Of Confidence

The first time she did it, it hurt the most. It was the hardest to stop crying over, and it was the easiest to forgive herself for.

Melanie watched as the red liquid poured down her arm, bits of it falling onto the counter below her, staining the Clorox white counters. She didn't understand why she felt so good. Through the pain it caused as the air met with her open wound she someone found control; a feeling she thought she had lost a few weeks ago.

Ever since that night every hour of every day stretched out longer, every second turned into minutes, and every breath felt like a lifetime.

Melanie would be lying if she said she hadn't made progress in the past week that it had been just her and Kennedy, something about him made her feel somewhat normal again, but she wasn't okay in the long run...and pretending she was wasn't helping her much either.

Melanie heard a tapping on her bathroom door, as she instantly grabbed for her wrist that was painting the counter red. She grabbed a piece of toilet paper and quickly secured it to her wrist, stopping the bleeding little by little.

"You okay, Mel? You've been in there for a while, just wanted to make sure you didn't fall getting out or something," Kennedy said through the wood.

Melanie washed her wrist under the water before removing her towel from her damp hair and using it to cover the mark. "Yeah I'm fine, just uh-just drying off!" She stammered, pulling boy shorts over her butt on a long sleeve t-shirt over her bust.

"Okay, well I have the movie and popcorn ready whenever you are," he replied, and Melanie listened to him stalk off in the darkness of her house.

She looked at herself in the mirror. Her bruises had gone away almost completely and the cuts were now just minor scabs. To anyone else she would look completely fine, just as if her cat scratched her once or twice. After two weeks of trying to tell her mind that she was okay she was almost beginning to believe the lie herself.

Melanie placed a Spiderman band aid over the swollen cut on her wrist, and pulled her sleeve over the wound hiding it completely. She put some chap stick on her lips quickly and walked down into the living room where the only light to be seen was from the DVD menu of The Notebook.

She chuckled as she took a seat next to Kennedy, pulling the popcorn from his lap and placing it into hers. "You feeling romantic, Kenny?"

She saw him smile out of the corner of her eye. "Oh yeah," he responded, a laugh in his voice.

Melanie turned her eyes to him and couldn't help the smile on her lips. He was wearing plain blue skinny jeans that had slight tears in the knees and a loose fitting Hollister tank top. His hair was a purposely placed mess and his chin hadn't been shaved for a few days.

"Stop looking at me like that," he said, teasingly causing Melanie to hide the blush that was appearing on her cheeks.

She smiled as she thought about the past few days that she and Kennedy had been spending together. Out of anyone in the world he was the boy she needed with her, he was the only one who honest to God made her feel safe. As of right now he was the only boy she wasn't afraid to be attracted to, and to want.

Melanie listened to the instrumental music of the opening of the movie, letting it calm her thoughts. She felt anxious and for the first time in weeks it wasn't because she was scared; it was because of the boy sitting next to her.

It was the fact that his hand was only a mere inch away from hers. It was the detail that every so often he would shift on the couch and she couldn't tell if with each movement he got closer to her or if it was just her imagination playing games.

She was anxious because she wanted him to want her, and that surprised her.

Melanie listened to Kennedy's soft laughter as the couple on the screen danced in the street. She surveyed him as his eyes turned towards her, observing her face carefully. “Are you even watching the movie, or can you just not take your eyes off of me?”

Melanie nervously smiled, her eyes attaching to his almost instantly. She could see in his eyes that he didn’t understand that she honestly couldn’t take her eyes off of him; he didn’t understand how much she needed him right now.

He looked at her, his expression softening, “Are you cold?” He asked, and she swore she could hear nervousness in his voice.

She nodded her head tentatively and slowly moved closer to him as he welcomed him under the blanket he had previously pulled over his legs a few moments ago. She moved next to him so that their sides were touching and she could feel his warmth through her shirt from his skin. Kennedy swiftly put his arm around her shoulders, rubbing down her arm comfortingly, after a while stopping to let his hand rest on her arm, holding her tightly.

Kennedy looked down at her, worry on the plains of his cheeks. “Is this okay?”

Melanie nodded her head, biting her lip softly. She instantly became aware of the small distance between their faces. She could see the stubble on his chin growing in, and she could feel the warm heat of his breath falling onto her lips in an uneven pattern. “K-Kennedy,” Melanie began apprehensively.

“Yes, Melanie?” He asked, his eyes never leaving hers and his lips keeping the same distance.

“I really want to kiss you right now,” she said softly.

She watched as desire flickered in his eyes, and before she could let the gleam be covered by his worries of her state of mind for the past week she pressed her lips to his passionately.

Melanie felt as he went frigid under her lips, every movement he could be making not making its way to his lips, but this didn’t stop her. She pressed her lips to his again, softly taking his bottom lip in between hers.

She pulled away from him, her breathing becoming rougher out of nervousness. She placed her forehead against hers, trying to soak in the new emotion that had become foreign to her: happiness. Sitting there kissing Kennedy made her feel safe, made her feel so good that his green eyes didn’t even seem to bother her.

Even though it was only seconds, Melanie felt as if she was waiting for minutes for Kennedy to do something…anything; and he did.

Melanie felt her breath catch as Kennedy pushed his lips onto hers gently, fervor burning behind his motions. She pushed against him, his back resting against the back of the couch, her body straddled over him; his hands cupped her face and his lips continued crashing onto hers. He pushed against her, ecstasy to every part of her body. She sighed into his mouth as he deepened the kiss, but as she moved her tongue against his she felt him push her away forcefully.

He held her shoulders tightly, pushing her away from him. “Melanie, this isn’t you,” Kennedy said softly, his breathing more rugged than before.

Melanie looked at him confused, frustration in her veins. “Of course it is, Kenny.”

She reattached her lips to his, and moved them down to his neck as he avoided her mouth. “Stop, Mel. This isn’t you at all…you, this isn’t normal. We aren’t going to do this right now.”

She let her lips fall in to a scowl as she looked away from him, her arms crossing over her chest. “Kennedy, I am fine.”

“Well, I’m not,” Kennedy said angrily, standing up off of the couch running his hands through his hair. “You are not doing this because you want me, Melanie. You are doing this so that you can feel control.”

“Oh thanks Dr. Phil,” Melanie replied, rolling her eyes.

“Melanie, you have always had control of this relationship. Don’t start using that more than you already have,” he said sadness apparent in his voice.

“Kennedy, you have never once told me to stop,” she replied, outraged.

“John comes back tomorrow, Melanie. What happens then? Are we going to date now?” He said sarcasm in his voice. He stared at her for a split second before answering for her. “No, I’ll tell you what’s going to happen. He’s going to come back and make everything feel okay again and you will go running back to him and I’ll get my heart broken, again.”

Melanie looked at him, shame replacing the good feeling she had had.

“Look, I know you’re going through a hard time right now, but this isn’t why you are running to me right now. I’m here and I’m convenient, but you are a heartbreaker, and I cannot make that mistake again, Melanie.”

She felt as tears began forming in her eyes, staying silent for a moment. “Where is all this coming from, Kennedy?”

He sighed, running his hand through his hair. “Years and years of watching you fall in love with my best friend.”