I'm a Walking Travesty

“You weren’t thinking about going out with him, were you?” Zack asked as he sat right beside me.

“What if I told you I was?” I asked him curious as to why he started the conversation like this.

“Because he’s only gonna hurt you in the end,” he said frankly as he stared at the sky.

“You don’t know that,” I told him immediately regretting I said anything in the first place because obviously Zack knew Ryan better than I did.

“Look, you don’t need any more problems so don’t start making more, okay?” he said. I didn’t like that he was in such a pissy mood. It was so influential that somehow it made me feel the same way.

“Zack, don’t worry, I wasn’t thinking about going out with him, okay?” I told him finally getting all the aggravated aura out of my system. I didn’t want to have to feel this way right now.

“You weren’t?” At this he was sorta surprised but at the same time, a relieved tone was evident in his voice. It was sorta weird in a way and I was beginning to think that maybe he was doing this not just to protect me but because of something else. But maybe I was only fooling myself into thinking that Zack would ever like me as more than a friend.

I shook my head at him as I got up. He watched me and followed suit as I went back inside. I didn’t know why I didn’t notice this before but when I looked to the side of the living room, I saw a piano stashed away in the corner standing beside a cabinet filled with books and old records. I looked back at Zack but realized that he probably went to go find the guys who were out back practicing or something.

Since I had nothing to do and since I didn’t really feel like being around people, I went towards the piano and sat on the chair that was placed right in front of it. I bit my lip as I lifted the cover that protected the familiar black and white keys. Slowly, I began to reach for the keys that played the notes to that one familiar song. I really wanted to sing along to the melody but I couldn’t. It was as if the very words made me think about how Eric told me to stop singing because I had the most horrid voice in the world.

I stopped singing after one little incident happened. I played a song I composed to Eric. I made it just for him and I worked very hard on it but he wasn’t pleased with my performance at all. Of course, that was after the whole refusal about getting intimate with him. After I said no to him, he started to take more drugs and he started getting high more often. It was as if being stuck in reality made a depressed monster out of him. I myself didn’t get it but I chose to stick with him because I was blinded by what I thought was love back then.

I made tons of sacrifices which in the end were pretty worthless in more ways than one. He never really gave a damn about what I did for him anymore and there were times where I actually regretted being with him but I knew that if I left him, he’d take the first ride that would lead to his death. I didn’t want him to die because of me…

As the last key slipped from underneath my finger and the last note was heard, people started applauding from behind me. I turned around slowly to see who they were. Practically everyone was out there with big smiles and pretending like my performance made them all teary-eyed. I smiled at them as I got up. Zack put his arm around me as the rest of the guys shared their thoughts about how good they thought I was on the piano.

Ryan was the last one to actually say something. It was as if the very presence of Zack scared him for some reason. I didn’t really like the fact that Zack hated Ryan but maybe once I get to know these people better, I’ll understand.

The rest of the guys dispersed into the kitchen leaving me and Ryan again. Zack probably gave him verbal warnings about how fragile I was right now and that got him really anxious. It wasn’t like one word was going to scare me off.

“You’re, uh, really good at playing the piano,” he said scratching the back of his head. If we were in a cartoon, his knees would probably be shaking right now and drops of sweat would have travelled down his face. I really didn’t like that he was nervous around me now.

“What did he say to you?” I asked in a hushed tone so that if Zack was eavesdropping, he would only get to hear one side of the conversation.

“What do you mean?” he asked me.

I looked around me before taking his arm and dragging him near the front door which was away from all the other rooms in the entire house. “What did Zack say to you?” I asked him eagerly and he bit his lip.

“Nothing, he didn’t say anything to me,” he said in a rushed manner.

“Liar,” I said rolling my eyes at him.

He breathed out heavily before saying anything else. “He just said to stay away from you because I would only screw you over or something like that,”

“Why would he say something like that?” I asked him and he sighed.

“Everyone in this house thinks of me as some kind of ‘Smooth Operator’ or whatever since I go out with so many girls. They think I just toss girls aside once I get them up into my room but they’re all wrong. I don’t sleep with most of the girls I go out with and the only reason why they call me back is because I don’t break up with them,” he told me.

“Why don’t you break up with them? And why do you have to go out with so many girls? I mean isn’t that too much to handle?” I asked raising one eyebrow.

“Well, the reason why I don’t break up with them is because I’m afraid of hurting them. It’s not like I go out with each girl I hang out with. Most of them are just friends, you know? And plus, I’m on a quest to find ‘the one’ for me. That is if that girl really exists,” he said clearing his throat. “That must’ve sounded really lame and cheesy, huh?”

“Well it sorta was but it was also kinda sweet in a way,” I said with a shrug. “Haven’t you told the guys about that?” I asked him but he seemed sorta blank.

“Umm, do you think they’d actually take me seriously if I told them exactly what I just told you?” he asked and I just shrugged.

“It’s worth a shot,” I told him trying to shed a little optimism.

“Well, in my perspective, I think it would only end up being the worst thing I’d ever do,” he said leaning on the wall that was behind him.

I sighed and placed a hand on his shoulder. “How will they ever know that you’re not actually the guy they claim you to be if you don’t tell them the truth about how you treat girls?”

He stared at my hand on his shoulder and slowly reached for it with his hand and held it tightly. “It doesn’t really matter,”

“Yes, it does,” I said.

“Fine, if it matters so much to you, I’ll do it but on one condition,” he told me entwining my fingers with his.

“What’s that?” I asked him.

“I want you to be with me,” he said.

At this point I really didn’t know what to say a part of me was dying to say yes but another part of me reminded me about what Zack had said about Ryan. But didn’t Ryan just say that everything guys thought of him was a complete and utter lie? Who should I really believe now? A guy I just met or the guy I’ve known for so long?