September

“I’ll have the blueberry pancakes short stack,” I said flatly, staring at the menu. I looked up indiscriminately at the waitress and then handed her the menu. She took it with wary eyes and walked away. I looked from her to Andrew, who was presently the only one I was with.

When I’d woken up, the only other person in the room was Andrew and he insisted upon taking me to breakfast. I’d told him no so many times that my brain was still trying to process how exactly I ended up here.

“Are you okay?” he asked quietly and I scoffed.

“Oh, I’m just dandy Andrew. How the fuck are you?” I spat. No remorse bubbled in my stomach like it used to. I was gone, changed. Or maybe not, maybe I was just back.

He pursed his lips and shook his head, mumbling indistinctly under his breath. I said nothing, just sat with my eyes fixed on the wall above his head. This was dumb. We should be driving and leaving.

How many times had I considered getting on a plane and going home? How many times during the night had I felt myself breaking?

Once I woke up, I knew the truth; I wasn’t breaking, I was just building the walls back up. It hurt so much because I didn’t want to build them. It was obvious that I was back and better than ever. Andrew looked desperate to drag any type of emotion out of me.

“Are you really gonna let him do this to you?” he asked, his eyes hard. I thought about it for a moment and then shrugged.

“This isn’t what he did to me. This is me fixing what he did to me when he forced me to fall for him,” I answered, taking a sip of my orange juice. The explanation was simple, and not one he wanted to hear.

“This is my fault. Don’t go back to how you were.”

I cocked my head. He looked genuinely remorseful. It wasn’t his fault at all. Well, maybe in a broad, general sense it was. But if we were counting that, it was Mallory’s dumb ass boyfriend’s fault or Cora’s for even suggesting this road trip three years ago.

“No. It’s my fault,” I said softly, “I should have known better. I taught myself a long time ago not to let anyone in and I went against my own laws, I’m the one to blame here. Not him. Not you. Not Cora. Me.”

He shook his head, eyes sad, and put on a grim smile. He was unbelievably perceptional, which is why he’d been the one to bring me to breakfast in the first place, I realized. He saw and understood me even when Cora couldn’t. It might be a strange relationship, but I was thankful for the understanding in his eyes.

“You’re incredibly tough Reagan but you scared the shit out of me last night. You were catatonic and in shock,” he said softly, bringing up one of the worst nights of my life. I looked out the window.

“Yeah, well, we all have feelings that get hurt sometimes, even stone cold Reagan Harris,” I said stiffly.

“I’m not saying this to make you feel bad Rae. You were curled up fetal position shaking with silent cries and when you finally did fall asleep, you kept saying his name, screaming it. It was actually really heartbreaking.”

That was news to me. When I was very little I would talk in my sleep, but that was before I even knew Cora and I couldn’t even remember a time before my best friend. To hear that I had been screaming out that asshole’s name brought chills to my spine.

“What did he do?” I asked, slightly interested. Andrew shifted in his seat and looked down at the table. I didn’t know what to think of that body language, but I still wanted the answer.

“At first he acted like he didn’t hear it. Then you started kind of, saying it softly and lovingly, I guess,” he looked awkward at this part, “And he just got up and looked at you for a long time and then left again.”

I shrugged but even with my newly grown hardness I struggled to stamp down the hope building in my chest. Hope led to disappointment. It was fantastically interesting to me that this seemingly affected him. That emotion wouldn’t be shown again.

“You don’t care?” he prodded.

“I did for a split second, now I don’t.”

He accepted that as an answer and during a pause our food came. We ate in a comfortable, thoughtful silence though our thoughts were on two different things. I was thinking of how to survive this trip without committing a homicide; Andrew was thinking of how to fix me, if not for my sake then for his girlfriend’s.

While I hadn’t seen Cora since before my latest mental breakdown, I was sure she was skulking around Vegas with Brendan, driving him crazy. Of course, he did deserve the berating he was probably getting from her and would, unceasingly, get from her.

Though I knew she would torture him endlessly enough for the both of us, that still didn’t feed the big Revenge Monster clawing in my stomach. It also didn’t fill the small hole that was growing larger and larger in my heart, a void if you will, that had been closing at the promise of friendship back home.

“A penny for your thoughts,” Andrew said, quietly but loud enough to startle me. I looked up at him and finished chewing slowly, at my own pace.

“My thoughts are worth more than a penny.”

The cynical, almost sadistic, pleasure I got from saying this line reminded me much of my old self. Whether her reappearance made me happy or not was yet to be determined. By the grim line on Andrew’s face where his usual pink lips were, I figured he didn’t like it.

“Alright, if we’re playing like that now.”

I grinned at him and shook my head, shoving more pancake into my mouth. He shook his head at me in return, not smiling, and started typing into his phone at an exorbitant rate. I shrugged it off and continued to eat, trying to stop my train of thought.

I was tired of my mind running rampant about Brendan, trying to remember a time when I thought he genuinely liked. I was really trying to remember how it felt when he kissed me and held onto me at night and the way his smile would curve up when I would make a grab for his hand. Tears pricked the back of my eyes and I dropped my head into my hands, willing them to go before they came.

It was no use though, because once the thoughts started, I couldn’t stop them and suddenly I was remembering how his hair looked in the sun and the sound of his laugh when I made a joke. I felt Andrew’s hand on my back, rubbing soothing circles.

There was some difference between the last time I’d been like this; Now I actually had memories to come back to and they hurt.

“I don’t need you to console me Andrew,” I spat pathetically, “It’s not like he’s dead or anything. Unfortunately.”

He snorted, however, and leaned back, realizing that my tears were nearly gone anyway. We sat for a few minutes before I looked over at him. He was sitting there, politely gazing at me.

“Can we just go back to the room now?” I asked, a miserable undertone to my voice. I kind of just wanted to sleep these weird feelings off and then go back to being bitter. He bit his lip.

“Um, Brendan and Cora are back there now. We’re supposed to go shopping now,” he said truthfully. I rolled my eyes. They really had filled time slots in which pairs were allowed to go back to the room.

“It’s not like I’m never gonna see him again anyway Drew. Besides, the rest of my money’s in the room.”

This was a complete lie, my money was all in the bag sitting right next to me. I figured if we went back and I crashed on one of the beds without making a big deal, he’d let me sleep. He bit his lip nervously again and I smiled.

“Alright, we can go back then.”

We paid this time and left for the short walk back to Caesars Palace. I glanced around in awe, though I still didn’t feel as light hearted as I had in the car last night. Then again, that was back before I knew the truth about Brendan Mills.

We talked mostly about what we were doing tonight, which was seeing some show apparently. Andrew had sworn up and down that he and Cora didn’t mind leaving town early to which I put my foot down completely.

I’d let them shepherd me around town and say nice, cute things to me but I wouldn’t let them ruin this trip for my sake. Not for anyone’s sake.

I was thankful to get into the cool air of the nice fountain and decided to trick my mom into believing I was happy by snapping a picture of the fountain and texting it to her. Once we hit the floor we were staying I got a happy, horribly spelled text back from her.

“What are you two doing back here? This is our time to be in the room!” Cora whisper-yells at us as soon as we walk in. I walk in front of Andrew and answer for him.

“Relax warden,” I drop my bag on the bed and take the laptop from the table, “I can handle being in the same room as that kid.”

That kid, who I so casually referred to, is obviously in the bathroom or elsewhere depending. It’s obvious that housekeeping came in, as the beds are made, and I sit toward the top of the bed, tucking my legs underneath my body and turning the laptop on.

Cora looks unbelievably from me to Andrew, and looks at him with wide, questioning eyes. He just raises his hands as if questioning God himself, and then shrugs.

“She’s Reagan,” is his explanation.

“Exactly,” I agree.

Cora seems to take this and settles back into the armchair, her eyes refocusing on the TV. Andrew sits on the foot of the bed I’m sitting on and I let myself study the two before checking some of my favorite websites.

Lastly, I check Facebook and there are quite a few notifications. Most are from Mallory, exclaiming at the cool stuff and lamenting about not being able to come. There are a few new comments on the picture of Brendan and I kissing.

When I click on that, I automatically avert my eyes and scroll down. If thinking about it was enough to set me off, I don’t know what seeing it would do. I glance at the comments. There’s three new ones underneath the original, one from Brendan’s ex-girlfriend Julie, one from Leah, and one from Brendan himself. As it read:

Leah Harrison- “Are you two dating?”

Julie Obregon- “Wait, but are you?”

Brendan Mills- “No, we’re nothing.”

Leah Harrison- “Good.”

My heart started to pound as adrenaline raced through my veins. This wasn’t news to me, I already knew we’d been nothing. What bothered me was just how public this humiliation was. What bothered me even more were the amount of likes on his and Leah’s final comments.

I thought high school drama ended with high school. I guess not. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if I should cry, or throw up, or hit something, or scream. I wanted to throw the laptop away from me and just jump off the balcony.

What really bothered me was the fact that this comment had been written yesterday morning, at the ripe time of noon. Yesterday at noon was probably around the time we were all getting dressed to go to the cemetery. The raw truth hit me so hard that it felt like I’d been hit by a train.

It wasn’t my fault Brendan decided to walk out of the bathroom at that exact moment.

“You son of a bitch!” I shrieked, launching myself onto him. Andrew and Cora didn’t have a moments notice before I was on top of him, hitting every inch of him that I could.

He spun around, trying to get me off, yelling at me, though my yells were louder. I pulled his hair as Andrew pried me off, taking him backwards with me. I kicked him in the back and then stomach as he tried to twist free.

“You’re a liar, and a dumb fucking shit! You’re a fucking liar! I can’t even believe you!” I screeched as Andrew successfully dragged me off of him and held me tightly by my waist.

Brendan Mills stood there, clutching his stomach, his nose bleeding ever so slightly, looking broken.

“Do you think I’m fucking dumb? Did you think I wouldn’t put two and two together and get four? I fucking hate you so much! You’re worried about what other people think now? Fuck you!”

“Wait, what the fuck is going on here?” Cora screamed, standing between me and Brendan. She looked on the verge of tears and complete rage, which wasn’t Cora at all, and actually calmed me down a wee bit.

“Oh, Ms. Brilliance over here,” Brendan spat out miserably, sinking to the floor and leaning on the armchair, “Why don’t you gloat some more on how you figured some dumb shit out?”

Andrew shoved me away from him gently and let me stand on my own, deeming me safe enough. I stood in the middle of them, still really pissed off and very angry.

“Leah and Julie commented on that picture of us kissing which someone put on Facebook and this dipshit over here got worried about what people would think because, after all, I am the infamously cold Reagan Harris and this dipshit said all that dumb shit because he doesn’t want to worry about anyone judging him.”

“Yeah, well, Ms. Brilliance, that isn’t it at all if you’d care for me to explain,” he spat, looking up and holding his nose. “Can I get a fucking tissue? I just got the shit beat out of me.”

I snorted and felt my chest puff out with pride, though looking at him still hurt just a little bit. Cora darted into the bathroom and came back with some toilet paper. She shoved it in his face and he took it, holding it up to his nose.

“While you have the basics, you don’t know Leah Harrison at all okay? She called me and told me that Julie wanted to take me back and that this wasn’t helping things out. So I just said that stuff on Facebook.

“But I couldn’t just tell you guys, ‘Oh, well Julie wants me back so I need to stop this’ so I figured I could just make some shit up. But you were never supposed to hear all that Rae because I didn’t mean any of it. You’re not cold, you’re wonderful. You’re just fucking great.

“It turns out Julie didn’t even want me back. Her comment was just being all happy for me, since everyone knows I never properly moved on from her. Rae, I just, I don’t even know what to say to you. I should probably start with an apology.”

I stood there, numb. If he wasn’t so dumb to keep speaking, I probably would have forgiven him. If I’d thought he was just slightly harassed enough by the general public, I would have forgiven him. He had outright chosen her over me, even if it was a fluke.

While that didn’t hurt as much as what I’d heard last night, it hurt in a different way. It hurt on a much more personal level, as if I hadn’t been good enough. He wasn’t getting away with shit.

“So basically, what you’re saying, is that you didn’t mean any of what you said last night?” I asked. Cora and Andrew were assessing carefully, watching and analyzing what was actually happening.

“None of that was true. You’re a beautiful person all the time, even if you are rough around the edges. I care for you a lot more than you know,” he said. It sounded sincere enough, but like I’d said, Revenge Monster was clawing in my stomach.

“Yeah, I’m sure you care about me a whole fucking lot.”

“Reagan, please,” he said softly, “Let me apologize.”

“For what? For calling me a bitch and a rock last night? For humiliating me in front of everyone on Facebook? Or for basically using me this entire trip?”

“When have I ever used you?” he accused, his ego obviously hurting. I snorted and rolled my eyes ruthlessly, Revenge Monster mewing happily.

“This whole fucking trip Bren, are you serious? Oh, what, I’m good enough for now but as soon as someone else comes along, I’m as good as trash in the street for you? That’s not how I work.”

He knew I got him there, and there was no way he could deny it. Instead he glanced between Cora and Andrew helplessly before putting a sheepish look on his face. My stomach bubbled with anger and frustration.

“I’m sorry Reagan.”
“Yeah, so am I,” I said, walking over to him and kicking him swiftly and deftly in the balls. As he curled into fetal position, I slipped on my flip flops and grabbed my bag. “Don’t follow me. I’ll be back.”

I stalked down the hallway, down the elevator, and out of the hotel into the Nevada heat. I didn’t really know where I was going but I did have the valet ticket in my bag. I retrieved my car and drove down the strip, eventually finding a quieter place to shop for souvenirs. While I browsed shot glasses and cheap hats in a flea market type place, I couldn’t help but think about the scene in the hotel room.

It felt better than him not ever really wanting me but somehow, being second best didn’t sit right with me. While it didn’t hurt as bad as the previous thought, it still stung in an ego deflating way. I shook my head and bought my grandma another shot glass.

I stayed out the whole day, wandering the strip and then finding my way out to Boulder City. I spent the majority of the day at the Hoover Dam, spending the five dollars on another shot glass for my grandma. She liked to drink. When I had my fill of looking, I sat in the Alan Bible Botanical Garden, talking to a delightful old couple who were hilariously adorable.

Dorothy and Todd bickered over dates and names as they told me some of their stories. I obliged by telling them a little bit of mine, about college and the road trip. They were tickled pink to show me pictures of their grandchildren, and in an uncharacteristic old Reagan way, I was tickled pink to look at them.

I think at that time I realized how hard I’d been pushing my old personality at everyone, especially today. It was like denial or something, like I knew I’d changed and I was too scared to show it. Maybe it had taken Brendan killing me inside a few times for me to realize.

I said goodbye to Dorothy and Todd when Cora made a point that it was getting late. She tried to tempt me into seeing a Cirque du Soleil show with them but I was enjoying the alone time. I hadn’t been alone in a long time.

When I knew they were gone, I brought McDonald’s back up to the room. I sat on the bed and ate it, watching some drama movie I’d ordered off Pay-Per-View. I relaxed during it, trying to forget everything.

When the movie was over, I took a shower and took my time drying and straightening my hair. I brushed my teeth and smiled at the mirror, wondering where this feeling of calm came from. I knew I wasn’t ready to face any of them yet, and it was getting late.

I got my bags packed and together, leaving out pajamas for Cora. I crawled into bed, leaving a documentary on the History channel flashing across the screen. I wasn’t sleeping, just dozing, still replaying everything that happened in my minds eye.

They came in quietly about 45 minutes after I had laid down. They were whispering to each other to be quiet. I heard the TV volume go down and someone sit on the end of the bed. Cora whisper-yelled in triumph as she won shower privileges.

The weight on the bed shifted and I peeked my eyes open to see Andrew sitting in the armchair and Brendan standing, diagonally at the foot of the bed, looking down at me. I shut my eyes quickly.

“You really fucked up this time Mills,” Andrew said, his tone not giving away a side he’d chosen. I heard a heavy sigh.

“Yeah, I know. I can fix it,” Brendan replied. I felt a surge of rebellion run through me. There was no way he could fix it. If anything, my outlandish stubbornness would see me through this one.

“I don’t think there’s fixing it with Rae. She’s a one chance kind of girl and she gave you the biggest chance of all.”

My side. Andrew was clearly on my side. I was content knowing that but adrenaline ran through my veins as Brendan started speaking again.

“No, I can fix what I broke. She’ll forgive me. I’ll make sure she does,” he said. I wanted to snort at how determined he was. It was kind of cute. Instead, I rolled over and left them with a musing,

“Good luck.”