I'm a Walking Travesty

He was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. I’m drowning in my own misery and I just can’t help myself. He was the only thing that ever mattered to me and I can’t believe I just let him leave me. I gave up without a fight and I knew that I could’ve done something but I was thinking with my heart and not my head.

My heart told me that the only way that he could be happy was to let him go. He was suffering too much because of me and I just couldn’t stand watching him suffer. All the pills he had to take. All the times I had to go with him to his doctor’s appointment because he told me that he wanted me to be there just to hold him and to keep him safe. I complained here and there and look where I am now.

I was in my room and the verge of nirvana. I took all the anti-depressant pills I found in my room. He had an addiction to these things and now I see why. I can’t believe he didn’t actually ask me to take some and see how it felt to be on the clouds. I felt like I was floating on air. I felt like I was on my way to being with him.

I’m glad I never got the chance to throw these all away. I never knew that one day, I’d need them too. He was right when he told me that they were an escape. I couldn’t find myself anywhere else but here – in my room with pills scattered all over the bed tempting me to down them all. I already took 5 of them and they were enough to keep me high for awhile but the pictures started to fade and I needed to keep myself in a delusional state because reality for me was too fucked up.

I got up clumsily and forced my shaking hands to pick up a pill. I really didn’t know why I was shaking but I was too fucked up to even begin to care. I didn’t want to have to worry about it at all and I wasn’t going to worry about it because I don’t have to.

I’m not making any sense anymore.

I took three more pills because my eyes couldn’t find any more. I downed them with water and lay on my bed waiting for the pictures to appear just like a slide show but nothing came into view. Instead, my eyes started to shut and my breathing started to slow down. I was finally going to be reunited with him where we would last forever.

I shut my eyes completely ignoring the person who was calling out to me from reality. I was drifting away into my fantasies because I wanted to live in a fantasy world.

I was too much of a travesty to be alive and well. I needed to get away from this world. To get away from everything that kept me trying to forget about him. He was all that ever mattered to me and I don’t know how to live without him. So if he was going away, then so was I.