Primitive Instincts

R I V E R

Kim bought me lunch and, although i ate everything she bought me, the food settled badly in my stomach. I wasn't used to having a decent lunch and my tummy wanted to reject it and throw it back up. I forced it to stay down though. Things were getting riskier at home and i needed to stay at least a little healthy before the next beating. I knew it was coming. There was that growing sense of tension in my bones, like i could feel it already. I tried to lie to myself that i was over-reacting each time i got that feeling but, so far, it had never been wrong.

Kim was nice and friendly and kind of talkative but almost kind of shy, like me. I wasn't really shy though, on the inside i was always screaming and yelling and cracking jokes and making rude comments to the teachers. I just didn't have the heart to put those built up feelings and conversations into words though. So i didn't. I let them sit in my mind. It had been that way since i was 11. Never talking enough, never sharing enough. It was why i had never really had any friends. They took that attitude as anger or sarcasm or some kind of weird anti-social disease.

Kim didn't mind though, she could see that i really didn't know what to talk about so she supplied a comfortable amount of conversation, and i added in from time to time as she told me about her life on the res. She talked about Jared a lot, it was like whatever she was talking about led back to him. It was like how i thought about Embry. But the thing was, I had met Embry once, for like, ten minutes, while she had been dating Jared for a while. I was starting to think i had attachment issues.

"So where are you from?" she asked, as we headed out the door of the school, into a light drizzle.

"Chicago." i said. The name of the city didn't bring back any good memories or make me smile or frown. I had no memories there that were good, so i had no reason to miss it.

"Oh so you're a city girl then?"

"I guess you could say that." i nodded, throwing in a half-hearted laugh.

"Hey do you wanna take a little walk on the beach?" she asked, motioning towards the road that lead to the rocky shore.

Crystal had a tease strip class today, although my parents called it dance class, so my mom and she would be there. I had to pick up Max in another two hours and my dad was out of town on some kind of buisness trip. I had time.

"Umm sure. Why not?" Inside i was wishing with all my heart that Embry was at the beach, and we could talk some more. Suddenly i was very aware of what i was wearing and i wondered what my hair looked like and if my teeth had anything in them. I quickly ran my tongue over them to check and found that they were fine.

Kim and i walked silently down the the shore and started picking our way over the rocks, heading to a big outcropping near the end of the beach. It was nice not talking, and just enjoying the time with our thoughts.

Embry was the center of my thoughts, so at first, i thought i was imagining his voice carrying across the wind, but then i realized it was really there when Kim turned and smiled.

She took off running across the beach and straight into the arms of one of the guys that was walking towards us.

I could barely register that she left my side though, because, along with the same guys from yesterday, Embry was walking in my direction. He was smiling this breath-taking, heart-breaking smile that made my legs feel like they were about to give out beneath me. I started to walk towards him, resisting the urge to run, and trying to appear less eager than i was.

"Hey." i breathed when i got to him.

"Hey." he replied, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his sweats. He wasn't wearing a shirt again, and it took everything in me not to do a double-take of his body. I would at least put up an effort to not appear so desperate. And lame. And self-conscious.

"So ummm, what's up?" i asked, severely confused on what to say.

"Not much. I was just hanging out with some friends of mine and we decided to take a little walk. I see we weren't the only ones with that idea." he said, nodding to me.

"Yeah well, i wanted to get some more pictures. I think i need to get out into the water though and it's still too cold for that." i said, choosing to look down at my camera instead of into his eyes. I knew that if i did he would be able to tell i was lying. All i had really wanted was to see him.

"So do you wanna walk a little then?" he asked. "We didn't really get to talk that much yesterday..." he trailed off, seeming utterly disappointed. I felt guilty for rushing off yesterday, but tried to remind myself that it was stupid to feel guilty. YOU DON'T KNOW HIM!!!! my mind screamed, trying to push away the feelings that were clouding my brain.

"Sure!" i replied, a little too enthusiastically. The other guys that had been with him were standing off, near Kim and Jared and they all seemed to be focused on everything but Embry and I.

Embry turned with me and we started to make our way further down the beach. Th wind was starting to pick up and it blew my hair into my face making it hard to see. I pulled it into the hairband i had brought with me, trying to seem cool about it but struggling to pull the band around my thick wad of hair.

The wind also made the rain fall harder and the temperature drop, so that i got goose-bumps. I tried to hide my shivers and glanced to see that Embry seemed completely comfortable, but was looking at me with concern.

"Are you cold?" he asked. I opened my mouth to say no, but my teeth started chattering so i shook my head no instead. He rolled his eyes and threw an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his side. The way he did it made me feel like we did this all the time.

He was so warm that i didn't try to pull away, not that i would've anyways. His body felt so good against mine, like we belonged like this. His arm fell over my shoulders comfortably and we walked in sync.

We just.....fit.

My heart was wearing itself out, thumping so hard in my chest and i waited for it to calm down but it didn't. at first i thought it was just because i wasn't used to this kind of leasurley and non-violent contact but then i had to admit it to myself. This was so much more. The butterflies in my stomach were going crazy and my head felt all light and my breathing didn't feel even. Just one simple, casual touch and i was about to collapse from the feeling of it. Embry Call you've got me wrapped around your finger don't you? I thought, but smiled anyways.

We didn't have to talk as we walked along the beach, and the wind and rain didn't bother me anymore. Embry was just so warm. It almost felt like he had a fever. Like he was sick. But he seemed at ease, like his body was always like this. I didn't understand how he could stand the rain without a shirt on, but i didn't ask any questions. I didn't want to ruin this moment.

I wanted to rip my camera out and have someone take a picture of us like this, so that whenever i couldn't see him, i could hold the picture close to my heart and pretend he was there.

You sound like a stupid, love-sick little girl. I thought, and i was right. I was so completely head over heels for a boy i didn't even know. I felt like i didn't have to know him though. Like I was always meant to love him.

I had admitted all of this to myself by the time we reached the end of the beach, and also decided that i would never say any of it out loud. At least not now. Not this soon. Maybe not ever. Because I felt like this was the calm of the storm, like something was surging forward, threatening to take me away, and things were about to get a lot more complicated.

We darted under an overhang of rocks, like some kind of half cave thing. The rain stopped pounding us and i could actually hear myself think clearly.

"Are you still cold?"

No."Yes." i said, not wanting him to remove his arm. He pulled my closer to his side and i gladly allowed it.

We stood there like that for a little bit, just watching the rain pour down outside of the rocks.

"You're so warm." i commented before i realized what i was saying. He laughed and just nodded, not denying it or confirming it. I knew he was though, he seemed like he didn't want to talk about it. "And you're not wearing a shirt. You're gonna catch a cold." i said, feeling smug that i at least had a hoodie on.

"I don't think i will." he said, as if challenging me.

"Well you're wrong." i said, smiling to myself. Embry was the only one who could bring out the joking happy side in me, who could push past the shy barrier.

"Oh am i now?"

"Yes." i said, keeping my answers short and to the point.

"Well if i get sick then you'll have to get sick too..." he said, a cheeky smile appearing on his face.

"Embry, what are you...?" Before i could get any farthur he swept me up in his arms and carried us out into the rain, spinning us around so fast that when the water hit us, it bounced off.

I was so focused on the fact that he was holding me that i barely had time to fake an annoyed scream. Even then i knew it wasn't very convincing.

"Embry Call im going to get pnemonia and die and it'll be all your fault!!!" i screamed, kicking my feet, but being careful not to hit him.

"You were just walking in the rain with me though!"

"Soooo? Now put me down! I have to go babysit my brother!" i screamed, and it was true. It was time for me to start heading back.

"Oh so you'll walk away from me in the rain but you won't let me spin you around in the rain? he asked with mock hurt. I rolled my eyes at his childish behavior.

"Damn it Embry put me down!" i scolded, hitting his chest with my fist and wincing when i did.

He set my down lightly on the ground and i took off towards the road. I would be a little late if i didn't hurry.

"What no kiss goodbye?" he shouted from behind me. I felt my cheeks flare up. I knew i was probably bright red but, as i turned to face him, i hoped the rain would conceal it.

Embry had said it jokingly but he probably had no idea how much i wanted to run into his arms and place my lips over his. It would be....wow. Just the thought of it almost made me hypervintilate.

I was trying to act calm though and cool, like seeing him shirt-less and dripping wet, asking for a kiss didn't make my heart pound so fast you could barely hear the individual beats. No, he couldn't know that, or he would know just how completely pathetic i was. Only over him though, no other guy could ever affect me this way. I somehow just knew that. Embry was the one and only.

"Not today." i teased, and then turned and sprinted away before i could change my mind. I shook my head at myself as i ran up the road. I had already told myself not to get in too deep. Already i was struggling to keep my legs running away from him instead of backwards and straight back to him and his amazingly sexy face and oh my god his body was just... Stop it!!! I screamed at myself. That is exactly what you shouldn't be doing!

I couldn't control it though, and in the back of my mind, i knew i really didn't want to.