Just Admit That You Love Me

I sat there staring at the pictures on my computer. The photos of Mikenna and I from our entire three years of dating. I started from the beginning, looking through the ones where we had just started dating and I had been wearing braces. God, how did she even start to like me in the first place? There were photos of us at the beach, her legs wrapped around me while I gave her a piggy back. There were photos from the day I brought her to my friend Andrew's house, whom she had met briefly before but hadn't really talked to. There were photos from Christmas and birthdays, from Valentines Day and March Break. There were so many photos gathered throughout the years and we always looked happy in them. Why had I been so stupid?

I stopped flipping through the photos once it landed on one of just Mikenna by herself. It was a photo from this year taken at the Winter Carnival that happened every year. She had her tongue sticking out at me and her green eyes were squinting. She looked so cute in her black toque with her hair -that she had decided to straighten that day- sticking out of the sides. I remember snapping that picture while we were waiting in line for the frozen maple syrup treats. It made my heart hurt just looking at it.

All I could think about was Mikenna and how she knew. How hurt she must be right now just thinking about what I did to her. What Tristyn and I both did to her. If I wasn't an idiot, I would have never started hooking up with Tristyn six months ago. I would have stopped it before it started, stating that I had a girlfriend who I loved very much that I could never imagine hurting. But I didn't stop it. I continued it for months behind Mikenna's back, hardly caring about how hurt she was going to be if she ever found out. I never really knew what I had until I lost it.

Tristyn texted me last night and told me that Mikenna knew about us. She tried calling me all night but I ignored her and tried calling Mikenna this morning. It was no use though, she didn't want to talk to me. I wasn't sure if she was ever going to talk to me again after this. I was so mad at Tristyn for allowing her to find out. What was wrong with her? I told her I was done; was this her payback for breaking things off with her?

I continued staring at the photo thinking about how much we laughed when we were together. We've had our fare share of fights, but we always worked through them. Mikenna has always been the type to talk through her problems. I guess not anymore though or at least not with me anymore. She's decided that I'm not worth her time anymore and I can't really blame her. I couldn't lie and say that it wasn't fun hooking up with Tristyn because it was. But was it worth losing Mikenna over? Definitely not. I loved her. I needed her. I just wanted to be staring into her beautiful green eyes like I could before. It doesn't help that I'm a plane away from her and seeing her, even just to sort this out was out of the question.

I grabbed my phone off my computer desk and dialed Lauren's number. If Mikenna wasn't going to answer me then maybe Lauren would. Lauren and I usually got along, or at least I thought we usually got along, so maybe she'll give me the benefit of the doubt. I crossed my fingers and waited patiently for her to pick up. I guess patiently wasn't a good word since I was pretty much shaking with anticipation, but I was waiting nonetheless.

"What do you want, Rylee?" I heard Lauren say through the phone. I didn't even care how angry she sounded at me. I just wanted her to listen to what I had to say or at least put me on the phone with Mikenna.

"Just let me talk to her for a second," I pleaded. "Please." I could hear the desperation in my voice and I hoped she would hand the phone over to Mikenna so we could talk. I just needed to explain myself even though there wasn't much to explain. I was an ass; end of story.

"She doesn't want to talk to you." She said it so bluntly, clearly not sparing my feelings at all. I started thinking about my life without Mikenna in it and I couldn't. It seemed impossible when she has been such a big part of it for the past three years.

"I just need-" I heard the phone shuffling around on the other end and my heart sped up. I was praying to god it was Mikenna and not Lauren trying to hang up on me. The shuffling stopped and I could hear faint breathing on the other end. "Mikenna?" I asked hopefully.

"What?" She said quietly. Her voice sounded strained, like she was forcing the words out. I hated it. She had never been so mad at me that she had to force herself to speak to me. Ever. It hurt so bad I could barely stand it.

"I just..." I took a long pause, unsure of what to say. What was I supposed to say? Now that I had her on the phone I couldn't think of the right words. "I'm so so sorry, Mikenna. You don't understand just how sorry I am."

"Were you thinking about how sorry you were when you were fucking Tristyn?" I cringed at the harshness in her voice. In all the years I'd known her she had never spoken to me that way. She had never spoken to anyone that way actually. I swallowed hard, a little scared for the rest of the conversation.

"I wish I could take it back. Mikenna, listen to me, I never wanted to hurt you. I just got-"

"You never wanted to hurt me? Rylee, you slept with my best friend," Her voice cracked when she said 'best friend' and I felt a lump rise in my throat. "How could you do that me. How could you!" I could hear the pain in her voice and it broke my heart. How could I? Hearing her voice now and thinking about how I may never get her back left me with no other answer than I have no idea. How could I? How could I have done this to her?

"Mikenna," I said, my voice cracking. "I love you. You have to believe that." I heard her laugh on the other end and knew that that was definitely not the right thing to say, no matter how much I meant it. She didn't care for how much I apparently loved her. She didn't care how sorry I was. She just didn't care.

"Rylee, you don't love me." She said through her laughter. It was the kind of laughter that mocked you, that taunted you, to let you know how stupid you were. "You don't do that to someone you supposedly love. You don't screw around behind their back."

"Mikenn-"

"Why are you even calling me anyways? What do you think is going to happen? I will never forgive you for this. Not today, not tomorrow, not months from now, not even years from now. I don't even think I could handle looking at you." I couldn't hold the tears back anymore, they just kept escaping. Leaving me just like Mikenna was.

"No. No, Mikenna. Just please," I could hear the sound of tears in my voice. I knew she could tell I was crying. She's only ever seen me cry once which was when my dog died at the end of tenth grade. She had to realize how much she meant to me. "I will do anything to make this up to you." I just wanted her in my arms again, to be able to trust me again, but I knew that would never happen. Not after this.

"I'm done, Rylee." She said softer this time. "I'm just done. Don't call me anymore, don't text me, don't email me, don't ever talk to me again. Do you understand? I don't want to ever hear your voice again." I swear my heart stopped beating for a second at the meaning of her words.

"Please, Miken-"

"Bye, Rylee. Have a nice life." And then the line went dead. I had been leaning over my chair while talking to her and had forgotten I had been looking at that photo of her. I sat up and stared at it, wondering if she was really never going to speak to me again for as long as she lived. I don't know what I was thinking. I didn't want things to end like this. I wanted to marry her, even if that sounds crazy after what I've done. All I know is that I need her and I don't know how I'm possibly going to survive without her in my life. I spent the last three years of my life with her, and I really did love her. Now she's gone, out of my life forever. And I'm just sitting here thinking about how screwed up I am to have done anything with Tristyn at all. I left the picture of her on my screen and stared at it for so long my eyes hurt. I was already crying, my heart breaking. She looked like she was taunting me, with her tongue sticking out like that, and in a way she was. I was an idiot, this is what I deserve.