Deserving Selflessness

It was the fifth night in a row that Stevie had woken up drenched in his own sweat. He looked it up on the internet, but since then he started to have more symptoms. He had got itchy skin and pain where it had been itchy. He didn't know what on earth could be wrong with him; but thanks to the website he was really paranoid. He didn't tell Shaun straight away, he didn't want him to worry over nothing.

Stevie asked his mom to take him to the doctors, and of course she agreed.

"Stevie, are you all right? You're starting to scare me. You've made me wash your sheets every day this week. I thought maybe you and Shaun were just having a little too much fun if you know what I mean but now...now I'm frightened. Tell me what's going on," she said, looking away from the road for only a moment to look at her son.

"I don't know mom, I'm sure I'm fine. I think I just have a sweating problem. Maybe I'm allergic to our body wash- I don't know. Hopefully this visit will tell us."

Stevie bit down on his lip, remembering what web MD said. He searched his ailments and found that it could be one of the following: menopause, which was impossible, idiopathic hyperhidrosis which was basically night sweats, some sort of infection, a hormone disorder, or cancer.

Stevie made his own conclusions and assumed he had a hormone disorder- Shaun probably messed with his hormones once he started begging for sex every single day since they started dating.

Stevie and his mom sat in the waiting room until a kind nurse called his name. She took his temperature and wrote down his current information to help out the doctor when he or she came in. Stevie was under 18 so he still went to a pediatrician, he didn't have a specific doctor.

"Hello Steven, how are we feeling today? Not too good I would imagine, you've got a fever. Tell me what's going on," Stevie had this doctor before. She was always so nice and so funny. He felt at ease with her.

He crossed his legs. "Well, um. I've noticed that I've lost a bit of weight- not too much just...I don't know I haven't been trying and I can't seem to put on any pounds. Uh, about a week ago I woke up sweating, like, not just from under my arms like- everywhere. My back, legs, neck, and stomach. Also just recently I've been real itchy, and it hurts where it itches."

Dr. Hughes wrote down everything Stevie had said. "How much weight would you say you've lost? And where are you itchy? All over? Or just one area?"

Stevie pointed to his upper body. "Probably about ten pounds. And just up here mostly. Sometimes I get itchy everywhere, but definitely around my chest and neck."

"Lie down and please lift up your shirt for me?" Stevie did as he was told.

Dr. Hughes examined the irritation that was on his chest. She ran her gloved hands over the small bump that she saw.

"Do you know what's wrong with him Dr? It sounds like-" his mother remained silent, she didn't want to put ideas in her sons' mind before the Dr said anything.

"I'm not positive Ms. Pavacic, your son needs a blood test. I know exactly what it sounds and looks like but I don't like to make presumptions. We usually don't do the tests here but this is urgent. I'll be right back."

Stevie sat up and started to panic as soon as Dr. Hughes left the room. "Mom, I'm scared. What do you think it is? Huh? Tell me..."

Laura hugged her son and kissed his forehead. "Baby, I'm not the doctor I really don't know. But whatever it is you'll get through it. You noticed this early, and early detection is the key."

When Stevie's doctor came back with the equipment necessary, Stevie's heart started to race. He didn't mind needles but he hated blood tests- they freaked him out.

"We'll have the results back for you in two weeks, I'm sorry it's such a long time period but we need to test for everything- every possibility. The last thing I want is to diagnose you wrong. Just take Motrin next time you get a fever and try not to scratch, okay?"

"O-Okay. Thank you Dr. Hughes."

They were both silent during the car ride home. Stevie was terrified and his mother was too. She knew that there was a chance her son had some sort of cancer. All the signs were there, all he needed was a diagnoses.

Stevie had no idea what could be wrong. He didn't think it was anything- he was ready to blame his boyfriend for it thinking it had to do with his overactive sex drive.

"I-I'm gonna go to Shaun's house. Don't mention any of this to him. I don't want to tell him yet. He'll have millions of questions that I won't know how to answer. It's best to wait. And don't bother calling dad, I'm sure he won't care anyway."

Stevie's parents got divorced a long time ago. Stevie's dad would come home drunk as all drunk could be- clearly. He never tried to hide it. Never once acted like he cared about his wife or son. Never came to a single little league game, never took him to a carnival, never taught him how to do anything. Never did anything a father is supposed to do. Stevie's mom was an independent strong woman so she divorced his drunk ass and got sole custody of Stevie.

Better for both of them that way. Stevie didn't care that much, he wanted his dad out of the picture. He loved his mom and ever since he was 8 years old that's how it's been. Stevie's dad would have drank himself dead if he knew he had a gay son- so it was much much better that he was gone. Probably down south somewhere where it's okay to start drinking at 7 in the morning.

Laura found love with a man slightly older than her; Mitch. He was a nice guy and Stevie liked him a lot. Mitch thought Stevie was a great kid, and he treated him as if he was his own.

Stevie walked to Shaun's house even though it took him a while. He liked getting dropped off there when it was cold out, but for the beginning of fall it wasn't too bad to walk.

"Hey baby. Guess what? Nobody's home." He said with a smirk, kissing his boyfriend hello.

"O-Oh. Um, cool. I..." Stevie scratched the back of his head. He didn't know how to deny Shaun without getting him upset. "...I'm still worn out from last time. Why don't we just relax. I know you probably want to play a game. Right?"

"Yeah, sure. I'll play a game. I'll make us grilled cheese for lunch later. You still like grilled cheese with white cheese right?"

Even though Stevie felt so scared inside, he forced a smile and nodded. "I don't know if I trust you with the stove, babe. I'll make it so you don't get burned. Okay?"

Shaun pouted and it made Stevie smile for real. "I can so do it on my own, you'll see. You'll see and it'll be the best grilled cheese sandwich you ever have, ever in your life. Then you'll say 'oh thank you Shaun you are the best at cooking on the stove and I'm sorry I doubted you' then you'll want more and I'll make you more."

If Shaun wasn't the cutest boy in the world, Stevie didn't know who was.

~

Jack awoke to Micah rubbing his back lightly with the tips of his fingers. He fluttered his eyes from open to close several times. He loved it when Micah did that sort of thing. He loved that Micah was so amazing to him all the time. He scooted back closer to his lover only to be wrapped up entirely.

Micah breathed in deep and kissed the side of Jack's face. "How are you today, Jack?" he nuzzled in the crook of his neck and sighed.

Jack shrugged and pat Micah's dirty blond hair from behind. "I feel okay, better than most days. What time is it? Aren't you late for work?"

Micah shook his head and smiled against his lovers' skin. "No, I took off for today. I know today is a big day for you. Going to talk to the little ankle-biters; God you're amazing."

Jack loved Micah's Australian accent- it's what set Micah apart from the rest. Micah had a very striking face, he resembled Ashton Kutcher only with slight differences. But his deep voice knocking off all 'r's at the end of certain words made Jack's heart skip beats.

"I'm actually really nervous about it. They're going to take one look at me and think 'oh damn I don't want to look like him' I look so terrible all the time. I refuse to wear fake hair but maybe I should buy a convincing wig or something...for their sake."

The older man kissed the younger again. Jack rolled over to face him. "No, sweetheart. You should go as you are. Those children will look the same as you. They'll feel accepted and normal while they are around you. You'll make them feel at home. I know you will. You're an excellent speaker, Jack."

Jack laughed. "Says the lawyer who wins all of his cases. I'm the good speaker? No, no. Don't even try to make me feel better. I'll be stuttering and stumbling over my words every second. I don't know why you'd take off just to witness all this. You shouldn't have done that..."

"Yes, I should have," Micah scooped Jack up in his strong arms and carried him up and off their bed. "...I don't spend enough time with you. I miss you even when I'm right here. I just want to stay with you in bed all day but I know we can't. Let's take a shower together, yeah? We haven't in months...maybe even a year."

Jack shook his head quickly. "Micah...I- don't think that's a good idea. You um. You go first, you were up first. It's all right, I'll wait. I'll set the table for a nice breakfast."

Jack and Micah's sex life had become non-existent ever since Jack started to lose his hair and become weak. Jack didn't want Micah to see him naked, or make love to him thinking he'd break into two because he was so fragile. Micah always tried to assure him that he was perfect, the same Jack he loved and would always love but Jack was so incredibly insecure.

"Jack, please?" Micah held onto his boyfriends' arm. "...You are still beautiful to me. You always are- no matter what. Look, I'm not trying to push you, I never would do that I just...I want you to trust me, Jack. I love you so much I just want to show you..."

Jack's deep chocolate eyes started to water and he could barely see out of them from the film of his tears. "I'm sorry, Micah. Not today." Is all he said before taking his arm back and walking away from Micah.

Micah showered alone; trying his very hardest not to dwell on Jack not being comfortable enough to have sex with him after 5 years of being together. They used to make love all the time, before Jack got sick. Even after he was diagnosed they still made love but...it all stopped eventually.

Jack showered alone as well, crying silently because he felt to terrible for rejecting his boyfriend yet again. He wanted to be healthy for Micah. He didn't want him to feel like he was making love to an already dead body. Jack wanted Micah sexually, he just didn't think he deserved it.

They acted like normal, eating breakfast together and being extremely cute together like always. Jack loved scrambled eggs almost as much as he loved the man who made them for him. Micah always put just the right amount of milk into the eggs to make them fluffy and great.

"Do you have a speech written down or are you going to go on a whim?" Micah asked, putting their dishes into the washer.

"I think I'm just going to wing it. Kids don't usually like speeches. I'll just speak from my heart you know?"

The taller man nodded. "You ready to go now? Or did you want to go later? I don't mind either way I was just wondering."

"I'll just brush my teeth, and then I'm ready. The children usually go for their treatments during this time, I don't have any idea why. They should really do them at night, so they don't miss out on stuff that happens during the day. And then they could just go to bed after. I'm not a doctor though- so maybe I don't really know what's best for them."

Micah just smiled and went with Jack to brush their teeth. Jack loved kids. If he weren't sick, Micah would have brought up the idea. Of trying to adopt. But he knew Jack was going to get better- so he'd ask him about it once things started to brighten up for him. Micah just hoped that it would be sooner rather than later. Jack had suffered enough.

When they entered the hospital it was a different feeling for Jack because he wasn't going in for medical attention- he was going for...fun. A new aspect of hospitals was very much welcomed for the 21 year old.

Nurse Kimberly took Jack into the pediatric area where all the children 13 and under went for chemo and other treatments for their cancers. He was saddened that there were so many. So many children whose lives could end very early.

"Hey guys, this is Jack O' Connor. He's a patient here just like you guys. He's gonna talk to you about some stuff and maybe if you're all really good he'll take some questions," she winked and Jack nodded.

Micah sat in a little red chair by the door that his butt barely fit in, but he didn't want to intrude or have the kids wonder who the heck he was.

"Hello boys and girls. Um, like Nurse Kim said, I'm Jack. I...know you guys don't really get a lot of visitors but I just wanted to see you." They were all seated so nicely on the floor, Indian style. They all looked so tired. "As you can see, I look just like you guys. I lost my hair too. I um. I have cancer just like you. And I know it must be so hard for you guys. You feel really sleepy and really sick all the time. And your mommies and daddies try really hard to make you feel better but sometimes...sometimes you just don't. And I get that."

He was glad that they all listened to him while he spoke. He expected at least some of them to doze off or preoccupy themselves with something else, especially the younger ones. But they all were so great.

"What we go through is real tough and...we're so strong for still being here. I just want to congratulate every single one of you, because you are so, so brave. I um. I don't know what else to say really. I mean, you all know what I'm talking about. You know what it's like to walk through these doors and think about what's going to happen. And sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad. But no matter what happens you need to always, always think about the good things. Hope for good things and be positive. Smile as much as you can because if you smile, everyone will smile. See I'm smiling and I got a whole bunch of you to do the same."

Micah grabbed a tissue from his pocket because he knew he'd need it. Micah never cried in front of Jack- at least he tried very hard not to. But Jack's back was facing him so he figured he was in the clear.

"I believe in all of you. You have the power to be happy even though I know some days you just don't even want to go outside to play, or see anyone, or even eat or watch your favorite show on TV. All you have to do is try to have as much fun as you can. I do, I have so much fun. I know I'm a grown up and you probably think I'm old but I have a lot of good times even though I'm sick and I know you guys can too."

Every child clapped when he's done and one child, a girl, who looked about 10 years old came up to him with open arms and hugged him so tight. She was old enough to understand every single word that came out of his mouth. She was a fighter. She had touched his heart and he knew he had touched hers.

The children asked tons of questions that Jack was happy to answer, and he didn't even realize how much time went by. He loved spending time with the kids. He loved it so much.

"Jack, you were amazing with the children. I know it's a lot to ask but...Maggie- the little girl who hugged you before, asked me if you could come all the time. I don't expect this to be a once a week thing but...the kids would love it if you came every once in a while. When you can? If you don't mind?" she looked so hopeful and Jack was amazed.

"Of course, Kim. If...Micah doesn't mind?" He looked towards his lover and smiled.

"Jack, never in a million years would I mind. You...God you are an angel. A walking, talking, living, breathing angel. And these kids need you. I think you really changed their lives, Jack. I'm so proud, and so happy for you."

Jack leaned his head on Micah and wrapped his lanky arms around his neck. "Gosh I love you so much, Micah, I really really do." he looked towards his nurse. "So that's a definite yes, Kim," they both smiled. "Thanks for this opportunity. I'll see you next week for my appointment."

As much as he dreaded his chemo treatments, he now had something to look forward to. Besides Micah, he always looked forward to each and every second he got with him; but he had a new goal, to help the children who were dealing with the same things as he was. For the first time in a long time, Jack felt really good about his outlook on life.