Caged Mentality

POV: Khristos Larkin

“Well, Dr. Carlin,” I began, stretching out on the couch lazily with my eyes closed. I was in his office for therapy once again… I was getting bored of it. But I had to admit, the couch was really comfortable. I could sleep here all day. Or, better yet, I’ll just drag it to my apartment and bring my couch here. That was a good plan. “I don’t think therapy is doing me any good.”

“It would help if you actually used the sessions to do what you’re supposed to do.” He said dully, his gaze fixed on me. He always had to complain about that, didn’t he? “But all you do is fuck around.” He leaned back a bit, his hands on the desk for support, his eyes narrowed very slightly, almost unnoticeable.

“Oh, chill out.” I stared at Riel with my eyes half open. There was no way I’d be able to take a nap with him bitching. “What are we supposed to do in here? You want me to sit here and tell you all about my day and how everything made me feel?” I rolled my eyes. There was nothing left to tell him about me, he already knew everything that I could think of. If he hadn’t figured out a way to fix my ‘anger issue’ by now, he wasn’t going to. “Like that’s gonna do me any good.”

“Well sitting here not talking or just randomly kissing me or something isn’t going to help at all.” Riel countered. I wasn’t sure how true that was though. Kissing him always made me happy, it could probably get rid of my anger any time. “So tell me something. What’s made you angry? How do you normally feel before, during, and after outbursts?” He was talking like a therapist, but sitting there with his arms crossed, staring at me angrily. What a contradiction.

“I feel pissed before them, then during them I feel… I don’t know, I can never think straight during them, I lose control of myself.” I explained, thinking back on some of the major outbursts I’ve had. “And then after them I just feel kinda tired. I was really exhausted and unhappy after the big one at my parents’ house.”

That recent major outburst… I hated thinking back on it. I hated myself for doing that. My dad’s T.V., Roman’s video games, all of that stuff I broke… The disappointment on my dad’s face, the disappointment barely noticeable in Roman’s eyes, disguised by forgiveness and concern… It killed me. Why did I have to do that? Why couldn’t I just be normal and not have outbursts like that?

“Don’t hit me for sounding like a recording or whatever.” Riel stood, walking over to the couch and kneeling beside it so he was at my level. I stared at him, waiting to hear what he was going to say. “We need to find a different way to channel your anger. Maybe when you start to feel angry, you do something else instead of destroying objects. Willing to try?”

What the hell was he thinking?

“What are you expecting me to do, convert my anger into flowers and rainbows? I can’t control my anger. How am I supposed to channel it differently?” I glared slightly as I sat up, annoyed. “You’re being ridiculous.”

“You don’t need help turning anything into rainbows.” He stated with a laugh, smirking. I didn’t give him so much as a smile. I wasn’t in the mood for jokes, it just annoyed me more. He turned serious. “But when you are angry… What if you were beating a punching bag or something instead? Maybe try kickboxing?” He smiled. “Could be fun too.”

That was a pretty fun sounding idea, but there was a flaw. I went ahead and pointed it out.

“So now you want me to magically make a punching bag appear any time I get angry? Sure I’d try kickboxing, but I don’t know how to make things appear out of nowhere.”

“Well, if you do more activities, it could help in general with your anger. And more sleeping. Just need to live healthier.” Great, now he wanted me to be a health freak. Did I need to start fucking dieting too? “People’s mood swings usually are caused by stress, diet, and lack of rest.” Yep, there was the diet thing. Oh joy. “I’m suggesting just doing kickboxing could help. And around the band or home you could have a punching bag.”

Better idea- just have that damn Cable kid follow me around. He’d make a fun punching bag.

“My anger is just part of my personality. Diet, sleep, and stress don’t have anything to do with it. Just stop trying to fix me!” I stood, my hands balled into fists. I was beyond annoyed. “You can’t fucking change me Riel, so just stop!”

“I’m not trying to change you. I’m trying to help you. Your anger level is abnormal, it’s not just a part of your personality.” He let out a sigh. Oh, so now I’m abnormal. Fucking wonderful. “Look, maybe you should go through some tests with doctors. Maybe there is a chemical imbalance of something causing your anger.” He spoke in a gentle, loving voice, staring at me with soft eyes. Was he expecting that to calm me down? Cause it wasn’t fucking working. A chemical imbalance? What the hell?

“Tests? Now you think I’m diseased or something?” I demanded angrily. I wasn’t diseased, I preferred to believe in my normality. Gradually losing control of myself, I grabbed something from Riel’s desk and chucked it at the wall, hoping the wall felt pain from it. “I’m not getting any fucking tests!” I informed in a slight shout, throwing something else at the wall. “I’m perfectly fine!”

Says the guy who is being eaten alive by anger… I couldn’t even control the words penetrating my lips. But I hardly cared. At least, not at that moment.

“Look at yourself, Kris.” Riel stood. “You’re not okay. I’m just saying there could be a medical reason for your anger. Calm down.”

Calm down? Did he really think telling me ‘calm down’ was going to accomplish anything? I suppose it did, but it didn’t have the effect he wanted. I just got more annoyed.

“I’m perfectly okay!” I retorted, my jaw tightening as I slammed the side of my fist into the desk. “I’m not going through tests!”

“How are we supposed to come to a conclusion then?”

Fuck conclusions. I wasn’t taking tests.

“A conclusion to what?” I demanded. “What’s causing my anger? I already told you, it’s just how I am!” I insisted, unwilling to drop that theory. I’d much rather cling to it.

“It’s an abnormal amount of anger, Kris.” His eyes narrowed as he pointed that out in an attempt to disprove my theory. Damn him and his logic. “What if I make you go get tests done? I still say meds may help.”

As soon as he said the word ‘meds,’ my anger shot up. No way in hell.

“You can’t make me, you can’t make me do anything!” I picked up the closest thing to me, hurling it past Riel at the wall. I would never hit him with anything, not even in this state. “I’m not taking fucking meds!”

And he couldn’t make me either. Unless he decided to force them down my throat, but even then I’m not so sure of how far he’d get. I really don’t want meds.

“You need to try something to get better with anger. I can only give suggestions. I can’t help you if you don’t let me.” He sat at the edge of the window with his arms crossed, glaring at me. It ticked me off that he was getting pissed at me for getting pissed. What good does that do?

“I don’t need to get better! Dammit, I’m not sick! I’m-“ Suddenly, I gained back my control and stopped dead mid-sentence. I couldn’t even remember what I had wanted to say, all I could remember was the things I had said during the outburst. I just stood there, frozen, gaping at Riel as the tiredness and guilt overwhelmed me. I felt horrible… I hated yelling at him. I really did.

My gaze dropped to the floor. “I’m sorry…” I wasn’t sure if it even came out. It was really quiet, but hopefully it was audible. I started contemplating what to do, stay there or just leave? I didn’t like facing him after being such a dick.

“For what? It’s not your fault.” I glanced up to see him smiling at me. He went from glaring at me, pissed, to smiling so kindly and now inviting me over to him?

I didn’t move. I wanted to leave… But he wanted me to stay… I didn’t know which to do, so I sat on the floor with my legs crossed and my eyes focused on the carpet. “I didn’t mean to yell at you… I’ll get the tests done.” I said, quiet once again, though still more audible than the last sentence.

“Kris…” Riel walked over to where I was, sitting down in front of me. I didn’t move or even look at him. “I can’t make you do anything. It has to be something you want to do.”

I think I wanted to… But not for the same reason he wanted me to.

“I don’t wanna yell at you anymore… So I’ll do the tests…” I stared at him through my eyelids to see him smile. He took my face in his hands and tilted my head up so he could kiss me. I pulled away after a moment, cuddling up to Riel. He was warm and comfy, and I felt so tired… My eyelids were too heavy to keep up, so I let them close, not caring where I was. I just wanted to sleep, and I wanted to be near him. “I feel so tired…”

“Come on.” I could hear the smile in his voice as he moved away a bit so he could stand, pulling me up with him. “Lemme take you home to rest.”