Deserving Selflessness

Stevie tried his absolute best to hide his worry from Shaun. Shaun meant the world to him and the last thing he wanted was to make him upset about something he wasn't sure of. There were days when he had to force himself to be intimate with his boyfriend; when he was so worried about his health it was very hard to get aroused. Except when Shaun was so sexy and so demanding. Any teen would be glad to have Shaun...he was a really good sexual partner.

But Stevie's real concern was at the doctors office- again. Two weeks had gone by the slowest of slows for Stevie. He had bitten off all of his fingernails and had no more to bite to release any more stress.

Dr. Hughes had a remorseful look on her face as she held the test results in her hands. Stevie and his mother were holding hands, awaiting the news ahead of them.

"Steven we have your results. And they...- there is no 'best' way to give bad news I'm so sorry but...they aren't good. We tested and retested but I'm saddened to tell you that you have Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma." she bit her lip, devastated to diagnose a 17 year old boy with such a disease. "We have lots of options for you-"

"Am I gonna die?" Stevie's heart was racing out of his chest. He was fine- months ago he was completely fine. He was living his life like a normal teenager. He wasn't sick. Never showed any signs or symptoms until recently. How could this be real? How did his body become so vulnerable?

"This type of cancer isn't as aggressive as most. You're young, and only in stage one so...your chances are good. The survival rate at this moment right now is 69%- I know that doesn't sound like a good percentage to you but it could be much worse. You must have a good attitude about this, as hard as it seems. A good mentality is very vital for your recovery."

Stevie breathed in deep and rested his head on his mothers shoulder. Laura tried to make her son feel better but this news was breaking the both of them. She wished inside her head that this was her instead of him...she'd rather deal with this.

"So how do you suggest we approach this, Dr. Hughes? Radiation? Chemotherapy? Does he need surgery?" Laura asked, trembling slightly.

Stevie felt his stomach churn with anxiety. He didn't feel sick...yeah he was itchy and tired and feverish and somewhat thin but...he felt okay. He didn't feel like he needed any treatments at all.

"I would recommend chemo, honestly. There are many options, all of which are terribly hard to get used to but chemo would be my choice. If the chemo doesn't work, then I would try radiation. I could refer you to a psychologist if you'd like, Steven...it's common for cancer patients to see someone about this, you know?"

Stevie shook his head vigorously. "No, I don't want to see anyone. I just want to get better. I want to get out of here. I need to see Shaun." So many things were running through the teens' head. He didn't know what to do.

"I know, sweetie but we need to listen to Dr. Hughes first. We'll go home soon, love. Just stay calm for a bit." Laura rubbed Steve's hands and kissed him on the top of his head.

"You'll need this," she opens up a draw filled with little books. "It's a schedule planner. For your treatments. It's like a calender, there's little boxes for each day. I know you probably don't want to discuss this now, but the sooner you start chemo the better," she handed Stevie his 'treatment planner.' "You'll need chemo twice a week for 6 weeks straight. Take a break for 2 weeks, and then start again. I'll make the call later in the day for arrangements."

Stevie nodded and put the planner in his back pocket. "I just want to leave."

On the car ride home, Stevie cried- he didn't want his mom to see, so he pretended to look out of his window the whole time. She knew he was crying, though. And she felt like crying herself. She wanted nothing more than a healthy son. She wondered why this happened to him...why now, while he's so young. Why couldn't it be a murderer or someone that truly deserved this?

"Stevie please, come inside and let's talk. I know you're scared, baby. I know you, and I know that if you go running to Shaun that you'll regret it. Just come in for a bit?"

"Can't. I want to see him."

A part of Stevie knew she was right, but all he wanted was to see Shaun's face. Only Shaun would make him feel okay again- Shaun never saw the downside of things. His personality wouldn't let him.

As Stevie walked to his boyfriends house, he had started to think about Shaun. Shaun was always in a good mood. He was always happy. He was so optimistic and so delightful all the time. Nothing could put him in a rut- except if he missed Spongebob or the latest episode of Degrassi.

Stevie wasn't sure if Shaun could handle this. In fact, Stevie was positive that Shaun wouldn't be able to handle this.

When he arrived he realized he had a really tough decision to make. But when Shaun opened the door and Stevie saw his beautiful face light up- he knew he had already made his choice.

"Shaun...um. Could we sit down?" his voice was low, and monotone. He needed to make Shaun realize this was serious, and not something that could be taken lightly.

"Yeah, sure. What's up? Is...something wrong?" He looked so innocent. His big brown eyes looked so concerned.

Stevie bit his lip, unsure on how to begin. "We-" he choked a bit, not wanting to say what he had to. "...we can't see each other anymore, Shaun. I'm sorry. I- I don't feel the same about you. I- don't love you."

Stevie has never told so many lies in a row. He had to break Shaun's heart though, he had to or else Shaun would find a way for them to make up and stay together. Stevie had to break it off with Shaun; if there was anyone in the world who deserved the absolute best, it was Shaun. He needed someone to take care of him and watch out for him, not the other way around. Shaun wouldn't be able to deal with a sick boyfriend like Stevie. Stevie had to prevent Shaun from having to change his whole entire life for him. Even if it meant them not being together.

"What the fuck are you saying Stevie? I...I know these past few weeks have been a little different but...but we're happy, Stevie. You love me, and you know you fucking do so why are you lying to me? Why are you doing this?"

Stevie shook his head. He couldn't give in, not even if he wanted to. "Shaun, I'm sorry. I've been hiding it for a while. I don't want to be with you anymore. We're too different. I...I just came to tell you in person instead of over the phone or Facebook so. I- I need to go now. I- don't want you to call me, okay? A-And I don't want you to talk to me in school or come over the house. O-Okay? Do you understand?"

Stevie hated himself for doing this to Shaun- he never saw Shaun so confused and so angry before. He never wanted to make Shaun feel like this. But this was going to be better for them in the long run.

"No I don't fucking understand! You haven't given me one good reason why you want to break up, Stevie. You...you're like a different person right now. Yesterday we were fucking our brains out and now you're telling me you don't even want me to call or or talk to you? Are...are you on drugs, Stevie? I'm not playing around are you fucking on drugs?"

Again, the younger teen shook his head no. "No, Shaun, god no. I would never. Just...you have to respect my decision. I'm going to leave now. And you're not going to stop me- or follow me home. I can't...I can't do this anymore, okay? Just...just leave me alone."

"Fine, Stevie. You get out of my fucking house, and cool off. I don't know what the fuck your problem is, but I know that this," he points to his boyfriend. "...is not the boy I fell in love with. You need to take a fucking chill pill and then come back to me when you've figured out what it is you want."

Stevie thought Shaun would be upset, and sad, but what he witnessed was pure anger. Never had Stevie seen his boyfriend so mad.

Shaun continues. "Because this isn't fair to me, Stevie," now the older teen looks sad, and Stevie feels even more like crap. "...you can't just come here and lie straight to my face and expect me to be okay with it. But I love you so much, Stevie. I love you and I know whatever is going through your mind is causing you to act this way. So when you calm down come find me. But for right now, yeah, I think it's best you leave."

Stevie nodded and showed himself the door. Shaun knew him too well. He knew he was lying. But he loved him enough to offer Stevie a second chance to make things right. Stevie wasn't sure if he was going to take the offer, but he had some time to think about it. All he did know, was that his mother was right- like she always was. And he should have listened to her.

~

Jack had been in a great mood ever since he had that intervention with the children at the hospital. He had a blast with them, and it made him hopeful for himself after seeing 6 year olds with such charisma and bravery. If they could be that brave, then so could he.

Micah noticed Jack's improved mentality and he loved every second of it. There was nothing that Micah enjoyed more than to see Jack so excited about something. Micah almost got enough courage to bring up what he had wanted to for so long; about having a child of their own. But that would just take away from Jack's experience. He also knew that it would be hard to adopt...but he was willing to do whatever it took to have a child with the man he loved.

The phone rang, interrupting Jack from his nap; but it was okay because he was probably napping for too long anyway.

"Hello?"

The voice of Micah's mom was enough to make Jack smile with all his teeth. They lived in Australia so Jack and Micah never really got to see them. They met once, before Jack got sick. He was still a teenager and Micah was well into his twenties, but Mr and Mrs Walker didn't even think twice about it. They loved Jack and they were so happy for their son.

"Jack! How are you doing sweetheart? Is Micah 'round and about yet? I know he must be still workin' but I thought maybe I could catch him?"

Jack looked at the clock quickly to see if Micah could be arriving soon.

"I'm fine, Mrs. Walker, thanks for checking up on me. Micah is still at work, he should be home in about an hour. It's so strange isn't it, it's only five o' clock Friday here but it must be what, seven in the morning Saturday over there, right?"

"Yeah, I just woke up, thought I'd try callin' now. Patty says hello by the way. I miss my favorite boys you know? Patty and I were thinkin' and we might come and visit soon. It's going to be a surprise for Micah though, 'cause we know how much he's wanted to come here. It'll be easier if we come to you."

Jack quietly 'yayed' to himself. Micah had wanted to take a vacation with Jack to see his parents. They were so close, Jack often wondered why he wanted to leave Australia so bad to come to New York. But Micah had only told him it was time for a change. Jack thought it might have been more than that, but he'd never pry.

"Hi Patty! That's wonderful, Micah would really love that. I told him that we could go at any time but you know your son, he insisted that we stay here and take care of me. He wants to believe that the best doctors are here and not in Australia. He's stubborn, isn't he?"

"Yes but he loves you and is just looking out for you! Ahh you have no idea how much we want to see your bright little faces! We'll probably come in December, for Christmas. It's a few months away but it'll happen, we promise."

"I'll be looking forward to it and I'll keep it a secret from Micah, it'll be one of the best surprises. I'll let him know you called and he'll be sure to call you as soon as he gets home. I'll talk to you soon! Bye bye!"

"Bye Jack, we love you!"

Talking to Micah's parents was always something Jack looked forward to. He knew they were amazing people- very free spirited and always helpful. Jack remembers when he and Micah visited them. He was amazed at how beautiful Australia really was. He would want to move there...but Micah said he didn't want to go back, at least not yet. He loved New York just as much as Jack loved Australia. The reason unknown.

The only bad thing about talking to Micah's parents was...Jack thinking about his own mom and dad. They wanted nothing to do with him. He hadn't seen or talked to them in years. He missed them to death but they didn't want him. And his little brother and sister...they were probably so confused as to what happened to him.

He bet that his mom told Lilly and Ian that Jack was dead. Because that's what they wanted anyway. They wanted Jack to suffer for what he is.

He wished that his little siblings didn't believe his mom...and that they had some hope that he was still alive- at least for now. He wanted to see them so badly, but he knew it would only be trouble if he went to his house. His mother would throw bibles at him and recite the part where it says homosexuality is a sin and create a whole big scene that is really unnecessary.

He often wondered what she would do or say if she actually saw him. She probably wouldn't recognize him at all, because he looked so different than he had when he left.

Jack somehow got the strength to cook a decent dinner for him and Micah. He didn't know where the extra energy came from, but he was glad he made an edible chicken parmesan just in time.

"Wow, Jack, you made dinner? I so would have...baby you didn't have to." The older man kissed the younger, a smile plastered on his face. "It smells wonderful. Thank you, Jack, really."

Micah had lost a case- a case that really hit home for him for some reason. He was defending a poor women who was a kleptomaniac; so her children would have food and clothes. She did break the law, and there really wasn't any legal excuse for her wrong-doing so Micah had lost. She would be put in jail for a few months while her children stay with their coke-addicted father. Good job, Justice System.

"I think I made it too saucy. I'm sorry...I'm so used to you making it I didn't really pay attention on how much of anything to put in. But I tasted it and it was good so...I hope you like it too."

Jack was so adorable sometimes. "I'm sure it'll be fantastic. I think tonight is one of those nights to whip out our bottle of wine, yeah? I think we should."

"Me too. And we have something to celebrate, well, sort of. Your mom called about an hour ago. You should call her back after dinner. They'll just be done having breakfast. That's so cool."

Micah smiled and placed his hand on his boyfriends' cheek. "I'll call my mum later, right now...I just want to have a great dinner with the love of my life. I wonder when we can go see mum and dad...it's been years I feel so bad. They love you so much and they never get to see you..."

Jack smirked internally because he knew something Micah didn't- which was a rare occasion.

"Maybe we can visit around Christmas time..." he said, knowing fully well that it would be impossible because they'd already be there. "...we'll discuss it later, hun. Take off your jacket and sit, before it gets cold."

"Aw, okay, Jack. You're...God you're so cute- all the time." he made a scrunchy face at him and pecked him on the lips.

Micah was wowed at Jack's cooking skills. He never let Jack do all the cooking because he thought he'd get tired or weak, and he never minded. Cooking was always something he enjoyed, he mother taught him a lot of what he knows about cooking. But now he may let Jack help a little more, as long as he's up to it. Because the boy could cook.

"That was delicious, Jack. Or should I say Chef Jack. Thank you for that. How about I call my mum and after we go and treat ourselves to some ice cream?"

Jack loved ice cream...cookie dough with chocolate chips and hot fudge was his downfall. "Sounds good, I'll just go up and grab a sweater, I'm gonna freeze."

Micah frowned once Jack left the room. That poor boy was always cold. Micah wished it wasn't a factor for Jack, knowing that his skinny frame was cold in 70 degree weather was upsetting. He'd be sure to go clothes shopping and get Jack all new hooded sweatshirts and sweaters.

He started to dial his mom's number. He loved her so much, and he loved talking to her and his dad every day, or close to every day. They made an agreement that if Micah left they would talk as much as possible, and they've never broken their agreement to each other.

"Hiya Micah! Daddy and I miss you blokes so much..."

Her cheeriness made everything seem like it was going to be okay.