Caged Mentality

POV: Riel Carlin

My eyes slowly opened. I felt so exhausted... sitting up I rubbed my eyes trying to fully wake up. That wasn't a problem once I looked to my left and saw Greg asleep next to me. Fuck. All the events of last night replayed through my head recollecting any I could recall.

Fuck.

I had cheated on Kris.

My eyes widened only feeling extremely horrible the next second. I didn't deserve Kris anymore. I didn't deserve trust. I knew this was going to happen! How could I have done this? Kris deserved so much better.

I stood throwing on a pair of pants. I knew the only way to make me feel a little better. I had to. I needed to punish myself for being such an ass. For being a horrible person. How could I be like this? My eyes filled with tears.

I made it to the bathroom fumbling with the cupboard door. My fingers located the very familiar utensil. I stood up seeing the mirror mock me. It threw back all the evidence of the biggest mistake I'd made in such a long time. Marks lined my neck and torso. Proof of Greg having touched me. Like he'd claimed me. He'd never really marked me before now...not this much.

It only made my vision even more blurry. Gripping the knife as tight as possible I pressed it against my wrist watching it become a crimson line. I did the same at least twelve times on both my arms. Who could count though? I deserved far more cuts than this. I deserved to rot.

“Riel?” I heard Kris's voice echo through the house. It repeated in my head over and over. I was going to have to tell him. I was going to lose him...or I deserved to. Why did the first time I let myself be open with someone have to be like this? Why... why did I always fuck up relationships?

Out of the corner of my eye I saw him standing in the door way. What would he notice first? The marks from Greg or from me...

“What the fuck are you doing?!” he demanded angrily. My cuts... Kris walked over seizing the knife. I wouldn't get it back now... I needed it though. I needed to remind myself I was worthless. I deserved nothing.

My head just hung listening to him. I didn't know what to do. He was mad at me now... it'd probably get worse once he noticed the whole picture.

“I should not be coming here to find this!” he motioned to my arms. I looked up at him faintly. His eyes trailed to my face but stopped at my neck. Now he'd be even more upset. His expression was blank. I guessed he was just trying to figure out a reaction. Or what happened...

Tears suddenly were returning to my eyes, “I fucked up Kris. I don't deserve you.” I cried, “Just give me back the knife, I can't live with myself!” I managed to yell out in between brief, fast paced in takes of air. I had to just tell him what happened... “I had sex with Greg. I don't remember a whole lot.. but doesn't change what I did. You should've just listened and left me.”

He simply stared at me anger and hurt mutating together forming one expression on his face. His eyes I watched fall to the floor. He couldn't look at me? His eyes then held my gaze.

“You were... drunk? Right? So it was an accident.” he raised a gloved hand to his head, his gaze returning to the floor. He couldn't look at me... why would he want to though? I'd done something horrible...

I nodded, “both of us were... me more than him.” I started to taste a coppery liquid, biting my lip. “Give me back the fucking knife please...” I begged wanting nothing more than to harm myself. I wasn't done yet. I didn't feel any better about it. I only felt worse now.

Water spilled out of my eyes. I tried to hold it back but it was impossible. How could I have ever expected to... I slid down the wall to the floor. “I'm horrible...” I mumbled out unable to even look at anything but my eyelids. I needed to do nothing but disappear.

“You're not getting this knife back. I don't fucking care how horrible you think you are, you're not slicing yourself into oblivion.” Kris responded with a thick layer of anger. “You're washing up and getting bandages on your arms. Okay? Stop thinking its the fucking end of the world, you made one fucking mistake. I'm not going to leave you over it, especially not after I tried so goddamn hard to get you to date me.”

I shook my head. He should leave me. I didn't want him to... but he deserved so much better than me.

“I can't. I feel like shit. I need my knife. Just let me deal with this my way.” my eyes opened glancing up at him. He was a watery mixture of colors. I dug my nails into my skin. I couldn't have the knife but I couldn't just look at him knowing what I've done. I couldn't be okay with me.

“Fucking get up, Riel, you have no reason to feel like shit, I told you I'm not leaving you.” I watched him turn on the shower then pulling me off the floor. He set the knife down washing off my arms. It hurt... I hated warm water on fresh cuts... Why complain though? At least it was hurting me.

“You know what, you might as well just shower off. After bandages though, don't want you bleeding to death. But I also don't want that bastards germs all over you.” He turned, starting to browse through the drawers and cupboards. “Where the fuck are the bandages?” He still sounded so angry. But was he using that to mask his hurt?

“I don't know... maybe the kitchen. Honestly I don't care about bandages...” I mumbled sitting on the floor again. I wanted to disappear... I wanted Kris to be happy... he should have left me. His horrible mood was all my fault. “Sorry...”

Kris picked up my knife... I wanted it to stay in here... I could have used it a bit more. Even if he yelled... I should be yelled at, but not for cutting. For fucking up. For giving him a reason not to trust me.

He walked back into the bathroom with bandages instead of the knife. “Everyone fucks up sometimes, Riel. We just have to live with it.” Yeah... but not as much as I have in my life. Like this was the first time I'd hurt someone? Hell, he should see how bad I was with Spence.

He bandaged my arms up... why couldn't I just bleed in peace?

“I can't, I'm already horrible... why.. I... I always make it worse.”

“Obviously you're fine if I still wanna be with you.” he ran his fingers through my hair. His gaze was loving. How could he still be like this after what I'd just done? It only made me wish I could wrap my arms around him. I wanted to cry... I wanted to be held by him and pretend none of this ever happened. “Okay, you're fine.”

My tears still streamed from my eyes to my cheeks then the floor. Random droplets landed on my skin and clothing. He was acting like this... but I had done something so horrible. How could he be like this?

“At least you won't do it again after this, right? You've learned your lesson.” Kris started bandaging my arms again. I wanted them to bleed... “I don't want any more bloody messes to clean up. Unless it's one caused by me beating the shit outta Greg...I swear to God if I ever see the motherfucker I'll tear him limb from limb...”

“You can't just be mad at him Kris....” I mumbled, almost choking. My horrible decision was going to get Greg into trouble. And he was still in the house... how could I get him out of here without Kris even noticing?

I dug my nails into my skin. “I'm not helping your anger... Damn self prophecy... I knew all this would happen...” You tell yourself you'll do something, you will end up doing it. Yup. That sounded exactly like this. But I had warned Kris this would happen. I just didn't want it to...

Fuck my life.

“What, you want me to be mad at you too? Like that's even fucking possible when you're like this.” he finished my bandages, then noticed what I was doing to my skin. He slapped me across the face “Cut it out, Riel! This is stupid! Just take a fucking shower, okay?” Kris stood. “Want me to get you a change of clothes?”

I couldn't believe he slapped me... I stared at him momentarily shocked.

“No... I'll just put this back on.... I don't want you to leave....” my eyes shifted from the door to the floor. Greg was in my room still... of course I wasn't going to let him go in there. But I did need new clothes... I just didn't want anyone fighting...

“Okay. I'll just wait over here then.” Kris sat on the counter, staring at the wall.

I sighed while biting my lip. Slipping out of my clothes I stepped into the shower. For countless minutes a simply stood there, eyes fixed on the drain watching the water disappear. I hoped that it could wash away all of last night. The memories, the guilt, and the hurt.

But it was still there.

Somehow I managed to wash myself up a bit. I sat on a chair in the shower. My tears were mixing with the scalding hot water. I wanted it to burn away every part of me. Well, at least the part of me that messed up all the time.

“Riel? You're not like, burning yourself with the water in there, are you?” Kris questioned. It snapped me out of my thoughts. I couldn't tell if he was really worried as much as he was angry... I couldn't blame him though. “You're not allowed to do anything harmful to yourself.”

I shook my head then getting out and putting my clothes back on.

“I'm not hurting myself. But I wish I was.” I murmured, eyes locked on the black marble tiles.

“Riel...” Kris sighed, standing and wrapping his arms around me tightly. “Don't be like this... It's not that big of a deal... we'll live through it just fine.”

I clung to him. Though I didn't understand how he could be like this after what I'd done... I wasn't about to complain. I felt broken, but not so much when he had his arms around me.

I pulled away, I didn't want to stay in this outfit, it needed to be washed. “I'm gonna get dressed in a different outfit. Watch tv or something.” I had to get Greg out of the room as well, before Kris noticed him and decided he needed a punching bag.

“I'm not allowed to go with you?” Kris questioned, standing in the doorway, staring at me. “Just a bit ago you didn't even want me to leave, now you don't want me with you.”

Of course... use logic the one time its the least useful to him...

“I'm just getting dressed Kris. I can do that myself. I'm feeling a little better is all.” I sighed looking at Kris, standing in front of the bar. “Okay?”

“Fine. Just wondering why you were contradicting yourself.” Kris muttered, heading over to the fridge.

I headed for my room not paying any attention to what he was getting. The moment I turned around I met an all too familiar pair of blue eyes. Our bodies running into each others. I stepped back immediately, him doing the same.

“Oh fuck... Riel... last night... I'm so sorry....” he apologized nervously, “It wasn't supposed to happen like that..I'll... just head home... you'll have him over...” he trailed off, and it was best he did leave anyhow.

“Just forget it happened...” I replied looking up at Greg with a half smile. “I'll be okay. You should go get cleaned up.”

Greg nodded, head down. He was obviously feeling guilty about everything too. Fucking great. I had caused everyone to feel like total shit...

“I wouldn't get cleaned up just yet, asshole, you're going to be a bloody fucking mess when I'm done with you.” Kris slammed his drink down on the counter, then walked over to Greg and threw a punch into his jaw the moment I turned around.

“What the fuck is your problem, jackass?!” Greg demanded after regaining his balance.

“Kris, you shouldn't hurt him...” I mumbled wrapping my arms around Kris. He wouldn't hurt Greg anymore if I was in the way, right?

“I've got no problem beating the shit out of him.” Greg mumbled. He didn't really want to... did he? His attention shifted to me briefly. “But if you don't wanna watch go in the room. Not that I exactly wanna fight... fuck I didn't have this happen on purpose!”

“Just let me kick his ass!” Kris pushed me away, “Then he'll learn to stay the fuck away from you!” he tightened his jaw and pulled off his shirt, throwing it aside. Despite he was about to beat the shit out of Greg... yea...

“I'm not going to just let you two fight!” I yelled standing between them. I knew they wouldn't hurt me. And as long as I was in this room, I would get in their way. “You see, you need to learn to control urges like this Kris.” I shifted my attention back to Greg, “Just walk out of the house please.”

“Hell, as if he'd let me.” Greg glared, “you could have picked better. So you need to move or leave the room.” pick better? Pick what better? Was he referring to him? Or Spence?

“No! This is my house. This isn't worth fighting over.” I shoved Greg against the wall behind me so Kris couldn't reach him. Greg is stronger than me...

“Just go in your fuckin room Riel!” Greg retorted trying to push me towards the door. I wouldn't move though.

“If we don't get this over with now, it'll just happen later, so stop being so damn stubborn and move!” Kris shouted, standing in front of me. He glared at Greg, then at me. I was determined to win this.

“No. You aren't fighting each other. You can't let your anger get to you like this.” I stated confidently.

“Riel, just go.” Greg ordered, “Don't make us have to lock you in a closet till we're done.”

“You guys wouldn't. And I'm not letting you fight.” they wouldn't right? I mean... this was my house... and that would be a little more than cruel... not that I didn't deserve it... but I mean fighting isn't going to solve anything.

“This is stupid! It's not like we're gonna kill each other.” Kris muttered, grabbing my arm and pulling me away from Greg. It did kind of hurt... “You need to go wash out your mouth anyway.”

“This is stupid.” I yelled trying to block Greg again.

Greg rolled his eyes. “Fuck... just let us be guys and beat each other!” He yelled shoving me into the bathroom and closing the door.

“Let me the fuck out of here Greg!” I yelled trying to push open the door. I punched it so many times... but it was bruising me more than it was even moving. I would not stay in here and let them hurt each other.

“How the hell do we keep him in there and make him shut up!”
You don't.

I would not be stuck in here. I was going to win this argument. Greg was going to leave peacefully, and Kris was not going to hurt anyone.

“I don't know, tie him to a fucking chair or something, just whatever keeps him out of the way!” Kris replied, impatient and annoyed. Did he seriously just say that? He would do that to me just to beat up Greg? This was stupid...

Yea... I'm slowly going from hating myself to also wanting to cuss out the both of them for being total asses. What boyfriend fuckin ties up their partner to beat up someone?

“You do it! He's your boy toy now.” he retorted, obviously upset just at the fact I belong to Kris and that meant something changed in his life. “I can't hold him down and tie him up at the same time.”

“Let me out you fuckers!” I yelled shoving open the door. I almost fell on the floor when it opened but I regained my balance. The moment I did Greg had wrapped his arm around my waist not letting me move.

“I'll let you go if you just sit and watch.” he informed tightening his grip on me a little. It didn't really hurt, I just wanted everyone to get the fuck along!

“Fuck no! You're going home and Kris is gonna calm down!” I ordered trying to get away from Greg.

“Get your fucking hand off him, we'll just lock him outside.” Kris pulled me away from Greg, dragging me to the balcony door next to the bar and pushing me out. I jumped back to the door to try and get out, but he locked it before I could even reach for the door knob. “Problem solved!”

I can't believe this... Kris just locked me out of my own fuckin house. I was stuck on the balcony... and all I would be allowed to do was watch them through this dumb ass glass door.