Primitive Instincts

R I V E R

In the middle of the night, i was still awake. My body just wouldn't shut-down. I couldn't force myself to sleep when by this same time next week, i would most likely be dead. Gone. Forgotten. Except not by everyone. Me dying would probably kill Max too. I was all he had. I was like a mom to him.

It was like my body was forcing me to remember and enjoy my last days on earth. Rejoycing at the happy memories, and forgetting the bad ones. So that's what I did. I went back as far as I could remember, and thought of all the happy things.

It was weird but i could vaugely remember my third birthday. It was at chucky-chesses and when that giant rat thing had come out i had cried. But then my dad had picked me up and recited the same poem i always told Max. That was the happy part. Remembering my dad loving me.

Parents dying. Skip.

Being adopted. Skip.

Bringing Max home. Now that was a happy day. I was a big sister! I had this tiny, squishy little human to play with. He was so pink and fat and i remembered thinking he was just like a ball. When he first saw me, he opened up his mouth and laughed. That was the first laugh he'd ever made. And it was because of me. He walked his first steps to me too. That had given me this warm, fuzzy, motherly feeling.

Growing up. Skip.

Meeting Embry. That was by far my best memory. He had changed everything of course. He was probably the reason i was going to die. He was the reason i had to drop out of school. But i wouldn't take back meeting him for the world. I was just as much to blame. It had been me who had talked with him and let him pick me up and spin me around in the rain. I let him kiss me. That kiss...it made everything worth it. It was like each and every little thing I'd done in my life led up to meeting him. Maybe i felt this way because he was the first guy that ever really cared. He was the first one to go after me when i walked away from Kim. He helped me up when i fell. He was my crutch. In the times when i felt like slipping into dark memories, he always lead me away from them. Because everything lead back to him in my mind. Always. No matter how many routes they were to take they all ended up at one destination. Him.

All the paths...except the one i was on. That one lead to no where. To nothing. To...

No. I said to myself. You're thinking of happy things.

But that was it. Those were all my happy memories. It was pitiful. Most of my life had been bad memories. The good ones had been really good. And the best ones were about Embry, a guy I'd talked to only three times, but felt like I'd known my whole life. I would miss him so much, wherever i was going when i died...

Stop. I thought to myself again. Thinking about him hurts too. You know that. You know that thinking about him makes you wish you had more time.

But what else was there to think about? Max's crying face when he saw me, the look of pure terror? Yea, that's a good thing to think about.

Just then, the door opened and i heard two little feet patter in. Max.

"Rivur?" he whispered, crawling into bed next to me. It hurt but i only had a little time left with him. I wanted to cherish it.

"Hey." i whispered back, pulling him closer to me.

"Arw you gonna be okay now?" he asked, putting a hand on my face.

I touched his hand and traced the little fingers. They were so small. Childrens hands never failed to facinate me. I wouldn't lie to him. I wasn't going to be okay. But i wasn't going to tell him the truth either.

"Did you know, that the day mom and dad brought you home, i just about cried because i was so happy?" i asked him, not really wanting an answer. "When they walked through that door with you, i jumped out of my chair and ran to the door so i could be the first to see you. And you were so cute. I wanted to hold you but you were too small, so i would just sit there and stare at you when you sat in your crib." i laughed lightly. I knew he was listening, because he was just that kind of kid. He clung to every word i said. "And sometimes you would just stare up at me with these big blue eyes and i would talk to you. And i swear you could understand me. You were so smart. I loved you more than anything." i said. Then i kissed his little hand and ruffled his hair. "I still love you." i whispered. I felt him nod.

"I luv you too Rivur." he said. We fell into a comfortable silence. This might be one of the last times we talked for all i knew. "Rivur?" he suddenly asked.

"Yes?"

"Say the magic words." he pleaded, rolling over to face me.

"Okay." i said, my eyes filling up with tears. Who was going to say the magic words to him once I was gone? Would he just lay awake at night, waiting for someone to say them? Would they even tell him i was gone? I got a horrible image in my mind of him sneaking into my room in the middle of the night, only to find i wasn't there.

"'The time has come' the Walrus said,

'to talk of many things.

Of shoes---and ships---and sealing wax

of cabbages---and kings.

And why the sea is boiling hot?

And whether pigs have wings?'"

We didn't speak after that, and Max eventually fell asleep in my arms.

"I love you Max." i whispered tearfully in his ear, before trying to fall asleep myself.

< <<<<<<<<<<<<<

It must have been three when i heard a tapping on my window. It was light and consistant. At first, i thought it was a branch falling against it because of a wind. But then i wasn't sure. Being me, i was afraid to turn around.

"River." I heard. I knew that voice. I would know it anywhere. It made my heart leap and my stomach sink at the same time.

Oh Embry why did you come here?I thought, but didn't turn around. I wouldn't be able to explain the cuts, or even the remaining bruises. It would be too hard. I would end up breaking down and telling him everything while he was standing outside my window.

I couldn't do it. Not with my parents sleeping two rooms over. So i laid still and tried to pretend i was still sleeping. It was the hard. I wanted to badly to turn over, open the window and fling myself into his arms.

No.i commanded myself.

The tapping grew a little louder. "River open the window. It's me."

I know it's you Embry, and im so so sorry.

The tapping continued for about five more minutes. Then it died away. I couldn't tell if he was still outside, just standing there. I couldn't hold it in any longer though.

I let out a heart-breaking sob. I pulled Max a little closer to me and buried my face in his hair. I tried to quiet myself but my chest was hurting too much. I had most likely missed my last chance to ever see him again. And now he was gone.

Stupid girl. You don't get a happily ever after.I thought, before dissolving into even more sobs.