I Wish I Could Save You

He walked into the hospital room, eyes sparkling with a worry that she had seen before. It was not uncommon for him look at her that way. He worried about her constantly; her health was never the strongest.

Especially after the first diagnosis.

But her physical state had improved considerably since the treatments stopped and she went into remission. They thought she was over the biggest personal battle of her life. She wasn't the only one who suffered; her friends and family were in never ending fear of whether she would live or die. She managed to remain strong, putting on a happy façade for those around her in hopes of calming them even though she worried more for her life than they did.

She didn't want to die. Not till after she had grown old with the love of her life and could no longer control her bladder, having to turn to adult diapers that her lover would have to help her change.

She had plans for her life.

His eyes gazed over the room, the white walls, single chair next to her bed, presents of all kinds on the bedside table, the various wires and machines she was hooked up to, and finally landing on her. Since he saw her last, she was paler and thinner. She looked like she hadn't slept in ages, though he didn't doubt she had been sleeping nonstop. The sight made his heart rip in half.

"Hey, Tom," she whispered.

She attempted a smile, which probably looked more like a grimace. It took so many muscles to smile. More than she noticed when she wasn't ill.

"How are you feeling, Trip?" the man, Tom, asked.

"Terrible," she responded.

Trip's body ached. She was tired. No matter how much she slept, she could never seem to regain her energy. Nausea coursed through her stomach, never letting up to allow her to eat. It was never a goal of hers to lose weight and yet the disease was making her body do just that. Her head throbbed, thoughts pounding against her skull. So many 'what if's that couldn’t be answered.

Tom wished he could do something, anything, to take away her pain.

"What did the doctor say?" Tom asked, stepping further into the room and sitting at the foot of the bed.

Trip averted her eyes to her hands folded neatly in her lap, her black hair moving to cover her face. She didn't want to tell him. By now, her immediate family knew and informed her extended family. None of her friends heard the news. She would tell them soon; she wanted Tom to be the first to hear it.

"Its back," she mumbled.

Tom felt himself go numb at the news. The leukemia couldn't be back. She was doing so well. Her hair had grown back, her weight had returned to normal, she had a healthy glow and happiness that she lost the first time around. Within a week, that progress went down the drain and she was back to the too thin girl who wished that life wasn't such a cruel joke.

Why did something so terrible have to happen to someone like her? Someone who went out of their way to help other people. Someone with a genuine heart. Someone so pretty with goals of being the first female president since she hit first grade.

"When do your treatments start?"

"As soon as I can get fully re-hydrated."

The vomiting made her dehydrate and the nausea made it difficult for her to let anything slip down her throat. She should have realized that something was wrong, that maybe it was coming back, when those symptoms hit. The only time she felt that bad was two years ago when she was first diagnosed with cancer. But she waited this time, thinking nothing of the sudden problem till she passed out in the middle of a grocery store.

Tom mentally pledged to be there for her throughout her treatments. She fought it once, she could fight it again. He had faith in her. No matter how much it hurt to see her like this, he would be strong for her.

"So you'll sport that sexy, bald look again?" he joked.

Trip laughed, despite her situation. Tom smiled, knowing he could help her remember to laugh through it all. That’s what he did as her best friend, stuck with her through everything and made sure she could laugh.

"Yeah, I'll have a sexy, bald head again. I think I want to get a pink wig this time."

Of course she wanted some outrageous colored wig. She had a love for bright colors that all of her friends knew about. Her colors of choice seemed to represent her personality: fun, carefree, and wild.

"Well, when you finish your first set of treatments, we'll go out and buy that. I promise."

Trip smiled; Tom was always so sweet to her. She adored him for it.

"Did the doctor say anything else?" Tom asked.

Last time, the doctor gave her a thorough talk about cancer. He went over risks involved with treatment and the importance of keeping her regular health up. He gave them a general number of treatments necessary. He made sure she understood what was happening to her body.

Trip's smile faltered.

"I might not make it this time," she answered, tears threatening to spill from her brown eyes.

The body lost its ability to fight off cancer with each reappearance. Though this was the second time the disease hit Trip's body, she had a higher mortality chance than a person facing it for the first time.

Tom grabbed hold of one of her hands, "You'll make it. I know you will."

He would never lose faith in her, even if she lost faith in herself.

"In case I don't, I wanted to tell you something," Trip said.

It was now or never. She couldn't hold off telling him any longer. She was going to wait for a few months. It couldn't wait anymore though; she didn't have a few months.

"You're going to make it through, okay?" Tom pushed, "What did you need to tell me?"

Trip took a deep breath. The words 'now or never' flashed through her mind. She wished she didn't have to do this now but she couldn't leave without this closure.

"I love you," Trip said.

Tom tilted his head to the side. They were best friends, he knew she loved him and he loved her. Love was necessary in friendship. And they expressed their love for each other often; they weren't the type of friends to avoid saying they cared.

Trip noticed his confusion.

"What I mean is I'm in love with you. I have been for awhile but I was afraid to tell you," Trip explained.

She could face cancer but she was too afraid to tell the man of her dreams that she loved him. There was something very wrong with her personal fear scale.

Tom's face was blank. Trip tried to read any hint of emotion from it, any twitch in facial features. Something to tell her he heard her and returned the feelings. He remained stoic. The clock next to her bed ticked in the pregnant silence. Minutes passed and all he did was stare.

"I don't know to say," Tom said.

He had never thought of her like that. She was always his goofy best friend. The one he turned to when he was having girl troubles. What they had been through together meant a lot to him. But he didn't know if he could reciprocate the feelings.

With the cancer back full force, it wouldn't have been smart for either of them to pursue a relationship together.

"I understand. Forget I said anything," Trip said.

"Are you sure? Wouldn't it be better to talk about this?" Tom asked.

"No. I'm sure," Trip replied, voice sullen.

If she got over the cancer, she would never get over this.