Of Confidence

Melanie lay in bed for at least another two hours before she could sleep, and when her eyes finally closed she wasn’t at ease. She couldn’t help but to let her thoughts wander back to the boy next store; the confrontation she thought she’d have to wait for until tomorrow night.

Knock, knock, knock. Her eyes opened faster than ever had before in her life and nerves took over her body. She looked over to the clock next to her that read: 3:45, and rubbed her eyes of sleep. She let her eyes drift to her balcony door where a shadow could be seen on the glass door.

Melanie knew it was him. She knew that he climbed her wall, falling into her backyard. She knew that he pulled a ladder out from the storage shed and laid it against her balcony. What she didn’t know was what he wanted.

She picked herself slowly out of bed, making sure each footstep was as silent as the last all the way to the glass door. She inhaled deeply before opening the door and taking away the one thing that stood between her and John.

Melanie tentatively looked up into his beautiful green blue eyes, her heart pounding like it always did at the remarkable sight. She surveyed the worry in his eyes as he stared down into hers.

Melanie finally tore her eyes away from his silently as she surveyed her balcony. There were candles lit all around, and a radio sitting on the ledge. She turned her gaze back to John who was clad in black jeans, a white button down t shirt, and black Toms. His hair lay messily on his head, few strands making their way into his eyes.

"I'm sorry I missed your prom," he said quietly. "And, I'm sorry I left you."

Melanie stared at him in silence as she listened to the words she had wanted to hear him say for so long; those words that pieced her back together. She didn’t know how long she was speechless until he spoke again, his angelic voice…

"Melanie, please say something," John pleaded.

Melanie tore herself away from the trance he always seemed to put her in, and remembered all the things he had done to her. "What do you want me to say, John? What do you want to hear? Because what you did to me was wrong," she said in a forceful whisper.

"I know, okay? I know I hurt you, Mel. I know I did. Do you know how bad I feel?"

"Do you know how bad I feel, John? I gave my virginity to you and you left! Do you know how cheap I feel? I've never been more self conscious in my life."

John looked away from her and covered his face with his hands. "I'm so sorry, Melanie."

"Sorry doesn't change anything," she realized. Sorry wouldn’t take back the pain she had experienced, no matter how badly she wanted it to.

John was quiet for a few minutes. "You're beautiful. You know that?"

"Shut up, John."

Melanie wouldn’t let him play these games with her again, she couldn’t…but it was hard. She still got butterflies in her stomach as he spoke those words to her, she still felt like a million dollars when she listened to the sincerity in his voice.

"No, Melanie! A girl like you shouldn't be doubting or feeling bad about herself because of a boy! You're too good for that," he said.

It was only a matter of time before she broke down into tears, and as John opened his arms, she automatically fell into him. She let him hold her tightly against his chest as she let his Axe cologne soothe her quivering body. As he ran his hands up and down her back comfortingly she came to comprehend that she needed him more than she thought.

"John, why did you leave?" She mumbled against his chest.

He sighed. "Because I shouldn't have let what happened happen, Mel."

Melanie pulled away from him. "What? Why not?"

"Because boys like me doesn't deserve girls like you. You need a boy like Kennedy."

"But I want you!" she yelled, truthfully.

John closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair, "How could you possibly still love me, Melanie?"

She sighed before covering her face. "How did you know I loved you?"

"I've known for a while, okay?" He said quietly.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Melanie asked, her entire body radiating with embarrassment.

"Because I..." He groaned and tasseled his hair.

"Because you don’t feel the same," she said sadly to herself, every gleam of hope escaping her being.

"No, of course not,” he said before pausing. “Because I, because I love you too, Melanie."

"You-you..I need to sit down," she mumbled all at once.

John took her hand softly in his leading her into her bedroom to take a seat on her queen sized bed. Out of all the thoughts that should have been going through her mind there wasn’t one. “Can you repeat what you just said please?” She said quietly.

He sighed. "I love you."

Melanie had never felt more confused in her life. It was becoming a game; a card game. First, she was excited; Diamonds. Then, she was angry at him; Spades. Third she felt like a cliché teenage girl madly in love without a care in her mind; hearts. And lastly, she felt guilty for being so angry at him when he was just as confused as she seemed to be; Clubs. But she was unsure of which suit she would win the game with.

"Melanie, please say something."

"I don't really know what to say, John. How long have you felt that way?" she asked.

"A few years."

Melanie became angry as she chose her suit; Spades. "How can you do the things you do to me then, John? You flirt with me, shamelessly, but you won't make a move. You get super angry when I even think about another guy! You sleep with me, take my virginity, and take off! No calls, nothing. You call that love John?"

John took her hands in his as he looked down shamefully. "I flirt with you because it's as close as I can get to being with you. The thought of you being with another guy literally makes me want to shoot myself. I slept with you because I let my guard down for five minutes, thinking I could somehow control myself around you. I never called because the thought of your voice alone made me want to leave the tour. And, I left because I felt guilty. Guilty one, because I took your virginity, which goes hand in hand with two, I am not good enough for you, Melanie. And yes, it's love because I would rather be completely miserable and alone then to be with you and hurt you more."

Melanie softly chuckled as she changed her suit to Clubs. "You hurt me, because you were afraid of hurting me."

"It sounds stupid when you say it like that," John mumbled.

The two were silent for a few minutes as Melanie thought about everything he had said to her, and she was confused as she accepted that she was already forgiving him. "Why is my balcony covered in candles?" She asked, looking out her door and back outside.

"I owed you a dance from prom," John said, a small smile on his lips.

"Well, let's not waste anymore time then," Melanie chuckled nervously letting him lead her out onto the balcony. He pressed play on the radio as she listened to the music to “Take My Breath Away” begin to play quietly.

John grabbed a white daisy from next to the radio as he approached Melanie, and placed it behind her ear. "May I have this dance?" He asked.

Melanie nodded her head as she took her place in his arms where she always felt like she molded perfectly against him. She laid her head against his chest as he rested his head on top of hers. Her arms were wrapped around his neck tightly and John let his hands rest on the small of her back, his fingers working intricate circles in the amount of exposed skin that her loose t-shirt and pajama short allowed.

Melanie was still hurt, but somewhere in those four dances she found the will to forgive him.

John slowly lifted his chin from Melanie’s head and looked into her blue eyes. "You're beautiful," he whispered.

Melanie smiled. "John, how is it possible that I've already forgiven you?"

She watched as his face slowly drained of color. "Mel, don't speak so soon..."

She felt worry capture her stomach as he pulled his body away from hers. “What are you talking about?”

"Just get some sleep. Tomorrow's going to be a long day," he said while turning off the radio, blowing out the candles, and once again, leaving her alone and in the dark.