And Then He Kissed Me On MTV

Time is nothing.

Nothing at all. Not after this year. Not after everything that's happened. My life, my dreams, my everything, it's all down the drain. I guess I could go with that stupid phrase "I have no one to blame but myself." But what else COULD I say? Nothing. Nothing could make me feel any better than this.

I'd been in the psychologists office for two months after I was released. One year. One year of this secret bullcrap psyche stuff and I'm still clueless about my life. About my dreams, about myself. My real self.

The person I was, and the person I am are two different things in my opinion. Maybe my attitude hasn't changed but the lack of knowing has caused me to stray. I'm not the same person without my past, my knowledge. Though I remember alot it's just not half as much as I thought I'd remember.

Why have I been so desperate that I secretly met a psychologist to find out what was wrong with the inside of my brain!

Secretly? Why? Well I had my suspisions. I think... I think I was brainwashed.

Now, I'm not saying that I AM, it's just a possibility. Why else can't I remember my own life? It's gotta be something blocking everything. Maybe it's not brainwashing, maybe I'm just mentally challenged at stuff like this. But whatever it is, I have no time to waste on it, I need to find out who I really am. Who I really was...

****
Chapter 10
****

I don't know how to feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day

It's always been up to you,
It's turning around,
It's up to me,
I'm gonna do what I have to do,
just do

Gimme a lil time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,

"Tomorrow" -Avril Lavigne

****

"Hey! We're getting signed soon to Victory Seed's and you're over here pouting like a brat!" Dallas hollered as he stepped into my apartment with William.

One year has passed. I've quit the coffee shop and went full time with the music industry. Not only do I sing now, I make album art for our CD covers using my art skills I brought with me since highschool at westlake. Though the memories are all a blur, I still remember the way to draw and I'm beginning to have confidence in my art. Whatever I draw it helps me remember alittle piece of my past and if that's what it takes. Art has become more than a passion.

It's become my life.

"I'm not pouting! I'm drawing our cover!" I snapped. "If you want our CD's to sell like crap then I'll stop right now!"

"Someone's got their pads in a bunch." Dallas scoffed.

How did he always know when I'm pmsing???

"We've got a show too, FUSE wants us to guest star with Drop Dead Diary." He said the band name alittle funny, his voice cracked but I didn't think nothing of it. I was too concentrated on my work.

Dallas walked over and smiled looking at the beautiful picture of a flower in the center of the flowery feilds. The one beautiful one in the center was wilting of course, and next to it was another picture the same one except it was summer and the flower in the center wilted more, then fall, wilting more, then winter it dies.

"Wow, that's a wonderful picture... it's so sad." Dallas commented. "Matches the album name perfectly, 'When All Else Lives We Go""

I smiled. "Yea, but I also picked it because... I-I think it's got something to do with my past. I can actually remembering drawing this... and I felt sad when drawing it again..."

Dallas shrugged, he didn't really care much of the past. Which was another thing. I knew nothing about Dallas. Who he was, where he came from, who is sister was that died, or why William was the way he was. I didn't know nothing but I still hung out with them because they were my future. My friends.

"Keli is driving us to "The Sauce", where we're going to be at Steve's." Dallas explained as I packed the picture away. "So lets get crackin' and get out here."

"Now?" I asked him, stunned how quick the day went by.

"Now."
****
"So how did you come up with the album art? Did you go to some special school for art or something, because thet shading thing you did on it is pretty cool." Steven said as he stared at my picture I had drawn earlier.

"Well, recently, as the media knows, I've lost my memory from an accident at a show, so I'm not sure how I came up with it, I think it's something I remember a long time ago, when I was probably in highschool." I answered back with a small but nervous smile.

Dallas nodded, "Rachael here went to Westwood High and then moved here in New York, I happened to find her while on the streets looking for a friend and there she was."

Steven grinned. "So it's pretty cool you guys found eachother like that... are you guys thinking about dating?"

Dallas was lost with words, his cheeks flushed to my utter surprise as I took control of this part of the conversation. "No, sorry, we're just friends." I laughed. "Though everyone suspects we're a couple."

"Oh! Hey, Drop Dead Diary is coming on soon, so you have anything else to say before you guys meet them?" Steven asked as he stared at the stairs, where two boys were at. One was Neil, I recognized him straight away, the other was unfamiliar at all but I asumed that he was Neil's boss.

"Nah, we're cool." Dallas answered.

That's when the two boys from "Drop Dead Diary" came by to sit. They squeezed in on the large couch on my right side, the unfamilar one was eager to sit next to me. His eyes were pained, he stared at me for a long while so I coudn't look at him straight in the face fearing to be in a dead lock stare.

"So, how does it feel with new competition arriving guys? I mean you all have that prestige album, number one of the year, you think you can keep up with the new band that said to be the next big thing?" Steven asked. He leaned foward on his hands waiting for a reply.

"Nah we're not worried." The vocalist replied calmly and friendly like. "In fact we're pretty excited. Pretty excited to hear their stuff, we're not worried about who's better than the other, we just want to have fun while making our music." He replied strongly.

"Alex, how er, noble." Steven laughed. "And you Neil? You're the...."

"Guitarist." He answered quickly obviously alittle nervous being on the show.

"I heard your summer with your wife's been great, hows the baby?"

"Good." He mumbled.

"What was that?"

"I said they're doing fine." His voice was slighlty mufffled but audible enough for Steven to stop asking.

After another twenty minutes the show as over. Finally. Dallas wanted to go home straight away but I wanted to get to know the other band a bit more. While he went to complain about the coffee one of the crew members had given him, I went exploring to the backstage where I saw Neil and the lead singer, Alex, standing at the back laughing while they had their snacks.

I waved over to grab their attention and their smiles immediately went. I swallowed hard as I continued to approach them.

"Hey, I'm Rachael Everstein of Fall Of Grace, Er I just wanted to say Hi and see what's up." I stammered slightly. Funny, they both seemed friendlier during the show.

Neil smiled slightly. "Hey..."

I cringed. Though he wasn't Jenine I remember what she had said the night she first came over to visit.

"You're not my friend... I want my Rachael back..."

"Hey Neil." I smiled softly.

"I'm Alex..." The other one said softly. "Rachael huh..."

His voice was familiar though I had to admit, but I doubt I knew him. He was beautiful on the other side though. His face features were soft, calm, and sad. His beautiful brown eyes shined in the dim backstages. His hair ws perfectly styled with overlapping layers and bright blond highlights. I smiled at him blushing at such beauty.

"So where did you get that bracelet." He asked me.

I stared at my bracelet that was hidden under my white long sleeves, surprised he saw it. I wondered when he did, but nonetheless I pulled my sleeves back to show him, and smiled. "I don't know... not really, but I think someone gave it to me as a gift a while ago... I can't remember him since my memories are screwed up... Do you like it?"

Neil looked worried as he looked up at Alex. I smiled at him waiting for his answer.

"..." He mumbled.

"Huh?"

"No." He said angrily. His sudden anger made my fingers twitch as he looked up with feirce eyes. "I gave the same bracelet to a girl I loved."

I stared at him. I didn't quite understand what he meant. He was so angry though. I gripped tightly to the bracelet. "And then we promised we'd be together." He said, eyes now filled with hate. "But she forgot..."

My eyes locked with the floor. I don't know him. I can't remember him. But he knows me. He gave this bracelet to me, and he loved me. He knew my past.

"She forgot everything." His voice grew slightly, nearby I saw Steve's head jerk over to see what's going on. Several crew members now stared in curiosity.

"And then, I hated her." Alex's voice cracked as he struggled to keep his emotions down. "I hated her... she never once thought about me anymore... right now... she stands here in front of me... she still doesn't remember..."

I swallowed. He was talking to me... but not to myself. His hands began to reach for me but they stopped halfway and jerked back as if he can't handle even touching me. I stepped foward, staring at him hard, I was fustrated, trying to remember who he was, it made my head hurt so badly. I strained through many memories, some real, some falsely planted.

"Why can't you remember me Rachael?" He asked me in a agonized voice. "Why?"

Speechless. I was speechless as he looked at me with wet eyes. "Why?"

I shook my head, I couldn't remember.

"Why?"

Neil began to pull him away, more crew members watched.

"Tell me why Rachael!!!" He cried, "I love you and I hate you!" He struggled in Neil's arms as Dallas came rushing over fiercely grabbed my arms as he pulled me away from Alex' sight. "I HATE YOU!"
****
That night, on the way back home, Dallas didnt' say much. Not for the entire ride. Keli shifted nervously in his driver seat. He wasn't there. He didn't know what happened. The nightmare that hapened.

He let us out while he went to look for a spot to park. We headed inside to my room while Keli retired early to sleep for once. Dallas turned to me with a struggled expression. "You know what? I sometimes wonder why I do the things people tell me to do..." He began. "I wish you'd remember sometimes, but the things I could show you... it could help but your father forbid it."

"What are you talking about?" I asked, my voice was silent, hushed, and tired.

"Why you can't remember him Rachael. The one who gave you that bracelet." He said in a hard voice. "You know... even though I wish you'd remember, sometimes I want to keep your from remembering..."

"I don't understand..." I managed though I knew perfetly well what he was saying. I just wished he stopped.

"I wanted to help Robin... Robin deserves you... Not Alex..."

"I don't know who Alex is Dallas." I croaked.

"Yes. Yes you do, and everytime you say that, it get's harder for you to remember, the truth is, you do know Alex. You just couldn't stand that he changed for his career." He explained. "You told us that. On the day they released you, your dad paid the psychologist to brainwash you while you were vulnerable."

"It was selfish but he didn't want you to remember Alex. You even said to your dad that you didn't know Alex anymore and it hurt when he became a total stranger towards you sometimes but then you'd always end up saying you loved him no matter what he turned into... Why can't you say it now?"

"Dallas..." I cried desperately now. I wanted to remember so much... I wanted to remember, but my feelings aren't returning. I was hurting someone, no... I was hurting the two people that loved me. Robin... And Alex...

"I can't do anything for you, you have to remember by youself Rachael, it's practically impossible... I know that, you know that, but can't you at least try?" He sounded angry.

"Why?" I asked him. "Why do you want me to do this?"

He looked away. "Alex... I know Alex very well... and my sister knew him too... She loved him a long time ago... and then she left him. Alex... Alex blamed me for not taking care of my sister the way I should've..." He paused giving me a small glance before continuing. "Kimberly... was my sister Rachael... You don't know her, nor do you probably remember hearing about her... but she was Alex' first. They loved eachother so much... I couldnt' take care of her though, at the time I was so obsessed with becoming something more than just a garage band..."

"When she died... I took the blame and watched Alex break down. Year after year he shunned girls, hated them. Hated alot of people actually and then you came. You came and then a miracle happened. He sent me a letter and he said sorry. Sorry for blaming me."

"Rachael... Alex isn't a bad person... he was just... carried away, you have to give him a chance. Rachael... if your still inside please wake up... Alex won't hurt you, he loves you. He loves you so much."

I was alone in my apartment now, sitting against a wall staring at the blank whiteness across from me. My hand clutched my bangs, pulling them slightly as I heaved a shuddering breath. I stared at the bracelet again and cried.