Caged Mentality

POV: Riel Carlin

“I can't believe you, still,” I muttered, crossing my arms. “I don't want to go.” Everything would be horrible. Something would set them off, Dad would get in a fight with Eli. I would pretend I was invisible. Dad would say a million things that would make me either hate myself or hate being around him. It was always like that.

“Just stop complaining, Riel! Seriously. It will be just fine. I’ll do all the talking,” he assured me, closing the car door in my face and getting in on the other side. I wasn't so worried about my dad now. More so Eli's driving. When he started driving I made sure I was never in the same vehicle... unless I wasn't sober. When you're high it doesn't really bother you as much. You see enough weird crap anyway.

He pulled out of the parking lot, barely looking either direction, and sped down the road. The speed limit was around thirty, but he had almost doubled it. His car could handle it... but I was not used to this, nor was I comfortable with it.

“Slow the fuck down, bastard! You're going to kill us!” I yelled, reaching for the stick shift. He pushed my hand away, grinning. He was enjoying this, of course. My annoyance was food to him. He was still going way too fast.

“Sorry, I can't stand your slow, old people driving. Gotta have fun with life! Besides, there is barely anyone on the road!” It's not like I drove twenty-five in a speedzone of thirty like most people over fifty years old.

“What about cops? They could pull you over!” I countered, glaring at him icily. I didn't want to deal with how cops like to take their sweet time. I never understood why they took forever to give you a ticket. Maybe they just have nothing better to do?

He shrugged. “I'm friends with the sheriff. Besides, most cops leave me alone anyway once they see who I am. You should feel lucky to look like me. You could get outta tickets too.” He always had those damn connections...

“I don't want to! People shouldn't be able to get out of things like that,” I spat, glaring at my brother. I guess it could be handy, but it wasn't right. Why could certain people get away with things while normal people couldn't? It was ridiculous. What good is a law system if it doesn't follow its own rules?

“You know, you never hated my driving much before...” He sighed, then glanced at me.

“Yeah... Usually, I was high.” I rolled my eyes, then stared out the window, clinging to my seat when he took a sharp right.

He laughed. “Pansy.”

I ignored him the rest of the drive to our parents home. He pulled into the driveway. Mom's car was gone, but Dad's was still here. Wonderful. And Eli seemed to be in full fight mode. I could stay in the car, right? Why go into some house that will become a war zone?

“Can't we wait 'til Mom is here? She always calms Dad down well...”

He got out of the car then pulled me out. “Hey, you can't be scared of dad forever. Time to man up, my little brother!”

I half tripped up the stairs when he dragged me into the house. He was too excited to be here... or anxious. Not sure which one. Usually I could tell. Maybe he was nervous? That could explain his odd behavior so far. “What are you on? Seriously!”

He just grinned widely, turning to look at me. He kept my wrist in his hand, pulling me through the front door. He looked around the room. It was empty. Dad was probably not downstairs yet, or if he was, he was in the kitchen. Generally this was a room he avoided till afternoon.

Maybe I'd be lucky and Dad would be off with Mom. But I’m never that lucky... I'm sure everyone has guessed that by now.

“Dad!” Eli shouted, running into the kitchen forcing me to tag along. He was going to make sure dad was here, and if he was...

“Eli! Stop! Maybe he's sleeping. Don't wake him up.” I whispered, hitting him. He acted as though I didn't exist and continued to drag me along with him upstairs.

“Daddy! William! Father! Asshole!” He said in a sing-song voice. He certainly wanted our father's attention with a list like that. He went into our father's bedroom and then back downstairs, running into him on the way down. I crashed into Eli, then fell back onto the stairs. Dad had just turned the corner to go upstairs when Eli decided to descend them practically running.

“What are you doing, Eli?” I demanded, sitting up and glaring at him.

Eli was pulled off the stairs by his shirt collar. “Mind repeating what you called me?” Dad muttered, eyes fixed on Eli. He wasn't really asking, it was more him giving Eli a chance to change what he said. This would be the start of the whole mess.

Let's just say Eli was never very smart. He's very unintelligent, in fact. With everything...

Normally I would come up with some sort of excuse to get him out of trouble, but what could I say this time? 'Sorry, Dad, Eli is high right now and doesn't know what he's saying!' But Eli wasn't high and he knew what he was saying. Aside from that, Dad would be more pissed off if I had said that.

Am I crazy for still acting like this man has authority over me? I've been out of the house forever... but he still tries to punish us... and he still acts like we're kids. I still feel like his kid-son every time I come here. I hate this place...

“I would go through the long list, but I’m pretty sure you're referring to the last name I called you.” He smiled as if he'd accomplished something magnificent. “Asshole,” he stated simply. “And I think you... Well, you may not agree, but you fit that name quite perfectly. If I do say so myself.”

“He doesn't mean it, Dad, really.” I interrupted, standing and covering Eli's mouth. I half smiled at my father. I would try my best to recover any damage my twin was making. This was ridiculous... Sometimes I wish I could put a lock on his mouth and only allow him to speak when his words were pre-approved.

He shifted his attention from Eli to me. He thought a moment, then looked back at Eli. “Did you really mean that or are you drunk?”

I increased my hold on Eli so he couldn't speak. Instead he just shook his head yes, pulled my arm away, and laughed. “I'm not drunk. Haven't had a drink in a few days. I meant every word. You're an asshole. A judgmental asshole.”

“Is that what you came here to tell me, son?” Dad asked, then looked at me. “But I guess Riel wouldn't be here for that.” He didn't hesitate any longer to smack Eli across the face. “I don't know why you're so rebellious. But I will not tolerate such disrespect under my roof or from my own son,” he informed, glaring, then turned away to walk into the living room.

He never tolerated it. If we acted like that at all towards him he always told us we were wrong and then walked away so there was nothing more we could say.

“Stop pissing him off!” I ordered. Why cause some huge thing?

Eli just glanced at me, pulling me into the living room, and shoved me on the couch. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to leave. “No, I came here for a different reason and I will act how I wish whether you like it or not,” Eli retorted, forcing Dad to face him. “And you're going to listen to me.”

“What did I just tell you?”

“Just shut the fuck up, sit down, and listen. I’m not putting up with your authority shit.” Eli shoved dad back onto the couch next to me. He seriously just pushed dad? I couldn't recall a time when Eli had ever done that. Usually he had at least enough common sense to not physically assault him.

Dad stood up again, pulling Eli towards him. “I will listen when you show me respect, Elijah. I told you this a long time ago. If you want respect from someone, you give them respect. You cannot demand something that must be earned.”

“You never did anything to earn my respect,” he said flatly, showing little interest in what our father had said. “Furthermore, I've told you not to call me that. I hate it.” He made a disgusted face. “Definitely a horrible name. What were you two thinking when you named us all?”

“I'm your father. I raised you. I took care of you. I can't list how much I’ve done for all three of you.” Trying to guilt trip us?

Dad seemed to be acting rather calm today. He probably would have been a lot better if Eli wasn't being stupid like always. He always had to start things out with a bang.

I shook my head, looking off at the wall. I didn't like this whole situation. I felt invisible... Though I kind of enjoyed that.

“And I think the names were nice. Elijah, Gabriel, Timothy... All good Bible names,” Dad stated, straightening and taking a step back from Eli. “I'll listen to you when you're done fuming.” He walked into the kitchen.

I stood up to grab Eli's arm. “Eli, you're going overboard. Just calm down.”

“Riel, you're too passive.” Eli pulled me along with him, following Dad. What am I today? Some dog on a leash? “Dad, I came here to tell you something.”

I bit my lip waiting for his calmness to end. Both of theirs, really. Eli was just like Dad with his anger... I sat at the table looking out the screen door. We would be lectured or something. Maybe I could sneak out of the room. Avoid this whole mess. Would anyone even notice me leaving? Probably not until I opened the door...

“If you want to discuss it maturely then sit down and tell me.” His arm motioned to the dining room table.

“I really don't feel comfortable sitting. I'd probably have to just stand up again.”

There was a long pause. This was probably the first time, aside from with Isaac, that he was really even coming out. It's a hard thing to do... and he picked the worse person to start with in this house. I could just get up and leave, right?

“I'm... Riel and I are gay and you're going to live with that! We're not into chicks. Girls are repulsive in every physical way and I have a boyfriend. His name is Isaac. Riel is with Kris and you will accept them as part of this family, whether you like it or not. Otherwise, I will not see you anymore and you will no longer be my dad.” He crossed his arms looking off at the wall. He can't just disown his own father like that. What was with him today? I'd been hurt more than him and I wouldn't even go so far as to disown my dad.

He probably wasn't sure what to think. He felt more insecure now than at any other point in his life. Dad was probably furious. I couldn't look at him. I didn't want to hear him. I didn't wanna see him. I wanted to be at home. I wanted to watch a movie... or listen to music. I wanted to play my guitar into oblivion. It was always easier to forget reality rather than face it. I didn't know how Eli could just face problems head on.

“Shit...” Dad spat under his breath. First time I'd heard him cuss. “The only two sons I have and they both would rather be with other men... What am I supposed to do about this...?” He sighed heavily. I heard him walking toward one of us.

“You've treated Riel like shit since he came out. You need to stop and apologize. Admit you were wrong.” Eli informed in a very serious tone. I think overall he was trying to right things with me rather than gain anything from dad. He knew how wrong he was. Eli always followed Dad up on insults with my sexuality and made it so much worse. I guess he thinks that by solving what issues are between Dad and I, he'll get me to forgive him.

“You know, God doesn't make people gay. They choose to be so. I raised you properly, or so I’d thought,” he mumbled, stopping beside me. “But then, I suppose there is a possibility he decides to make people that way to teach others around them to accept everyone...”

“Stop the religious shit. We were born this way. Just accept that.” Eli spat, taking a step towards Dad.

Dad's hand lifted my chin to look up at him. “I don't agree with or accept the fact that you're gay. But I will try my best... to be more... tolerant.”

“What does that mean exactly?” I asked, pulling away from him. I looked back at the ground. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to be here. He wasn't going to change. He'd say he'd try. He never would get very far.

The only reason he was being somewhat tolerant at the moment was the fear of Mom getting on his case if either of us disappeared from home again.

Dad didn't move. He simply stood in front of me. “Eli, leave,” he ordered. He wanted to be alone with me? That wasn't a good thing. I felt my heartbeat speed up massively, my eyes darted around the room locking on each exit. I had to get out of here.

“I don't trust you alone with Riel. So I won't leave.” He wouldn't leave me alone with Dad, right? He almost never did... when we were younger, anyway. He's been more obedient the older he's gotten though. Hard to believe...

“I'm not going to harm him. Leave,” he ordered a second time. I heard Eli walk out of the room. I didn't want to be alone with this man. I wanted to go home. I knew this whole idea with coming here was a horrible one.

“Look, I’m sorry you hate how we are. Save me from a lecture. It can't change me.” I stood up, refusing to even glance at him. He wouldn't move.

“Sit down.”

I hesitated, then obeyed. Better than getting on his bad side. He dragged a chair over to sit in front of me.

“Look at me.”

“I don't want to,” I responded rather quickly.

He didn't say anything. I wondered for a moment if that hurt him at all. What would I feel like if my son had told me that? Or if he ran off like I had. Maybe his anger was all just a defense to hide he was hurt? That's what my therapist-self was thinking anyway. The other side of me was just too upset to really care.

He was heartless. He didn't want us to be who we were. He wanted a picture perfect family. Three kids with college degrees getting married to the perfect person with a few kids of their own to carry on the cycle. I never wanted part of that stupid fake act.

He used to drag us all places just so he could show people his family. All of us had to have A's. Anything less was unacceptable. I can't recall how many times Eli had been grounded for poor grades and ditching family gatherings.

“What do you think of me?” he asked, seemingly randomly. “Seriously. I won't yell at you. I want to know. You're old enough not to give some childish answer. You're not living under my roof.”

I glanced at him then back at the floor. Was it a trap? Was he going to punish me for giving an answer he didn't like? Would he mock me?

I couldn't...

“You're hesitating...” he mumbled in a tone I couldn't recognize. It was one he never used. At least not around me.

What was I supposed to say? He was controlling, overbearing, overprotective... He expected too much from all three of us. He never allowed opinions and he constantly told us who we were. We were his sons. We had to live up to his expectations. We had to do all this stupid shit that was completely worthless.

What did any of it even matter? I never thought he cared about us. Our family was a horrible mess. Mom was the only civil one and kept everyone together. She married a horrible choice for a father. So many of my ideas he'd shot down, saying they were horrible or stupid. It had to be what he wanted.

“You not speaking says enough...” Again, that same unrecognizable tone. What was he even saying? Was he going to finally understand what he's done this entire time? Why his two children he wanted to be his pride and joy failed and didn't meet his standards. He had everything set too high!

“I don't want to be here. Can I leave?” I asked, still looking at the glass door which led to a patio. The birds seemed so happy outside. The sun was finally up. It looked so much better outside. I wanted to be away from this house!

“Gabriel... I'm sorry. I haven't been a proper father to you. At least, I don't show it enough.”

“Don't call me that,” I spat ignoring the rest of his comment. “I want to leave.” My voice broke only slightly. I don't know why I felt so scared and so depressed right now. I wanted to cry. I had to get away from here.

He stood back up, pulling me off the chair and put his arms around me. “Gabriel, I’m sorry. You're my son and I should show how much I care for you really. I am not happy with you being gay. I’m not going to lie about it. I will never accept that. But you should know that I love you no matter what you do.”

“Why can't you accept it! I’m not lying! I was born gay. I can't stand being physical with women. They're unattractive. Why can't you just be okay with it? I just can't stand you telling me who I am! I tell me who I am! Not you! You're not my god!” I tried to push him away but he held me tighter.

“I'll stop... bothering you about it. I try my hardest to act like I am okay all the time... but my ignorance has ruined our relationship. I’m your father. I should be who you come to when you have problems. But you don't. I would be the last person you go to. I’m not happy with that.”

“I don't... know if you can fix it...” I mumbled. He hugged me a bit tighter. I felt a drop of water hit my face. He was crying? My dad was crying?

Now I just felt horrible. How could I do that? Sure, he caused me constant irritation and pain. He was the main reason for me leaving. But it really hurt him? This much?

“Give me the chance to fix it, son.” It sounded like a question, yet it also sounded like a command. Chances are that he'd get Mom into this and then she'd force me into it. I didn't know what I wanted to do.

I could say no, I could hurt him even more. But if I did that, it would mean I didn't forgive him, I didn't want to try and forgive him. The relationship issues beyond now would be mostly my fault. He wanted to make an effort. I should try and do the same?

“Only if you try to accept I’m gay. You hurt me so much by not being okay with it, or at the very least accepting it...” This would be the true test. How committed to fixing us was he?

He nodded. “If that is what it takes.”

My father honestly meant it? I wrapped my arms around him, feeling comfortable and happy around him for the first time in years. This would take a while to mend, but it'd be worth it eventually. We could be a normal family again.