Deserving Selflessness

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Stevie often wondered what went through Shaun's parents' minds. Shaun spent all his time away from home, basically living with Stevie. Nobody in Stevie's family minded- they loved Shaun. But Stevie was perplexed about Mr. and Mrs. Nickla. He knew that they cared about their son...but Shaun was sort of an accident to begin with, his parents were still in their thirties. They liked to go on vacations and do things that people who aren't parents do. He guessed that they sometimes pretended Shaun doesn't exist sometimes.

He also wondered if it bothered Shaun. Shaun was kind of oblivious to a lot of things, but he had to know his parents were indifferent towards him. Maybe he didn't care, maybe he liked it that way. Stevie felt bad...he had been lucky. His mom was the best mom a kid- a gay kid could ask for. His dad was a different story but Mitch...Mitch had taken him in and raised him as if he were his own son. Stevie couldn't be more grateful.

He just wished his boyfriend had the same upbringing. Or at least a better atmosphere to have grown up in. But he was fine- more than fine. Shaun always had fun and always had a good outlook on life. Didn't complain much and when he did it was usually for a good reason.

Stevie pushed all the thoughts out of his head and decided he wasn't going to learn today. He'd much rather lie around all day with the boy he loved.

"I don't want to go to school today," Stevie muttered, feeling a little down. He never felt like going to begin with, but he had an excuse to stay home. "Skip with me, okay?"

Shaun nodded and kissed Stevie's cheek. "Of course I will. It's better that you stay home today, you've got chemo later. I'll take care of you, baby. You look a little pale. And when's the last time you ate? I feel like you really don't eat anymore...that's not good Stevie."

The younger teen sighed and rubbed at his head. "I ate yesterday. I'm not-" he stopped himself. "I actually...am in the mood for a brownie. Why don't we see if we have mix and we can make some? I know for a fact we have milk and eggs..."

Shaun jumped up and down, any kind of sweet treat made him happy. He hadn't made brownies with his boyfriend since his last birthday. Probably because they got caught up in having extremely passionate sex while waiting for them to cook and the smoke alarm went off. If that wasn't a mood-ruining situation, they didn't know what was.

So now that they learned from their mistake, they trust themselves enough to try this again.

"Yay I found some!" Shaun reached in Steve's cabinet and pulled out Duncan Hines brownie mix. "The expensive kind. My mom always buys the cheap shit, and it never tastes the same."

Stevie frowned. "Shaun...I know we don't really talk about it. Mainly because it's not a big deal but...what's the deal with your parents? I mean, I've been in your life for almost four years and I probably have seen them 20 times. They are always off doing something else it seems..."

Stevie didn't know if he should have kept his mouth shut. He didn't want to make Shaun upset. He was genuinely just curious. He honestly just wanted to know more about his boyfriends' family.

Shaun shrugged. "Mom and dad like to go out. They're only 37 years old, they are still pretty young. They like to have fun and go to tropical places when it's not nice here. Y'know? I don't blame them, they live an exciting life."

"Yeah but they have you, Shaun. They never take you anywhere that they go. They kinda just brush you to the side, did you ever realize that? I mean, I love it when you're with me, I really do. And my mom...and Mitch, they love it when you're here. But haven't you noticed that you're always here because your mom and dad are never home?"

Shaun laughed and shook his head, making Stevie confused. "Stevie, I'm here cause I want to be here. Yeah, I don't like being alone but...I'm always with you because I love you, and I love your family. My mom and dad love me too, but they just want to live freely. Both sets of my grandparents are well off and give my parents money so they can take care of me and go on vacation. I don't see anything wrong with that. They never had a chance to struggle while raising me. Imagine me having a kid next year? That's what it was like for them..."

Stevie nodded, somewhat understanding a little bit better now. Mr. and Mrs. Nickla were always very kind to Stevie...but they didn't really know anything about him. They were the 'hi and bye' kind of people. Always on the run. Always packing their suitcases to go off without their only child.

"Yeah I guess. No offense but you having a kid right now would be freaking scary. You're like a giant kid as it is...but hey, at least you'll be an excellent father someday. You know...if you want to be?"

High school boys never really 'talked' about having kids, and Stevie and Shaun were no different. The topic never really came up. And they didn't mind.

"Someday, sure. But not any time soon. Unless you wanna try and get me pregnant right now?" he joked, putting his hand on Stevie's chest.

Stevie bit his lip and smiled. "You know what happened last time when we started to have sex in the middle of making brownies..." he reminded the older boy.

"Yes, but we haven't started yet. So I think we're in the clear?" He asked hopefully.

Stevie wasn't exactly in the mood, and he was pretty run down from the chemo a couple days ago, and he knew he would be extra tired after his chemo today. So as much as he really wanted his boyfriend, he had to do what was best for him.

"God Shaun I would love to jump your bones right now but I think it'll have to wait til the weekend...when I have more energy..." he saw Shaun's smile fade, and he quickly changed his statement. "..but I shouldn't say that, let's make the brownies first and see how I feel after? Is that a better idea?"

Shaun's grin returned. "Yeah, it does. But you don't gotta if you can't. I don't know what it's like to be in your situation baby, I don't know how tired you are 'less you tell me. So don't be like...afraid of me being mad at you if you're too sleepy. Despite what you may think, I'm not a sex maniac. I think we both were a few years ago but not now. I know I act foolish most of the time but I can be serious. We don't have to make love today, or even tomorrow." He kisses Stevie softly. "But. If you want, IF you feel up for it later, what I can do is..."

Shaun leaned in close to his boyfriends ear and continued, "I can do all the work. I'll take off our clothes. You'll lie back. You'll let me touch you, and kiss you. I'll make you real relaxed. And once you're nice and hard I'll sit on your-"

"Shaun if you keep going I'm gonna have problems-" Stevie warned, laughing at himself because his libido is ridiculous. Shaun was so sexual Stevie barely could take it.

"I'm just saying. It could happen. Just let me know," Shaun could be so cute and so sexy at the same time. And the little bastard knew it too. He knew he was hot and seductive and fuckable. He knew it and he loved it.

"L-let's make the brownies first, you little devil. Even though sugar is the last possible thing you need right now- or ever."

Shaun pouted but listened to his lover. He opened the box of brownie mix and searched in Stevie's fridge for the rest of the ingredients. Stevie let Shaun lick the bowl, even though it had three raw eggs in the mix and probably wasn't a good idea. Shaun had most likely consumed worse, so Stevie had a 'well, what the hell?' attitude about it anyway. He'd be fine, he had a stomach made of steel.

Shaun of course checked the oven every two minutes because it smelled so good and he thought they were done, but what he was really doing was extending the baking time because of his impatience. But Stevie didn't mind- it was cute watching his boyfriend put on the floral patterned oven mitts like a little house-wife. Too cute.

"Are they finally done, my sexy baker boy? After 45 minutes?" Stevie asked, knowing the answer but just wanted to hear Shaun say it.

"Yesss, they are done. They look so tasty and chocolaty and good. I already know you're gonna tell me to wait or I'll burn my mouth so I'm being a good boy and waiting. But as soon as they're cool I'm eating like half of them. Okay?" Shaun said, making sure to shut the oven off.

Stevie laughed and pulled off Shaun's oven mitts, wrapping his arms around his skinny waist. "Oh I have an amazing idea of what we can do while we wait for them to finish cooling. I think you may have mentioned it before, I'm not positive though. Had something to do with... me and you...my bed...minimal to no clothing. My memory is getting kind of fuzzy though you might have to refresh-" Shaun cut him off by kissing him.

"Upstairs. Now."

~

Jack found himself in the bathroom for what seemed like hours. He was thankful that Micah always did a split shift on the days that he had chemo- so he could puke his brains out while he was gone. But this particular day was not letting up on him. For some reason he couldn't stop. He felt so sick, and he had no idea why. He was scared. His doctor appointment was in two days and he was fearing for the worst. He was definitely expecting bad news.

He absolutely hated bothering Micah at work- but this was an emergency. He thought the vomiting would subside, but it didn't, and he could try to drive himself to the hospital but he knew that it wouldn't be such a good idea.

"M-May I please s-speak to Micah Walker, it's urgent-" Jack barely got out, holding onto his mouth with one hand and the phone in the other.

"Please hold."

Jack shut his eyes and tried to take deep breathes. He felt sorry for calling, because there was a chance Micah was with a client- or worse, in the courtroom.

"Jack, what's wrong? Is everything okay?" Micah sounded panicked, like he always did when Jack called him at work.

"I-I'm sorry, baby. I d-don't mean to bother you I...I need to go to the hospital right away. C-Can you please take me?"

"I'm on my way stay put sweetie I'll be right there."

Micah knew not to ask questions. Why would he waste time trying to figure out what was the matter while Jack obviously needed medical assistance. That is why Micah knew Jack didn't call 911. 911 dispatchers spent about fifteen unnecessary minutes asking the person who is calling- who is in need of an ambulance why they need one. Why did they need to ask specific questions to a person that could be dying? Micah nor Jack ever understood that.

In no less than 10 minutes; even though Micah's job was 25 minutes away, Micah burst through the door and tried to locate his boyfriend. He sped- and he knew he could risk getting a ticket but in all honesty it's happened before and he got out of it. So he just did what he felt he had to do- Jack's life could have been in danger.

Micah found Jack, slumped over the porcelain toilet and he bent down to scoop him up. He probably wouldn't be able to pick him up like he did if Jack were a healthy weight, so he was kind of glad that Jack was thin.

"Oh, Jack...baby you look so sick. Did you feel this way this morning? Before I left?"

Jack wanted to lie, really did. Because lying would make it easier. But he chose the truth, the truth was always the better option, to Micah at least. Micah always wanted the truth from Jack. They never kept anything from each other or lied to each other if they could help it.

"I...I thought it would go away. I'm sorry I didn't say anything I...I just really need to get to the hospital, I've probably been throwing up for over an hour."

Micah carefully held onto his lover as he exited the house, not even bothering to lock the door. No personal possession was worth it. Nothing in that house was more valuable to Micah than Jack.

Still with Jack in his arms, Micah rushed through the hospital doors, and of course they were helped in seconds. Their hospital was very attending, compared to most hospitals around the US.

"Can you explain to me whats happening exactly?" This doctor they had never seen before...she was new to them, but she was older and looked pretty experienced. So they trusted her.

Jack coughed and tried to speak. "I um..." he looked towards Micah with eyes full of sorrow. "I've been throwing up every night well- early hours in the morning for a few weeks now. Perhaps even months. Today was worse. Today I didn't stop."

Micah's feelings were hurt. He had thought Jack wouldn't ever keep anything from him. But here he was, telling a stranger the truth, all the while keeping Micah in the dark. He remained quiet- Jack's health was more important to him than his lie. He was lying so Micah wouldn't worry, but look what had happened because of it.

"I had to pull over three times on the way over here...so he could vomit."

Jack scooted himself on the table; it was cold and he didn't like it. He wished that he was back at home where he was warm and cozy.

"I've been a cancer specialist for about 30 years and I can tell you this is very common. It just means that unfortunately the chemotherapy is harming you more than helping you. You might want to talk to your own doctor and see what he or she recommends. I would suggest cutting down on your chemo or stopping it completely."

Jack's heart started to beat a million miles. He felt like it was going to burst out of his chest. He hated the way Micah couldn't look at him. He wanted to shrivel up and disappear. He should have just been honest with Micah. If he said something earlier maybe this could have been avoided.

"What about radiation? Would that help him better? He needs to get treatment Dr. Leskowitz. If he doesn't then he sure will die...you know that. Why would you even think about suggesting he stop chemo?"

The doctor looked at the older man sympathetically. "Radiation and chemo have very similar side effects, I'm afraid. I know that it seems like I'm asking you to give up, but it isn't that way. I would only stop the chemo completely if cutting down doesn't help; which it should. How many days do you go a week?"

Jack sighed and clasped his right hand onto his left. He just wanted to go home.

"I go two times a week. So I guess I'll just go one day. That will be all right, won't it? That's what most people do anyway." Jack said softly.

"Yes that sounds better. And you should increase your off weeks...just by one. Your body needs a break, Jack. Your vomiting may still happen, but not as often. I'm sorry. But you're going to fight this, okay? I can see it in you, you've got a lot of fight. And I don't think your...husband? is going to let you do this alone. I can see that he cares very much about you." The doctor smiled at them. "So just do what I mentioned and if this continues or gets worse just come back, okay?"

Micah liked being referred to as Jack's husband. He liked it a lot. He dreamed of being Jack's husband...and he was going to propose as soon as Jack's prognosis turned out good. He knew Jack wouldn't marry him while he was hairless, weightless, and pretty much lifeless. He knew Jack would want to look as 'normal' as possible and he would want to be able to enjoy his wedding day to the max.

"Okay, thank you Dr. Leskowitz. I mean this in the best way possible- I hope not to see you again," Jack said with a grin.

"Do you need help down? Do you want me to carry you to the car?" Micah asked, with his hands ready to lift his lover. But Jack shook his head.

"No I'm fine. Feeling a lot better than before. I just...I need to use the bathroom- not to throw up I have to pee." He said with a slight giggle.

"Do you need me to come with you?" Again the younger boy shook his head no. He much rather would not have to be babysat. "All right, then. I'll wait for you in the lobby."

Jack nodded and headed towards the restrooms. It was funny, because as soon as Jack entered, Shaun exited. Micah didn't think Shaun would be here at such an odd hour. He hoped everything was okay with Shaun's boyfriend.

"Hiya, mate," Micah said casually, catching Shaun's attention. "I see your sporting a supportive hair style."

Shaun was beaming. "Yeah we cut off our hair the other day. It was sad. But um...what are you doing here? I mean...is your boyfriend okay?"

Micah smiled. "I was wondering the same thing about you. Jack's...doing. He's been vomiting all morning. We just need to lighten up on the chemo. It's killing him. But he'll be better soon. I hope, anyways."

Shaun nodded, with a sad look on his face. "I'm sorry. Stevie's okay too. He's getting his chemo now. He hates it, I know. So...I mean it was nice seeing you, bummer that it has to be here but...I've got to get back to Stevie. I hate leaving him alone, especially here."

Micah remembered his 'brilliant' idea that he had a couple days ago. He started to rethink it, but what the young boy just said reassured him that he was doing a good thing.

"Wait um- Shaun. I...hate to be a nosy S.O.B but- do you always work on Sundays?"

Shaun was quite confused with Micah's sudden question, but he answered anyway. "Yeah...I work a lot. I mean, not a lot. Just 20 hours a week. I need the money."

Micah nodded, feeling sorry for the boy. "I know we just met. And we barely know each other but. I mean, it breaks my heart to know that you're working at a shopping mall while your boyfriend is at home...possibly alone and scared. And I want to help you. I mean...if you'll let me?"

Micah took out his checkbook. "Oh no no no. Micah, put that away. I don't want your money."

Micah nodded his head. "Yes you do. Please take it. I'll write it out for however much you need. You can fill in the rest. Promise."

If Shaun didn't know Micah was a nice guy, he'd probably be offended. "No way, Micah. You can't 'buy me out' I won't take that check."

"You will. Because I want you to. You and Stevie deserve all the time you can get with each other. Trust me...I have more money than I know what to do with. Jack's not very materialistic so I've got a lot of extra cash. I know these medical bills aren't cheap, I'm sure if anyone needs the money it's Stevie's parents...just please take this? I'll write it out for 10 thousand. Just as a start." Micah said, finishing what he was writing.

Shaun had never thought in a million years that something like this would happen. Never ever.

"I can't...no, why? Micah, you don't even know me. Please rip that up."

The older man shoved his check in Shaun's hands. "It doesn't matter if I know you or not. I'm pretty good at reading people. I can tell you're a good guy. Look, I've left my phone number on the back of the check. You can write it down or add it in your cell. If...you need to talk. I know what you're going through. I can help you. I want to help. Just let me."

Micah looked back and saw Shaun just stand in the hallway after he walked away from him. The boy slowly put the check in his pocket and looked up towards the ceiling. Micah knew that Shaun was grateful.

"Sorry, babe, there was actually a line. Thought that only happened in girl bathrooms..."

Micah took Jack's hand in his own and held it tight. "That's okay, sweetheart. I'd wait hours if I had to. Let me just get you home safe and we'll cuddle. I won't go back to work. Just wanna take care of you sweetie."