Just Admit That You Love Me

Ever have those nights where everything goes from being extremely good when it starts to extremely complicated when it ends? That was what tonight had been for me. I thought that Braxton and I were just friends, that’s it and I thought that he considered us as just friends but for some strange reason I get the feeling that there is more to it than just an old friendship.

When I was kissing him earlier tonight, it felt so right. It felt like it was just us against the world and we were bound to accomplish everything we’ve ever wanted. Kissing him felt like the world was finally making sense to me, but then I pulled away from him and suddenly the world had become more blurry and complicated than ever. It had become a living hell and not because we kissed but because I felt myself wanting more of him, wanting all of him, wanting him in ways that I had never wanted Rylee.

I love Rylee though; I mean I’m head over heels for him so why is he pulling back from me? Why is he making me feel like he doesn’t want me anymore? Why is it that I felt more love and passion in that kiss with Braxton than I have with him in 6 months? Why am I lying down on my bed at 5 in the morning watching Braxton sleep and wondering why he kissed me like Rylee should have been kissing me?

I decided that I wouldn’t read much into the kiss with Braxton because although my instincts are telling me otherwise, I know that it didn’t mean anything at all to him or me. There was another kiss though, with Ethan. I thought that he was into Lauren but it turns out that his friend was interested in Lauren and he was interested in me. Well, he was interested in the girl he thought I was, a girl who would get naked for anyone and kiss him even if she had a boyfriend.

I kissed him but it was forced. It may not seem to make any sense right now, but I didn’t want to kiss him he just sort of attacked my face and when I realized that hitting him was doing nothing I just stopped and waited for him to finish. I didn’t slap him like I did to Braxton I simply just got up and walked back to the hotel where I was yet again kissed.

I hadn’t really been paying attention to the time difference because we had just got here so I didn’t exactly know what time it was where Rylee was but I knew he would most likely answer no matter what time it was. I took my cell phone off of the end table beside my bed and dialled the number to Rylee’s cell and waited for him to answer. He answered after 3 rings.

“Baby, I’ve missed you,” He said, answering the phone. I smiled and sighed before answering him. Hearing his voice gave me warmth and then a heap of guilt washed over me when I realized what I had done. I decided that somewhere in the conversation I would let him know what happened. I hate lying to him; it just doesn’t sit well with me when I do.

“I’ve missed you too,” I whispered into the phone, trying not to talk so loud that Braxton could hear. I couldn’t help but bring my hands up to my lips to feel the smile that wouldn’t erase from my face. I turned on the lamp a tiny bit by touching it lightly with my finger tips. I love how the lamps here did that.

“I have some stuff to tell you and you are not going to like it,” I quickly changed my mind and decided that Braxton’s kiss didn’t need to be told, just the one with Ethan. I knew that he’d probably yell at me and so I walked out of the room quietly and shut the door softly and sat down with my back against it.

“Is it bad news?” He said worried, “What, did you already meet someone else?” I smiled at his jealousy and then sighed into the phone. I could hear his breathing on the other side of the phone and I could hear Bree shifting in his bed through the door. I took a few moments to think about how I was going to say this. I needed to say this in a proper way so that he didn’t freak out too much.

“Just know that I love you and you are the guy that makes me happy,” I said smiling into the phone and my very true words. I felt my stomach tie in twisted suffocating knots after that worried about what his reaction might be. It didn’t mean anything and it was just a kiss but who knows what his reaction would be.

“You sound like you’re about to die,” Rylee said mocking me in a light playful voice. I laughed a little bit and then the stomach knots came back and I felt my hands shaking. What if he read too much into it and he broke up with me? What if everything in our relationship went to shit because of what I had done?

“No, um, Rylee, this guy kissed me tonight,” I said holding my breath to see what he would say or yell to me next. I heard him sigh into the phone and waited patiently for him to talk. I was getting anxious with him because he went without saying anything for around 2 minutes but I wasn’t about to push him after the horrible thing I had did to him.

“Did you kiss him back?” He said with a sigh and I knew he was doing that thing where he puts the phone up to his ear and scratches his head with the other hand so that his elbow was in the air. I wanted so badly to be with him right now because I missed his adorable ways and the way he would hug me from behind and nibble on my ear. Sitting here on the phone with him thinking about everything made me realize how much I missed him already.

“No,” I said trying not to think about the Braxton kiss. “I didn’t,” I felt him sigh on the other end. Is it just me or is he sighing a lot right now? I held my breath waiting to see what his final reaction would be. I half expected him to just hang up the phone and I half expected him to just start yelling at me.

“Its okay, Mikenna. I’m not mad at you,” He said and my face lit up and went into an immediate smile. I got up and walked back into the room, knowing that the worst was over and that I could sit on my comfy bed and talk to him without waking up Bree. I guess it didn’t really matter before either because he was a heavy sleeper but I didn’t want to take my chances.

“Why aren’t you mad? I mean to be totally honest with you I’d be pissed if I was in your position,” I said clutching my knees and resting my chin on top of them. I looked over at Braxton to make sure he was still sleeping and smiled at him because he looked so calm and peaceful.

“Well to be totally honest with you, I know that you didn’t want to kiss him and so it’s alright. And I wouldn’t ever dream of doing anything like that to you,” He said sweetly. I smiled through the phone and hugged my knees tighter to my chest. How much I loved this boy words will never explain. I felt butterflies in my stomach for some reason when I turned my head back over to look at Bree but ignored them and concentrated on Rylee.

“God I miss you so much,” I sighed imagining his warm body pressed against mine in a tight embrace. I miss how he used to kiss my cheek and then the corner of my lip before kissing my lips. Whenever he did this though, I knew that the kiss was going to be passionate and amazing. I’ve had him in my life for song, I haven’t really gotten a chance to be away from him and now that I am, I’m worrying even when I know I don’t need to be. It’s not like he’s hooking up with girls, because he’s not like that and I trust him.

“I have a confession,” He said into the phone and I felt my stomach tighten. He had a confession about what? I did not like the sound of those words at all and they brought a sour taste to my mouth. “I sorta, kinda, went out and booked a flight for Cuba for not this weekend but next weekend,”

“Seriously!” I shouted jumping up in my bed immediately. I squealed out some more in happiness and then tried to calm myself down. I completely forgot that I was supposed to be very quiet so I wouldn’t wake anybody up but that quickly escaped my brain when I heard those words; such beautiful words come out of Rylee’s mouth. No matter how much it was probably healthy to take a break from each other, I just couldn’t wait to see him.

“Yes,” He said and I could tell that he was smiling on the other end. “I wanted to book it for this weekend but I knew that it would be too soon because you just got there this morning and so I booked it for next weekend. I’m only staying for a weekend though and so I’m think that I might come down again sometime in August,”

“Yes, yes, definitely! Rylee, I can’t wait to see you and show you this place. It’s so beautiful here. And we can spend forever on the beach. It’ll be so great to have you down here!” I couldn’t help but be extremely happy. I think that I was this happy more because he was confessing to cheating on me than to actually coming down, but I missed him already.

“Okay, well I’ll give you a call tomorrow. Alright, babe?” He said in that sweet to die for tone of his. I started to think about everything good that would come of this trip. Rylee was actually going to be coming down to see me and who knows what would happen. Maybe things will be different when he’s here and our relationship will blossom and become stronger and better.

“Okay I love you, talk to you tomorrow,” I said in a sad cute voice. He said he loved me and then the line went dead and I just sat there looking at the phone like it was about to perform a damn magic trick. He sounded like he was in a rush at the end of that conversation and he was never one to rush the ending of our conversations before. I tried not to worry about it though because I was trying my very best not to be one of those obsessive jealous girlfriends.

I heard Braxton shit in his bed and turned to look at him. I jumped a little bit when I saw his eyes staring at me because everything was dark and all you could see was the whitening of his eyes. I smiled at him and he smiled back and sat up. I felt bad because I knew that it was most likely my fault that he was away in the first place.

“What’s going on?” He said rubbing his eyes and looking over at me intently. I smiled because I couldn’t hold it back and then ran over to him and hugged him. I had forgotten all about the earlier events of the night but didn’t really care about it anyways. This boy was always going to be there for me through everything and he always told me the truth so that was a bonus.

“Rylee is coming down!” I squealed lying down with him. It didn’t really bother me that he was in his boxers because I had seen him in his boxers millions of times before. I looked over at him and I could tell that he was fake smiling and it felt like he was keeping something important from me.

“That’s great, Mikenna!” He said trying to be enthusiastic. I looked over at him and studied his face; something was definitely wrong with him. He was a guy though and I knew that he most likely was going to be stubborn with me. I hugged him under the blankets and I felt his arms hug me back so tight and comfortably.

“What’s wrong?” I asked resting my head on his stomach. There was something so comforting about Braxton but I couldn’t pin point it out; he was just a comfortable guy in general. I could feel my eyes getting sleepy but forced myself to keep them open because I needed to know what he was going to say to me.

“Nothing is wrong?” He said questioning me but I couldn’t answer him because I had drifted so far off that I was most likely never going to wake up. I let the dreams take over and I could feel myself smiling before I was fully asleep and it felt good to smile the way I was smiling.