I'm a Walking Travesty

Bright white lights all around me made me squint as I opened my eyes. Machines were beeping at my side and I felt wires hooked into my body. I was light headed and I wasn’t super sure about what was going on but one thing I knew was sure. I wasn’t where I was supposed to be. I wasn’t buried six feet under the ground in a twelve feet grave. I was lying on a bed with a head under my pillow with a sense that I was still breathing. I was still alive.

I wanted to throw a tantrum but I knew that that would only cause them to think of me as some person who’d be better off in an asylum for mentally retarded people. I wasn’t mentally retarded. I was just sick of everything around me and I knew that he was the only one who understood me. He was the only one who cured that sickness and now that he wasn’t here, the sickness spread like an infectious virus that was bound to eat me whole.

I felt a hand grasp mine but I didn’t dare look at those eyes that told me everything would be fine. My mother was a liar. She didn’t know anything about me and she never wanted to hear me out. I hated her guts. I can’t believe she showed up. I bet she was the one who called the hospital and told them that I was popping pills. I bet she’d want me to get locked up in a place where I didn’t belong because I didn’t belong with her and she didn’t know how to take care of me.

“Mia, honey, someone’s here to see you,” she didn’t even rejoice at the fact that I was alive. But I guess that was a good thing because I’d be hurting one less person when I’d die and sail away from this formality they called a fucking life.

I didn’t answer her. I just glued my eyes to the window and saw how it was raining outside. It was too dreary for my liking. It didn’t help my mood at all.

I felt her hand slip away from mine only to replace by another one. The fingers that wound themselves around mine seemed calloused. The grasp wasn’t tight at all. I knew whose hand it was but I was too afraid to face the person that held my hand. I knew that it would break his heart to find me here in this confined setting with machines keeping up with my status. I knew he would only tell me that what I did was stupid.

I turned my head slowly as he squeezed my hand lightly. Those brown eyes always got the best of me. I knew that right now they filled with concern but something in me told me that they also held a hint of disapproval but then again who would approve of a girl like me? In reality, trying to get away from everything and failing midway will give you tons of haters but I didn’t think he’d care at all.

“Why?” he asked me. As if it wasn’t clear already.

“Zack, what are you doing here?” I asked him not wanting to explain anything to him.

“I came as soon as I heard because…” he trailed off. “I came because I couldn’t stand the fact that you would just give your life away for him. You’ve got so much to live for and you don’t even know it,” he was angry. He had every right to be. I couldn’t blame him for caring too much.

All throughout my childhood with him, he’s been like the big brother I’ve never had. Being an only child made him do that. He felt the need to protect me and being a clumsy girl, he felt the need to keep my feet planted on the ground. He never gave up on me, not once.

He never really liked Eric. He always thought he was some kind of jerk who took advantage of me and that I should be happy that he died. Eric had lung cancer from smoking too much but I didn’t mind because he never pushed me into doing any of it. He never encouraged me to smoke or to do the drugs that he did. He cared about me but Zack seemed to think differently. He thought that he was using me as some kind of tool to keep himself alive. To tell him that he had something to live for and who’d think that that wasn’t a good thing?

He told me that I was his only one and that I will always be. Sadly, he took this oath to his deathbed and left me with the whole world.

“You don’t know that,” I told him looking straight into his eyes.

He tensed a little and I knew I struck a nerve and I felt guilty but I was too tired to even think of a proper apology. “I’m only trying to help you because I know you. Well I knew you before he changed you,” he muttered the last part.

Those words stung like a bee. But I didn’t let it get to me. I didn’t need him here. I never really needed him. I was head strong and stubborn and that’ll get me somewhere someday and his warnings are nothing but petty sidenotes that I consider trash. They meant nothing.

I don’t know why I was acting pretty bitter about all this but I knew how he felt about Eric and it hurt me knowing that he never really approved of him. Zack and I drifted apart because I chose to be with Eric. Zack warned me not to get too close to him before because he was only gonna kill himself but I didn’t believe him then. I still don’t until now. He had cancer and it was hereditary. That’s what I believed and wanted him to know but he was just as stubborn and I was. I didn’t know how or why we got along before.

“I don’t need your help,” I spat as I tried to take my hand away from his. He tightened his grip but it was still sorta comfortable.

“I can’t believe you’re actually being stubborn about this,” he said shaking his head. So much disapproval showed on his handsome face.

“I can’t believe you’re actually starting to hate me because of this,” I countered as he rolled his eyes in all the anger he could stir up.

“Stop it, okay?” he pleaded. “I just want you to find yourself again,” he said sitting on the chair next to me so he could level with me.

“I know who I am Zack, you don’t have to help me rediscover myself because I’m only going to find the same answer.” I said but I knew deep inside that I wasn’t the same person I knew back then.

I wanted my old life back and I wanted everything to be okay again. I couldn’t bare all this depression and all these thoughts about Eric. It was just too much for me and I can’t believe I let it get this far.