Caged Mentality

POV: Riel Carlin

“So you do want to be with me?” Kris questioned, following me. “Is it that hard to tell me that?”

I really wanted him to stop asking me this. It wasn't anything to do with if I wanted to. The issue is that I DO want to be with him...but...

“I want to help you with your anger.” I repeated. It was an honest answer. I wanted to help him far more than just follow some desire he thought he wanted. I wasn't doubting that he wanted me...but, he needed to just worry about solving his issues first. I cared too much. And I wasn't good for him.

I led him up the stairs to my condo. The keys slid into the lock after I missed the keyhole a few times. Damn this fucking nervousness. I didn't know what to do about this whole situation. I wanted to help others...but I didn't expect one of them to fall for me and me like them as well. If it had happened I thought I would just walk away from it. Tell them I didn't like them the same way. It would have been so much easier.

It's not like I started to feel something for him just a few weeks after seeing him either. I've been having him come over every Wednesday for a few months. I just recently started to notice it however, a week or two ago. And now that I had to face it, I just didn't know what to do. And thus, we get my clumsy, nervous self. The most pathetic of them all.

The door finally opened. I stumbled through then going into my kitchen throwing my bag on the counter. I heard Kris shut the door. I turned around slowly just expecting him to go straight for the bar or yell about something. He threw me against the wall. I couldn't move. It didn't hurt...I just hadn't expected him to do this.

“You not answering my question definitely doesn't help with my anger. Give me a fucking straight answer. Do you want to be with me or not?”

I stared at him mostly shocked by his action. “I can't date you Kris. Even if I want to.” I stuttered. Why did I have no fucking idea how to deal with this? I tore my eyes away from his, then staring at the wall. Looking at him made this so much harder.

“So you do want to?” Kris forced my eyes to lock with his. Fuck this whole situation. “Your coworkers don't have to know. Nothing will happen to your job.”

My job...as if this was entirely about a stupid job? I could easily get a new one.

My eyes softened, “but...we can't...” I paused trying to figure out what to say. I was beyond confused and worried. This could end so badly... “I'm your therapist...not boyfriend mater....” finishing the sentence was impossible. I hated hearing it in my head let alone through my lips. I wanted to be boyfriend material. I wanted to date him... but this wasn't a good idea on so many levels.

“Forget abut the therapist bullshit. We can still be together.” Kris stated, firmly holding my gaze. “Isn't that what you want?”

Fuck yes it's what I wanted!

“What I want is irrelevant. Kris you don't wanna date me.” I closed my eyes trying to remind myself of this over and over again. Yeah, I'm not always the most intelligent with social situations dealing with me. I just knew I didn't want to hurt him. I wasn't stable enough for a full relationship. I just liked using my work as a way to hide this fact. It wasn't a full lie though, some part of it was work related.

“Stop being so fucking stubborn. I wanna be with you, you wanna be with me. We can keep it a secret from the people you work with. So whats the big deal?”

Of course...secrets are healthy... I could have sworn he had an issue with secrets just a few weeks ago. He didn't like the secret from his father yet he wanted to date me and have it secret?

“Because you're my patient...I'm your therapist. We cant date.” Need to keep reminding myself..

“This is stupid. You're being completely unreasonable.” Kris sighed heavily, dropping his arms to his sides. “You'll come to your senses sooner or later.” He kissed my lips before heading over to the small bar in the living room, making himself at home.

I wanted to kiss him again... oh my god...no I couldn't want that! Fuck, fuck, fuck... ok I needed to clear my mind and think clearly....

“Come to my senses? I already know its a bad idea.” I paused stepping into the living room, “You can't just go and kiss me whenever.”

As much as I wanted him too...it wasn't a good idea...why lead him on? It wasn't fair to him... I may be an ass, but I wasn't a big enough one to take advantage and hurt people. Sure me and Greg fooled around but we had a mutual agreement. We never grew to love each other. But Kris... he could. There was no agreement. I didn't want to hurt him.

“Oh yeah? So what if I do?” he questioned with a quick glance in my direction. He then fixed his eyes back on the drinks he was experimenting with. “I don't want to follow that rule.” he took a sip of the mixed drink, made a face, then started adding more ingredients. It was cute, when he didn't like the mixture he'd created.

Clear my mind...clear my mind.... Not follow my rule... fucking hot when he acted like this.... no I had to clear my god damned mind!

“You have little choice Kris.” It was better to just leave it at that and walk away. He couldn't mess with my mind if I wasn't in the room for him to respond to my statement.

I exhaled heavily then walking out of the room into my bedroom. I shut the door just wanting to basically hit my head against something a million times. It was betraying me... and that kid out there wasn't making it easy on me.

What the fuck was he doing to me? I couldn't stand this entire feeling. I couldn't look at him very long... and I couldn't just sit there and tell him these words that hurt us both. But I had to... I was forcing myself to... what the fuck was wrong with me?

I walked to my dresser pulling out pants after stripping all of my clothes. I had to get out of this stupid attire. Maybe if I could tell him these things as Riel it would help me more. I could fight these thoughts and feelings. I slipped a black AFI shirt on and some skinny jeans. I walked past a mirror then noticing I'd forgotten my piercings. After I put them in I walked back out to the bar area in the corner of the kitchen, dinning, and living room. I sat in a chair watching him mix drinks.

“Do I? Like you're gonna stop me whenever I try to kiss you.” Kris stared at me, taste-testing the drink again, then pouring it into a glass.

Why did he have to respond? Why couldn't he just leave me alone with this entire topic? Momentarily my mind drifted off to Greg. I almost laughed.

“I'll get Greg to have you back off. He won't like you trying to take his friend.” I chuckled. “He's bad at sharing.”

And it's true...he was. He liked our little arrangement probably too much. Anyone who endangered it he hated. Not that he liked me, he just didn't want to give up how life was just yet. Greg was the type of person who liked to keep things one way with no attachments so it could change only when he wanted it to how he wanted it to.

“You don't want me to back off though.” Kris leaned forward on his elbows. “So why do that to yourself? Not that I'd listen to this Greg person anyway. He can just get over it.”

Damn it... he was reading me like a book. I was horrible at lying and I was loathing that fact now more than ever. Him not caring about Greg however, that was pretty fucking hot too. Oh my gosh did I need to fix this whole thought process. I had to keep telling myself it was a bad idea.

“I don't belong to you.” I informed him more reminding myself yet again. My focus immediately switch from him to the wall. I exhaled trying to forget my feelings. Yes, I was being a total pansy by avoiding his gaze. I couldn't let him trigger certain emotions. Looking at him still made me a bit nervous. Mostly because I didn't know what to do.

“Yet.” Kris smirked, then slid the drink over to me. “Try it. I just threw some things together I thought would taste good.”

Yet... yet... that yet had to become never.

“I don't see why some punk wants a pansy-ass-emo.” I sighed sipping the drink then smiled. “Tastes good.” I doubt just the mixture of flavors is what was making it taste so good. Just the fact he made it himself was making it be above good. It was great. The taste lingered in my mouth.

“Well, do you really dislike the fact I want you?” Kris questioned, still smirking.

“I can't answer that Kris.” I mumbled staring at my drink. I had to avoid his gaze, I had to avoid this whole topic.

Kris laughed dryly, “Of course not...”

“You...” I drifted off forgetting what I was going to say. “Stop trying to date me.” I stated firmly then stood and sat on the couch in my living room.

“Why?” Kris questioned, starting to mix another drink. “I should get to be with you. We both want that.”

“You shouldn't. I'm your therapist. You hate seeing me. You trying skipping sessions. You yell that you don't need me.” I muttered setting my drink on the coffee table.

“I don't need a therapist. That's what I said. I don't hate seeing you. I tried skipping once, just my second session.”

Yeah, yeah..didn't need one. Like I didn't hear that enough times?

“I'm really not a great person. Besides, I haven't been in a serious relationship at all. I can't offer you anything but anger issues in the end if you intend to chase after me.”

I was experimental my whole college life. That says everything.

“You don't think being with you could fix my anger?”

“Why would it? Your anger isn't caused by lack of having me...”

“I thought the doctor was the one who does the analyzing... yet you didn't notice my anger disappearing when I kissed you.”

“Because your anger that time was created by wanting more than Dr. Carlin. Obviously kissing me gave you more than that, it gave you a taste of Riel. But your general anger problem isn't caused by me.” I mumbled staring at the wall then at Kris. I had to make sure he understood the full reason he was upset that time. He didn't have what he wanted from me. But if you give someone what they want they calm down.

“This brings us right back to the not needing a therapist thing. My anger is because of my mother. There's no way for you to resolve that. I don't need therapy, and then we can be together.” Kris tasted the drink, added a bit of something else, then poured it in a glass and came to sit by me. “Letting me quit therapy solves the whole issue.”

If it were only that simple. I care about helping him more then my selfish desire to date him.

“I can't do that. Your anger isn't just from her. You get angry over simple things as well.” I sighed heavily. I had to repeat this to him so many times... “We can't date.”

“So how do you plan to fix it?” Kris set his drink down, then crossed his arms, staring at me expectantly. “I don't see how you could.”

It was almost as if he was telling me that he knew I couldn't fix it and I just had to humor him with an answer.

“Maybe it's something requiring medicine. I'm not sure yet. But we'll figure it out. I promise you'd be better off just seeing me as a therapist and forget Riel.”

“You're not putting me on meds. That's stupid. And I don't think you really want me to forget you.” Kris shifted so he was facing me. Our lips were only a few mere inches apart. “Am I right?”

“I...” My eyes locked with his. I knew I was going to lose at least some control. Of course my mind and heart were going to fight out this one... oh and hey, we'll throw desire in there too.

“You what?” Kris brought his hand to the side of my face, pressing his own forehead to mine. I was having such a hard time doing nothing.

I bit my lip trying to stay in my thought process and break out of this daze that was about to consume me. “I...” my eyes softened, I couldn't do this. I just couldn't fucking do this anymore! My eyes slowly shut as I erased any form of distance that could be between us, roughly pressing my lips to his.

Kris shifted again, this time so he was on his knees, one leg between mine. He ran his fingers through through my hair. This felt so fucking good too. I knew he was going to win this the moment I felt him put more into this kiss.

I was gone. I wrapped my arms around his neck forcing him to fall with me back on the couch I had to have him. And I don't think you quiet understand what I mean by 'I had to have him.' My fingers trailed down his arm only wishing I could have felt his skin rather then this damn shirt he wore.

His hand stayed tangled in my hair, the other rested on my shoulder. Not long after I could feel his lips trail from my mouth down to my neck. Of course...go for my weak spot, not that he knew. It just felt so good I just had to pull him as close to me as I could.

I shouldn't be doing this though. That's all that my mind kept yelling and my body was trying to get it to shut the hell up.

“Kris...” I moaned quietly. It hardly came out how I wanted it to. I was enjoying this too much.

And of course....he completely ignored me. He was making this so much harder. Kris's fingers trailed down my chest sending mini shock waves through me, especially when he was pulling my shirt up. I couldn't stop him....

I took his face in my hands after he pulled off my shirt throwing it on the ground. I had to taste more of him. Greedily I forced his lips back on mine. I felt his fingers follow the same path as before over my chest, stopping on my shoulders. His nails were digging into me lightly but it didn't hurt. It only made me want more. I knew he was enjoying this as much as I was.

My tongue traced his bottom lip before I kissed his chin. I let my hand get twisted in his hair to force his head to the side and reveal his neck. My lips slid to his neck soon biting him until I left a mark. I wasn't thinking clearly. I wanted people to think he belonged to someone. I wanted him to belong to me. Show everyone they couldn't have him. Yeah, I'm fucked up.

I moved my head to rest my cheek against his and whisper in his ear, “Kris...” I mumbled hating myself for saying this. “This... won't end well.” my breath was extremely uneven. I only hoped he understood me. He needed to stop. I didn't want him to but that's what was fair to him.

“Yeah I don't think so.” Kris said in a low voice, beginning to draw invisible lines with his index finger on my chest. He bit my ear lightly, then tugged on my earring. Why the fuck was he making this so difficult...

If he could see the inside of my head he'd see me falling apart slowly. Wishing I could just yell fuck it and take him for me right now. I wanted to be his. I wanted to belong to him. But that couldn't happen....

I...I don't belong to you.” I mused trying to contain myself as much as I could. “I'll end up messing around. You'll get angry.” My eyes closed freeing my hand from Kris's hair sliding it down his side. “You don't want to do this knowing tomorrow I could be doing this with someone else.”

It was true...Greg... I was incapable of being in a full relationship. I don't know why I kept forgetting that. It wasn't safe for me to be with Kris. I'd mess up at some point. Most likely cause of Greg. He'd be here some night. We'd go too far.

“Would you, though?” he asked me, but I knew he knew I would. I was making out with Greg right in the middle of the bar before I left.

He pressed his forehead against mine. “I could live with that. But I would prefer you did belong to me.” he ran his index finger along my jaw from my ear to my chin, keeping it there. “You should be mine.” he said in a near whisper, returning his lips to mine immediately parting them. He moved his hand from my chin to the side of his face.

I wanted to just keep going. Let him kiss me as much as he wanted to. I just couldn't do it. This wasn't fair to him. I was going to end up hurting him more then ever. Cause him to have more anger problems. This wasn't right.

I broke away in another attempt, “You'll get more attached to me by doing this.” I tried to put distance between Kris and I. “This is dangerous and unfair to you. I can't be yours Kris.”

“Yes you can. You're just afraid of losing your fucking job!” Kris stood and picked up my shirt, throwing it into my chest. “too afraid of taking a risk. Too afraid to pay a price for what you want!” he yelled fists clenched, staring at me with an angry expression.

I didn't want him to be upset, not because of me. And I may be a completely pathetic and weak person but I wouldn't care about losing my job. I could find a new one. I experimented in college all the time. I did shit that could have gotten me kicked out. It wasn't anything I was afraid of doing at work. I just didn't want to hurt him. This innocent boy.

“It has nothing to do with losing my job.” I replied honestly, also standing. “I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to add to your problems. I promise that's all it is.”

“Hurt me? What would you do to hurt me?” Kris demanded, “refusing to be with me is adding to my problems!”

Possibly... but not having dated me and just being angry over that would be far less worse then me dating him and messing up majorly. I knew I would. I didn't trust myself with him. I was an ass. I partied. I slept around, though it was really only with Greg. I didn't deserve him. I was a worthless loser outside my office. Dr. Carlin was the only decent part of myself. He was almost a completely different person. The one I wished I could be all the time... even if he was boring. He was a better person.

“Messing around with you and not dating you isn't going to hurt you? Cause by all means if it won't than be my guest. Do whatever the fuck you want to me.” I stated seriously locking eyes with him. I wanted to make him understand this.

“Why don't you just agree to be more then? What the fuck is stopping you if it's not the fear of losing your job?”

“I've never been in a serious relationship. I don't think I can now. Easy to hide a relationship...but... I don't know... I can't date you right now... so keep me as your therapist only or do whatever you want with me.”

“Fine, go ahead and live your whole life without me! Be a fucking man-whore, you'll always have something missing and you'll always regret not being with me!” Kris shouted angrily, then stormed out of the house I'd guess back to the building to get his car.

I had to stop him, or try though. Those words he'd just shouted at me killed. Mostly because I knew they were all true. I knew I'd regret this, I knew I'd wish I had dated him. I was going to end up lonely, I was a total fucking man-whore. And I deserved the lonely life I'd picked.

“Kris...” I mumbled catching up to him in the hallway. “Don't be like this...just...why can't you accept this?” my eyes were apologetic. Why couldn't he just let me help him and forget all this other shit that was complicating our relationship? He needed help.

“Just leave me the hell alone!” Kris spat, refusing to stop or even slow down to face me. “If I can't have all of you then I don't I don't want any part of you, so just stop torturing me with what I can't have!”

He wouldn't even look at me... he hated me. He wanted nothing to do with me.

“I'm not torturing you. I'm not the one who wanted to keep going after I told you how this would be....” my gaze shifted to the floor. “I'll see you next week.... I'm sorry Kris... I truly am.” I walked away not glancing up until I entered my apartment. I knew he wouldn't show up next week.

I headed for the kitchen. I needed something. I needed something to erase this pain and guilt. Something besides alcohol. Alcohol only ever made it worse. I needed to forget what it was like to feel. Remember numbness and coldness. I couldn't stand feeling so hopeless and left alone. It was my fault. This whole mess and my life. It was my fault. And the only way I knew to cope with it...