September

People didn’t know how to listen to other people. It was an epidemic how someone could say something and the other would just completely disregard it. Rules were meant to be broken, some said. I disagreed.

When I woke up, I was cuddled into Brendan’s chest.

That fuck couldn’t have stayed on his side of the bed even if he wanted to. It was not cute.

Generally, it seemed like it was my own fault. After all, it was my head resting on his chest and my arms wrapped tightly around his waist. Ugh, I felt pathetic.

Yet at the same time I felt completely blissful. The sun was streaming through a patch of open curtain and the gentle sound of Brendan’s breathing lulled me into a sense of security. I was comfortable and safe.

But at the same time I was uncomfortable and in danger.

I was complicating things, as usual.

However, instead of pushing myself out of his arms, blaming him, and yelling, I let myself rest there. His arms were wrapped tightly around me, keeping me pressed into him. I glanced up to see his peaceful face. My heart pounded as my eyes caught his lips.

I felt brave suddenly. I also felt this compelling, want. I was never brave like this. Hell, I never ever felt like this before. Fuck, that sounds so cliché. I bit my lip. I hated this damn indecision. Slowly, I shimmied up, leaning against my elbows and staring at the boy next to me.

One look at his gorgeous, sleeping face and I knew exactly what I wanted. Ever so slowly, and incredibly indecisively, I leaned down. I let my lips brush against his softly, just for a moment. For good measure, I kissed him one last time before settling back down next to him. I shut my eyes, trying to fall asleep again.

“Did you just kiss me?”

My eyes snapped open and I probably would have leaped seventy feet in the air had it not been for his arms tightening around me. He obviously knew about my flight tendencies. My body was stiff against his relaxed one and I was ready to die. Of what, I wasn’t sure, but some mix of embarrassment, horror, and shock. I got caught.

“No.” I felt his chuckle before I heard it.

“I’m pretty sure you did,” he mumbled, rolling onto his side and smothering me into his chest. He squeezed me tightly into him.

“I didn’t. I think you’re going crazy,” I said, though it came out muffled. I let my arms wind around his thin body, hugging him into me.

“I think you’re driving me crazy,” he said softly. My heart thumped so loudly in my chest that I was sure he could hear it. Was it always like this, so astonishingly easy to fall so extraordinarily fast? I tilted my head back and looked up at him. He kissed my forehead gently and I groaned.

“What is this?” I asked, “What am I doing?” I pushed him away from me and struggled to get out of his arms. This was not allowed. I was on my road trip. I was supposed to be having a carefree great time. Not fucking around like this.
Finally I freed myself from Brendan.

“I’m not leaving in a bitchy way Bren. I’m getting, uh, advice,” I said and leapt onto the bed next to us. Cora and Andrew were sleeping on opposite sides of the beds. It wasn’t my best friend I was going to though, it was her boyfriend.

It might seem really weird but Andrew and I would go out with each other to hang out. Sometimes we would get lunch, or we would go shopping. It all started when he and Cora started going out originally. Cora was nervous because she knew how I was with people so she suggested we hang out. Now we did it every once in a while to keep up.

Andrew was really great to talk to.

“Drew, get up,” I said, poking him. He rolled over and fluttered his eyes open. He panicked first and glanced at Cora, then at Brendan lying in bed with his hands on his face. Then he looked at me and rubbed his eyes.

“What’s goin’ on Rae?” he asked.

“I need your advice, sorta.”

He nodded and started rolling off the bed. He stumbled around sleepily, tossing on a shirt and searching for the pants he wore the day before. I felt bad that I had woken him up but I was so conflicted. He went into the bathroom. This was awkward.

I got dressed quickly, ignoring Brendan to the best of my abilities. I was intensely aware of him staring at me from underneath the arm he had haphazardly thrown over his eyes. I was ready to leave but I kept fucking around in my suitcase. Waiting for Andrew by the door would be even more awkward.

“This is awkward,” Andrew said. Speak of the devil. I snapped up to see him leaning on the bathroom door frame with a smirk on his face. “I can guess what this advice is about.”

I rolled my eyes and moved toward the door. Without a backwards glance, I stepped out of it and went straight outside. I was aware of Andrew following me, though he said nothing. The sun was bright, warming my skin nearly instantly. It was hot. I pulled my sunglasses out of my bag and shoved them over my eyes.

Andrew fell in step next to me as I walked toward the Starbucks I had been to the previous night. I wasn’t sure when exactly I was going to start talking, or how I was going to start telling him this. I never told anyone anything. But everything was changing this summer so I might as well go along for the ride.

“I don’t really know where to start,” I said truthfully. I glanced over at him.

“The beginning might be a good place,” he suggested. I sighed. His answer was so predictable. This whole summer was starting to become predictable.

“I guess the beginning is the day the trip started. Back in the good ol’ days when I hated Brendan and everything to do with him. Except I suppose I never really did hate him because now I think I like him. Yeah, I like him far too much for my own good.”

“Admitting your problem is the first step to recovery,” he said. I barked out a laugh. He really was too funny.

“I’ll say it’s a problem. Stone cold Reagan, going out and finding someone she wants to…” I cut myself off. I couldn’t continue because I couldn’t even begin to fathom what I wanted to do with Brendan. I shoved my hands into the shallow pockets of my shorts.

“It’s normal Rae,” he said softly, “To meet someone you want to care about, someone you want to be yours.”

I pushed the door to the franchised coffee shop open and welcomed the calming aroma that each chain offered me. I ignored Andrew’s last statement, though it settled horribly on my skin. I needed the relief of coffee. I ordered a blueberry muffin and a vanilla latte. Andrew chose to get nothing.

I sat at a table near the window, staring out at the busy street in front of me. Maybe waking up Andrew was a mistake. Maybe telling Cora to bring Andrew on this road trip was a mistake. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

“What if you choose the wrong person?” I asked quietly, staring down at my muffin. That was the question. I was never, ever sure of anything. This was something I needed to be very sure about. No doubt, I would be crushed if I let anything happen to myself. I was being too careless. Andrew was chuckling when I looked back up at him.

“What?” I asked.

“I can almost guarantee to you that Brendan is sitting in that hotel room pouring his heart out to Cora. He doesn’t know what to do either. You think he wants another Julie? They’re friends, yes, but Christ, you don’t know what that did to him.”

He seemed frustrated. I think he didn’t know how to explain himself correctly. His classic, Abercrombie good looks were an array of emotion. I took a sip of my coffee and stared out the window.

“You’re scared because you think you might get hurt. He’s been hurt and he’s trying so hard. He knows what you’re like and he’s trying not to move too fast but he can’t help his feelings and I’ll be damned if I see you hurt him the way she did. You need to have more confidence,” Andrew spat, though not unkindly.

“It’s not that simple,” I retaliated. It wasn’t either, I could never really just let go.

“It is that simple. You asked me for help and now I’m giving it to you. You’re question, essentially, is whether or not Brendan is a safe person to fall in love with. My answer is yes. I know you, you want a reason. The reason is that he won’t hurt you because he knows what it’s like, he won’t play you because he likes you rather a lot, and he won’t ever dare leave you because he’s been left.”

I sat there, somewhat stunned. Andrew was just, perfect at this. My heart was racing. If I was on board for this whole ‘change’ thing, then I could surely listen to this advice. Andrew wasn’t bullshitting, his face told me that. I still wasn’t completely sure, but I hadn’t been this sure in a long while.

“I-I…I just,” I stuttered.

Instead of completing my sentence I stood and dashed out of the shop. I ran down the street, weaving between angry people, towards my destination. It seemed a lot farther now that I was out of breath. I needed to workout more. When the place finally came in sight, I thought I might die on the sidewalk.

Instead of stopping, or even slowing, I dashed into the building and toward the stairs. The steps were enclosed in a cement tomb. It was actually relatively cool in here but I still climbed the stairs. I was sweating slightly and my breath was gone and my torso was on fire.

Finally, I slammed open the door to my hallway. It was dreary and very maroon. Ugh, horrible. The door to our room was locked, so I pounded my fist against the door. I was just trying to catch my breath. When the door was yanked open, I stumbled inside. I bent over, wheezing.

“B-Brendan. Oh, I, I,” I lost my voice trying to breathe.

“Catch your breath Rae,” he said, patting my back slowly. I sat on the loveseat we had occupied the night before. Cora was sitting on the edge of the bed, her legs curled up under her chin and her arms wrapped around them. She watched me calmly and curiously.

Brendan watched me with panic and worry. His anxiety was almost endearing. Almost. It was hard to have any real feelings when you’re coughing up your unfit lungs. I rested my head in my hands.

“Shit, I can’t run for shit.”

“Why were you even running in the first place?” Brendan asked. I let out a breath.

“Andrew knocked sense into my head and I realized that I needed to talk to you immediately,” I said, after catching the look on his face I added, “So immediately that I had to run.”

“Privately, I’m assuming. I’ll wait outside for Andrew,” Cora chimed in. I waited for her to cross the room and get out the door before I took in a deep breath. I felt nervous suddenly and wished that I couldn’t breathe again. At least then I wouldn’t have to say all the shit that I had to say now.

“I’ve decided that I don’t have to be afraid of the idea of you.” He looked confused to say the least. I took another deep breath as he sat down next to me.

“Like, oh God, I don’t get close to anyone, and if I do it takes me this extraordinarily long time,” I started, glancing around from his eyes to the corners of the room. “And even then, not many people get through to me. So when you came ‘round and started banging on the walls and they started to come down I just…”

“Panicked,” he finished.

“Exactly. God help me, I was scared. And then I just started feeling the way I do and it was fucking terrifying and-”

“How do you feel?” he asked. I met his eyes and they searched mine, as if the answer would be in them. I had trained myself well enough that emotions rarely showed themselves on my face, unless I wanted to.

“I don’t know. I’ve never felt like this before. I feel like I just want to protect you from the world and admire you openly and just, ugh, I don’t even know. This is too complicated,” I said, frustrated.

It was quiet for a long time, too long of a time. I was seriously starting to think that Andrew had been completely wrong. I was starting to scold myself for even putting myself out a little bit, for even giving someone the chance to hurt me when I heard him say it.

“I know how you feel,” he sighed.

“Why? You felt this way with Julie?” I asked bitterly. As soon as her name slipped out of my mouth I felt bad. There was no such thing as taking words back though, so I sat in silence, practically hearing his pain. Andrew hadn’t lied.

Brendan was good at covering up his feelings.

“No,” he said evenly, “Because I feel the same way with you.”

I smiled. It wasn’t one of those big ass cheesy smiles and it wasn’t a small smile. It was the perfect kind, the natural kind. I was so unbelievably happy. I wanted to shield myself from the happiness but instead I embraced it.

“Good, because I wouldn’t have it any other way,” I said nonchalantly. He chuckled and wrapped an arm around my waist, resting his head on my shoulder. I kissed the top of his head gently and wrapped my arm around his shoulder.

He pulled me into his lap and I giggled, which was very un-Reaganlike. I wasn’t changing myself for him, obviously, but that just slipped out. This was weird and I wanted to go incredibly slow. Like, snails could beat us in a race slow.

“Slowly Bren, really slowly,” I said, curling up in his chest.

“I know.”