Caged Mentality

POV: Riel Carlin

“Didn't know if you'd show up.” I looked up seeing a grin on a face that was an exact duplicate of mine. I kind of hated it. Just the fact he looked like me but wasn't fucked up like I was.

“Is there a reason I wouldn't be here for your birthday?” I questioned thoughtfully staring at him. His eyes reflected a somewhat sad gaze mine were projecting back. Yeah, I was twenty-four now. And not happy of it might I add.

He gave a rather confused expression. “Don't you mean our?”

Stepping onto the stairs I proceeded to enter the house then being pulled aside by him. I didn't understand why he even bothered reminding me of it. It was his, just his. In my mind.

“What's wrong Riel? You getting upset over dad again? Just tell him to fuck off. It's supposed to be a happy day.”

Why was I even here?

“He won't even acknowledge I'm here, so how the hell am I supposed to be ok? He just will notice you. And Timmy...” I sighed heavily wanting to just turn around and get back in the car.

He shook his head. “Mom won't be like that.”

“Timmy will be. She always is.”

“We both know she's exactly like dad...she's his baby.” he rolled his eyes wrapping his arms around me. I felt a bit better knowing he didn't hate me. But I knew something would set off and me and him would probably argue about something completely stupid.

“I never know why I come here...” I groaned.

“If you didn't ever show up mom would call and complain to you. Then I would have to hunt you down.” he laughed messing my hair up a bit. “So, what do you think?” he looked at me expectantly as if I was supposed to notice something.

I gawked at him blankly. “What?”

“Come on. My new piercing. And look, plugs.” he grinned. He did look good with his eyebrow pierced and three under his bottom lip. I would have tried it sometime, but I liked my snakebites.

“I was thinking of getting new piercings. Just don't know what yet.” I smiled faintly then staring at the floor. I couldn't help but feel ten times worse about myself here than anywhere else. It was a nice change to be depressed about myself and not thinking about Kris.

“Is something else bothering you besides dad?”

My eyes lifted off the floor to my brother smiling lightly. “Nah, I'm ok.”

“You sure? You don't seem it. Trust me I know. We're closer than anyone else could be. I feel when you're not happy! Stop ruining my day.” he muttered playfully.

I shook my head. “Sure your senses aren't off? Cause I'm fine.”

He put me in a headlock dragging me into the living room of my parents home. My father wasn't in here. Chances are he was cooking something. I would be 'forgotten' most likely. Unless mom stopped him from doing that. She tried to make me feel special as much as she could. Probably to make up for dad.

“Hello Timmy.” I smiled though trying to get Eli to let go of me.

She smiled lightly, “Mom! Eli is being mean to Riel again!”

I stared at her blankly. This was the first time I'd seen her in a long time. She even managed to acknowledge my presence. She looked so much different than the last time I saw her. She had grown a lot...

Eli let me go only to pull all three of us into a hug. I immediately ducked under and gawked at them. They were just as confused as I was.

“How can you expect me to just sit here and act like nothing has ever happened between us?” I demanded glaring. I was hurt they were just acting like we were best friends and were five again. All three of us never got along.

“I don't understand...” Timmy mumbled. Of course she didn't... she was always oblivious to everything stupid she did. She was miss spoiled brat.

I backed away only running into my father. I turned around quickly seeing him glare down at me. “Watch where you're going Riel.” he spat then walking to Eli and Timmy. He mumbled something to them then looked back at me. He was still glaring. “Sit down kid.” his voice boomed so loudly I listened immediately. I didn't know why he wanted to talk to me. True I hadn't been to this house since I started college...but... why the sudden attention? He hated me...

My father sat in his chair, his eyes staring intensely into mine. They were the same shade of hazel as mine and Eli's.... Timmy's was like our mothers. Despite the fact we were all triplets, only Eli and I looked the same. Me and him were born of the same egg while Timmy wasn't. I hated how much I looked like this ass of a man.

“You haven't showed up in a few years. Even went so far as to not tell us where you lived.” he grumbled, his glare not leaving. It grew more intense with each word.

“Did you want me to leave?” I asked angrily, not wanting to be lectured. I was an adult, I could do as I pleased.

The look he gave me made me want to forget I even asked. “You know your mother loves you.”

My eyes fell to the floor. I didn't need a guilt trip. Seriously I had enough problems.

“You're decision was selfish! You were raised better than that! And why did you choose today to show up out of all the years.”

“I was selfish?” I retorted standing up. “How the fuck was I selfish? I didn't want to forget my son existed because he wasn't normal or because he wanted to be a therapist! I am allowed to miss my brother.”

He stood up only to make it a point he was the boss. I hated him...kinda... I just didn't get along with him. I never did. “You're still in that mindset that you think you're gay? Come on! You're genetics are identical to Eli's! He's not gay. You're not either. It's just a phase you haven't got over because you didn't have fun when you were younger. You can't be a therapist and be gay. It just doesn't work. You should be going to a therapist to get off the gay thing. You're straight.”

“I don't give a shit what you think. I tell myself who I am, not you. You don't know me anyway! Fuck, I shouldn't have came here at all if you intend to be an ass. I guess I should have known though you always have-” I gawked at him the moment I felt a pain on the right side of my face. My gaze fell to the floor. I couldn't believe he was still going to act like this.

“Clean up the language. I expect to see you around the house more. You know, for your mothers sake.” He walked out of the room and out the back door.

My hands were in fists at my side. This was probably the first time I had been angry in a while. How could he think he could just stand there and tell me how I was? Who I was? It wasn't fair.

“Riel!!!” Eli came bouncing into the room and wrapped his arms around me. It was almost as if he was just waiting for dad to leave so he could come back as soon as possible. “Was dad mean?”

“He fuckin hit me! I just shouldn't have came here. I need to leave.” I pulled my keys out of my pocket then looking at my cell phone.

My brother took them both dropping them in his pocket. “We never see you. And it's not fair you never come around.”

“All I get when I come here is getting told how I'm not gay and shouldn't be a therapist. And dad enforces the opinion on me because you're freakin straight.”

His eyes stared off at a wall then hugged me. “I'm sorry...but you know it's true. We are exactly the same Riel. You can't be gay while I'm straight.”

“Then maybe you're gay too. You just don't want anyone to know. Its possible we're different. Why won't anyone listen to me! Our DNA is the same. Nothing else about us is. Just how we look. I can be gay while you're straight! Must I show people the research?”

“Calm down, calm down.” he mumbled backing away a bit.

“Why is Timmy acting civil around me?” I demanded, “and dad. They aren't being as bad as before.”

“When you left a while back...well...every time our birthday came around...you never came home. She got really sad each time. She didn't handle it well. Went kinda psycho on us all. She screamed at us for not being nice to you. Blamed all of us for you not coming back...”

“That doesn't mean I'll show up again.”

“Remember that time I came to your house...” he mumbled looking off in random directions. “I sort of...snooped through your stuff. I found your work address and phone number and yea...that was for mom....”

“Can't a guy ditch his family? Hell I can't stand this. You guys act like you've done nothing wrong to me! Like nothing has happened! Last time you came to my house you freakin bashed my whole job. You spewed shit about how I should be straight too!”

“You told dad you came here cause you missed me.” he added in quickly. I rolled my eyes crossing my arms.

I didn't know what to do. But I knew my family enough...if I didn't show up here more often then they would go to my work and make life hell. They did that in high school with something else. I tried to run away when I was sixteen...

“Riel!” my mom exclaimed wrapping her arms around me. She kissed my cheek then took a step back to look at me. “You look more like each other each day.” she smiled then looking between me and Eli. “Happy Birthday Riel. I'm happy you came here today. There is a lot of things here for you. Any boyfriends?”

My mom was nice enough to not care or doubt the fact I was gay. In fact she was happy with how I was in general. One of the few people who were. The only thing she didn't like was me sleeping around, drinking, and when I did drugs she got pretty pissed.

“No. I'm not the dating type.”

“I wish you and you're brother weren't the same with that. You two need to get married and have families! Not sleep around! And I hope you're both done with those stupid drugs. No more piercings and tattoos.”

Eli and I both laughed at that wrapping our arms around each other. Somehow no matter how much shit this idiot put me through, he always made me relaxed. “You can't have enough tattoos and piercings.” we replied in unison.

“I need to finish your cake. So just relax a bit. You're room is still the same. I haven't let anyone mess with it.”

“I never said I was staying over night though...”

“It's tradition though. You can't leave till tomorrow.” she mumbled happily then walking out of the room.

“Fine....” I groaned then looking over at Eli. “You better not have taken over my bed.”

“Oh, you know I did.” he grinned.

“Dumb ass.” I punched his arm lightly as he hit back harder. “What the fuck?” I mumbled then running up to my bedroom to try and reclaim my area. He chased me up the stairs. Both of us tripped falling onto my bed as soon as we entered the room.

“You stupid fuck.” Eli laughed pushing me off the bed.

“Yeah, yeah, let dad hear you talk like that.” I scoffed, “he slapped me for it.”

He grinned, “I've been hit more than you, I'll live.”

“We're twenty-four, he shouldn't even be hitting me.”

“Or me.”

“Ha! You deserve it you lazy bitch.” I laughed sitting next to him on the bed.

I looked through our bedroom dresser. It was left as it was. No one snooped in here obviously. I looked under my clothes.

“Kept my stash up I see.” I grinned puling out a bag of weed. “I don't know how the hell to get through this weekend without it.” I laughed as he took it from me.

“Yeah, yeah. Just better share with me. And keep it in there. We gotta wait till tomorrow. Dad or mom finds it you know it'll be like we're kids again.” Eli mumbled rolling his eyes and throwing it under my clothes again.

I heard the door open. “Boys, time for dinner.” my father muttered, “get down there now.”

“Someone's a grouchy...ass.” we both stated smirking at him. Okay, so together me and him were a lot of trouble for our parents when we grew up... it never changed. We started laughing hard at the change in his expression.

“Both of you knock it off.” he demanded gripping our shirts and pulling us off the bed to our feet. “Go.”

“Pft, whatever...” we mumbled glaring back then walking down the stairs. We both sat by each other at the table.

It was small conversation all through dinner. I was feeling a bit better around Eli but not with Timmy and dad. I couldn't forgive them right now. Mostly because they were acting like nothing happened. How could someone live with themselves? Dinner went by fine. They had decided no cake and gifts till tomorrow. Probably so I wouldn't walk out during the night. They were unaware Eli had taken my keys and phone...

I headed upstairs to our room getting in the shower. We were lucky enough to have one attached to our room.

“Riel?” Eli mumbled stepping into the bathroom. I had left the door open out of habit.

I looked over at him expectantly drying my hair with a towel.

“You're cutting too?” he asked softly.

I gawked at him. I forgot to hide my arms. The thing I didn't get was why he said 'too.'

“Eli? You're cutting?” I asked a bit shocked. I don't know why it shocked me. Maybe because I wasn't wanting my brother to have such a bad habit.

He pulled his shirt off. The same marks lined his wrists. I shook my head. “I want to know why you are.”

“It's not important.” I replied then sitting on the bed after I got in some pajamas. Wasn't important... How could I even say that. The reason was because I wasn't good enough for Kris. I wasn't a good enough person. I was horrible. And my family treated me as if I was. I deserved it... I deserved to be ignored by Kris too. Even if it was slowly killing me. This birthday was killing me. Part of me came here because I wanted another way to punish myself for being such a bad person. To remind myself I couldn't have Kris. “Just forget about it. Why are you? You haven't since high school.”

“Hell no. I stopped about when you did...but I started a couple weeks ago. I couldn't help it. It goes on and off...” he sighed stepping into the shower himself. He wasn't going to tell me why until he felt ready. That was just how my brother was. But he'd tell me everything in time.

I couldn't understand why the 'good half' of me was harming himself. My parents always cared about him more. Even Timmy did. I was the outcast. What reason did he have?

I laid in bed waiting for him to be done so I could go to sleep. He was so loud...

Eli came back in the room and laid next to me. His eyes locked with mine. “You're not going to disappear again right?”

I smiled as we both laughed. “You better stop cutting.”

“I'll try. But then you'll have to as well.”

“We'll see.” I mumbled, “dad won't like us sharing the same bed. He never did.”

“Dad can fuck off. We're adults and can do what we want.” he stated confidently.

“Nite Eli...” I said through small laughs.

“Nite Riel.”

I felt like I was a child again before everything happened. I was sixteen again. A smile spread across my face as we held each other. I couldn't hate my brother no matter what he did to me. Perhaps because we were two halves of a whole. I wasn't sure what I'd do with my family at the moment, but I would stay in my brothers life. When I ditched him half of me was missing...