right in the doorway.