Caged Mentality

POV: Riel Carlin

So I haven't seen Kris in... I don't know a week and three days. Who's counting? Not me... He didn't come to his sessions. I knew he wasn't going to. If I was him I probably wouldn't want to either. But hell, I'm self harming. He's not...

I sighed sitting up in bed I didn't want to do anything today. But...I had little choice. It was my phone waking me up right now. Just blaring away some stupid song. My hand found the stupid little device.

“Hello?” I mumbled half dead. It was too early for this...

“I'm really sorry to wake you Dr. Carlin...” it was a soft voice, female, but I couldn't quite place who.

“It's alright... just tell me whats up.” I knew whoever it was it was something relating to another kid I did therapy with.

“It's Ms. Cara.” oh god...I knew what was coming... “Cable...well...he's locked himself in the bathroom again. I can't get him to come out at all. And he was shouting about ending everything.” Her words sped up into a messy jumble. Who wouldn't be hyper though if their son was wanting to commit suicide?

“I'll be over as soon as possible. Just stay calm a while. He won't really do it, he's just confused. Try and talk to him a little, get his mind off suicide till I get there. If it gets worse before I get there, you can call me.” I shut the phone placing my feet on the floor. My eyes were still half shut.

I was way too tired for this... but, I needed to help this kid. Heading into my closet I debated on how I should dress. I need to wear something that was half way decent...and long-sleeved. For a few reasons.

My mind luckily could focus on work without any problems at all. I slipped on some skinny jeans and converse. The shirt was the problem... so I solved it by throwing on a long sleeve button up shirt with a red tie. It was comfortable yet casual. Not enough to show the real Riel either. Cable didn't need to see that let alone his mother.

I grabbed my keys and dropped my cell into my pocket. It was still way too fucking early... heading into the bathroom sent flash backs of the past couple weeks. Nights I'd spent in here. Even Greg hadn't noticed the reappearing objects that I had once left stashed under the sink. He used to check all the time. But it became less as I stopped such a bad habit... yeah, I was starting again and I honestly didn't care.

I jumped in my car after brushing my teeth and headed over to the Cara's house. It was only Cable and his mother. Their father had left not more then forty-eight hours ago. He left no more than a note on the bathroom mirror.

I parked on the side of the road in front of their house looking it over. It still looked the same. A small Tudor home with a fence around it. The house was perfect, outside the broken family that lived here. I knocked on the door immediately having Ms. Cara open and pull me in.

“Please, get him out of there.” she begged, her blue eyes had puddles forming in the corners.

“He'll be ok. We'll get him to come out.” I reassured giving her a loving look. I walked past her then knocking on the bathroom door.

“Go away mother!” Cable shouted through tears. The poor kid... He was clinically depressed and was supposed to be on meds. It was prescribed by someone before me... I never thought he should have been on them due to his age. It normally caused effects like this. Then again his father leaving him here didn't help.

“Cable, it's Dr. Carlin. Could I come in? I wish to speak with you.” I tried to sound as comforting as possible. I'd only been seeing this kid on Fridays for about a month.

I heard him fumbling with the door knob then opening it. He grabbed my shirt pulling me in then closing it as fast as possible and locked it again.

My eyes scanned the room noticing all too familiar utensils and liquid. My eyes were glued to the sink covered in blood and a knife in his hand. Instinctively I grabbed his hand making sure to avoid his wrist knowing what I'd see. I flipped his arms over seeing cuts all along both arms. Most of his arm was too bloody to see them.

“Cable... why are you harming yourself?” I asked rather concerned. So I'm a hypocrite... sue me.

“I just... I can't take it anymore...” he mumbled into my shirt. He was only a few inches smaller then me. He was rather tall for a seventeen year old. “No one cares... I just ruin everyone's life. Dr. Carlin, everyone leaves me!”

“Settle down.” I held his face to make him look at me and smiled sweetly, “you know that's not true. Lets clean you up.”

He was silent a minute letting me clean his arms then wrap them up to stop the bleeding. I did it rather fast, from experience obviously. And not just...

“Have you done this a lot?”

I nodded, “you're not the first cutter I've dealt with. And you know, you're mother is still here for you.”

His eyes fell to the floor. “She needs you to keep her sane Cable.” I messed up his hair a bit and smiled trying to get him to get his mind off what he'd lost and remember what he had.

“He left though. He hates me. He always told me I was worthless. I was shit.”

I shook my head. “He was just dissatisfied with himself. Remember I had you read that section in the book. How do you intend to be a counselor if you're dead?” I laughed lightly, “You'll be a good one I'm sure, if you take care of yourself.”

“You think so?” he questioned cutely. He was really a good kid, he was just handed a shit life.

“Of course.”

I wasn't just feeding him shit to get him to stop. I really meant it and he respected me for that.

“And by the way, your outfit totally sucks.” I laughed patting his back.

“Yeah, well, sorry I'm not a gay fag like you and can't pick out an outfit properly.”

Even if he was just a kid we had a normal friendship. That's why he was relaxing so much. I was always honest. He was always honest. And yeah, he knew I was gay. Simply because he asked me the first time I met him.

“Language, language.” I reminded him, not like I cared, “your mother is in the house. You can talk better than that, kid.”

“Yeah, yeah.” he rolled his eyes.

“No more cutting. You cut my weekend short kiddo.”

“Hey, sorry. Just don't know what to do without you.”

“Did you take your meds this morning? Can I ask what brought on everything?”

His eyes fell to the floor as I started cleaning up the blood and knife. His mother was going to have to put a lock on sharp objects most likely...

“I reread the note he left. I just don't understand what is wrong with me. Mom... she just was falling apart. I couldn't make her feel better. And my fathers family hates me. My moms... they're staying away from us both. One of them lost their job cause of me, remember...”

“That's not your fault remember? They were the one who were breaking the law. You just brought them to justice. You did the right thing. Your father honestly was just unhappy with what he made his life. Drug dealers are usually dicks, you know?”

His head hung. “Do you think I'll end up like them?”

I stared at him blankly. It made little sense... but kids usually did think they'd end up like their parents.

“Of course not. You're not a thing like them. You become only what you let yourself become. So if you choose to be like them then you will be. Remember its your choice what you become.”

“But I'm not good enough to rise against it!”

“Sure you are. Once you stop saying that. If you make the choice to rise above these thoughts and make yourself do what you want you'll be fine. Keep an attitude like that and yea, you won't rise against it.” I stated bluntly. “Did you have your meds today?” I repeated.

“No... I didn't want them. I don't want to depend on them to make me happy.”

“Just try em for a few more days. If it helps we'll leave you on em. If it doesn't then I will take them off. I'll be asking your mother. So come on, take your pills.” I sighed handing them to him. He'd left them in the medicine cabinet with the band-aids and such.

He nodded swallowing some. I pulled him out of the bathroom and into the living room. His mother immediately embraced him.

“I'll be seeing him on Friday. If he starts this again, we'll make it twice a week.” I paused momentarily just watching her hold her son. It was nice to see how much she cared for him. How much she loved him. “Make sure he's taking his meds everyday. He'll be ok.” I smiled hearing her reply with a million thank-yous and kisses on my cheek. I was momentarily wanting to vomit, however...

I got back in the car and drove to my house. It was time to just sit here... I didn't want to go anywhere... As soon as I walked in I headed to the bathroom. I went under the sink to pull out the sharpest object I could find.

Yeah, I was stupid. And you're probably wondering how I can go stop some kid from butchering himself and then come home and do the same thing. I hated myself. Dr. Carlin just reminded me of who I wanted to be. I hated this me. The one that cut, the one that hurt people, the one that slept around and drank and had done drugs.

I threw a needle against the wall watching it shatter to pieces as tears formed in my eyes. I heard someone open my front door though. I wiped my eyes and left the bathroom.

“Hey Riel, what you up to?” Greg grinned. He went to kiss me but I backed off.

“Not right now Greg. I need some time alone alright...” I mumbled sitting on the couch.

“Alright, alright....” he sighed. I knew he cared, he just wasn't the type to admit it. “As long as you haven't started cutting again I'll be good.”

“I'm not, alright? I just want to sit here and watch movies.”

I turned on the tv and the blue-ray player. Luckily a movie was already in. I could make it look like this was all I'd do.

“So if I see your wrists they'll be clean?” he questioned seriously. I was just hoping to god he wouldn't actually try and look. Or visit the bathroom.

“It's not him this time. I haven't seen Eli since the last time, alright? I just had a long day. I was woken up early and had to go stop a kid from killing himself. I just got home.”

“When did you see your parents last?”

“I don't know. I see Eli more than I do them. I don't think either of us really care to see each other. They do care about the 'better half' more anyway.”

“Ok...then how about Timmy? She hasn't been by either?”

“Of course not. She avoids me. She'd rather not see me then have to be mean to me because of how I live. She is the most repulsed. I haven't seen her since she moved out when I was like sixteen. You knew that.”

“I'm just making sure. I care about you ya know? I'm not just here to fuck you occasionally... I gotta take care of my buddy.” he laughed setting his hand on my shoulder. I smiled at him.

“I'm alright. It has nothing to do with any of them. Do you believe me?”

“No. You didn't tell me it was Eli last time, not till he'd left. And it wasn't till I came over that night and found you on the floor. You almost killed yourself. Hand over the wrist. Lemme look.”

“I am fine Greg. Just go hang with Spence and Joel. I'll be fine here. I won't kill myself. I just got back from watching some kid cut himself up. Do you think I'd want to do that to myself after that?”

“Yes.” he stated bluntly with a blank face. It was somewhat humorous however.

“I'm a therapist for fucks sake.”

“Yeah... and you were training to be one then. What the hell is the difference? You may be a therapist but you're not all there during the off hours of work.”

“Like I need reminding... I'm fine. Just back off.”

He didn't listen of course. He sat next to me then pulled me onto his lap. He unbuttoned my shirt then pulling it off and looking at my arms, which were nearly healed due to the neosporin I'd put on earlier. Not to mention the cuts were a day or two old. I tried to let them heal a bit before going back to ripping my arm apart. Yeah, I'm a weird and stupid person.

“Like hell, you better be done with this. What is causing you to do this if it's not family!” he demanded holding me as tight as he could. “No more doing this. Riel, you shouldn't be hurting yourself like this!”

“Look, I hate myself and maybe my family has a bit to do with it. But any other reasons I am not telling you. So just deal with it. I won't kill myself. I just like being distracted by the physical pain and watch my problems bleed away. Is that so ba-”

“Fuck yes it is!” he yelled dropping me on the couch when he stood up. “Look, I understand you want to be alone. That's fine. But please don't cut yourself up anymore. You want me to take you over to my moms? She always helped you in the past. I don't think I can leave you here knowing you've started again.”

I laughed shaking my head. I suppose he deserved some peace of mind. “You go out with Joel and Spence tonight. I'll hang with your mother a bit. I won't be cutting while you're gone, ok? I'm sure she could use some help looking after those nieces and nephew of yours, since your sister left them there a year back.”

“You know they miss you too. I'll follow you there. I'm pretty sure she's cooking a roast tonight too. You can eat something then. I'll leave after dinner.”

“Sure thing.” I smiled, I was looking forward to some positive contact. I hadn't been doing anything but rip myself apart since Kris ran out of my house. And mostly cause I hated I wasn't good enough for him. Because I hated who I was. He deserved better than me. He deserved to have someone stable. And I wasn't into dating anyone because I wasn't who I was when I worked. Dr. Carlin was a piece of me that only existed when others were weak. When I knew I was needed to save someone. When someone needed help to find their reason for existing and help accept themselves and their social problems. He was their hope...