Status: For a contest.
Letters to No One
May 31, 2010
My dearest Humphrey,
Why, hello there! I suspect that in the near future we will become close friends.
Or rather, close enemies. Muahahahaha. Afraid? Yes, you should be afraid. You see, you are but a mere figment of my imagination, and thus I can do whatever I want to you. [Insert maniacal laugh here.]
Anyway, as I’m sure you’ve been noticing (or maybe you haven’t), my life’s been kind of... well, just plain shitty lately. And as I’m sure you know (or maybe you don’t), I tend to blame things on myself a lot. Basically, I’m writing to you because I’m tired of blaming myself.
So what does that have to do with you? Simple. I’m choosing to blame you instead of me from now on. Let’s get started, shall we?
First off, I was not at all pleased with you today when you stole my hat and blamed it on the wind. I really liked that hat! It was all pretty and pink and sparkly and it was my favorite hat and I went home and cried today because I’ll never be able to wear it again.
And second, why did you trip me in the hallways today? I was really embarrassed! I can’t believe you would actually do something like that. It wasn’t very nice, Humphrey! It wasn’t nice at all and I think you should know that I am very, very, very, very, very angry at you for it! I’d curse flaming profanities at you if I wasn’t afraid of my mom finding this letter! So instead I’ll just replace the bad words with food. Yay food!
Fudge you, Humphrey! Fudging fudge you and your fudging marshmallows! I fudging hate you and you should probably go chocolate ice cream in your pants so that everyone can laugh at you and then you’ll be the embarrassed one. We’ll see how you like it, then, hmm?
But alas, I think that’s enough for today. After all, it’s only your first day on the job. And so, a few parting words...
Farewell, my dear Humphrey.
...Eh, good enough.
~*♥Love♥*~,
Rebecca
P. S. I want my hat back one of these days.
Why, hello there! I suspect that in the near future we will become close friends.
Or rather, close enemies. Muahahahaha. Afraid? Yes, you should be afraid. You see, you are but a mere figment of my imagination, and thus I can do whatever I want to you. [Insert maniacal laugh here.]
Anyway, as I’m sure you’ve been noticing (or maybe you haven’t), my life’s been kind of... well, just plain shitty lately. And as I’m sure you know (or maybe you don’t), I tend to blame things on myself a lot. Basically, I’m writing to you because I’m tired of blaming myself.
So what does that have to do with you? Simple. I’m choosing to blame you instead of me from now on. Let’s get started, shall we?
First off, I was not at all pleased with you today when you stole my hat and blamed it on the wind. I really liked that hat! It was all pretty and pink and sparkly and it was my favorite hat and I went home and cried today because I’ll never be able to wear it again.
And second, why did you trip me in the hallways today? I was really embarrassed! I can’t believe you would actually do something like that. It wasn’t very nice, Humphrey! It wasn’t nice at all and I think you should know that I am very, very, very, very, very angry at you for it! I’d curse flaming profanities at you if I wasn’t afraid of my mom finding this letter! So instead I’ll just replace the bad words with food. Yay food!
Fudge you, Humphrey! Fudging fudge you and your fudging marshmallows! I fudging hate you and you should probably go chocolate ice cream in your pants so that everyone can laugh at you and then you’ll be the embarrassed one. We’ll see how you like it, then, hmm?
But alas, I think that’s enough for today. After all, it’s only your first day on the job. And so, a few parting words...
Farewell, my dear Humphrey.
...Eh, good enough.
~*♥Love♥*~,
Rebecca
P. S. I want my hat back one of these days.