I'm a Walking Travesty

After spending a whole day refusing to answer people’s questions, I was discharged from the hospital. For the past week, I’ve stayed in my apartment downtown getting out only when I wanted to go and get something to eat. Other than that, I just locked myself up refusing to open the door when people knocked on it. The only time I left the door unlocked was when I took the pills. I went out to get a bottle of vodka after the first two pills and I guess I forgot to lock the doors when I came back in.

My mother told me that Zack was the one who found me sedated. My mom hardly asked me about the drugs and why I took them. She knew me and she knew I’d do anything to get what I want and besides if she did ask, I wouldn’t tell her.

Zack had just come from his tour with his band, All Time Low. He had heard about Eric’s death and wanted to see how I was doing. Laying unconscious on a bed filled with pills was hardly what he could call fine even if I told him a hundred times that I was.

I was back at home with my mom. She and Zack were discussing things downstairs. She was probably telling him about how much of a fuck up I was and how I was a disgrace to this family. It was typical for her to say shit about me all that. She and I were never under good terms after I chose to get an apartment instead of keeping her company.

I walked to my door and opened it a little to eavesdrop on their conversation.

“I think it’ll be a good thing for her. I mean she’ll get to get away from all of this and start over,” Zack said to my mother who smirked.

“Zack, if she tried to kill herself because she lost something that she loved dearly, what’s moving to California with you going to do? For all I know, when she comes back she’ll doing drugs and smoking and-”

“I’ll watch over her like I always have. You don’t have to worry Mrs. Shay,” Zack said sincerely.

They’re talking about me moving to California? Are they insane? I’m not going to California! I mean I’m well-adjusted here and moving some place new wasn’t going to help at all. I didn’t want to forget about everything I’ve ever known. I’d be empty without these memories that haunt me everyday. That may have sounded twisted but it was true.

“Zack, I don’t know. I’m worried about her and I was thinking about checking her in to a-”

“She’s not crazy, Mrs. Shay,” Zack almost stated furiously. Zack had always been respectful and he never disrespected my mother or anyone older than him. “She just needs some time to move on,” he said.

“Well, I’ll see if I can go talk to her,” my mother said.

“Thank you,” Zack said before departing for the living room.

My mother was walking towards my room. I retreated back to the edge of my bed and sat down and faced the window.

Maybe moving away from here would be something good. It could give me new hope. It might give my life meaning again. It might restore the emptiness Eric left me with. The hole in my heartfelt deep with sadness and something in me was getting tired of feeling like this.

It was already a week since the burial. I wasn’t allowed in because his mother blamed me for his death. She told me that I was some hoe who made him smoke and do drugs. But the truth was that she was someone who expected too much from her son. She was the whole reason why he divulged into cancer sticks and pills. It was all because of her and her fucking expectations.

He loved me and he told me he was always going to. He told me he loved me when he died. He loved me. But somehow, when he left this world, I began to think that maybe he didn’t because if he really did love me he would’ve stayed alive for me. But that was irrational. I was senseless.

“Mia?” My mother said knocking on the door, waking me up from my thoughts.

I decided to look at her this time. I know what I wanted and I chose to agree with this plan.
Besides Zack will probably help me a lot more than she ever can. I’d pick Zack over her any day.

“Zack and I were talking and he said that maybe moving to California might make this a little easier for you,” my mother said sitting beside me on my bed. “But I told him that you wouldn’t even consider-”

“I, uh, sorta heard what you guys were discussing about,” I interrupted her. “And maybe it could be a good thing,” I said. This was the first time I spoke to her about anything after Eric’s death.

My mother was shocked that I even spoke to her and even more surprised that I agreed to Zack’s idea. “Are you sure that’s what you want, honey? I mean don’t you want to think about it first?” she asked me.

“I’m sure,” I’m sure I don’t wanna spend the rest of my days talking to you and waiting ‘til you send me away to a mental hospital.

“Let me go tell Zack then,” my mother said getting up but I stopped her.

“No its okay, I’ll go tell him myself,” I told my mother and her eyes opened up a little wider – if that were humanly possible.

I got out of my room and left my mom there with her thoughts. Zack turned his head as soon as he heard me coming into the room. He smiled a small smile and I returned a smaller one. I sat next to him on the couch and told him about how moving to California would be a good idea.

“Really?” he asked me sounding like a kid who woke up on Christmas morning.

“Yeah,” I said and he pulled me into a hug.

I wrapped my arms around him and felt almost better. The way he wrapped his arms around me was similar to how Eric wrapped his arms around me. It was comfortable and somehow I felt like it was alright again. It felt like I was whole again. Who knew all I needed was a hug?