Z is for Zebra

Z is for zebra. Z is for zipper. Z is for zealous. Z is for xylopho- no wait, no it's not. Z is... Well, it's definitely not for you-know-who. It certainly is not for Zale. Okay so in a literal sense z is for Zale, but Zale is not the Z in my alphabet. How many times can you try to help a person who refuses to be helped?

I'm pathetic. I'm standing alone in the middle of a park at 3 A.M. loosing sleep over this guy. Technically, I guess he can't really be just some guy; we were together for a year and 17 and a half days. Yes, I was counting, shut up.

Zale Evangel waltzed into my life on December 24th, 2008. I was in a store in the middle of some very last minute Christmas shopping when we ran right into each other.

Why didn't my sister want something that was easy to find for Christmas and why was I stuck doing this while my parents were relaxing at home? Who knows. I just want to get out of here. There! Finally that freakin' toy my sister just had to have and I know she's gonna love it for a week and then forget about it. Why do I even bother?
I tossed the toy into the cart and turned the cart around sharply not expecting anyone to be standing there.

"Oh fuck," I mumble, hoping I didn't kill anyone while swinging the cart around so violently. "Sorry, are you alright?" I grab on to the person's arm and pull them up from the ground.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." He says looking a bit flustered. I get a good look at his face finally and blush a little. He is very cute.

"Sorry," I'm not sure why I'm apologizing again.

"It's okay, really. Christmas Eve is always crazy here." I realize now that he's wearing the stores mandatory black pants and blue shirt with a small logo in the corner.

"As long as I didn't hurt you." I feel stupid making a complete idiot of myself in front of someone I may actually see again if I ever step inside this store.

"No worries. I've had worse hit me, trust me." He grins and his beautiful teeth catch me off guard. I almost ask who his dentist is. "Well, I better get back to work." He nods and begins to turn away when I call out, "Wait!"

"Is there something else you needed?" He sounds so formal and the tone makes me feel slightly unwanted.

"Oh, um, nothing. Never mind." That smile plays on his lips and he leaves me alone in the aisle.
I couldn't understand what it was about him that made me want to talk to him more, but I knew I had to. Quickly, I finish grabbing the last items on the list my parent's wrote and head to the front of the store. I instantly spot his head of bleached hair, but act as though I'm not paying any attention to which line I get in.

"We meet again." He smirks; his eyes sparkling.

"Oh, I guess so." I reply as I unload the cart. For a moment he's quiet, ringing up the gifts as though I'm any other unfamiliar person.

"Your total is $150.75." He taps a blue fingernail on the small screen displaying the amount I need to pay. Although he doesn't realize, I can see him watching me as I dig threw my wallet. I look up quickly and he immediately looks away as I hand him the money. A small smile slides onto my face when his smaller hand brushes against mine when he hands over my change.

"Thanks." I smile at him and I swear I see a faint blush creep over his cheeks. He rips off the receipt, but before
he passes it to me he scribbles something down at the bottom.

"Here you go, have a nice day."

"You too." I tell him and I take the receipt and make my way to the door. I can feel his eyes watching me so I glance down at the paper in my hands. Near the bottom where it says the cashier's name, which is Zale, is a phone number. At first, I almost don't turn around, but when I do, I see that the way I respond to this means everything to him. His face holds an expression that's hopeful and almost desperate so I smile and tuck the receipt into my back pocket, hoping he understands that it'll be looked at again later.
His face continues to pop up in my mind as I make my way across the frozen wasteland of a parking lot. The lights are struggling to shine through the foggy sky and shed some light on the customers hurrying to their cars. I'm not parked to far away and as more snow begins to fall I'm thankful for that. My mind makes a mental note that my car is almost the exact shade of blue as Zale's nails.

Our first encounter had left me confused for days. Should I or should I not call him. What if he was just messing around and thought it be funny to see if I actually called him? But there was so much hope in his eyes when I turned back around. Had he meant?
I eventually did call and I could hear such excitement in his voice when he finally learned my name. Every time he said my name I could hear a slight squeal of happiness in his tone. Our first date which followed a few days later, made me thankful for having parents who forced me to go out in the cold winter and shop for my ungrateful sister.

Zale was everything I had hoped for. He was sweet, gentle, playful, a bit on the timid side, but overall a very wonderful person to be around. He absolutely loved to laugh and it always seemed like he hadn't smiled in years until I came around. It was like he had a horrible day every single second of his life, but when we were together he turned into the Zale I knew. The happy, loving life Zale. The one that had been so close to me for about a year now. Zale always seemed perfectly content with life until one night I began to notice that there was something very wrong.

"Andrew," Zale sung before launching himself at me. "Let's go see a movie." He says, wrapping his thin arms around my neck.

"Okay," I smile. "Know of anything good?" He shrugs and walks across the room to pick up my laptop that sat on the coffee table and starts searching for movies currently playing.
I watch his face illuminated by the screen as he scrolls past ones that don't catch his attention. His chin is rested on his hand, his fingers drum on the side of his face, and his teeth chew at the inside of his cheek. He makes me wonder what goes on inside that head of his sometimes. I wish he'd let me know everything instead of putting up a defensive wall when I ask too many questions. Like why he always wears a long sleeve shirt or a sweatshirt no matter where we go. I have asked him before, but he gets hostile and pulls at the sleeves as if I'll reach for them and look underneath. I wonder if maybe he cuts, but why? What could make such a happy kid want to hurt himself?

"Okay, I found what I wanted." Zale's voice brings me out of my own mind.

"Alright, grab your coat and let's go."

The ride to the theater is quiet and I hesitate to ask if there's something wrong. "You alright, Zale?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." He says he's fine, but he's distracted by his phone; it's rung twice already since we got in the car. He turns it to vibrate and stuffs it back in his coat pocket. Who kept calling him? Before I can even move onto a different topic, Zale's phone buzzes again! I pretend I don't hear it because obviously the fact that it keeps ringing is starting to worry him.

We pull into the movie theater parking lot and I grasp his hand and pull him closer to me from across the seat.

"You know if there's something bothering you, you can talk to me about it." I say, hoping that it will coax some form of explanation out of him.

"I'm fine, Andrew." He says in a reassuring voice, but his sad eyes tell another story. "Come on." He smiles, putting his facade back up. "We're gonna miss it."

I get out of the car and follow him as he hurries to get inside. He's trying to avoid another conversation. Is there a possibility that he's cheating on me? Those calls, the lies. He wouldn't, would he? I was worrying now too.
"Andrew?" He asks the second he sees my fallen face. "What's the matter?"

"Oh nothing. Just hurt my side, I kind of ran into the door." I smile, faking everything just as he is. His hand laces with mine and he pecks my cheek playfully then drags me to the girl handing out tickets.

The previews haven't even started as we sit and I hear his phone vibrating again. If I could just see the caller ID I'd feel so much better. This time it's a text message and I pray that it's from someone else and not the same caller as the first times. His fingers are frantic as he tries to text with me so close. What is he hiding? I know we haven't been together very long, but still if he would just shed a little light on the whole situation.

I was distracted for a lot of the movie and I counted that his phone rang at least 3 more times and he received 2 more texts. Call me controlling, but I need to see that phone!

"Thanks," He says.

"Your welcome, babe." I can't stay upset with him, I just wish I knew what was up. "And like I said if there's anything wrong, call me okay?"

"I will." He promises and I start the car to take him back to his house. I've never been in his house and I wonder if there's anything there that could tell me the reasons that he hides so much.

"Thanks, again, Andrew. I'll see you maybe sometime tomorrow after work?" He has his hand on the door ready to jump from the car the second I say goodbye.

"No problem and yeah, we'll see what's going on tomorrow. Why the hurry? Don't I get a goodbye?" I ask opening my arms to him. Zale can't resist the smile that appears on his face. He leans back in the car and presses his lips against mine. He's a bit rougher than usual; his delicate fingers kneading through my hair as he slides his tongue against my teeth. I wrap my arms around his bony body and continue working my mouth against his. Slowly, I let my hands slide a little lower down his back, but suddenly he pulls away with a small yelp.

"Sorry, my back, I have a bruise, I got it at work- I-I- when I was working I got it-I have to go okay, I'll see you later, bye." He stammers and rushes to pull himself out of the car. What was wrong with him? To make matters worse I see him check his phone again as he heads around to the backyard. Zale never goes through the front door, he always says that he forgets the key for the front door so he uses the side door. I wait a moment then send a text to him asking if he got in okay. He replies with a yes so I pull away, but when I get halfway down the street to where it was slightly darker, I turn off the car and wait. There was something suspicious going on here.

Not to my surprise I see Zale again. This time he's hurrying down the street away from the house I dropped him off. As soon as I see him turn the corner I turn on the car again and slowly make my way down the street, keeping the headlights off. He's walking up to a house just around the corner and I turn off the car and watch him. He shuffles through his pocket and pulls out a key and sticks it in the doorknob. If he lives here then why would he insist he be dropped off there? This boy had too many secrets.

Before he even turns the key, another figure appears at the door and I can see Zale frantically trying to explain himself. The person in the door steps a little more into the porch light and I can see another guy standing there with his arms folded. He's taller than Zale and his body looks huge compared to Zale's tiny frame. Was he the one calling Zale all night? He glares at Zale and says something, but Zale who is shaking, I'm not sure if it's from the cold or because of this guy, starts to shake his head. Then before Zale even has time to say or do another thing, the guy in the doorway backhands him. Loosing his balance, Zale slips from the steps and falls on his back into the snow. I'm about to leap from the car and scream at this guy when Zale struggles to stand again, looks around cautiously, and then darts into the house. The guy who is standing in the doorway just stares,emotionless, then walks back inside and closes the door.

I can't even begin to comprehend what I just witnessed. I pull my cell from my pocket and dial Zale's number. It rings several times before he answers.

"Hey, Andrew, what's up?" How was this the same boy I saw cowering on the steps?

"Oh nothing I just wish you could stay over one night."

"Miss me that much all ready?" He starts to laugh a little, but he hisses in pain.

"You okay?" I panic.

"Yeah, my back from lifting stuff at work, it still hurts a little." A little?

"Oh,"

"Yeah, hey I've got to go so I'll talk to you later." Before I even say bye he hangs up.

I remembered being so scared for him, how often did that happen? Did he always get slapped if he was late or not answering calls?

Although I called, Zale had yet to answer his phone. I only left one voicemail, but I was starting to worry. Why didn't I stop that last night? My phone rang suddenly and I leaped up off the sofa to grab it.

"Hello?"

"Andrew?" Zale murmured.

"Yes, what is it honey?"

"Can I come over?"

"Yes, of course, here I'll come get you-"

"No!" He whimpers. "I'll be there in a few minutes." The line went dead.

I sat staring out my living room window hoping he'd be here soon. What if something happened right before he left? What was he going to tell me happened to his face when I see a large bruise on his cheek? A knock at the door caused me to jump and fling open the door. Zale looks horrible to put it lightly. He has an ugly bruise across his cheekbone and a few bruises around his neck. And once again he's wearing one of those long sleeve shirts again.

The second he gets through the door he throws his arms around me and squeezes tightly. I hug back, but lightly. I don't want to hurt him anymore than he already is.

"What happened?" I ask as if I don't already know.

"Nothing." He says quietly. He sounds ashamed of what happened.

"You don't have to be scared."

"Yes, I do." He pulls away, his eyes are filled with terror.

"No, Zale, I can protect you. I'll keep you safe." He lets out a laugh that's lacking humor.

"No, you can't, okay? You won't be able to."

"Zale look at me. I promise I'll keep you safe." Zale shakes his head.

"Do you know how to keep me safe from this?" Zale is angry, scared, upset. He can't hold it in anymore. He tears his shirt from his body and I see for the first time what those shirts conceal. "You won't be able to save me from him." His arms are littered in bruises and scars, his entire stomach is a mess of black and blue. All of the other skin is an horrible yellowish-gray from old bruises. He sees my horrified face and starts to cry. "I'm so ugly. This is all my fault."

"No," I argue. "He did this, not you." Zale continues to sob, so i lift him into my arms and carry him back to my room where I lay with him for hours as he verbally beats himself up.

I still haven't learned who exactly 'he' is, just that he is living in the same house as Zale. He's not Zale's dad, he died when Zale was young, it must be a boyfriend, maybe. I can't believe that Zale would stay with someone that long even though he's hurting this badly.

"Zale," I whisper as I see his eyes flutter open.

"Hmm," He asks, still drowsy.

"I need to know the address of where he is. I'm calling the police." Zale eyes popped.

"No," He cries. "You can't do that!"

"Why? He hurts you. Don't you want him put away?"

"But I love him!" This hurts. I've done nothing, but treat Zale right and love him since we first started dating. How can he love...that monster?! Zale knows he's done something wrong and he flinches when I reach my hand up and run it through my hair. Still nervous, he takes off before I can stop him.

"Zale! Come back." I call after him although he's half way down the street. He's gonna get himself killed. I need to find the right house and then call the cops.

By the time I called the cops, Zale and that guy were already playing everything off as a big misunderstanding. Zale smiled and held onto the guy for the most part. This guy, I think his name was Tyler, had let them check inside and lied straight to the cops faces and said he thought I was an ex of Zale's. The cops warned me to stay away from Zale and that calling the cops with false information could get me in to a lot of trouble. Well, duh, I knew that. They would not believe a word I said.

I hadn't heard from Zale in a few months despite my desperate attempts to contact him. What would I do if I found out he was killed by Tyler? I couldn't even begin to imagine. I had given up looking for him at work because they told me he quit a while back. I was so stupid. I scared him and he was gone not just from me, but possibly gone as in dead.

About another month of worrying went by when I got a call saying that my brother was in the hospital. I didn't have a brother. I pretend that Zale and I were related and was able to sign him out before Tyler got back from work. Zale finally told the cops what happened and the hospital was able to back up the fact that these weren't accidental bruises. However, while Tyler was being investigated, Zale suddenly withdrew all charges and bailed Tyler out of jail.

He never called anymore, but occasionally I saw him back at his work, where we first met. He was always bruised and just last week his arm was broken.

"When are you going to stop this?" I turned around to see Zale staring at me. "When are you going to face the fact that I'm going to be with Tyler forever? I'm stuck with him."

"Zale," I started. "Like I said a million times before, I'm here for you. I would help you, if you would just turn him in." Zale sat down on a swing; his blue polished fingers wrapped around the chains of the swing.

"It's complicated, Andrew. I wouldn't expect you to understand." Tyler was the only person Zale's ever had. Although Tyler was the one that made sure he had no friends, made sure no family ever wanted to contact him and cut him off from the rest of the world. He made sure that Zale thought, in some sick way, that this was the only love that Zale was good enough for.

The two of us sat in silence just the sound of the swings squeaking. I was hoping that he would have a sudden epiphany and realize that he should come home with me and then turn in Tyler. "Andrew?"

"Yes."

"I'll always have you, right?" He asked quietly. I looked over at those beautiful eyes; those beautiful,sad eyes.

"Always," I promised. "Whenever you want to come to a real home." Zale nodded.

"Can I stay with you tonight?" He stared at his shoes as he kicked the dirt at his feet.

"Of course you can." I took hold of his hand, making sure not to grab onto his bruised wrist and began to walk towards my house. We slipped in through the door and up to my room. Zale curled up in my bed and as soon as I laid down, he was against my side. "Will you ever let me save you?"

"I don't think I'll ever be saved." He paused. "If I'm here in the morning when you wake up, we can call about..him." He whispered. That statement alone was enough to settle my thoughts for one night. This was a break through for him. He was trying to get help, just by being here he was helping himself.

"Ok, goodnight, Zale."

"Goodnight, Andrew." I fell asleep peacefully that night and you know what? The next morning I woke up and Zale was sitting beside me a small smile on his face.

A was for the abuse. B was for the bad boyfriend. C was for the cowering in fear. D was for the dark I was held in when Zale refused to say a word. E was for encouraging him to let me help him. F was for our only 'fight'. G was for all the good that Zale had in him. H was for all his self hatred. I was for his insecurities. J was for bringing justice for those who deserved it. K was for keeping Zale close when he needed me. L was for loving Zale always. M was for making that phone call. N was for never turning back to Tyler. O was for opening up and letting me in for once. P was for the police arresting that monster. Q was for questioning why Zale hadn't come forward sooner. R was for reassuring that he would always be safe. S was for saving Zale. T was for turning our backs on Tyler. U was for understanding. V was for venturing out of his comfort. W was for winning, Zale won the fight against Tyler forever. X will always be for xylophone because it doesn't start with a Z. And Z will always be for Zale.