Just Another Lovesick Boy

Before I was thirteen, I had never been to a funeral before. The first funeral I ever went to was Antonia Devereux’s. I could remember everything about that day. I could remember the shine of the sun covering everything in the cemetery and the heat on the back of my neck. I could remember feeling very uncomfortable in my brand new black shoes. I could remember holding my mother’s hand as she silently cried, dabbing away her tears with a tissue. I could remember the sound of silence in the church and echo of the priest’s booming voice. I could remember Mr. Devereux being red in the face because he was trying his hardest to keep it together in front of his kids. I could remember seeing Free being held in Mr. Devereux’s sister-in-law’s arms. I could remember the sound of Mrs. Devereux’s parents crying throughout the church. But above all, I could remember how Eddy was gone throughout the entire funeral service.

I had been standing by my mom’s side when I felt a presence to my right. I blinked once before slowly looking over to the tall man beside me. He gave me a comforting smile before greeting both my mom and me. He quickly got to the point when he turned my way.

“Hello, Adrian. I’m Thomas’s older brother, Sam. I’m Eddy’s uncle. I know Tom won’t say anything right now but I know he’s worried about Eddy. Do you know where he is?” Sam asked me.

“I haven’t seen him today,” I shook my head. Sam visibly sighed in worry and disappointment before looking away, scanning the cemetery. “But…”

“But what?” he quickly turned back around.

“Eddy wouldn’t just miss his mom’s funeral. He’s probably somewhere pretty close without us seeing. I’ll find him.”

“Thank you, Adrian,” Sam put his hand on my shoulder. “It would mean a lot to all of us.”

I nodded before turning towards my mom. She gave me a watery smile before patting my hand and walking towards Mrs. Devereux’s parents. I ruffled my hair a bit as I hesitantly began walking away from the funeral crowd and going slowly around the area. I started to feel anxious when I could not find Eddy. I sighed lightly as I paused and scanned the area before I heard a small shuffling. I blinked a few times before slowly looking up only to find Eddy sitting high up in the oak tree. I turned away to see that Eddy’s family were looking over in my direction before I looked back up in the tree. I did not hesitate to roll up my long sleeves and loosen the tie around my neck before I started to climb up. It took me some time to make my way up to Eddy, considering I was not the skilled climber he was. But once I was up there I felt like I had to make a habit of climbing faster.

Though Eddy’s face was as stoic as can be, I knew that he was screaming on the inside. He was sitting on the middle of a huge branch, straddling it with his legs hanging off the side. He was staring in the general direction of the burial but it did not seem like he was paying attention to what was going on. I sat a few feet away from him with my back against the large tree trunk for a moment before sliding closer.

“Ed?” I softly asked hesitantly. “Eddy, are you here?”

The look in Eddy’s eyes scared me more than anything else. I could handle mostly any emotion the people around me emitted, even if people in general made me uncomfortable. But the absent look on Eddy’s face worried me. In the case of coping with Mrs. Devereux’s death, I worried more about Eddy than I did anybody else. More than my mom, more than Mr. Devereux, and more than Free. I knew that my mom and Eddy’s dad would live more for Mrs. Devereux’s memory than her absence and I knew that Free would copy her dad.

But I worried for Eddy not because he was my best friend but because Eddy was different. He would wallow and despair and he would not tell a single soul about his pain. He would lie and pretend he was okay. He would smile but happiness would not touch him. He never learned how to simply be upset and let go. As much as Mr. and Mrs. Devereux loved their kids, they never taught them how to deal with pain. It was always a matter of burying the pain with happiness.

“Eddy. Come back, man,” I whispered, gently tugging at his sleeve.

My grip on Eddy’s black shirt caught his attention, causing him to slowly turn his head to look my way. But his eyes simply looked through me. I grimaced slightly to myself, not knowing how to handle Eddy’s unusual behavior. He was usually very expressive, even if he was lying about how he really felt. I did not know what to do.

“Ed. Come on, dude, your mom wouldn’t like you like this. Come back.”

Eddy blinked once before turning back to look down at the funeral. I let go of Eddy’s sleeve as I looked back to where he was staring. I could see everyone paying attention to whatever the priest was saying but I would see Eddy’s cousin, Derek, occasionally glance up to where we were sitting. Eddy’s soft breathing echoed through my mind before I could feel him gently tap at my hand.

“It’s just,” he began, “I can’t believe she’s gone.”

What could I say that would possibly ease the pain in his heart? Telling him I was sorry for his loss would not bring his mother back. Pity was not what he needed. I could not sympathize with his pain. My father left me by choice. My father was not killed by a drunk driver. He was not stolen away the way Eddy’s mom was. So what could I do, besides stay silent and let Eddy mindlessly tap at my hand?

“Dad keeps saying that it was her time. That it was God’s will and that He took her to a better place. How can I believe in God after this? He took my mom, Adrian,” Eddy spoke softly, gradually beginning to speak faster and faster. “She’s gone. And Dad keeps pretending everything’s fine but I can see how much he wants to cry. And Free just doesn’t understand that Mom’s never coming back.

And I told Dad that I hated that man who killed her and I wanted him to die and Dad said not to say that because everything happens for a reason. And then Dad wanted us to go to court to see that bastard go to jail and it’s like, why do we have to go if everything happens for a reason? Why do I have to see that asshole who killed my mom and why isn’t she coming back? Why did God do this to us?”

In my family, there was never a strong presence of any religion around. My mother and my other family members would never confirm nor deny their belief in any god or religious system. I had asked my mom as a child why we did not go to church every Sunday morning the way Eddy’s family did. She only replied by saying that she did not want her beliefs to affect mine and that she wanted me to find my own set of beliefs as I grew.

So there was nothing I could say to Eddy when it came to God. I did not know God like he did. I knew the general stories told from the Bible but I did not know every sin and every blessing and every saint. Eddy’s beliefs were different from mine.

“Ed, I think that your dad is right, in a way. I believe in destiny and I believe that it was your mom’s time to go. I know it hurts,” I shrugged as I tapped Eddy’s hand back.

“But why her?” Eddy stared over at his family.

I sighed lightly as I thought out my words. I licked my lips before starting out carefully, “Everyone dies, Ed. It’s a painful inevitability that we all must accept. It’s just another painful fact that your mom had to go before the rest of us.”

Eddy was quiet for a moment before whispering, “I miss her already.”

I glanced over at the burial to see that Mr. Devereux was holding Freedom tightly in his arms. She had her arms wrapped around his neck. His hand was buried in her hair as he pressed his lips to her forehead. I could see him look over our way for a few moments before turning to acknowledge Mrs. Devereux’s parents, who were whispering something to him. As large as the funeral crowd was, it did not seem complete without Eddy there.

“I don’t know much about the afterlife, Eddy. I don’t think anybody does. I don’t know much about Heaven either but I do believe that there is a place we all go to when we die,” I told him softly. “Your mom is there and she’s watching over us and she’s happy and she’s waiting for you so she can hug you again. You’ll see her again, Ed.”

“Yeah,” Eddy whispered, “I will.”

My jaw set and my gaze hardened as I assessed Eddy’s posture. I knew exactly what he was thinking and I did not like it at all. It was one thing to mourn the death of a loved one. It was another to contemplate suicide just to see them again.

“Edward James Devereux, don’t you dare think about it. Your mother loved you. She wouldn’t want you thinking that way,” I told him as I held two of his fingers in my palm.

Eddy nodded absently but I knew he was not hearing what I was saying clearly. I sighed as I slid myself closer to him.

“My mom and your mom were best friends. And I know for a fact that if I thought about that and my mom found out, her heart would break. Just like your mom’s heart would.”

“Yeah, well, her heart can’t break. She’s dead,” Eddy said in a hollow voice.

“Your mom’s not dead, Eddy. She’s just away. You’ll see her again. But not yet. You need to live a full life for her. She already lived out her life. She had a job she loved, a man she loved, and kids she loved. And now it’s your turn. You think your mom would want you to kill yourself and miss all that?”

Eddy rubbed at his left shoulder absently before licking his chapped lips. “Can’t leave Dad and Free behind.”

“No,” I shook my head. “You can’t.”

“Can’t leave you and Mama D, either.”

“I would hope you wouldn’t, man.”

It went quiet, with only the sound of birds singing and voice of the priest below to ring out in the cemetery. I always expected funerals to be dark and rainy and depressing. But instead, the day was hot and shining and though people were crying, I could see hints of smiles as people spoke of Antonia Devereux and what she did for their lives. It was not anything what I expected. In a way, it felt wrong that such a sad day would be so bright. But on the other hand, it felt exactly like how Mrs. Devereux would have wanted it.

“I feel her everywhere today,” Eddy said. I looked over at him to find that he was swaying back slightly with his head tilted and his eyes closed. “I feel her in the sun and the wind. Every time a dew drop falls on my neck, I feel her. Every time I hear a bird, I feel her.”

“Good,” I stated, causing him to freeze. “You should. Don’t forget her. Know that she’s with you always and that she’s not really gone.”

For the first time, Eddy looked over at me. The absent look in his eyes was gone but I could finally see what he was hiding. I could see every pain that he had as his eyes watered and he let out a shaky sigh. His tears fell without him blinking. He sniffed just once before he leaned forward and put his head on my shoulder. I rubbed his back with one hand as he continued to tap at my other hand.

“You really believe that she’s here?” he asked.

“I do,” I nodded.

He nodded slowly before he leaned back. Eddy rubbed at his eyes tiredly before looking back up at me. I gave him a comforting smile before gesturing to go back down. I climbed down the tree first, with him following after me. We stood together under the shade of the tree, closing our eyes as a soft breeze went by. After we brushed the dirt off of our pants, we started to make our way to funeral party, where they were finally lowering Mrs. Devereux’s casket into the ground.

Eddy froze a few feet away, unable to take a step closer. I stared ahead as they lowered her deeper and deeper into the earth. I could hear Free asking everyone why they sending her mama away and I knew that Eddy was barely handling it. When I heard him let out a sob, I took a small step closer to him before wrapping one arm around his shoulder, causing him to turn around to wrap his arms around my waist and bury his face in my neck as he cried.

The sun seemed hotter than ever but the gentle wind that floated by eased the sting on my face. I closed my eyes as I hugged my best friend tighter than ever and tried to ignore the sound of crying. Just like Eddy, I could feel Antonia around me. She would not have wanted all this. All the black clothing and all the crying. No, she was the type of woman who would have wanted everyone to go to a carnival or just hang out in the backyard instead. She would have wanted us to simply be happy and remember her fondly.

Even though I truly did believe that Antonia was all around us and even though I did believe that we all go a special somewhere after we died on Earth, I could not help but to break down and cry and mourn the loss of such a beautiful woman. She was like my second mom and I felt Eddy’s pain. Things were going to get a lot harder and I knew each member of the Devereux family were going to drift just a little bit farther away without her. In that moment, all I felt was the combined pain of each and every single person present. Even if I did believe that it was her time to go, it was still unfair that it was she of all people who had to die.

Yeah.

That was the first funeral I ever went to.