Primitive Instincts

R I V E R

I walked to school so fast that next day I was panting when i entered homeroom. I probably looked all sweaty and gross but i didn't care. My sleep had been troubled with nightmares and i had overslept because of it. I shivered with fear when i thought of them.

They were so...vivid. Almost like a memory but not quite. There were red eyes and screams and for some reason i was deathly afraid. I wanted to wake up. I needed to wake up! I couldn't though! I knew i was dreaming but i was trapped inside my own head. I hated nightmares, but night terrors were way worse. I would take a nightmare over one of those any day.

I tried to focus during class, tried to keep my mind from straying but it was nearly impossible. I had been so distracted this morning i hadn't even bothered to grab my camera. Kim noticed that i seemed a bit off and wasn't as talkative today. I wanted her to be talkative though. I wanted her to distract me. I knew she would talk about Jared though, and that would bring me back to thoughts of Embry.

Embry....it was so...uplifting to think about him. It sent tingles through my body and i wanted to squeal like a little girl. I wanted to talk about him and blush about him and daydream about him. He was all i wanted to think about.

That wasn't good though because that's how i would get caught. It would be horrible if Crystal found out! If Crystal had her "proof" I would be done for. I would be in Hell.

That was the truth of it. I would never leave that house again most likely. I would be beaten every day. I would be worked and whipped and cut until i died. That was probably their ultimate goal. To kill me. They would succeed one of these days. My body couldn't take it. I always felt weak and tired and sore. I felt like my muscles were ripping open and i was falling apart. It hurt like a mother and there was nothing i could do about it.

It sucked.

"Are you okay?" Kim asked, interrupting my self-pity session.

"Yeah. I'm fine." i answered quickly, returning my eyes to the paper in front of me.

48y 6< |6x-4|

I started to work it out and then started thinking of Embry again.

No! I scolded myself. You are doing math, not thinking about boys!

That was basically my main train of thought through-out the day. I probably looked like a zombie but i didn't care, it took everything in me to remember where i was and what i was doing at the moment.

Then the bell rang and i darted out of the school. I ran past Kim before she could invite me anywhere. I knew myself enough to know i wouldn't decline. Any oppertunity to see Embry would earn an instant yes. But that was a chance I couldn't take. I had to pick up Max, and i had to stay away from Embry today. I was paranoid and i didn't want him to get suspicious. I didn't want to lie to him about what was bothering me. I was too weak around him and now was not a time to be weak.

I heard Kim calling after me but i kept running, willing my thin, weak legs to run up the road and out of the reservation before i could change my mind. I slowed to a walk as i began walking down the main road, clutching at my side and hoping to God that this pain in my side would pass. It didn't though, it was like a permanent stich. My body really was falling apart. It was no longer starved because I just never ate. I didn't get to bring money to school. I was barely functioning.

My thoughts were all cloudy and confused. But i pushed on, making my way to the day-care. When i reached it, i knocked on the door lightly, waiting for it to open. When it did i was greeted by the friendly face of Mrs. Anna, the owner and main operator of the day-care.

"Hello hello hello! I'll go get Max for you. Come on in it's raining out!" she said. I hadn't even noticed it. I gladly stepped into the warm building and watched as the many kids and toddlers ran around playing. "How are you doing today River?" she asked, motioning silently for Max to come over. He saw me and his face instantly brightened.

I had only picked Max up a few times since we had moved but he already had little friends and Mrs. Anna already knew my name. She was the kind of person you couldn't help but love.

"I'm doing fine." i said. It was a rehersed line and i pulled the fake, painful smile onto my face. "How are you?"

"Good. Lots of work to do with all the little ones. You're looking awfully thin. Are you sure you're eating enough.

If only you knew, i thought.

"Yea i just am doing a lot of sports and always seem to burn off the fat i need. I laughed. also a rehersed line. Max came running up with his rain jacket and rain boots on, ready to go home. "Ready to go buddy?" i asked. He nodded furiously.

"Good-bye Mrs. Anna!" he shouted, much louder than necessary.

"Bye-bye Max. Bye River. You take care now!" she called after us as we headed back into the rain.

"You too!" i called back, letting my fake facade drop as we made our way back towards our street.

"Rivur, why are you so skinney?" he asked, poking at my stomach.

"I do a lot of sports..." i trailed off. It felt weird, lying to my own family, but i had to because Max had a big mouth and would tell anyone who listened that our parents didn't feed me.

"Weally? Like what?"

"Umm like...track..and um...softball and....swimming and cross-country."

"Wow that's a lot of spowts." he smiled, showing the hole in his mouth where he had lost his front tooth. Of course, in our family, the tooth fairy didn't come. They didn't care enough.

"Did you have fun with the other kids?"

"Yea. I have a gurlfwriend now." he smiled.

"Oh yea and what's her name?"

"Kimmy." he stated, like it was completely normal for him to have a girlfriend.

"Is she cute?" i asked, nudging him slightly with my elbow and laughing when he covered his face and laughed hysterically.

"I don't know!" he screamed, hiding his face again.

"Okay then buddy." i said, walking him up the porch steps and preparing for the next few hours. I walked through the door and was instantly being hounded about the laundry.

"God River! I've told you a thousand times that i like my socks ironed! Is it that fucking hard? You are so useless i swear!" My mom screamed, tossing a sock at me. It hit me in the face and fell to the ground. I left it there. "Well pick it up you piece of shit!" she screamed again. I cringed and picked it up, leaning down to Max's level.

"Max why don't you go to your room and color okay?" i said, putting on my best smile. He nodded and trudged up the stairs, seeming confused by our mom's actions and words.

"Go iron the laundry and then i want you to go up and clean the gutters, the rain has been ruining them. And while you're at it you might as well wash the toilets." she added as an afterthought.

"Okay" i said, not bothering to complain. I didn't have the strength to complain, or to fight. I walked back out of the house and cleaned the gutters first. Then i cleaned the toilets. Then i did the laundry. The whole time my mom was cooking dinner and the smells taunted me. Finally i was done and i retreated to my room.

Things felt so much worse now. Now that i had something to compare this lifestyle to. It just made everything seem darker and more hopeless.

During all the beatings in the past i hadn't cried. I would never give them the satisfaction. Now, i wasn't as strong. I felt so broken and sick. My stomach was caving in on itself, pulling the fat from my skin and muscles to fuel itself. I could feel myself slowly dying. They would need to feed me soon or i would end up in the hospital.

As all these thoughts swarmed inside my head like insistant gnats i let a single, terrible tear fall down my cheek. They were going to break me this time. I could just feel it.