I'm a Walking Travesty

The hug lasted longer than I expected but then again, we did this a lot before so it’s not really surprising that he didn’t let go when most people usually did. I tried to get him out of his sulky mood by telling his that it’d be alright but he said that I didn’t know that it’d be alright so I should just keep my mouth shut and not talk about it again.

At that, I was hurt but I understood exactly why he was acting like this. I guess he really did like this girl. He wouldn’t be acting like this if he didn’t. I just hope that that girl won’t show her face to Zack or Peter anymore. She should just go bury herself under the ground or something because what she did to Zack was pretty brutal.

“Hey, I’m sorry you had to hear all this,” he told me all of a sudden as he played with my hand.

“Its fine, Zack,” I said with a smile as I held his hand. “I’m here for you. You know that,”

“I know but I don’t want to burden you with anymore problems, I mean…” he said trying to take it all back but I just smiled at him and kissed him on the cheek.

“Don’t worry about it Zack, the memories are almost gone, at least I think they are,” I told him and he gave me a smile and pulled me into another hug.

Was it obvious that I’d lied to him about the memories that were replaying over and over in my head? Of course, the memories were still there. They don’t just fade away like that. I can’t believe I just lied to him about that.

“Hey, I’m gonna need some air. You go on out the back porch and talk with the guys. I’ll be right back,” I told him and his eyebrows slowly started to meet.

“I didn’t say anything, did-”

“No, you didn’t,” I interjected. “Now go,” I said pushing him out the screen door with a smile on my face.

I walked towards the front door and sat on the porch swing they had there. It was too bad that Ryan didn’t live near a body of water or something. It would’ve made me feel a bit better. I’ve always loved watching waves crash on the beach. I did that too much with Eric. So maybe it was a good thing that Ryan didn’t live on the beach or anywhere near it. It just made not thinking about him easier.

I breathed in for probably the millionth time already just wondering what about what could’ve happened if he never really did any of the drugs. Would I still have liked him in the same way? Would I have cared about him at all? Practically the whole time we were together, I was playing doctor and he was my patient. It was something that I thought was unlike any other relationship out there but I was locked up in a world where he and I were the only ones that mattered and I was pretty fine with that, to be honest.

Thoughts, memories and dreams found their way into my head and I just wanted to start screaming and convince myself that there won’t be a next time in this life I was living. I hated how I kept thinking about things like what would happen if I found someone else just like him and have the same things happen again. I didn’t want to have to deal with another loss. I wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with me and wasn’t about to leave in a few months time. I wanted to be with someone and know for sure that there would be an always and forever.

“Hey, why are you out here on your own?” A voice asked me. I turned to face that person and saw that it was Ryan. I don’t know why but it was sorta strange that he couldn’t really leave me alone. But then again, maybe it was just a coincidence or something.

“Thinking,” I said simply looking back out at the road in front of me watching the cars zoom past me.

“Well, you can always think inside you know,” he said and I smirked.

“I don’t really find it nice to think inside four walls, sometimes it’s nice to think outside,” I told him as he sat beside me.

“Well if it helps, my house doesn’t really have four walls,” I had to laugh at that. For some reason, he always made everything seem less painful that it really was and that was one thing that I liked about him. Wait did I just say that?

“Whatever, it’s still a confined space,” I told him and he nodded.

“True,” he said.

We started to talk about the most random things and then topics started sprouting from one unto another. It was sorta inevitable that it would lead to Eric. Actually, I was sorta expecting it. I did everything with Eric for about 10 months and each day we did something new. He always made it seem like the next day was another day to look forward to. Well that was until the day he passed away.

“So you wanna talk about him?” he asked before he diverged into a question that was sure to make me think about Eric more.

“I’m not really sure,” I told him and he nodded.

“Then if you don’t want to then-”

“Well, it’s not like I don’t want to its just…you wouldn’t really want to know, would you?” I asked him but he just shrugged.

“I don’t know, I mean if he was that important to you and if he really was a part of your life then there could be something significant about a little story. I might be able to learn a little something,” he said and I shook my head before telling him about Eric.

I told him everything about him. I told him about the drugs, the cigarettes, the late nights out with him, the pills, the doctor’s appointments and everything that I did with him. I told him about all the times we fought but made up at the end and the way I loved how he understood me and loved me for who I was. Eric cared about me, he really did. But everyone out there thought that he only used me for one thing and one thing only but truth was that we never really got intimate or anything like that.

I knew that he wanted to but he knew I wasn’t ready and we both knew that there would be a time where we’d both have to say goodbye. It was a safe relationship but there was really this one time where he got high after smoking pot that he pressured me into doing something we both knew we’d regret.

“What did he do exactly?” Ryan seemed to be really curious about this. I don’t know but I think he was looking for some kind of situation where Eric messed up and did something wrong. This was sorta it.

“Well, he asked me and I said no and he started to say things like I never really loved him and shit and he threatened to hit me and right when he was about to take his first strike, I closed my eyes in fright but once I opened them again, he was gone,” I said remembering what happened like it occurred only a few days ago.

Ryan stayed silent this whole time. I think maybe he was trying to process but maybe he didn’t really know what to say about it.

“Why did you stay with him? Didn’t he try to do the same thing again?” he asked me sounding sorta angry.

“Well…” I can’t really say that he didn’t because there were really times where he tried it over again thinking that maybe it would be the right time but I wasn’t all for giving myself to him. I mean it’s not like I didn’t love him. It’s just that I didn’t like the fact that I was giving myself to someone who’d leave me in the end.

“Wait, sorry, you don’t have to answer that.” He said looking away.

I was grateful actually that he didn’t expect me to answer it. A few minutes later, he placed his hand around me. I felt comfortable with him and knew that this was safe. It was just him comforting me - nothing more, nothing less.

I heard the screen door open and close and then heard someone clear their throat. I looked back to see Zack with a semi-angry look on his face. Ryan got up and went back inside. I didn’t really get why Zack was angry. Did I do something that gave him a reason to hate me? Sometimes I just wonder about what I do to annoy him. But I didn’t have to care this much, did I?