Towering Over Your Head

My fingers tapped onto the table rhythmically as I looked out to the window. The sky was dull grey due to the stormy weather that the earlier news announced that it was going to be. The others were out, probably going to meet up with some fans that had been lining up in front of the venue doors since the crack of dawn. My phone that was settled on the table stayed still on the same goddamn spot I put it down three hours ago.

Ever since the band grew and I had to go on tour constantly, probably ten months out of the year, leaving Massy alone with her disease, was the hardest thing I could do all my life. She was my best friend and my secret object of admiration. We promised to stay in contact through all the times I was away, and she promised to tell me everything about her treatment and how she was doing every single day. I knew it was hard for her to tell me everything, but I respected the fact that she wanted me to know.

It had been three weeks since the tour started and all the news I got from her and even her mom were horrible. Massy’s health was dropping and the insulin pump didn’t work for days. I just really wished I could go home and stayed with her through all of those things. I just wish.

“Hey man, any news?”, Jack suddenly appeared and sat down across from me. He had the same worry drawn in his eyes, but probably mine was worse. “Hm?”

I shook my head. “No, she hasn’t replied my text. She’s in the hospital. Her mom told me that her vision was getting blurry.”

“What do you mean?”, Jack scrunched his brows together, not knowing what I meant with ‘her-vision-was-getting-blurry’.
A sigh slipped out from my lips as I closed my eyes and sat up straight. “Jack, Diabetes could make some people blind, when the disease is already on your eyes. I think it’s happening to Massy.”

It felt like I swallowed a huge, dry rock when I said that. I couldn’t imagine going home and see Massy in the hospital, with her eyes bandaged up or even she had them open, but they won’t be able to see me again.

“But I thought her treatments are going well.”

“She told me a few days ago that her insulin pump didn’t work.”

Jack’s eyes were hardened when he heard what I said. He was Massy’s best friend too and a personal jester for her. Jack had been there since the beginning, cheering her up and making her felt alive every single day, trying to be strong for her even though we both know that he was tearing himself every time he sees into Massy’s lively eyes.

We stayed in silent, busy with our own thoughts. I didn’t want to come home and finding that Massy lost her vision, and even worse, she won’t be there anymore. Suddenly, my phone buzzed against the table. Without any more thoughts, I unlocked it and read the text that was in.

“What is it?”, Jack asked when I was halfway through the text. My eyes hardened, from liquid to solid, as I processed what I just read from the text.

“I need to go home. Now.”
**********
The cab ride from the airport was devastating. The sun was setting down on the horizon and I could feel the rays kissed my face when I leaned my forehead on the window, trying to clear up my mind for a few moments. After the long argument and convincing, Matt let me go home for just a day and I had to go back on tour tomorrow. With no chance to lose, he drove me to the airport, I got the earliest flight to Baltimore and here I was. It was really bold, nevertheless.

When the cab stopped in front of the hospital, I gave the cabbie the money and rushed out. My heart accelerated in a bad way and my stomach lurched when the smell of the hospital filled my nostrils. It reminded me how Massy was in there, in her room, laying hopelessly and struggling to stay alive. After I asked the nurse for Massy Michael’s room, I practically ran and found her room at the end of the hallway.

I opened the door quietly and saw Massy, sitting up on her bed, and my worst fear was true; her eyes were covered with bandaged, over her head. She kept her head directed to the wide window and when I closed the door, her head snapped onto my direction.

“Mom? I thought you won’t be back until tomorrow.”, she croaked and I could tell that she had been crying.

“N-No, it’s me, Mass. It’s Zack.”, I managed to choke up and walked towards her bed. She stayed completely silent when I pulled up a chair and sat next to her bed. “H-How’re you feeling?”

Massy bit her lower lip and her hands felt up everything around her until she found my hands. “Is it really you?”

“Yup.”, I chuckled bitterly. “It’s me, Massy.”

She smiled sheepishly and sighed. “It’s too bad I can’t see you anymore, Zack. I’m blind now.”, she ended it with a chuckle too, but then, a tear rolled out from behind the bandage. “I can’t see you anymore, I can’t see anything anymore, I lost my eyes.”

She bit her lip harder as the tears kept streaming down. I took her hand and just pressed it against my cheek. Her hand was cold and stiffed, but I always found them inviting. “You still can hear me and feel me, right?”

“Yeah. But it won’t be the same. I can’t see your eyes anymore and I can’t see your smile.”, she muttered. “Anyway, what are you doing here? I thought the tour won’t be over for another two months.”

“I got your mom’s text. I have to see you before…”, I trailed off. I didn’t have the gut to finish it. She felt around her again before she found my cheek and smiled.

“Before I can’t see you again?”

I gnawed on the inside of my lips and nodded slightly. “Yeah. Before I can’t see your eyes anymore.”

“Actually, my eyes are still here but I just can’t see.”, she laughed at her dark humor. “Do you wanna see it?”

My eyes widened on her offer. “W-What? No, Mass, you have to put the bandages on.”

“You probably won’t like them anymore. Mom described them now as the frozen water. You know, how people told me my eyes were like the ocean? But now, mom told me that my eyes are like frozen ices. Cold and won’t change.”

“I bet they aren’t like that. They’d be still pretty.”
Massy smiled sweetly, like it was a normal day. “Thank you, and now, I think I’m ready to go.”

“Mass, don’t say that.”, I said through my teeth. “You still got a good thing going. Eyes or no eyes, you still could make it through. Please, Mass, stay. For me.”

The words that I had been holding back all these years were now on the tip of my tongue but I didn’t know what she would say if I say it. Her life was now in the tick of the clock, she would probably be dying right now, but I didn’t know and I didn’t want to think it that way.

“My body is screaming right now, Zack. It wants me to let go and I think I’m ready. Just please, I have one more request for you.”

“Anything, any single thing.”

She ran her fingers through my hair and patted my head. “Be happy, that’s all. Find someone you love the most and treasure her. Make her happy, make a family and be happy for the rest of your life. When you have kids, I’d love to see them, but I guess I can’t, but again, I’d love it if you tell them that I love them, even though they haven’t existed now.”

We both laughed quietly and lowly on her joke. “I love you, Massy.”, it finally slipped out, but not exactly how I wanted to. She just smiled and leaned back onto her pillow, intertwining her fingers with mine.

“I love you too.”

Those words rang in my ears but she probably thought that I loved her as a friend, but that was enough for me. Her hand gripped mine as I started humming the chorus of Stay Awake, her favorite song. My eyes were starting to drop due to the tiredness I’ve went through, but I wanted to spent every second I had left with her. When the sun was rising up, her grip loosened and I knew that was the moment she left. The lump in my throat rose and tears started to form in the corners of my eyes.

Our hands were still collided and I held hers through the morning, even though I knew she wasn’t there anymore.