Primitive Instincts

R I V E R

The next morning I felt...good. The pain was subsiding and I got to go to school today, and possibly see Embry. I had dreamed about him, as completely lame as it sounds.

We were together, in this little house near the beach, and we were happy. It wasn't one of those spectacular dragon and magic filled good dreams. But it felt so real, like if I hadn't woken up I could have stayed there forever. That's what had made it amazing.

Still, there was that part of me that warned me not to get too excited. If my mom or dad ever found out I had an interest for one of the guys on the reservation...it would be bad to say the least. Those were Crystal's boys and Crystal's territory. Even though I went to school there.

I would have to be careful. I couldn't get in too deep with him. It would just end up hurting me. I kept trying to convince myself that i wasn't too deep yet but...I still felt like I already was. I had already buried myself and there was no way out of it now.

So during the walk to school I tried to focus on anything but Embry. It proved to be impossible. No matter what subject i started to think about, it lead back to him somehow. My brain was just hard-wired to think about his face and his touch. It was all so unreasonable and amazing that it scared me more than i'd been scared of anything in my life.

Except...the red eyes. These feelings weren't as scary as those. Nothing was. That was one thing that would keep my thoughts away from Embry. Thinking about them. I didn't want to think about those eyes though. They made me shiver and get that eerie feeling like someone is watching you.

I shook the thoughts away as I neared the school. Embry was 16 so he must go here. Maybe i had just missed him yesterday...

"Hi!" shouted a voice way too close to me to be directed at someone else. I jumped and spun around to find a pretty girl of medium height, with long black hair and the same skin tone as almost all of the kids here. She was pretty. But I still didn't know her.

"ummm...hi." i said, feeling sort of shaken because of my thoughts of earlier.

"I'm Kim. I saw you talking to Embry yesterday." she said, and gave me this smile like she knew something I didn't.

"Ummm you did?"

"Well, no but Jared told me about it."

"And Jared is...?" I was feeling completely lost.

"My boyfriend, and one of Embry's friends. Apparently he wouldn't shut-up about you." she giggled, wiggling her eye-brows at me. I felt myself blush and looked down at my shoes.

"Ummm that's...nice.." i trailed off, feeling extremely and terribly awkward. I never was big on talking.

"It's okay, it's a good thing." she winked at me, and I couldn't help but smile. "You're in my Calculus class. Wanna sit with me?" she asked. I wasn't used to the open friendliness she offered, but immediately liked it.

"Yeah, sure! That'd uh, that'd be great." she nodded and we started walking into the school together, chatting about nonsense. It was easy talk, no hard question, and I could answer them all truthfully.

As we walked into the hallway that was stuffed with masses of bodies, I tried to peer at faces and find that familiar one but couldn't focus.

"So umm, does Embry go here?" I felt kind of stalkerish asking but she seemed to expect it, like she was used to this kind of thing.

"No. He dropped out." she stated. There was no judgement in her voice, just acceptance of what was.

"Really? I didn't know you could do that at 16." i felt like i should have felt disappointed at him for dropping out or weariness of someone who didn't take their education seriously, but I didn't feel any of that. It just seemed...predictable almost. Like I had already kind of known. After all, how could I have NOT seen him?

"Well, he didn't do it formally really, he just kinda stopped coming. Jared dropped out too, along with a bunch of their other friends. It's just that they know that they're gonna spend their lives here and what they're gonna do so they don't see the point." she explained. It almost sounded like she was defending them, but there was really no need.

"Oh. I can understand that. I had absolutely no idea what in the hell I'm doing with my life." I laughed, but only because I didn't want her to know how serious I was. The only thing I liked to do was take pictures. There wasn't much else. "I guess I'll sell my pictures or something." I said, shrugging and looking down at my camera.

"Embry mentioned that you liked photography." she smiled, and I felt that heat on my face. Had he really listened that well to me? And talked about me that much? The thought of it made my stomach do gymnastics.

"Yeah, it's kind of a passion of mine."

"Maybe I can look at some of your pictures sometime." she said, but it was more like a question.

"Yeah, that'd be great! I need someone to tell me whether they suck or not." i laughed. It felt weird to be doing this. Making plans, laughing, talking like a normal teenager.

I almost wished she could see through me, see what I was thinking. I wished I could let her know what kind of girl i really was. What I'd been through. Maybe it wasn't all hopeless. Maybe she could get me out of there...

I opened my mouth to speak, to tell her about my home life, to confess, and then snapped it closed before i even got a syllable out.

Max!! My mind screamed at me. I just couldn't abandon him. Before I had opened my mouth there had been this growing sense of possibility and hope. But as soon as my mouth closed my stomach dropped and I felt sick.

I had no way out.

"I think I'm gonna be sick." I said, and rushed off to the bathroom.

As I leaned over the toilet seat, puking out my stomach acids, I felt like my world was collapsing around me. Things were changing, and I didn't know if I wanted to stop them. I had never come close to telling anyone before, and now I had almost told a complete stranger.

"River?" I heard Kim call from outside the stall. I was a little surprised that she knew my name but, if Embry had been talking about me i guess it made sense.

"I'm fine." i called out, thought my voice was horse and my throat was raw from the acids in my stomach.

"Are you sick? Do you need to go home?"

"No I'm just..." Trapped. I thought. Between a rock and a hard place. "I just drank some bad milk this morning." I said. Wiping my mouth off and opening the door.

Kim was waiting outside with a concerned look on her face. It was also stern though, like what a mother shouldlook like when their child is sick.

"Really Kim, I...I'm fine now. I'm actually really hungry." i said, as an after thought. I wasn't usually one to prompt people for things, but I was feeling weak and light-headed form the lack of food.

"Well didn't you eat breakfast?"

"I..." i trailed off. I couldn't tell her that I'd barely eaten for the past two weeks. That would be suspicious. She seemed to catch on that i didn't want to talk about it and nodded.

"I'll buy you lunch." she smiled, and I didn't protest. As strong as I was, I needed someone to help me up when I fell.