‹ Prequel: Lead and Gold
Vernacular
Dirge
Hello, my dearest friend. It has been quite some time since I last confided in you, has it not? In this unfathomable stillness I constantly find myself in, the minute scratching of this pen are a welcome distraction. Yet, as of late, I have had a diminishing desire for your whispers. Why is this so? I do not pretend as if I have another besides you in which to share my rampant thoughts. Every time I put the ink-covered nib to these pages, I could feel the weight of decades melt from atop my shoulders, and my mind. When all other companions failed to soothe my raging confusion, you reminded me of your presence by allowing one of your many faces to waver in the wind.
So why have I abandoned you for so long?
I suppose it is for the same reason that I took leave of The Coven for such a long duration. I cannot deny that I missed the many faces that I was accustomed to viewing on a daily basis, but something called me away, back to the lands that I used to call home. A deep, almost instinctive urge had overtaken me as I wandered among my room. That urge was so strong that it even overrode all notions of my paramour, Maharet. Although I already felt a pang of longing at just the thought of detaching myself from her, I knew that those four walls would not contain me for much longer. Something called to me.
And here I am, among the darkest reaches of untouched lands, again allowing the kindred souls found in these nocturnal creatures to connect us as brethren. Here, amongst the ever-concealing layers of the ancient trees, I find my mind coming to a state of rest not easy to obtain. From time to time, my thoughts stray to those I left behind, if only for a short time, and then, the errant wonderings are gone, like the shadows darting among the trees.
I need this time to myself, away from those I have come to depend on. It reminds me of why I need them.
A shortcoming of this retreat is the loss of stability and control I was able to retain whilst among others of my kind. Here, in these distant grounds, unholy yet sacred, there are no fear-stricken eyes to condemn my acts of sacrilege. I have tasted the flavors of many things on this journey: Man, woman, boy-child or girl-child, the old, the strong, sickly, lustful. There are no limitations to what I do within these everlasting shadows.
I need this time to remind me of the beast that I am.
Upon returning to The Coven, I shall do my best to repress these recollections, denying the possibility that I gave myself over willingly to my temptations. I will try to erect the facade of a Gentlemen, the Noble that Maharet adores, Oliver misunderstands, and Ava craved. Deep down, however, underneath the layers upon layers of chivalry and morals, I shall still here the mocking of my inner being, the entity that I became here, the creature reflected in the rheumy death-gaze of the lifeless bodies that are my footprints.
This is my Sanctuary as much as it is my Battleground. Even amidst the silence am I tormented. No matter how many kisses Maharet places upon my lips, no matter how many gestures Oliver makes to me, and no matter how human Ava made me feel, this blood that I have found here shall remain long after the vitality has crept from it. Upon returning to The Coven, I shall be more of a monster than I was prior to stumbling across it, no matter how long I share my lover's bedchambers.
This is my time.
So why have I abandoned you for so long?
I suppose it is for the same reason that I took leave of The Coven for such a long duration. I cannot deny that I missed the many faces that I was accustomed to viewing on a daily basis, but something called me away, back to the lands that I used to call home. A deep, almost instinctive urge had overtaken me as I wandered among my room. That urge was so strong that it even overrode all notions of my paramour, Maharet. Although I already felt a pang of longing at just the thought of detaching myself from her, I knew that those four walls would not contain me for much longer. Something called to me.
And here I am, among the darkest reaches of untouched lands, again allowing the kindred souls found in these nocturnal creatures to connect us as brethren. Here, amongst the ever-concealing layers of the ancient trees, I find my mind coming to a state of rest not easy to obtain. From time to time, my thoughts stray to those I left behind, if only for a short time, and then, the errant wonderings are gone, like the shadows darting among the trees.
I need this time to myself, away from those I have come to depend on. It reminds me of why I need them.
A shortcoming of this retreat is the loss of stability and control I was able to retain whilst among others of my kind. Here, in these distant grounds, unholy yet sacred, there are no fear-stricken eyes to condemn my acts of sacrilege. I have tasted the flavors of many things on this journey: Man, woman, boy-child or girl-child, the old, the strong, sickly, lustful. There are no limitations to what I do within these everlasting shadows.
I need this time to remind me of the beast that I am.
Upon returning to The Coven, I shall do my best to repress these recollections, denying the possibility that I gave myself over willingly to my temptations. I will try to erect the facade of a Gentlemen, the Noble that Maharet adores, Oliver misunderstands, and Ava craved. Deep down, however, underneath the layers upon layers of chivalry and morals, I shall still here the mocking of my inner being, the entity that I became here, the creature reflected in the rheumy death-gaze of the lifeless bodies that are my footprints.
This is my Sanctuary as much as it is my Battleground. Even amidst the silence am I tormented. No matter how many kisses Maharet places upon my lips, no matter how many gestures Oliver makes to me, and no matter how human Ava made me feel, this blood that I have found here shall remain long after the vitality has crept from it. Upon returning to The Coven, I shall be more of a monster than I was prior to stumbling across it, no matter how long I share my lover's bedchambers.
This is my time.