Primitive Instincts

R I V E R

The weekend was torture. I didn't see Embry. It nearly tore me apart. That and the fear that filled me every second of every day. I could barely feel my legs anymore and my vision was always foggy. I was scared. I didn't want to die. I needed to stay alive! To protect Max. He needed me. And i needed him.

I was worked until my hands were red and raw and bleeding. I was worked until i could barely move any part of my body. They were wearing me out. I wouldn't be able to take the next beating. Not without weeks of rest afterwards. Rest they wouldn't give me. I was like a slave.

I was more afraid of going to school though. What if he saw me? What if he noticed the cuts. What if he noticed how thin i had gotten. What if he decided i was much too ugly for him to show interest in? Wow. I thought. That's what you're worried about? You.are.dumb.

Monday came anyways, despite my worries. Apparently the rest of the universe didn't care what was going on in mylife. It carried on, day by day, without realizing how crazy and jacked up my life was. So I followed my routine. I got up so early that birds weren't singing and got dressed. For the first time in a long time, I found something to sneak that they wouldn't notice. I gladly ate the old baby food and then grabbed my back pack.

It seemed a lot heavier, or maybe it was just that I was that much weaker. I tried to ignore it though, tried not to feel the fear that shot through me when I realized how thin my arms were. I looked like an anorexic patient. Or someone with some other kind of messed up eating disorder. I looked like shit.

My hair was dry and limp, like there was no life left in it. My body couldn't spare any nutrients to make my hair look nice. My lips were cracked and on the verge of bleeding. I pushed my way down the road though. I needed to get to school. I needed to keep my grades up. I remembered my camera, although i knew i shouldn't go to the beach. I probably wouldn't. I might see him.

Even though my heart burned and twisted itself into knots i knew i shouldn't talk to him. That would be proof enough for him. I was always nervous that there would be a guy with a camera hiding in the bushes.

I trudged into class, in a daze. I honestly didn't know why i came to school. I couldn't focus. I couldn't think straight. I felt like i was already dead. The teachers noticed too, because several of them kept asking if i was okay. Kim asked a lot too. She bought me lunch again. My stomach rejected it though. It was so un-used to food and i ended up throwing it back up. I didn't let anyone know that though. They might send me home, which was the last place i wanted to be.

I didn't talk except when necessary. I didn't have the strength. The clock ticked by, seeming unnaturally slow. The rain poured relentlessly outside, pounding against the windows. I wanted to curl up in a ball and never move again.

My body was moving as if on it's own. I wasn't really doing it. I just felt my limbs doing what they were supposed to. Like a ghost was possessing me. I had no control over it. No control over anything.

When the last bell rang i couldn't help but jump. I saw Kim in the hallway but couldn't run away. She caught up to me as i walked into the rain.

"Hey River! Do you wanna hang out at Sam and Emily's house?" she asked, trying not the stare at my thin form. It was easy to notice. My clothes hung off of me oddly.

"Um...who?"

"Sam and Emily. They're really good friends of Jared and Embry. I'm sure Emily would love to meet you considering how much Embry talks about you." she smiled.

Don't say that. I thought. That makes it harder to say no. Thinking about him awoke a kind of instinct in me. To go wherever he was. To be with him. To stand at his side. I ignored the instinct though. I couldn't risk it. I wouldn't.

"I'm sorry. I can't today. I have chores." i said in an almost monotone voice. I couldn't even recognize myself speaking. Kim's face grew concerned and she reached out to touch my arm. She seemed to flinch away from the sheer thinness of it.

"River are you sure you're okay? You look really...weak." she said.

"I'm fine." i said, trying to pull a smile, i was sure it looked more like a grimace though. "I have to go now." i said, and turned and walked away. I didn't look back. I didn't wait for her response. I walked up the road, towards the long stretch to home.

I couldn't make it though. Half-way home i knew that. My body felt so weak and heavy and like dead weight. It was like my muscles couldn't carry my bones. My back-pack wasn't helping either. Neither was the intense pain in my stomach and lips and...everywhere.

I dropped my back-pack, feeling myself come to a stop. The rain had soaked through my clothes, leaving me shivering. I felt my legs give out beneath me and i crumpled to the ground. I waited to regain some strength but it didn't come. I had none left.

After i realized that i waited for the rain to just wash me away. That didn't happen either though. So i just sat there for a little bit.

Then i heard something behind me. I sounded distinctly like a car and i heard it rumble to a stop beside me. I heard the car door open and slam but couldn't understand what was going on. Then i saw him, standing right in front of me.

For some reason he yet again wasn't wearing a shirt. All i could think about was how good he looked. How perfectly the rain fell off of his face and body. How warm he was as he picked me up and carried me to the car. Then i was sitting on a seat that felt cushioned and warm. The rain was no longer pounding against me. Embry was sitting beside me, looking at me anxiously.

"River?" he asked, taking my hand in his. It felt so good. It warmed me up instantly and i squeezed his hand, trying to draw strength from him. All i could think was how much i had missed him. He moved closer to me, trying to get my attention. I was off in lala land. "River talk to me." he said urgently this time, growing towards panic.

"Hi Embry. Thank you for picking me up off the road. I was just tired. Can you take me home now?" i asked. I should have pulled my hand away. I should have tried to make it seem like i wasn't interested, but i couldn't force myself to do that.

"River i think we should go to the hospital. You don't look so good." he said, starting up the engine.

"No. Take me to the street before my house. Yes. Take me there." I said, not sure what i was saying.

"River i really think-"

"No Embry. Take me home." i said, trying to stop the tears from gathering in my eyes. I blinked them away and focused on his hand. I took my other hand and put it on top of his. The size comparison was so crazy! His hand was so tanned and big and mine looked so small and pale. So pale it almost looked blue.

"Okay River." he nodded, noticing my dazed expression.

The car ride was silent, until we got close to my street.

"Stop here." i said. Riding in the car had helped me regain some strength. I would be able to make it home. I didn't want to though. I wanted to stay in the car with Embry. I wanted to stay there and keep holding his hand and feeling warm.

We sat there for a while. I could feel his eyes on me but i tried to focus on our hands.

"River, what's wrong?" he asked, pulling my chin up so i had to look at him.

"Nothing's wrong." i said. It was the most generic answer/lie ever. I knew he could see right through it.

"Don't you bullshit me." he whispered. He seemed to be almost begging me to talk to him. I want to Embry! I was screaming inside my head.

"Please Embry....don't." i said, looking into his eyes. They were swimming with too many emotions to count. One was quite distinct though. Love. I didn't believe it though. There was no way in heaven or hell that he could love me. Before i could doubt myself anymore he leaned closer to me.

I felt my heart speed up.I could feel his warm breath on my lips and found myself holding my own breath, waiting for what would happen next.

He leaned in closer and closer until...our lips touched. It was the simplest, most wonderful kiss. His lips were warm and soft against mine. They made me forget everything else but us. His hand cupped my cheek and i leaned closer to him, deepening the kiss. I moved my lips against his, loving the feel of them. My heart was beating so fast i knew he had to have heard it. I could feel the heat in my cheeks but didn't care. It was me and Embry. That was it.

Then there was a car horn behind us and it ended. Just like that the best moment of my entire existance was over. Because of a stupid car horn. And i knew i had to leave. I had to go home. Back to the place that made me feel dead when Embry made me feel alive.

"I have to go now." i whispered, my forehead resting against his. I heard him sigh but he nodded.

"Okay. I'll see you soon." he said, almost like a threat. He knew i'd been avoiding him and this was a warning that i better stop, because he liked to be around me.

"I'll see you soon." i said, grabbing my back=pack and climbing out of the car. It was the most painful lie I'd ever told. It pierced my heart and sent it plummeting to Earth. When i had felt his lips against mine, it had been flying, but that lie had been the bullet that ended it's flight.

I knew, deep inside, that kissing him would start something.

I slammed the door shut and turned my back on the car, daring to look back once to wave. Wave good-bye to my last chance at freedom.