Run Away With Me?

“I was lying on this bed, in a cell. The bed was painfully hard and…” I paused curl my fingers into a fist. “There weren’t any doors.”

I closed my eyes and saw everything as it happened in my nightmare.

“Alright, Alex,” Jack, my therapist, watched me as I curled my fingers into the leather bedding. His voice startled me and I reopened my eyes. He smiled warmly before waving his hand, signaling me to continue explaining. I watched him scribble down a few things on his notepad before I started again.

“But every now and then, somebody would come in and give me something to eat, so I wouldn’t starve,” I concentrated on making my breathing less struggled as a thin layer of sweat began to build up on my forehead.

“What did they feed you?” My therapist asked, startling me again. I looked up at him nervously before trying to calm myself so I could answer.

“Sometimes, it was as simple as a piece of bread, because they didn’t want me fat,” I waited, watching him scribble something else down on his notepad. “Or they would bring me a bottle of water and a small thing to wash myself,”

It was quiet for a minute and the silence was almost unbearable. It was almost deafening.

“What else was in this room?” I watched Jack as I answered.

“The only things there were,” Our eyes met and he held mine, almost lovingly. “the bed where I slept, a small metal tub – that was completely rounded; no sharp edges at all – and me,” I swallowed hard as my eyes remained with Jack’s.

He didn’t write anything down this time, just waited for me to continue.

“Do you know why you were in that room?” Jack asked, his voice cutting through the silence, and that’s when I realized I was holding my breath.

“No,” I sighed, closing my eyes and breaking our eye contact. “But then, one day, somebody came in and told me something,”

“What did they tell you?” Jack asked and my eyes remained closed.

I thought about the question while I chewed on my lip.

“I don’t remember,” My voice was almost at a whisper. “I…”

“Just think about it for a second,” Jack insisted.

“I…I can’t,” I said painfully through clenched teeth as fists formed at my sides. “I…”

“Just think,”

My eyes squeezed closed, tighter than they already were, and I could feel my body aching. Bead of sweat rolled over my eyelids and I let out a shaky breath.

“Alex…?” Jack asked, causing me to break.

I let out a loud cry, rolling on my side and curling into a ball. My teeth sunk into my quivering lip and a few tears rolled down my cheeks as I opened them. I breathed unevenly.

“They told me that my brother killed himself,” I uttered, biting down on my lip again. “And my mother ran away,”

“What about-“

“Because my father beat her,” I whined, tasting the crisp blood on my lip. “Then they told me that I…I was stuck in that room for the rest of my life because,” I paused, groaning in pain. This all hurt too much to talk about.

“It’s okay,” Jack mumbled and I looked up at the wall. My vision was blurred with tears.

“I had already been there for three years,” I breathed, rolling back onto my back and placing my hands on my chest.

“Three?”

I nodded.

“Then a doctor came in and asked me about my childhood,” I closed my eyes again. “And one day, he took me out of my cell and took me for a walk in the hallway.”

I opened my eyes briefly to see Jack scribble something down on his notepad.

“And in the hallway, you could see inside each of the rooms. I remember they were people I didn’t know…except one,”

“Who was it?”

I rolled on my side again. He didn’t need to see me cry.

“My brother,” My voice was at a whisper again and a few tears slipped down my cheeks.

“Didn’t he kill himself, though?”

I hummed an ‘mhm’ and bit down hard on my lip.

“I asked the doctor if I could go in and see him, cause I was excited since I thought he was dead.”

“And…?”

“He said no.” I said half-heartedly. “And then took me back to my cell.”

“Oh,”

“Then I found myself falling asleep thinking about Daniel,” I twisted my body into a strange position and let out another cry before biting down on my lip to muffle the noises coming from my mouth.

“Daniel?” Jack asked, making my heart hurt.

“My brother,” I muttered, trying my best not to cry again. Just the thought of Daniel at all made me feel like shit.

“Do you know why your brother killed himself?”

The question drove me crazy and I let out a scream, and I curled up into a tighter ball. I twisted my fingers through my hair and I tugged on it, hard enough to almost pull some out. I sobbed.

Jack remained quiet as I cried.

A few minutes passed and I composed myself enough to answer his question.

“It was my fault,” I muttered, my stomach tossing and turning at the thought. “It was my fault.”

- - -

I knocked on Daniel’s door because I was in desperate need of a pick. I’d been playing my guitar too long and my fingers started to feel numb, but I needed to practice.

“Daniel, c’mon you ass,” I chanted at the door. “Open the fuck up! I need a pick!”

There was no answer, so I sighed and reached down to grip the doorknob. I tried to turn it, but it was locked.

“Fuck you, Daniel.” I cursed, walking toward my room to fine the spare key that went to all of the doors in the house. After finding it in a drawer in my desk, I walked back across the hall toward Daniel’s room and stuck the key in the door.

Hearing the click, signaling that it was unlocked, I pulled the key out of the door and turned the knob.

- - -

“I doubt that,” Jack soothed and I felt a warm hand on my side. I jumped, biting my lip harder, in shock.

It was my fault. And I knew it.

“It was my fault,” I repeated, hoping that telling myself that would make it all better. But saying that never made it better.

Even though it was the truth.

- - -

Daniel wasn’t anywhere in sight, so I shrugged his absence off and walked to his dresser and stole a red guitar pick off the top of it. I glanced up into the mirror, seeing how bad I must have looked since I just woke up an hour ago and all I had been doing was playing guitar in my room.

I reached up and pushed my hair out of my eyes but spotted something other than myself in the mirror.

I whipped around to look into the bathroom to see Daniel lying on the floor. At first, I laughed because I thought he was fucking with me. He always did those kinds of things to mess with me.

I stepped into the bathroom and kneeled down next to him. Placing a hand on his chest, I laughed and shook him lightly.

“Dan, wake up.” I sighed, shaking him more violently this time.

He still didn’t wake up and that’s when I started to worry.

“Daniel Gaskarth, wake the fuck up,” I yelled.

Getting no type of response, I brought my head down against his chest.

No heartbeat.

My breath caught in my throat and I lied down next to him on the floor, awaiting for someone to come home.

- - -

I screamed through clenched teeth and my eyes shot open. I clawed at the thick leather of the couch-bed and I shook my head violently.

Jack emitted a sigh and rubbed along my side slowly.

“It’s okay, we can move on,” He whispered, removing his hand from my side.

I composed myself, again, and rolled over to look at him.

“But…I need to talk about it sometime.” I whimpered, my lip quivering slightly.

“Another session,” He stated. “Finish telling me about your dream; what happened when you went to sleep?”

“Nothing,” I said with almost no emotion. “But when I woke up, there was someone in my room.”

“Who was it?”

“I…I don’t remember,” I groaned, squeezing my eyes shut and let out another shaky breath. “It was…It,”

“Think, Alex. Think,” Jack encouraged.

“I…” I bit my lip, holding my breath. Letting out a struggled cry, I answered.

“He was tall and he had dark hair,” I muttered, squeezing my eyes shut tighter. “He was wearing a white tuxedo and he was holding flowers,”

“What kind of flowers?”

“They….they were red,” I let out a trembling sigh and opened my eyes abruptly. “Roses.” I announced, looking over at Jack.

“Roses?” He asked.

“Roses,” I assured. “And the guy…he came over to my bed and set the flowers on my lap. And I sat up,”

“Do you know who it was?” Jack repeated the question. I bit my lip slowly and shook my head.

“No, but he asked me to run away with him,” I sniffled and dug my fingernails into the thick leather of the couch-bed I was lying on.

“Did you say anything?”

“I…I cried. I cried because I was stuck in that cell for the rest of my life,” I bit my lip to muffle a whine that was building up in the back of my throat. “And he hugged me, Jack,”

“And what happened after that?” I could see the sadness in his eyes as he asked.

“I…I cried myself to sleep in his arms,” My lip trembled and I let a few tears roll down my face. “And when I woke up, he was gone,”

“Oh,” He muttered, scribbling something down. “Anything after that?”

“There were…the roses on my bed next to me,” I breathed a little more evenly now. “And I remember being cold because I wasn’t in his arms anymore,”

“Then…?” Jack urged.

“Then I woke up,” I let out a painful sigh.

“Now you need to try and remember who wanted to run away with you,” Jack smiled, reaching over to put his hand on my knee. I tensed up to his touch.

“I…I don’t remem-“

“Just try,” He looked at me with care in his eyes.

I clenched my eyes closed as tight as I could and I felt my body begin to ache. I let out a frustrated groan and rolled over, away from Jack. More tears flooded through my eyes, blurring my vision, and I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“I can’t…” I screamed, opening my eyes and letting all the built up tears spill over. “I just…can’t.”

I writhed and tried to think.

“It’s okay, Alex,” Jack gripped at my side, causing me to roll over and stare at him in awe with bloodshot eyes.

I was a mess and he knew it.

“No,” I whined, biting on my lip, hard. “It isn’t,”

“Alex, calm down, okay? Just think,” He soothed, setting his notepad on the edge of the leather couch-bed and standing up from the chair he was in and sat next to me. He pulled me up into a hug and I buried my head into his chest.

“I don’t like seeing you in pain, Alex,” Jack muttered, locking his eyes with mine. “It hurts me, Alex,”

“I…I…” I trailed off, not being able to find the words to say.

“Sometimes, I just want to break down and cry with you. And wrap you in a hug to make all the pain go away,” He said, honesty in his eyes. “But, as your therapist, I can’t do that,”

I nodded, biting my lip.

“But as your best friend, I have to be here for you and hold myself together,” Jack rubbed his hand up and down my side. “But it kills me so much sometimes to do this.”

I melted into his arms, it seemed, and I felt calm and collected and his hand trailed along my side.

“I’m a mess,” I breathed as his hand moved onto my thigh and moved slowly down to my knee.

“You’re troubled,” He mumbled. “But you have me.”

I looked up at him and stared into his dark chocolate orbs. He smiled and reached up with one hand and wiped the tears away with the pad of his thumb. I kept my eyes with his.

“Now do your best to think,” He muttered, placing a soft kiss to my hair. I closed my eyes and whined.

My stomach rolled in circles; a feeling mixed with frustration and nervousness. I liked the way Jack held me when I came to him for therapy.

He was the perfect therapist.

“Anything,” He whispered, rubbing my side again and hugging me tighter.

“He was tall,”

“Yes,” Jack whispered.

“And he had dark hair,” I admitted, closing my eyes as tight as I could.

I bit my lip hard, trying to push away any bad thought that wandered into my thoughts.

“And, he was really cute,” I half-frowned.

I dug deeper, trying to figure out who it was, but other thoughts flooded into my mind.

Thoughts about Daniel.

I curled into Jack as tight as I could and cried. I let out a struggled, frustrated groan and whimpered as I tried to push the thoughts about Daniel away.

“He…” The pain all went away as I felt Jack rub my back soothingly and I had it. “He’s…I can’t…he’s,”

I felt Jack’s eyes on me as my lip quivered.

“You,” I breathed, feeling like I was about to explode with anxiety. The silence was driving me crazy and I sighed and uncurled myself from Jack and met his eyes. I bit my lip, nervously this time, because I was scared at how he would react.

“I…”

Before I could finish, Jack’s lips were on mine and any worry or pain was washed away. I got lost in his kiss and I felt him pull away too soon.

“Alex,” He muttered, pressing a soft kiss to my hair. “Run away with me?”