Deserving Selflessness

Stevie's health was starting to improve just a little bit. His short term memory loss was only temporary. His body was fighting the cancer along with the chemo therapy that he hated so much. But with Shaun's help and support he got through each day with his head held high.

Shaun often joked that Stevie would finally be able to outrun him once he was all better- because of all the pent up energy he must have had. Shaun couldn't imagine being so sick...so sick that jogging or even walking fast wasn't possible. He wouldn't know what to do with himself.

With the holidays right around the corner, both boys' spirits were up, because they loved Christmas time. Shaun liked Christmas because of the food and presents and Stevie liked Christmas because his extended family was going to come over. His cousins who he never got to see were going to be there for Christmas Eve and Day and he was so excited. He missed them a lot, and for a few moments in the past he thought this Christmas would be the last he ever spent with them.

Stevie learned to appreciate everything because of his condition. He appreciated the air he breathed the intelligence he had and all the wonderful people in his life. He couldn't ask for anything else.

"So what do you want for Christmas Stevie? I already got you a few things but I want to get you something you REALLY want. Last year you never told me and I got you a gift you didn't even want so...tell me. Please?"

Stevie smiled and wrapped his arms around Shaun. "Shaun you don't have to get me a thing. I have you, my mom, Mitch, the rest of the Pavacic's that are coming around next week. What else could I ask for?"

Shaun pouted. "Oh come on Stevie there's gotta be something! Like a gaming system or a couple DVD's, a snowboard...I don't know, something other than family or me. I already know what I want you to get me..."

Stevie looked at his boyfriend perplexed. "Oh yeah? And what am I getting you Mr.?"

Shaun looked up at Stevie with a huge grin. "A clean bill of health. I know it can't be promised or anything but that's all I want. There is nothing tangible that I want for Christmas except for you to be guaranteed to be in my arms for...forever."

Stevie's bottom lip quivered. "Aww Shaun...that's so sweet. I will try my best to get healthy again. I want it so badly. For me and for you. I can't wait until I'm all better so we can start our life together. I was thinking that maybe we could get our own place. Someplace near here, so we'd still be by our families. But...I want you to be my family, Shaun."

Shaun pulled away from Stevie so he could face him instead of lean on his shoulder.

"You...you want to be a family? Like...live together and stuff. Really? I thought...you'd wanna keep things the way they are for now. I mean- you're going to get better it's just a matter of when. But- yes of course! Of course I'll move in with you. Oh my god I can't wait! We can get a dog, and pick out a couch and get a TV and pick out a rug to match the couch and-"

The younger teen shut his lover up by kissing him. "Yes we can do all of that but first I need to get better. I love you so much but you can't take care of me all by yourself. Even though you're doing a great job."

Shaun was doing the best he knew how to help out with Stevie. He wanted to do anything he possibly could to make Stevie happy and comfortable. All he wanted was to see the man he loved smile like he used to.

"I try," He kissed Stevie's nose. "You're going to get better soon. You're stronger now than you were a while ago. I bet you could beat me in an arm wrestle."

Stevie smirked. "I don't know about that, you're skinny but built like a freaking ox. But thanks, babe. I do feel stronger. But it's all because of you. I love you, Shaun William Nickla."

Shaun beamed. "And I love you Steven Robert Pavacic," and he nuzzled his way back into his boyfriend's arms.

The boys closed their eyes and took a nap for about an hour because Stevie fell asleep; even though Shaun wouldn't admit it, he was tired. Shaun woke up with his head on the couch and not his boyfriend's shoulder.

He blinked a few times and rubbed at his eyes for more clarity with his vision.

"Stevie?" He called out softly, in case he fell and was still asleep on the floor or something.

When Shaun looked down he didn't see his boyfriend. But he did hear the toilet flush. He felt stupid for worrying about Stevie when he was only using the bathroom.

The older teen sat up straight and yawned, feeling like he could use another nap.

"S-Shaun something's not right!" He heard Stevie call from inside the bathroom.

This caused Shaun to spring into action and run to Stevie. He tried to open the door but it was locked.

"Baby the door is locked, open it so I can help you."

Stevie hurled into the toilet and started to cough. "I can't. I can't stop throwing up. I'm sweating like a pig but I'm freezing. Something is wrong Shaun I don't feel right!"

Shaun started to internally panic but he remained calm for his boyfriend. "Stevie relax, baby. Take deep breaths and try your hardest to just open the door. Don't freak out, the doctors said that...you might be sick some days. It's a normal side effect from your chemo. You're okay, Stevie. I promise."

Shaun winced as he heard more vomit make it's way out of Stevie's mouth. "I've only been in here for 10 minutes but it feels like a lifetime. I ca-" he threw up once more. "My stomach hurts so bad, and my throat- it's killing me. Everything hurts."

Shaun thought about breaking down the door, but then he thought about how much it would cost to fix the door. There wasn't much Shaun could do, all he could do was rub Stevie's back, and from the sound of it, it didn't look like that would do him much good.

"Listen Stevie. Here's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna sit here by the door for however long it takes. I'll go get you a glass of water first, for when you come out. Just try to stay calm, please. As soon as you feel alright just unlock the door and I'll bring you to the hospital, okay?"

"O-Okay Shaun. Thank you."

Shaun hoped that everything was going to be fine. He didn't know what he was going to do if it turned out Stevie was getting sicker.

~

Jack made a stupid decision and waited until the last minute to tell Micah about his surgery. He knew that Micah would be beyond angry with him and he hated that. He wanted to tell him but in his mind he knew Micah would be so upset. He didn't even want Micah to know his cancer spread again.

Jack wanted Micah to be hopeful for him- at least one person had to be. Jack was starting to lose faith in himself, which felt terrible. He was strong, and had a lot of will power but hearing bad news after bad news really just got to him.

All those years of suffering only to be dying quicker than ever? It just wasn't fair.

He also did another stupid thing by calling up Mr. and Mrs. Walker and tell them not to come all the way from Australia to visit because Micah already bought tickets- two tickets to come see them after the holiday. They were slightly upset, but they understood and didn't want their son to have wasted 4000 dollars on plane tickets. So they settled on waiting an extra week to see Micah.

"Micah, I- I really need to tell you something. You're...you're going to be so mad at me for keeping this from you- and I'm sorry. I'm sorry so sorry!" Jack started to cry, and Micah instantly grabbed his hands.

"Why are you sorry, Jack? What's wrong?"

Jack looked away from Micah's beautiful eyes. "I need surgery. T-Tomorrow. I know I should have told you but I didn't know how and I know this is like the 12th time that I've used that excuse and I'm so sorry but I just couldn't. But...I need you to drive me and pick me up and-"

Micah made Jack look at him, pulling his face with the tip of his fingers.

"Jack...why do you need surgery? And...tomorrow? Why didn't you tell me? You should have said, Jack! You should have said!"

Jack only cried harder because Micah was so angry with him. He deserved it though, he really did.

"I didn't want to tell you that my body failed me again! I'm dying, Micah. The cancer spread for a second time. It's in my lungs now and I need an operation to remove the masses. Tomorrow. You have no idea how sorry I am for keeping this from you. I didn't want you to worry. I didn't want to give you even more bad news."

Micah bit his lip and tried not to tear up as much as he wanted to. He wanted to scream and yell and cry; and that wasn't him, Micah would never do any of those things. But he never wanted to up until now.

"You didn't have to go through this alone, Jack. We're a team, remember? I can't believe this, I really can't. But I can't be mad at you, because you need me. And I love you, Jack. I want to help you but...I feel so left in the dark. I'm just supposed to take you in for surgery blind- not knowing anything preliminary?"

Jack hated that Micah sounded like a lawyer when he talked to him sometimes. But he was really just angry at himself- not at his boyfriend. If he were Micah he would feel betrayed also, and that's never a good feeling. It's a terrible feeling that nobody deserves.

"I should have told you the second I found out. But we had just had a beautiful day...You me and Ian, we were all so happy and I didn't want to ruin it. I couldn't find the right time because there was no right time. But I do need surgery and I really want you to be there, please."

Micah sighed and shrugged his shoulders. "Of course, Jack. I wouldn't leave you to do this alone. What time do you need to be there?"

Jack's lip shook, and he took in a breath. "9 in the morning. I can't eat anything today, and I'm only allowed water until 7 tonight. I um. I don't want Ian to know about all of this. I'll tell him about it after the fact."

Micah frowned. "Jack, you've already lied to me...you're going to lie to your brother too? Why would you do that? He deserves to know I deserved to know. You should just tell him. The more support you have the better," Micah held onto Jack's cold bony hands. "Sweetheart...we are going to get through this. All of us. You've been so strong and so brave. You have the best doctors. Did they say...how effective the surgery will be?"

Jack looked into his boyfriend's eyes. "She said that if they can successfully remove the masses then I'll be cancer free. They caught it early- like with my testicular cancer so...it should be fine."

The tall man furrowed his eyebrows. "What do you mean if? Are they that big? I don't understand."

Jack didn't want to lie yet again to Micah, but he had no choice. He wasn't going to tell Micah about the decent chance he had of dying on the table. He didn't want to be talked out of the surgery. He needed it more than anything. He couldn't go through any more chemo or any more treatments. He was done; if this didn't work then he was out of options.

Jack needed to be selfish this time. He needed to do what he knew was right for himself.

"If they can't then they'll just stitch me back up and radiate me until they shrink. Then they'll be small enough to remove and go from there."

Again, the Australian frowned. "I'm sorry this had to happen, Jack. Especially now, right before Christmas. I'll cancel our trip to see my parents, you'll still be recovering and I won't do that to you."

Jack shook his head. "No don't do that, Micah. We haven't seen them in forever. And they'd hate me if they knew I was the reason why they couldn't see you. I'll be fine. Two weeks is more than enough time to bounce back. Don't worry about me."

"Jack no, don't argue with me please. I'm not taking you on a 18 hour flight after you've been through hell. Sorry, but you lose this time. I love my parents and miss them a lot but you're health comes first. They understand that, love. Okay?"

The shorter man forced out a smile. "Alright. But I'm not happy about it."

Micah smiled and hugged his lover. "How about we cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. I'll fast with you- we'll have water for dinner."

Jack blinked back a tear. Micah was so good to him he couldn't even bear it sometimes. Why was this man so amazing?

"You don't have to do that, Micah. Eat whatever you want, as much as you want. Can we have Ian over for dinner, please? I'd really like to see him before tomorrow."

Micah picked up Jack and threw him over his shoulder lightly. "Of course Jack, Ian can come over. I'll fix him something nice. But nothing for me. Like I said, I'm with you 110% with this. If you can't eat then neither can I," and with that being said he carried his boyfriend onto their soft couch and cuddled up next to him.

Jack hoped and prayed that it wouldn't be their last chance to do so.