Deserving Selflessness

Unfortunately for Shaun, Stevie didn't answer the door that day. In a way, Shaun didn't blame him. Why would he answer the door? He was home alone in his house dwelling on the fact that he had cancer. Shaun respected his privacy for that moment, but he was in no way shape or form, giving up. He talked to Laura on the phone explaining what happened so that she didn't slip up and mention anything to Stevie. If Stevie knew that it was Shaun on the other end of the door he really wouldn't answer, so it was best that Stevie thought it was a package or something.

Shaun told Laura that he had a brilliant idea and that he was going to surprise Stevie at the hospital when he was receiving treatment. Laura advised him not to do that, because Stevie might get angry, but after Shaun did some heavy convincing she agreed.

Laura drove her son to his treatments but he did not want her to stay with him. He didn't want her to look at him while he was hooked up to a plastic bag filled with clear liquid he didn't even know the name of. But he was lonely.

Shaun made sure that he brought a nice comfy pillow in for Stevie. Shaun knew that hospitals didn't have comfortable chairs or beds or anything. He knew that because he used to be a regular at hospitals when he was a child. He was accident-prone as people liked to say. He would always be in for a broken something; whether it be an arm or a leg or a wrist. Good thing he grew out of the 'danger/curiosity' phase by the time he was about 10 or else he'd still be in and out of the hospital.

He made his way through the halls of the hospital until he found out exactly where he wanted to go. He passed by a lot of depressing sights and it made him feel sad. He didn't want to have to do this all the time...and he thought about what it must be like for Stevie. Unlike Shaun who was used to hospitals, Stevie hated them. He would never ever be in one if he didn't absolutely have to.

Shaun walked into the chemo center and shortly found Stevie. He was reading a magazine in depth. Shaun cleared his throat, his heart racing for what Stevie's reaction was going to be.

At first Stevie looked startled, but then his shocked eyes turned full of sorrow. "I...I didn't want you to find out like this," he looked at his arm and then back to his ex lover. "My mom told you, didn't she? It's okay. I'm not mad. I'm done with being mad. I- I'm sorry, Shaun. I shouldn't have pushed you away I-" Shaun dropped his pillow and immediately held Stevie in his arms. "I just didn't want you to worry about me."

Shaun sat with Stevie in his chair. He played with his long brown locks that he knew would start to fall out soon. Shaun was scared for Stevie but he knew that he had to put on a brave act for him.

"I know, baby. I know that you were just looking out for me. I wouldn't ever expect less of you. You...you need me though. And I'm going to be here for you every day. And I don't care what you say about it. You can't push me away. Because I love you. And I always will."

Shaun lifted up his butt and nudged Stevie to do the same, picking up his pillow and placing it under them. "Isn't that better?"

Stevie nodded and leaned his head on Shaun's chest. The younger boy is taken aback by the olders' behavior. Never in a million years would Shaun 'grow up' but it seemed that the boy did a complete 180.

"Thank you Shaun. You don't have to treat me different you know. You can still play around with me and tell me I'm being an idiot when I am and stuff. I don't want things to change. I mean I know it's going to be somewhat different...but I don't want this to tear us apart."

Shaun made a face at Stevie. "Excuse me mister but you're preaching to the choir over here. This is why I'm here. Because I don't want to be apart from you. You're the one who broke up with me. So don't worry about any of that. You need to relax and not think about all the bad things that are happening."

Stevie nodded into his lovers' chest. He knew that he was right. For once Stevie saw a mature side of Shaun, and he liked it at the same time that he didn't. He loved Shaun's immatureness and creativity and use of imagination. If he never was sick then Shaun would never lose that.

"I know, baby. But you can't worry either. Just be yourself okay? It'll scare me worse if you start acting like mom or Mitch," he said with a slight giggle.

Shaun hugged Stevie gently, he wasn't sure if he was weak or hurting or anything. He didn't know what having lymphoma felt like, nor did he want to. He shuddered internally at the thought. If it were him getting chemo and losing his hair and being told he was dying...he would be in a panicking state, he would be crying hysterically and begging to be cured. Or he would yell at the doctor and tell him or her that they were lying and cause a big scene. Either or. Shaun never coped well with anything that wasn't butterflies or rainbows.

"Stevie baby, do you want me to get you anything from the vending machine? I'm thirsty and I left my water bottle in the car and I really don't wanna go all the way back to the car. Cause I feel lazy. And by the way would you happen to have a dollar?"

Stevie smiled; Shaun was back. He handed the boy a five dollar bill. "You can get whatever you want. I'll just have a water. Yes you can keep the change," he said knowing just what Shaun was about to ask.

"YAY! Thanks!" He gave his boyfriend a wet kiss and skipped his way to the machines. Stevie got weird looks from the other chemo patients in his room but he tried to ignore it. He would think he would get a little more respect at the hospital- and he did. Nothing was like high school. Kids were so mean.

Nobody ever touched Stevie or Shaun but they always got made fun of or had threats made...and neither of them deserved that. They were in love and nobody cared- they all were bastards. Well, not everyone, but most people. They had a few close friends but they really only needed each other.

"That was my boyfriend. He's...he's real great," Stevie said to the room, just so people would stop staring.

"Oh, that's nice dear. It's real lovely to have someone here with you," A cute little old lady said.

Stevie smiled as he remembered what Shaun always says about old people. He could always tell a nice older person from a mean one. Nice old people always had eye-wrinkles; it proved that they smiled a lot of times in their lives. And the mean old people had forehead wrinkles or mouth wrinkles, proving that they must have been frowning a lot or scowling a lot. He was probably right too.

"Yeah. I'm real lucky."

~

Micah had just gotten off the phone with his mother when Jack came down the stairs looking cute as a button. Jack always looked good, thin, but good. He had on a pair of white skinny jeans and a tight purple v-neck. Micah was always amazed that clothes could actually cling to Jack- why do companies make such little clothes? Nobody was that skinny. Jack was because he was sick...what about the other men that fit into the same shirt. It boggled Micah's mind.

But he ignored it and brushed his lips against his lovers'. If there was anything Micah would kill to do all day it would be to kiss Jack. Jack was always such a good kisser. Even when they first started dating and Jack had barely kissed anyone he was amazing at kissing.

"My gosh I love your lips. And your eyes. And your everything. Jack I love everything about you," he gave his boyfriend an eskimo kiss.

Something inside Jack changed ever since he was diagnosed with cancer. He never meant for it to happen the way it did...it just happened on it's own. Jack stopped believing that he was good enough for Micah, for all sorts of reasons. But something about that moment...when Micah nuzzled his nose against his own...something just made sense.

"Micah..." he bit his lower lip and looked into Micah's baby blues for a long while. His eyelids were feeling heavy, but he wasn't tired. Not that particular day. "...Micah I'm sorry I've been so secluded from you. You're touch...your body. I do miss it. The only time I feel it is at night when you're just trying to keep me warm. I want to feel it the way I used to."

Micah was surprised, but in a very welcoming way. He thought he wouldn't be able to make love to Jack until the cancer was gone, but he realized then that maybe that wasn't true.

He kissed Jack slowly, and passionately. He wanted to savor the moment so badly. He didn't want to rush anything. He would go at Jack's pace.

"Are you sure, Jack? It's been a while. I would understand if you didn't want to...right now." Jack answered him by saying nothing, only lacing their hands together and leading them into the living area.

Micah loved Jack's clothes on...but off was even better. Although Micah wasn't a typical guy; his favorite body part on a guy wasn't anything below the belt. He never smacked Jack's ass or spoke to him in a derogatory manner. Had nothing to do with him being sick...Micah was just a sweet, kind, gentle man. He made love and never 'fucked' he would never call it that, ever.

He let Jack take off his clothes; he almost always did.

"Jack, I love you so much," he whispered as he held his lovers' body close, ready to prepare him.

"I love you too, Micah. It's okay, you don't...need to...you can just- I'll be okay," he finally got out, pushing Micah's hand away from his lower half.

Micah furrowed his eyebrows. "It's going to hurt if I don't, won't it?"

The younger man shook his head no. "You would never hurt me. It's really okay. I just really want you to make love to me right now. Please." He reassured the older man by spreading out his legs a bit further and kissing him.

Micah nearly wept when he made love to Jack, but not because it was so beautiful but because Jack felt like nothing...he felt so light and so fragile. Micah almost felt guilty for making love to him. But he didn't show it because that is exactly what Jack was afraid of. He was scared that Micah wouldn't feel excited or turned on enough to have sex with him because of how he looked. It wasn't that Jack was right...Micah was turned on by Jack and he was very excited to make love to him, it was just not the same.

Micah remembered when he made love to Jack for the very first time. Jack was young, but not young enough to do it for the wrong reason. He loved Micah, and he was ready to prove it to him. Micah waited for a while for Jack to be ready, and he didn't mind. He liked waiting for Jack. It made their relationship much stronger. And Jack felt a deep connection to the older man as soon as he gave himself to him; a connection that couldn't ever be broken. He knew that he would love Micah until the day he died. He just didn't think that day would be sooner rather than later in his case.

"My God you are so breathtakingly beautiful," Micah said truthfully, kissing the top of Jacks head.

Jack smiled and cuddled up next to his lover. "Stop lying, I hate it," he mumbled and before he knew it he was passed out.

Micah felt bad for wearing Jack out but it was probably for the best, seeing as it was that time to reschedule Jack's appointments at the hospital. Jack's chemo was on and off, like most cancer patients. The only difference with Jack was that his was on a lot more than it was off. So Micah often rescheduled Jack's treatments in advance so he'd be all set.

When he arrived at the hospital everyone was very nice to him. Like they always were. He appreciated that, because it was hard to find acceptance in most places. Especially when they went out to eat. They always had bigots saying something behind their backs or giving them evil looks. They weren't ever refused service, and if they were Micah would definitely without a doubt bring them to court- because he knew he could and he knew he'd win.

He decided to keep the same days and times for Jack, to less complicate his life.

On his way out he couldn't help but chuckle at the sight before him. A small boy was hanging on the vending machine trying to get out what looked like a bag of chips. Micah took it upon himself to help out the poor boy. This had happened to him a few times before.

"Hey there it looks like the machine isn't being too nice to you?"

The boy shook his head. "Gave my my water. Gave me my mountain dew. Will NOT give me my cheese balls. Hey you look like Ashton Kutcher. That's a compliment you know. So...can you help me get my cheese balls out or not?"

Micah had thought this boy was...a boy; perhaps about 13 but when he looked at him again and heard him speak, he knew this boy was almost a man. He tossed away the thought and tilted the machine forward and shook it as hard as he could. The bag came out and the boy 'yayed'

"Thanks a bunch. These things are my favorite." The boy smiled and opened the bag. "Want some?"

Micah shrugged and took a few- it had been a long time since he treated himself to something unhealthy. "Thanks mate."

The boy had been way too focused on his snack to notice Micah's accent.

"Ohh, you're not from here. Thank. You. Ve-ry. Much. I. Am Grate-ful-" The boy spoke slowly and carefully, causing Micah to laugh.

"I speak English, I'm Australian not Chinese. You're a bit silly. I don't mean that in a bad way it's just...different."

The boy, with a mouth full of cheese balls smiled. "Thanks, I guess. You talk funny. I bet you have a funny name like Jorg. Or Magnus. Am I close?"

Micah was sort of in disbelief. Never had he met a stranger person. "Australia is not anywhere near Germany. You need a geography lesson. Or you're probably getting mixed up with Austria...but anyway my name is Micah."

The boy got excited quickly. "I was so close with Magnus. Micah is weird...it's like Mike but not. Like Mike-uhhhhh. Do you get that a lot?"

Micah blinked several times and wondered if this boy maybe had something wrong with him...he thought not- he didn't look slow. He just seemed child like and maybe a bit naive.

"No, actually. But there is a first for everything they say." The tall man looked at his watch. "It was...nice meeting you, but I've got to get going. Enjoy your cheese balls."

The boy waved and thanked him again. He would have been in a really bad mood if he wasted money that wasn't even his on the stupid machine.