Status: For a contest.
Letters to No One
June 2, 2010
Dear Humphrey,
I am so fucking mad at you that I’m not even going to bother with a friendly introduction or censoring of profanities! I am so fucking mad, Humphrey! You’re an asshole! You’re a fucking asshole and you should be locked up somewhere in a place where the rooms are soft and rubbery and they force you to wear those funny jackets that make you hug yourself! Only I don’t really want that because if I sent you to an insane asylum I wouldn’t have anyone to blame stuff on. And then I’d probably make up a new imaginary enemy and lock that one up in the insane asylum too, and the cycle would continue. So that wouldn’t work.
Anyway, I’m supposed to be really mad at you, and you know what, Humphrey? I AM. I AM SO FUCKING MAD THAT I COULD BASH YOUR STUPID FUCKING IMAGINARY HEAD IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was my sister’s seventeenth birthday today, as I’m sure you know, and I was so excited to be baking her a cake because she never likes anything I do but she loves my baking. She told me she wanted chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and as many chocolate toppings as possible.
So I looked in the pantry, but WE HAD NO CHOCOLATE FROSTING. You stole it, Humphrey. I know you did, so don’t even try to hide it, you little fudgesicle, you. So you know what I had to do instead? I HAD TO USE VANILLA. I HAD TO USE VANILLA FROSTING ON MY SISTER’S BIRTHDAY.
And then I started making the cake batter, and everything was going perfectly fine until I started to pour the milk in. You just had to go and push me, didn’t you? Well, you know what happened? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?! Of course you do, but I’m telling you anyway as part of your punishment. LIKE HALF OF THE FUCKING GALLON OF MILK FELL INTO THE CAKE. Not only did it make the cake taste horrible, but now I don’t have any milk left to drink!!! FUCK YOU, HUMPHREY.
But I went on making the cake anyway because I didn’t have any cake mix left to bake another one, and I put it in the oven for twenty-seven minutes--the minimum amount of time that the package said the cake was supposed to take to finish. So I thought, hey, twenty-seven minutes, that’s like half an hour! I could do something relatively productive in that amount of time. I thought I might read a book or write a story or something, but you know what I did anyway, Humphrey? I know you do, so don’t even pretend like you don’t.
HUMPHREY, I FELL ASLEEP BECAUSE YOU DRUGGED MY MILK WITH SLEEPING PILLS. By the time I woke up the cake was totally irreparable! If I left it in there for even a second longer, the entire house could’ve burned down! AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT, HUMPHREY, IT’S ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!! SO FUCK YOU!!!
And then, when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I started to light the candles later and the whole thing suddenly went up in smoke! I didn’t know why until I figured that it must’ve been YOU to blame, Humphrey! You poured alcohol all over that stupid cake, didn’t you?! I’m pretty sure I saw you do it, too, so don’t even think about lying to me. I see the truth, Humphrey. I always see the truth, and you know that better than anybody.
It was extremely rude and not funny at all, I’ll have you know. So thanks, Humphrey. Thanks for ruining my sister’s seventeenth birthday for her and for me.
From,
Rebecca
P. S. Even if the cake was good, I wouldn’t have given you a piece. And I still want my hat back.
I am so fucking mad at you that I’m not even going to bother with a friendly introduction or censoring of profanities! I am so fucking mad, Humphrey! You’re an asshole! You’re a fucking asshole and you should be locked up somewhere in a place where the rooms are soft and rubbery and they force you to wear those funny jackets that make you hug yourself! Only I don’t really want that because if I sent you to an insane asylum I wouldn’t have anyone to blame stuff on. And then I’d probably make up a new imaginary enemy and lock that one up in the insane asylum too, and the cycle would continue. So that wouldn’t work.
Anyway, I’m supposed to be really mad at you, and you know what, Humphrey? I AM. I AM SO FUCKING MAD THAT I COULD BASH YOUR STUPID FUCKING IMAGINARY HEAD IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was my sister’s seventeenth birthday today, as I’m sure you know, and I was so excited to be baking her a cake because she never likes anything I do but she loves my baking. She told me she wanted chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and as many chocolate toppings as possible.
So I looked in the pantry, but WE HAD NO CHOCOLATE FROSTING. You stole it, Humphrey. I know you did, so don’t even try to hide it, you little fudgesicle, you. So you know what I had to do instead? I HAD TO USE VANILLA. I HAD TO USE VANILLA FROSTING ON MY SISTER’S BIRTHDAY.
And then I started making the cake batter, and everything was going perfectly fine until I started to pour the milk in. You just had to go and push me, didn’t you? Well, you know what happened? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?! Of course you do, but I’m telling you anyway as part of your punishment. LIKE HALF OF THE FUCKING GALLON OF MILK FELL INTO THE CAKE. Not only did it make the cake taste horrible, but now I don’t have any milk left to drink!!! FUCK YOU, HUMPHREY.
But I went on making the cake anyway because I didn’t have any cake mix left to bake another one, and I put it in the oven for twenty-seven minutes--the minimum amount of time that the package said the cake was supposed to take to finish. So I thought, hey, twenty-seven minutes, that’s like half an hour! I could do something relatively productive in that amount of time. I thought I might read a book or write a story or something, but you know what I did anyway, Humphrey? I know you do, so don’t even pretend like you don’t.
HUMPHREY, I FELL ASLEEP BECAUSE YOU DRUGGED MY MILK WITH SLEEPING PILLS. By the time I woke up the cake was totally irreparable! If I left it in there for even a second longer, the entire house could’ve burned down! AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT, HUMPHREY, IT’S ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!! SO FUCK YOU!!!
And then, when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I started to light the candles later and the whole thing suddenly went up in smoke! I didn’t know why until I figured that it must’ve been YOU to blame, Humphrey! You poured alcohol all over that stupid cake, didn’t you?! I’m pretty sure I saw you do it, too, so don’t even think about lying to me. I see the truth, Humphrey. I always see the truth, and you know that better than anybody.
It was extremely rude and not funny at all, I’ll have you know. So thanks, Humphrey. Thanks for ruining my sister’s seventeenth birthday for her and for me.
From,
Rebecca
P. S. Even if the cake was good, I wouldn’t have given you a piece. And I still want my hat back.